someonespecial Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 I left my husband because he was emotionally abusive and controlling about two months ago. I cant help but still feel something for him. Is it normal for me to miss him even though I left. How long does it take for this to go away. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 Yes. He was part of your world for a long time & now there is an empty space. Presumably there were some good times. Just because it was smarter for you to leave doesn't mean you don't notice he is gone or long for a solid relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scott0310 Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 Jist as d0nnivian said, he was a big part of your life. Now here is the real kicker...was he trying to fix his problems? I ask because me wife is leaving me because I was also kind of emotionally abusive, but I started to realize it and begun taking steps to fix it before it was too late. now I am living in a hotel having not seen my wife or kids in about a week, I can only pray that my wife is missing me even just a little bit. Maybe enough to see that I had started to change. IIf your husband hasnt even tried to xhange for the better, I say talk to him see if he knows and wants to fix it, or just keep doing what youre doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott0310 Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 Jist as d0nnivian said, he was a big part of your life. Now here is the real kicker...was he trying to fix his problems? I ask because me wife is leaving me because I was also kind of emotionally abusive, but I started to realize it and begun taking steps to fix it before it was too late. now I am living in a hotel having not seen my wife or kids in about a week, I can only pray that my wife is missing me even just a little bit. Maybe enough to see that I had started to change. IIf your husband hasnt even tried to xhange for the better, I say talk to him see if he knows and wants to fix it, or just keep doing what youre doing. Link to post Share on other sites
The dad Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 It's been 11 months since my ex cheated on me and we separated and divorced. Since then she has put our daughter and I through hell. We were together for 27 years, and although I wish I never had to see her again, there Is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her, BUT, it's not near as bad as it was last month, and that wasn't as bad as it was the month before. It gets easier as time goes by. My advice is to keep busy, and do all those things YOU have always wanted to do, but got put aside before. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 I left my husband because he was emotionally abusive and controlling about two months ago. I cant help but still feel something for him. Is it normal for me to miss him even though I left. How long does it take for this to go away. Please give examples of his emotional abuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCardigan Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 Please give examples of his emotional abuse. Please don't trigger yourself by giving examples of his abusive behavior toward you. It actually doesn't matter what it was, it is universally hard to get over. It may take a very long time and I'd encourage you to get counseling. I was in an abusive relationship and with a therapist it took about 2 years to get through it. And yes, I missed him sometimes...it is part of the cycle of violence/abusers because when it's good, it is really good but when it's not, well, you know what that is like. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliKatherine Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 I left and then divorced an emotionally abusive/manipulative spouse too. It's been 5 months since I left and only a couple weeks since our divorce was official. I'm in counseling. Some days are good and some days are just incredibly painful and I miss him-- at least the good parts. For the first three months he was my first thought upon awakening each morning. Now it's become intermittent. I don't know when it will stop. Sometimes when I am feeling particularly lonely and I find my mind wandering back to him I have to remind myself of the events leading up to my leaving, and the effect of our conflicts on our kids...I still doubt my own judgement sometimes, or hear his disapproval/ negativity as I move throughout my day. I've tried reading some books but haven't found many yet that really hit home with me. One exercise I do find helpful when I journal is to write about 3 things I am grateful for that day, which could be as simple as taking a hot shower, playing hide-n-seek with the kids, going for a walk in the sunshine-- it sort of consciously forces me to focus on positive new memories rather than dwelling on he past or being wishful about what future events will no longer be a family affair. I think recalling past episodes of abuse is only helpful in a broad thematic sense to help yourself summarize why you realized it was necessary to leave the relationship and perhaps aid one in recognizing some early warning signs in a new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
