Anatomy of Breakup Pain

[ex]

So I keep thinking "Aha! I've managed to move on!" but every now and then, I'll start being sad-lonely for my ex again. Thankfully, the sad-lonely happens less and less frequently, and less and less painfully, but it always still comes as a surprise. Which surprises me.

 

Because I was reading that the experience of emotional pain is actually quite predictable. With losses in love, the pain comes in waves, hence the common rollercoaster analogy. And for me, this is definitely an accurate description. Right after the breakup, I'd have a few hours of abject misery followed by an hour or 2 of calmness followed by misery, relief, misery, relief... Anyway, as time goes on, the pain "waves" start to decrease in amplitude and frequency, until finally, mercifully, it subsides altogether. Good to know, don't you think? Prepares you for what to expect. Very soon after my breakup, my up-downs were so violent, and the shifts scared the sh*t out of me - I ran to a shrink, worried I was developing bipolar or worse. (I wasn't.)

 

I'm actually really pleased at how quickly I've progressed in my recovery. 4.5 yr relationship, breakup was less than 7 weeks ago. The initial pain was probably more intense than anything I'd experienced before, but I've had 2 other relationships (which were much shorter in length and seriousness), and I seem to remember being devastated for months and months, and not quite fully over them for years. Either age/experience is working for me, or it's the shrink and meds. (Man, if it's the meds, I will never be embarrased about asking for antidepressants again!)

 

BUT it's so weird that I can be thinking "la la la I feel good" for a stretch of several days, "I am over him," and then I'll go to sleep and have a dream. Today when I woke up, I was a little in denial that the relationship was over, and wanted to believe that the breakup didn't happen. Once I was a little less groggy, I felt like I accepted it again, but then I spent the rest of the day fairly convinced that he was going to call one day, maybe in a month or 2, and he would definitely want me back, maybe even have realized that he wants to marry me. And then now, tonight, I am bummed and I realize I must be slightly crazy still. Because we broke up! And it must be delusional to believe that he will probably want me back, no?

 

Anyway, why am I posting this, and here?

 

1) Wanted to vent and solicit commentary from those who might have felt similarly.

2) Reading about the "anatomy of pain" was really kind of comforting to me, and wanted to share.

3) I've been posting on others' threads here, just trying to be helpful, but you really should take into account that I may be a little nutty.

 

Sigh, good luck to us all.

[b_boo22]

Ok well i have been in a long and never ending break up with my ex.

we go back and forth. i'm to the point where i want him to disappear and or wishing that i had never meet him. i still love him extremely, but the butterflies and fireworks are gone. I find my self extremely depressed and mad and un able to think or concentrate on anything at all. the college semester just started back and i'm worried about school now.

ive cried for two days now.non-stop!

at first i thought it was just pms, but no i feel low. lower than i have ever been and i don't know what to do.

so this is y i am replying to your post is cause of the statement of

or it's the shrink and meds. (Man, if it's the meds, I will never be embarrassed about asking for anti-depressants again!)

did they really help have they helped any one else?

i don't know what or whom to turn to. i need something i don't know what! any advise? please i can't believe the way i am. i never have been like this before!??and don't understand.

[moon]

Hi b_boo22,

 

That's great you are feeling good after 7 months. I'm a little over three months here. I go in waves too. The first month was horrible. Actually the first two weeks were a nightmare. The second month I started to get really angry. That lasted about a month. Dipping into two plus months I started feeling okay again. I sincerely remember a time of maybe two weeks where for the most part I was okay. I always had a little trouble sleeping, though. Then this weird thing happened right at the third month. It started occuring to me that this was all very final and that I might never see the guy again. Then I started having some withdrawls again. Today was okay. Yesterday was pretty good. I think the bottom line is, if you were in love with that other person and REALLY thought you were going to share a future together, then the future just isn't going to look right for a while. I predict I won't totally get over my ex and the relationship for a year. I am just calling it now. But I think I will feel pretty okay on a day to day basis, there will just be a sort of missing quality to each day. It's sad. I think the process might be sped up a bit if I meet somebody else. But I know myself. I can't date somebody else until I get over the last person. I am just like that. I guess I just got things so drummed up in my head that things would work with my ex, and if circumstances hadn't changed that, then we'd be together today. My ex took up right away with another women (who was so into him), who coincidentally just moved in next door to him. We were on and off for four fricken long years before that.

 

So anyway, just thought I'd add my two cents. I am back to NC after a few brief phone calls/e-mails shared between us. You know I just have too much pride to call the guy. I haven't actually talked to him since the day we broke up, even though he told me to call him. So that's why I know I might never see him again.

 

But good for you for feeling good. Do you really think the anti-depressants are helping? I don't take any. I do see a therapist once a week. Strangely, at this late stage, we are finally really delving into the relationship I had with my ex. It took me a long time to really talk about it. It does feel good to be expressing feelings finally about it. I hope that brings them all out in the open, so I can heal from that.

