What do I do with this psycho ex

[ktya]

Ok I'll preface this with that I did break up with my ex and we were on much better terms the next day. The main reason I care is because I became step dad to her daughter and I'd still like to be involved in her life. A secondary reason is because after the breakup we actually became pretty good friends and I've tried to keep it that way.

 

--

 

Ok so she left me. I'll keep the details of this part short. She left an extraordinary amount of crap here behind, most of which I'd consider garbage after her first arrival to pick up her things. We're talking a garage and a basement full to the brim. (This clutter was what we were fighting over, it was a relief for me when she left we were largely keeping it together for the sake of the kid).

 

Being the good ex boyfriend I was I told her no rush on getting your stuff and I was trying to help her to become independent. She moved out in haste to her dads and I was trying to give her breathing room so she could get herself an apartment or suite with the little girl. There was some serious ex-sex involved at this time, roleplaying hookers, the whole nine yards. It was fun but...

 

She then started wanting to get back together. I gave it serious thought but the phone conversations we were having were getting reminiscent of the sideways drama that caused us to break up in the first place and despite explaining to her that if there was a chance of that we'd have to have fun together rather than me hearing her moan about how everything I did was wrong and needed to change.

 

At the time it gave me chuckles, here I was the dumpee, the dumper wanted me back, and the dumper was feeding me laundry lists of demands. The irony bit me. I tried to explain. But...

 

Background was she hit OLD days after she walked out. I waited a month to get in the game and eventually did. I lined up some dates with some great cuties and I was excited. She blew out and said if I went on so much as one date any chance I had of getting back together with her was over and we might not even be able to be friends, and I might not get to see much of her daughter (kid is 9, I knew her since she was 5, calls me dad).

 

I gave it a days thought and said I'd have to let her go. It wasn't that the date was so special ( a first date from OLD ) it was the gun to my head and unless she lived in her own place and I could see how she lived (we fought over domestic sh*t like how messy the house was, how bad she was with the bills and money, and I'm not OCD believe me I'm not the cleanest guy it was bad.. imagine putting your drink down on the coffee table and the next sip you go to take theres 5 fruit flies already drowning in it.. I learned to put my wallet over my drink). Until then I couldn't fathom even starting to get back together.

 

So she then said fine I can see other girls and still see her. Weird. But the late night phonecalls were getting weirder and more agonizing to bear through. I'd say I wanted to put her daughter in my will or I had a grocery store gift card for her to buy the kids lunch stuff and it would somehow twist into some insane 6 hour long argument. I was trying to be nice but not fun at all and sometimes until 4am and I had to work at 9am.

 

So I had her over one day so I could see the kid, she was desperate to sleep over with the kid and given the nature of the conversations I thought any more ex sex at this time was a bad idea. I hung out with them for 5 hours made them lunch and sent them back to her dads.

 

I went on a date, it was good hit a home run and I really liked the girl. Nothing serious just casual dating but I was having a great time. Sunny disposition, the girl was clean and had a good job (the ex was a stay at home mom always depressed and anxious this was a breath of fresh air) Boy was I glad I went out dating again.

 

Ex was going insane, I told her go on some dates. Told her take it slow, don't go rebounding but maybe you'll relax a bit with the idea of me dating if you have your own things going on.

 

AND THEN THE CRAZY BEGINS

 

She meets some guy for a date. She tells me it went well, I'm happy for her. Guy seems nice and thoughtful. Weirdly enough she brags about how great he is because his house is messy and he likes certain TV shows and board games. Ok, whatever, not my thing but cool.

 

A week later she introduces the daughter to his daughter.

 

Two weeks later she moves in with him.

 

Five weeks later (last week) they got engaged. (wow)

 

Now I have no residual feelings for this girl other than friendship and wanting the best for her daughter who I at times raised on my own due to my ex'es health problems. I don't care about the engagement or the moving in together but I have reservations because it's all so fast, I just know its not going to end well and I find it irresponsible with the kid in the picture.

 

Trying to be a good guy come through on a hotel booking I promised the kid months earlier. She was good at summer camp and I promised. Send the ex and the kid off to a nice place for a night place with a pool.

 

I guess the hotel bill came to $80 for room service. The original deal was I'd pay the hotel and the ex would pay for the food. Ex is hard up on cash asks if I can help. We decide to split it, $40 each. Sounds fair.

 

I drop $60 in the kids bank account. Tell her that $40 is for you and $20 is for the kid, so she can use her bank card again, she likes to feel grown up. I had been giving the kid an allowance for chores, taking bottles in with her and was teaching her to save. The ex, being bad with money, always runs her bank account on E.

 

2.5 months post breakup, I'm getting tired of my basement and garage being filled with her things. My garage is filled literally to the ceiling, basement 2/3 full. Shes living with a new guy now and not hearing much about this crap getting removed I'm starting to get annoyed. I hire a 5 ton truck and pay for it and get her and the new bf over here to load it and take the stuff. They load the whole 5 ton and a pickup truck and my garage is still half full. Arrgh. To this day even.

