OWL- Maybe I did CHOOSE to have the affair.

[anopenbook]

Yes, I have done what I have thought was the right thing. I constantly give into what he wants. I please him so that I won't have to watch him pout.

He has told me numerous times..."you know you could have anything you want, if I got what I wanted." This makes me feel like a piece of meat!

 

My husband IS VERY good to me. He does not hit me. He has a very quiet way of controlling me. I guess I "CHOOSE" to let him though, huh? I DO love him, I just don't like him & I feel like I am constantly being degrading. He does not come out & call me names or anything like that but, he does have a way of crushing my spirit.

He tells me all the time that no other man will ever love me the way he does. He also says that no other will put up with my crap.

 

I have been to Christian counseling, but only alone. I have also taken anti-depressants. They just make me want to leave him more. I am afraid of what he will say to me if I say NO! I don't want sex so I say NO! He gets mad. He has got "it" at least once a week since we have been married...except for the times when I was taking the anti-depressants & after I had my daughter. I feel normal when I take them, but it screws his sex life up. I stop taking them & start hating him.

My Dr. told me that while I was taking the medication that it was the "real me" & that I need to take the medication more than 6 months. My husband barely goes 6 days. I DO TRY! I really do. Just for the record...I have never had an affair while taking medication. I have only had 2. I really think I could learn to enjoy sex, making love, whatever it is, IF I did NOT feel obligated to do it. Maybe that IS WHY i have had affairs...because I know that I AM IN CONTROL! I do it because I WANT IT>>>HA! Maybe I just answered my question.

Good gief! I really AM A FUITCAKE!

[whichwayisup]

You're not a fruitcake at all.

 

YOU need to take back the control from your H. He sounds like a sneaky control freak, subtle hints and under lying messages to make YOU feel bad and make you think. Just not right at all.

 

He should love you, respect you and listen to you. Pisses me off, reading what you say - How he is with you. I want to give him a good hard boot in the ass!

 

That is BS, total hurtful BS to tell somebody that NOONE will love you the way I do or put up with your crap. HELLO?? HE should take a look in the mirror!! YOU are putting up with HIS crap!

 

Stick with the therapy, work on yourself...Then when you gain alot of confidence, strength and self worth you have to MAKE him stop doing what he's been doing to you, work on the marriage together as partners, equals, husband and wife...Not on opposite sides of the fence.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[Owl]

I wonder...does your husband really know what he's doing to you? Some men are deliberately hurtful and mean, others are cold and callous, not realizing the damage they're doing to the ones that they love.

 

I'd agree with WWIU that your husband needs a "wake up call". He obviously doesn't know how desperate you've become...that you've opted into affairs in the past to get the emotional needs fulfilled that you weren't having filled from him.

 

You tend to give some conflicting messages about your husband in your thread tho...

 

My husband IS VERY good to me. He does not hit me. He has a very quiet way of controlling me.

 

So which is it...is he VERY good to you, or is it that he's controlling? Here's another VERY important question...do you honestly feel/think that he loves you?

 

If you think he does, but perhaps doesn't know how to show it or make you feel it, then I think that marriage counseling might be your answer. If you really feel that he's just in this for him, has no real love for you, then you need to get out of this relationship.

 

Realize that you both need to work on your relationship, or it just won't make it. He may not have been motivated to do so in the past, thinking that you'll always be around, and never considering that you would/could leave him. Perhaps one way of getting his attention (if you think that it's physically safe to do so) would be to start by letting him know about the affairs? I was never abusive or controlling of my wife...but when she started her emotional affair, she "rewrote" our marriage to make it seem that way. I don't know that this is the case for you...no accusations here. I'm trying to simply make the point that if you dont take some kind of action to fix your situation, it will never change. An affair is NOT a fix. You need to decide if there is anything left in your marriage to build from, or not. If so, you should reveal the affairs to him, and get both of you started in counseling ASAP. If not, then leave, and get a lawyer.

 

Hard choices...but sometimes that is all we're left with. Regardless, good luck whatever you decide to do!

