guidance doing 180

[aw119]

I've had no replys to my gut dump post, so can I ask some specific questions for guidance please. Quick recap. Wife kicked me out blames lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage 100% on me. Says she doesn't love me and hasn't for years (that last bit feel like the worst possible kick in the guts). She has sufferd from depression on and off, sometimes really bad throughout her adult life. From issues relating to her childhood including rape and abuse. I see this as a major factor in our relationship but she believes she has dealt with her issues. I'm in therapy for my issues and I now understand why I struggled so badly in our realtionship, especially dealing wth her depression and initiating intimacy. I've started doing 180 but is that right in these circumstances? How will she see a difference from my previous detachment. Also as things have been revealed during my therapy which explains why I've struggled in our relationship (and I'm now dealing with it) should I share that with her? I did tell her what I got from my first session before I discovered this site and 180 but not what I got at my second session which was even more significant. Her reaction to what I told her of my first session was that it was nothing much (I can see it pobably didnt look like much compared to her past) and her attitude seems to have hqrdened but I think that is being driven by talking to her friends, some are divorced.

[verity123]

My ex did a 180. Unfortunately I think it was far too late. I had already fallen out of love with him. His complete change of character made him look a little pathetic as I no longer loved him and it did not seem genuine. IMHO I think when a woman falls out of love, it is forever. I am sorry if this is hard.

[fizzylifting]

Hi aw119,

 

I'm new to these forums as well. I just read your "got dumped" post. I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I was also looking into doing the 180 and wasn't sure if it was right for me because for the past year my walk-away-wife has been sleeping in another room and has shut down all communication that isn't related to raising our two kids.

 

I found this link below which is an article Michele Weiner-Davis, who is the creator of Divorce Busting (where the 180 comes from). Michele outlines The Last Resort Technique, which is pretty much the 180 for people in extreme situations like ours. Of course Michele does state that there are times when, no matter what we do, our soon-to-be-ex's have already firmly made up their minds and there may be nothing we can do about it.

 

Even if it does not result in gaining back your spouse, I think that the 180 will still result in giving yourself higher self esteem and help you deal with detachment.

 

Stop Your Divorce with the The Last Resort Technique - Married Life from Hitched - Social network for married couples

[Mr.Milked]

I've had no replys to my gut dump post, so can I ask some specific questions for guidance please. Quick recap. Wife kicked me out blames lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage 100% on me. Says she doesn't love me and hasn't for years (that last bit feel like the worst possible kick in the guts). She has sufferd from depression on and off, sometimes really bad throughout her adult life. From issues relating to her childhood including rape and abuse. I see this as a major factor in our relationship but she believes she has dealt with her issues. I'm in therapy for my issues and I now understand why I struggled so badly in our realtionship, especially dealing wth her depression and initiating intimacy. I've started doing 180 but is that right in these circumstances? How will she see a difference from my previous detachment. Also as things have been revealed during my therapy which explains why I've struggled in our relationship (and I'm now dealing with it) should I share that with her? I did tell her what I got from my first session before I discovered this site and 180 but not what I got at my second session which was even more significant. Her reaction to what I told her of my first session was that it was nothing much (I can see it pobably didnt look like much compared to her past) and her attitude seems to have hqrdened but I think that is being driven by talking to her friends, some are divorced.

 

 

I keep reading these words "therapy" and "depression" but no insight into what drugs you and your wife have been prescribed.

 

 

It is very much additional information that deserves attention.

[oldshirt]

You need to understand that the 180 is not therapy and is not something that was ever intended to make some love you or to win someone back.

 

The 180 is a list of activities to help someone get over a break up and to move while retaining some dignity and pride. It's basically ripping the Band Aid off quickly so the pain and suffering isn't drawn out any longer than necessary.

 

Occasionally the Wayward Partner may change their mind and come back while someone is doing the 180 but that is not what it is for and it is certainly not something that anyone should count on.

 

In short, The 180 is to help you put her behind you and move as efficiently as possible, not something to get her back.

 

If you are trying to reconcile the relationship, that is something that you both need to be working on in therapy and doing what the therapist says.