 

During the time they are loading I talk to the daughter. Ask what she has bought with the money. Kid tells me I only left money for the hotel bill, nothing for her. I'm like "ooookk...". Kid asks me about my shoes, I say my friend Lisa bought them for me. Kid then proceeds to tell me my entire dating situation (she's 9!) that I'm seeing Lisa and Caye and trying to get with both of them and I'm just floored. I don't react to the kid figure I'll talk to the ex later.

 

I call the ex afterwards, pretty mad. Tell her hey you lied to the kid about the $20, that's not cool. She gives me a song and dance but I could tell she was lying. I give her crap for the whole dating situation thing. Turns into a horrible conversation.

 

Now here we are 3.5 months later... Ex texts me at 5:30am. I'm pretty drunk, we text back and forth about girls I'm seeing, my work, roomates, the house, blabla. I am working from home the next day and ask what shes up to while the kids are at school. Somehow the conversation drifts to how she is broke again, I make a quip like, "I'm not paying for Greek". She asks if I just offered her sex for money. Jokingly I say depends how you read it. She says that's not really appropriate convo switches back to one of the girls I'm dating. After a while convo ends.

 

Few days later I get the kids bank statement. I have signing authority so I open it. Sure enough I see that the whole $60 was bilked in one visit to a grocery store. Proved her song and dance wrong entirely. I take a picture of it with my phone and shoot it to her. Not interested in arguing about it, I just ask her nicely please do the right thing and pop the money back into the kids account. Not right to lie to me and to the kid and take the kids money.

 

She flips and says its a federal offence to open someone else's mail. I ask her to drop the attitude and let her know there is other mail here for her, when is she coming by to grab her things and when do I get to see the kid its been so long maybe she can get her mail then.

 

She resumes to fly off the handle again saying she will come get her things but I cannot expect her to come here unescorted because if I were to put my words into actions (ie the sex for money) blabla. I treated her like a whore, blabla. THis is where I find out about the engagement.

 

At this point I'm like WTF. For one this girl long before I ever met her WAS a whore apparently. Offered herself on craigslist for extra cash. She had tried working in a massage parlour for a bit albeit unsuccessfully. Her and I did the role play during ex sex where she was a ... whore. I even gave her the hundred bucks afterwards. It was a loan and she did pay it back a few weeks later, but this is the background.

 

So I just wish her well on her engagement and ask her to please get her things in the next 2 weeks or less. I remind her I'm not being mean but its been 3.5 months.

 

Given I haven't seen the kid in 2.5 months now and certainly not for lack of trying, coupled with this engagement thing, I doubt I'm going to get to see this kid in anything other than passing for a long time. That makes me sad, but I'll deal I guess if that's what I'm dealt with, not much else I can do.

 

Its not like I'm pining for my ex back, not even the ex sex. I was dating two very hot girls and getting laid sometimes twice in a day for most of Jaunary and a lot of February. I can line up dates no problem and take them to the bedroom. The longer I've been away from my ex and the more women I meet and talk to the more I realize that that relationship was doomed and that that woman is truly nutbar.

 

I'd like to maintain a relationship with her (friends) mostly so I can see the kid from time to time. I asked for one visit every two weeks for four hours. Partly because I miss the kid and partly because I am worried for her sanity.

 

Backgrounder on the situation she moved into with the new guy (I guess fiancée now). He lived with his ex when my ex moved in. He lives with his mom. His mom has a boyfriend who has a terminal illness. The mom is a bit nutty, was stomping around taking dishes and wrote on one of the fridges in black felt marker, "KEEP OUT - MINE". The new boyfriend has threatened to take away her cell phone when she was talking to me about what shes doing to the kid and the conversation wasn't going well. The place she moved into is total trailer park type area, its not a trailer but its in a horrific area of town. Not really especially dangerous just ... uck. Kind of slummy.

 

But especially given the short convo last night, I can see she's itching to escalate into an argument. Despite being nice, not aggressive, not taking her bait, she'd escalate anyway. Makes me really PO'ed because I really have been nice and consistent and stuck to my word even after the breakup (I told her I planned to casually date and that's it, so after she moved into her own place if we decided to try to get back together I wasn't going to be locked down. I was doing that because that's what I really wanted myself, to just casually date, and that's exactly what I'm doing). I never got angry and threw her crap out on the street. I tried giving her grocery store gift cards and sending her to a hotel to get a night out from her dad's place and paying half the hotel bill and giving the kid $20.

 

I'm at the point where, unfortunately I think I need to write off my relationship with the kid until the kid is old enough to understand things for herself. The relationship with the ex is probably already a write off. She has no filter and the new guy probably thinks I'm an abusive drunken demon. I hope I don't have to make use of my martial arts and fire him 15 feet out my door when she comes to get her things. I have no beef with him, gawd man he can have this woman... as long as he takes the rest of her garbage good on him.

 

Ugh.

[Keenly]

Let me give you some helpful advice here man.