[Moose]

K, anopenbook, You got 2 really nice answers there. Now it's my turn!

 

You cheated on your husband twice?!!! Because he's controlling? You don't do or say anything to him to manipulate him? You can't tell me that you're this submissive wife who walks around with her tail between her legs all the time. You don't sound like that sort. You out right went out on purpose and spread your legs for 2 other men other than your husband.

 

All I can say is to stop. Or, let your husband go and find someone else other than you if you can't stop porkin' other guys.

[anopenbook]

Originally posted by Moose

K, anopenbook, You got 2 really nice answers there. Now it's my turn!

 

You cheated on your husband twice?!!! Because he's controlling? You don't do or say anything to him to manipulate him? You can't tell me that you're this submissive wife who walks around with her tail between her legs all the time. You don't sound like that sort.

 

Yes, I can tell you that. I have alway's done what HE wanted, when HE wanted it, the positions HE wanted, done things I NEVER wanted to do because HE wanted it. Yes I can & WILL tell you that.

 

I will also tell you that the times I have tried to manipulate him, I felt guilty. It's alway's what HE wants. I guess I should be thankfull that I can have anything I want if I just spread my legs for HIM. When will it be about ME? I am tired of being the one always giving. I have needs too. I hate to admit it, but, I would rather masturbate ALONE than have sex with my husband. At least then I know it's what i want, when I want & how I want.

[anopenbook]

Originally posted by Owl

 

So which is it...is he VERY good to you, or is it that he's controlling? Here's another VERY important question...do you honestly feel/think that he loves you?

 

If you think he does, but perhaps doesn't know how to show it or make you feel it, then I think that marriage counseling might be your answer. If you really feel that he's just in this for him, has no real love for you, then you need to get out of this relationship.

 

I guess when I say "he's VERY good to me" I just mean that I grew up in a very violent home & he does not hit me. That should be good enough for me. I wish it were.

 

I know without a doubt that he loves me. I have told him about 1 of the affairs. Know what he wanted an hour later? SEX! I wanted him to push me out the door! I don't deserve to have someone love me like he does. He loves me, I know he does. He has put up with too much crap. He keeps me here. I just wish I could know in my heart that he would love me if I could NOT have sex. I some times wish that were the case.

 

This last affair was with a man I have known for years & we have always been friends. I can tell him anything & he does not put me down. He never made me feel like I was only good at one thing. He did build my self esteem. The sex happened naturally. That was all I ever wanted. I wanted to feel loved first. Relationships should not be based on sex & that is ALL my marriage IS. It is my fault though. When I met my husband, I offered & he took it. In counseling I learned that it was because I was sexually abused & I felt that sex was the only way I knew to feel loved. I know better know & I can't explain it to my husband. I've tried. I really need help. I am so emotionally alone. I hate feeling this way.

I'm sorry.

[whichwayisup]

You seem to be going through alot, and I think what could really help you is therapy. NOT couples therapy but one on one therapy. Need to put YOU first, gain self worth, confidence and learn to LOVE yourself. No man will make you feel good and happy unless you feel it inside.

 

If you are not happy with this man, sex or otherwise then leave. Maybe he does love you alot, but he makes you feel bad about you. When you love somebody and they love you, it is supposed to be easy! Just a magnetic flow back and forth...Does that make sense? He just may not be suited for you, you don't seem happy. If you do love him and want him eventually when you are feeling stronger and had some help for you, then try and fix the marriage if you still choose to stay with this man...

 

All the best though, and please don't be sorry...Find a therapist, they really can help you through this stuff and it sounds very painful for you.

 

WWIU

[anopenbook]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

 

All the best though, and please don't be sorry...Find a therapist, they really can help you through this stuff and it sounds very painful for you.

 

WWIU

 

What I hate the most is that I am hurting him. I don't understand that. I don't like him but, I love him & it is SO hard to fix me when all I am worried about is HIM.