hurts1968 Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 Jist as d0nnivian said, he was a big part of your life. Now here is the real kicker...was he trying to fix his problems? I ask because me wife is leaving me because I was also kind of emotionally abusive, but I started to realize it and begun taking steps to fix it before it was too late. now I am living in a hotel having not seen my wife or kids in about a week, I can only pray that my wife is missing me even just a little bit. Maybe enough to see that I had started to change. IIf your husband hasnt even tried to xhange for the better, I say talk to him see if he knows and wants to fix it, or just keep doing what youre doing. Scott0310, I am exactly where you are, I didn't even see what I was doing until it was too late, thought we had a great marriage and family (3 year old daughter) My bad but up until the day before she said it was over she was telling me how good our marriage was, how good our future was going to be etc, how are you supposed to work on things if you don't know??? I am working so hard on changing myself, for me, for my daughter and maybe one day even for my STBXW. At the moment we are still in the same house (Finances & I can't bear to be away from my daughter) but I hope when i do leave she will miss me, we had so many great times together and fought so hard to build where we got to. Link to post Share on other sites
hurts1968 Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 I left my husband because he was emotionally abusive and controlling about two months ago. I cant help but still feel something for him. Is it normal for me to miss him even though I left. How long does it take for this to go away. someonespecial, guess i am sort of in your husbands shoes, don't know what he did etc, I guess that no matter what is happening now you guys spent a lot of time together, a large chunk of your life and probably had lots of great times as well as the bad. Why wouldn't you miss him? I was emotionally abusive and controlling..didn't know I was but can see it now...didn't get a chance to change and now my STBXW is certainly getting her own back....but I still miss her, love her, want to be with her and only want the best for her....why wouldn't I. many people have said to me it's a time thing...and I guess that's what you need to process your feelings...time Hope it all goes well for you Link to post Share on other sites
Scott0310 Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 someonespecial, Is there anyway you can inform him of his actions, perhaps get him to see what he's done and perhaps see if he's willing to change? I know people always say "never change for anyone" but in this case its a must. Just as I stated, I was the "abusive" one in my marriage, my wife stayed with me for 10 years, and I never saw most of it. Never realized so much of what I was doing to her, but at the same time, she never really told me. It took this long for her to finally open up to me a few months ago and tell me she was unhappy. However, at that point I had started to already realize that and actually change to be a better husband for her. Last week I bluntly asked her if I had told her I noticed what I was doing and that I nwated to change, would that have made a difference; and she said yes, we probably wouldnt be separated and would instead be working to fix this. So thats why I ask if there was ever a conversation, all because she never told me how she felt, and I never conveyed that I knew and wanted to fix it, I am now in this situation. Is he the guy, if changed for the better, you could love for the rest of your life? I only ask because you were kind of vague in your post as to wither or not any work was dont to maybe fix the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author someonespecial Posted March 14, 2014 Author Share Posted March 14, 2014 ex says he has changed. Idk how you can change in a month (how long we have been separated) He has enrolled in anger management and holds onto hope that we will get back together. I dont want him back. I cant get past the terrible things he did to me. He was physically abusive the first five years of our marriage and I left him but came back and after that he was emotionally abusive. We separated again a month ago. I hope he changes for someone else's sake. I dont want him back but I still think of the very little good times we have had. I try to remind myself that there were alot of bad times and that eventually I will find a man to respect me and love me the way I deserve. That keeps me going right now. I just didnt know if it was normal to miss someone who was so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott0310 Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 Ok well the physical stuff is a no-no...deal breaker. My wife and I have been separated since first week of Jan, so just over two months now. I have changed, all the rage issues I used to have, I have not had one since. I used to get headaches/migraines all the time, not a one. After I realized what I had done (i was more verbally/emotional) I put a stop to all the stuff I was doing, and surprisingly it was rather easy. I used to rage over nothing, and get constant headaches, but like I said, by not raging, and thinking things through or just plain ole not letting things bother me that shouldn't, I havent had any issues. I believe its normal to miss him, he was part of your life, and by him trying to be in it still, constantly makes you think of him, which is a constant reminder. Link to post Share on other sites
Author someonespecial Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 He wants me to give him a chance to prove he has changed. I am so afraid to do that. I agreed to a date on Saturday but I am not sure if I want him back and I dont believe in my heart he has changed in a month. I dont think that is possible to change a 16 year habit in a month. He thinks that if I dont go out with him he wont be able to prove he has changed. I kind of agree but am not so sure that going out is the best idea as he may just be on "his best behavior". Link to post Share on other sites
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