 

 

She is batSh*t crazy. Also, your daughter, as cute as you might find her and as much of a bond you built with her, its not your kid. It never will be your kid. She will be used as leverage against you by your ex.

 

You need to give her a hard and fast deadline. You need to tell her she has 7 days to get ALL of her crap out of YOUR house or its all going to goodwill.

 

 

You need to move on man, you have NOTHING for you living in the past like this. All it does is confuse the hell out of you, and leave you wondering whether you are crazy, or if she is the crazy one.

 

Its time to man up and move on.

[ktya]

Yeah the more I watch it from the outside the more I see the batsh*t crazy. She was a mental case when she lived with me but I'm a pretty solid and resilient dude and I (somehow!) kept it together and kept as much of a semblance of normalcy as I could around here.

 

Your right on the leverage. Its come up a bunch of times. Now that she is "engaged" in her beautiful 5 week relationship she's probably ready to give the kid yet another dad and will feel justified in doing so (hey we are getting married so of course she will call him dad... ugh). Which means I'm going to get the squeeze.

 

I've been trying to see the kid for 2.5 months now. Always so busy with this new guy. So busy she hasnt had a chance to arrange getting her sh*t out of here.

 

I moved on the moment I went on a single date and saw what a relatively normal woman is like. First girl I started seeing had a job (ex sat around the house all day) had her own money, paid for half the first date and treated me sometimes (ex constantly had hand outstretched and I had to pay for everything), and was solidly with feet on the ground (was sending $1200 a month to pay for her own kid overseas, paid her rent, bought her furniture, paid her bills, etc.) and actually had a positive demeanor and just being around her made me smile (ex was always moaning about how horrible life was, both with regards to me and everything else).

 

Unfortunately I'm not seeing that particular girl much anymore, but I've been banging girls like johnny jackrabbit and I'm *so* *glad* *that* I'm no longer with my ex.

 

How I put up with her for 3.5 years I just can't fathom. These days when I consider my house a disaster, it isnt even close to when I would come home and the ex would moan about how I didnt appreciate or make mention of how she cleaned the place for once.

 

Ex is a nice person, but yes batsh*t crazy. Moving in after 2 weeks? Engaged after 5? I know love at first sight and all but when there's not one but two kids involved I think the both of them are crazy enough to deserve eachother. I'm not masochistic but I think it's going to be quite the fun to watch when this thing absolutely explodes. I give the two of them until the end of the summer.

lol

[BlueIris]

I recommend packing up her stuff and delivering it to her place or her parent’s house on a certain date so you don’t wait for her to get it done. It gives you a lot more control over whether it gets done and you can actually cut the ties, stop talking to her, stop having sex with her, stop monitoring her business.

 

I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to maintain a relationship with the child unless you're sincerely respectful of her mother. You consider her mother crazy and psycho, so it’s best that the child not see, hear or pick up on that.

[ktya]

I know the thread is long (I type 140wpm so I kind of spew lots of details on forums sometimes) but for the record I have not had any sex with her since New Years. The ex-sex was mostly in December shortly after she left.

 

I do have access to a 5 ton truck sometime mid month. But TBH if I end up hiring and paying for a SECOND 5 ton truck and loading it myself she's getting the drag-n-drop service at her end. (Where you open the door, wind out the truck and once you hit the curb yard on the E-brake, the **** goes flying out the back onto the lawn). That wouldnt go over well but neither does me being the ex-boyfriend, being the one paying and hiring the trucks to get her crap out 3 months later.

 

It really bites me that she's had time and money to... get a boyfriend, move in with him, buy the kids new beds, get engaged, start a sewing business, start a daycare business (tiny cottage this is nothing other than hobbyist stuff) but no time or money to get her crap.

 

But you guys are right, even though I've got the feeling that I'm not going to be seeing the kid until the kid is old enough to jump on the bus and make her own way here, this psycho is going to cause nothing but problems in my life.

 

Man did it ever PI*S me off that she stole the $20 I gave the kid, lied to the kid about me giving it to her and then lied to me, and then when I have the proof blows up like I'm the bad guy. Its not about the money, its only twenty bucks. Its the fact that it was the kids money, a gift from me.

 

Some people. Jeez

[BlueIris]

I’m saying this only gently, not to condemn you: For your own peace and happiness, handling the transport of the stuff by setting up a delivery date, then delivering it to the designated location, and then going NC, could feel wonderful, a gift to yourself. I’ve found that doing something the best way I can possibly muster brings me more closure than anything the other person does. Then, being a big cry baby, I cry for while. I think lots of people skip that part.

[ktya]

that might be a nice way to go... I might take up on your advice.

 

Although I'm well done crying. I was crying about it before she left. Overjoyed when she actually did. God to just have fun with a girl again after all that time.

 

Although the woman cost me $900 a month plus incidentals, vacations, the most recent truck I hired to move her stuff, she ripped off $20 I gave to her kid for herself...

 

IN a way a drag-n-drop might be a nice touch to finish it off. Although I am normally a nice guy, I might not have the heart to do it.