 

I think I am afraid to go back to therapy. When I went the last time, I remembered things I know why I chose to forget. I guess I must still have something that needs uncovered. Thank you for being so nice.

[whichwayisup]

What I hate the most is that I am hurting him. I don't understand that. I don't like him but, I love him & it is SO hard to fix me when all I am worried about is HIM.

 

Has he told you that you are hurting him or is this coming from inside you. Think about it...He loves you, I don't doubt that, but LOVING someone and still making them feel bad is just not healthy. I'm not saying this is in your head, I understand that you are concerned, you put him first; to please him, satisfy his needs, his desires...But when does he put you first? You need that security, that feel of love and desire too. Do you understand what I'm saying here? He's not giving it to you yet you are so wrapped in pleasing him.

 

I have afew friends who were abused when they were younger. The damage that can do, emotionally, physically is just unreal. I can totally understand you not wanting to go back to therapy as I'm sure it is extremely painful and brings up things you'd rather forget. But honey, those memories are there, inside you and being with this man is making it worse. There is something about him that just brings it up, makes you feel horrible and worse about it all. Seems like Cell Memory. Something is being triggered in you by him.

 

I'm sorry, this is very personal for you, maybe I should wait and see if this is OK to discuss out here or should I PM you...I just have some ideas that could really help you through this if you'd like. I have a friend who's gone through something similar and my gut is just screaming here, so please PM me soon okay?

 

Thanks for reading.

 

WWIU

[anopenbook]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

 

I'm sorry, this is very personal for you, maybe I should wait and see if this is OK to discuss out here or should I PM you...I just have some ideas that could really help you through this if you'd like. I have a friend who's gone through something similar and my gut is just screaming here, so please PM me soon okay?

 

Thanks for reading.

 

WWIU

 

 

I am trying to PM you, I know I am able to send & recieve. If you can, please message me. If you can't, please feel free to scream out here. Maybe someone else could get some help out of whatever you tell me. I need someone to help me.

[Owl]

I really feel your pain friend. I'm very sorry that you're going through this, and that you've gone through some tough times in the past.

 

One bit of clarification, so maybe you can understand something about your husband. When he was looking for sex after hearing about your affair, that's not really that surprising. A LOT of guys react that way. It's got a couple of drivers behind it...one is more a "territorial" thing. Very often after an affair is discovered, sex will pick up. He's "establishing his territory" again...and often, that's what the wandering spouse wants too. There is as a desire to "belong" to that person again. Perhaps not in your case, but often. Another part of it might be this...for him, sex is high on his EMOTIONAL needs to. Even for guys, sex is not always about physical need or lust. It can be as important an emotional need for them as it is for many women. I know it is in my case. So it's possible that his need for sex isn't just lust, it could be that he sees it as a sign of love from you.

 

Now...I could also be full of snot. I don't know him or you in person, so I can't honestly say that this IS the case in your relationship. I'm curious if you've ever talked to him about this? Have you told him how you feel about sex? If so, how did he respond?

 

WWIU is right...you do need to take care of yourself. If this is so debilitating for you, then you really do need to work on helping yourself. Therapy does sound like something you need....and I know how little fun it is, trust me. But, if you dont' work through this, you'll NEVER feel better about yourself, your marriage, or a lot of things. I'd suggest that you TELL your husband what your feeling, tell him that you're going to try therapy to help yourself get though it. Tell him that you love him. Maybe help him to understand that sex for you isn't a sign of love, and that right now it's getting harder and harder for you to deal with.

 

Go over to the <removed> site, and take a look at the emotional needs survey. Take it. Ask your husband to take it. Compare the results. You're likely to find that your needs and his are a lot different. And here's the problem...it sounds like neither one of you are trying to fill the other person's needs...it sounds like your both ASSUMING that the other persons needs are the same as your own. That was a huge issue in my marriage.

 

Last thing. You've had two affairs...are any of them ongoing at this time? If so, end them now. There is no way you'll be able to take the steps you need to help yourself, and eventually to fix your marriage, while you're dealing with something like that as well.