 

Good luck to you.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

It's sad. I think the process might be sped up a bit if I meet somebody else. But I know myself. I can't date somebody else until I get over the last person. I am just like that

 

moon i am exactly the same, just last July i met my ex and she totally made me get over the woman that troubled me before her, i had near total closure about 1 month before i met her then she really was the icing on the cake

 

thing is we can't pressurise ourselves into meeting anybody to try and get over somebody, personally i cannot do and would not do a rebound relationship!

 

Just today i started anti-depressents as i am spiralling to a new low and it is affecting my life way too much... no sleep, food or work, no hobbies, my friends advised me to go on them as i had 'gone too far' , this is how it feels alright and they assured me they won't do any harm

 

Therapy may be more effective depending upon the therapist and whether or not it is in conjunction with AD's, most therapists here recommend both if you can get it/ afford it

 

sometimes an old auntie who sees things in black & white could be your best therapist!

 

i'm going over to an old auntie tomorrow night who might convince me my ex was no good for me and she'll make me something to eat too

 

[sandra parker]

Hello Everyone!

 

EX, your post really hit the spot for me. I think that not enough is said about the 'waves' of the back and forth. Maybe because it is so different for everyone because of our different circumstances and our own unique personalities. The feelings linger. My therapist told me that it is just going to take time. I can't turn off all the memories, hopes and broken dreams. I truly loved this man. It has been six months for me and we were together for five years. we had contact on a regular basis until the New Year when I decided that it was killing me. I wrote him a good bye note and only see him when he shows up for my son's basketball games twice a week. Last Friday he stared me out through the whole game and then came up to me drooling away and tried to start a conversation. I snapped at him about the way he was looking at me and proceeded to tell him he was a loser and that denial is his constant companion. He reacted surprised at my outburts probably because these little crumbs used to make my day before. So, I guess that is anger on my part. He started up with someone half his age four weeks after the break up and as far as I know they are still together. I go back and forth all the time. I have learned some coping skills and am doing so much better than before. The NC really puts things in perspective for me. I wish I was all done with this but I also realize that there are lessons for me to learn here and I need to make peace wiith my own stuff here. I am determined to learn and grow from this. I will choose wisely next time. I have already turned down possible connections because my antena is up. So, I guess that I will just deal with the back and forth until I am done with him completely. I do want to stress that it is really important to take a look at ourselves and our part in the failed relatinship. Speaking for my self, I made this man the center of my being and that is so wrong! I sold out for him. Anyway, hang in there everyone, once we can learn how to really value ourselves, we will come up like cream! Pain is the only motivator sometimes. Sandra

[ex]

Given the responses so far, just wanted to say sorry if it bugs anyone that I've posted here instead of in "Breakups" or "Coping"...just realized I haven't managed to leave this forum, as I haven't managed to let go of the fantasy of a second (third) chance... wow, this is all so hard, did you know?

[poister]

I'm glad you started this thread, ex. I think it's really hard to see ourselves as going through a normal process when we're suffering so much.

 

That being said, I thought I'd add my normalization of the process to the thread for ppl to consider. I'm an aspiring psychologist, so I always have to find a way to make my feelings normal, and I found that the most applicable theory is the Kubler-Ross cycle of grief. This model is supposed to represent the steps through which someone who loses someone to death undergoes. I've found it applicable to losing someone to breakup as well. So here goes, with examples:

 

Step One:

Denial: This is where we say things like, "Yeah, we broke up, but he really does love me. He doesn't mean that about growing apart, he must just be scared or something." We sense that it won't last and is not a permanent change.

 

Step Two:

Anger: "The f*cker! How could he do this to me!" In my case, I spent a lot of time asking myself, after everything I did for him, how he could have the *gall* to treat me this way. A lot of poorly thought out, "How dare he!" moments. You could be angry at the person, or at the situation, or both.

 

Step Three:

Depression: Here it starts to become concrete. One realizes that this relationship really is gone, that he really doesn't love me anymore, and yes, he really is happy in his new relationship without me. This part really really sucks. (For me, it's been by far the longest stage.)

 

Step Four:

Bargaining: Trying to make deals with your pain. "If I can just not email him for a week, I'll start to feel better" or "If I take down his pictures, I'll have to start to heal, right?" Sometimes making deals with the other person as well.

 

Step Five:

Acceptance: The elusive final step. Don't ask me what it feels like, 'cause 10.5 months later, I'm still not there yet (though I have managed to visit)!

 

Note that the cycle allows that movement is not always continuous (e.g., you can skip some steps) nor unidirectional (e.g., you can move back to steps you've already passed through for another go at them). A fancy way, I suppose, of saying that everyone is different.

 

I don't know if this rationalization works for anyone better than the rollercoaster one, but it worked for me - at least then I was able to feel as though I wasn't going crazy on top of everything else, and it gives me that shiny wonderful Acceptance stage to look forward to.