for him- so many questions, looking for incite...

[a_gud_mistress]

A 32 year old husband, a 28 year old wife, 3 kids, and a broken home. She has been high on zanax for over six years now. High school sweet hearts and now its almost hatred for the woman but she is the mother of the kids. Been through rehab, been through mental hospital, even tried movin away a couple times but it only changes for a little while. She refuses to work, she cant hold a job because she cant wear what she wants and what she wants to wear is inappropriate. she was fired from the local pancake house because she didnt want to wear a longer skirt. I do not want a slut for a wife, she is a mom. I do not want her to strip but she wants to. She sleeps around for pills and I am not even totally sure if my oldest daughters sure mine. I sleep on the couch and do not not want to leave because she has no where to go. Her own family does not even want to take her in. I feel bad kicking her out. She wants me to leave her the house but take the kids and I refuse to do that either. I do not want my kids to hate me because I kn ow they love their mother. I am on call 24 hours a day but sometimes I am unable to leave because I have to deal with her flipping out mostly because she will be stuck there with the kids. I get the kids up for school, I make breakfast and I take care of the baby unless grandma does during the day. She does not want to clean or pick up, the bedroom, our bedroom, is full of her stuff and everything everywhere, she does not wash clothes, I do that too. I go grocery shopping and she goes but disappears and then I go find her, usually in the clothes or make up section. My kids have after school practices, and recitals and I take them and opick them up. When the girls go to their friends, I take them, except when the parents are her friends. That is another subject...her friends...I cannot stand half of them. MOst of them get high and do stuff I do not agree with. I am no saint and I am not perfect. I can say I never cheated until after she did. We have an agreement that we would never bring anyone back to the house. Well I have met a woman, that has changed my life. She makes me happy and brings my soul to life. I sometimes wish I would of met her sooner. I would of loved to be with her and have my kids. She is an awesome mom and she brings hope to my life, She is a single mother who has been through pretty much the same thing I am going thru but she got out and her kids are wonderful. I always thought I would hurt my kids by leaving but shes made me question if staying has hurt my kids more. I do not know how to end this marriage. I am kind of scared I guess. I know who I want to be with, who makes me happy and who would be the perfect person to build the rest of my life with, but I am worried about my kids. if we were to move in together my kids would have a different structure. I do not know how they would handle that. An actual bedtime, family dinners-at a table, homework time, chores, and family time, that is something i thought I had until I met this wonderful woman. She works and plays hard but she has respectful kids. some of the things my kids say, she would freak out on. I do not want my kids to negatively influence her kids either...My wifes addiction has killed us, I cannot stand the sight of her when she is high nor can I be around her when sheh is talking and yelling at me with her slurred words and sideways trips and falls that I can't keep count of. My kids hate it that they babysit her and it is embarrassing. She still says she does not have a problem that she is sober but she sneaks them and still lies. My lady friennd was in a really bad accident and shes still in pain but even her she deals with it because her kids are more important than chasing a high. My wife does not care and she knows that I am not just going to dump her off. I married her and I at least owe her that. I do not want to buy her a house she will not take care of it and will just party even more. I don't know what to do. I do not want her to kill herself because I gave her the hand of freedom, i.e. a house she can do whatever and how much of whatever, she'd kill herself. I do not want that, shes the mother of my kids, but I do not love her the way I should. I love someone else. I never knew my state of being was in such disarray. I am not asking for help I know what I need to do but maybe hearing different opinions about ways to gather strength or grow some balls i guess you could say. I do not know what I am looking for but my wonder woman told me to just write and see what happens. gota take a chance and see different views, good with the bad. I do ask that if you have something cruel to say please advise me at the top of your comment first to prepare myself this is my very first post or bitch fit moment ever.

Edited March 13, 2014 by a_gud_mistress

[Snipercatt]

If this man is serious about straightening out his life he needs to get into individual counseling ASAP and join a group for people who have addicts in their life. He can start by exploring Alconon, etc.

 

There is much more that he needs to do, but he needs to start there immediately. If he doesn't have the motivation to do this then nothing will change for the positive.

 

The affair is simply a distraction, and a crutch, and won't further him getting his life together. He's using the affair to self-sooth. You can not replace one dysfunction with another and expect a positive outcome.

[almond]

You need to focus on your life, and being the best parent for your children. Scrap the ideas of playing house with this new woman and having your kids move in with her and her children - WAY too soon. The divorce will be tough and confusing for the children...leave other women out of this. They need their father, and they need his undivided attention for a while.

 

You should not be leaving for a new woman, and the pipe dream of a perfect home that you can just waltz in and bring your children into - it won't happen like that.

 

You need to seek individual counseling. You need to stabilise yourself in your own home, not the home of your affair partner. You need to focus on your children and getting your sh*t together before anything else.

 

Being intoxicated on Xanax is risky - she is unable to adequately care for children while under the influence. Xanax addiction is very serious, and long-term use like this cannot just be stopped - the withdrawals could kill her. She needs medically supervised detox. If you divorce, the courts could order drug testing to ensure that she is sober and able to care for children. This might be a good idea under these circumstances...the children should not be subjected to it. The threat of losing custody/visitation could be what she needs to get her act together.

 

So, focus on your children, and your current partner. Get the ball rolling re: divorce. Have some conversations with your partner, and her family, regarding her living situation. We don't know what's going on, so you will be able to decide what is best in this regard. Definitely get some individual counseling though - this will hopefully give you some clarity. You need to make a decision for yourself and you children. You need to be final about it and you need to act to move forward in life.

Edited March 16, 2014 by almond

[anne1707]

I'm confused. In your other thread you are the OW yet here you are the husband.

[almond]

It appears that the OW started this account, and then prompted her affair partner to write this post.

 

The other thread outlines the drug abuse in not only the mother, but also the father (which wasn't mentioned in this thread). Not to mention the serial cheating on both sides.

 

I repeat - get individual counseling for your issues OP, focus on sorting yourself out and parenting your young children. Do not entangle them in your new relationship - they are young, will be very confused, and need stability and support from their parents.

 

What a mess.