My boyfriend has a female roommate and I hate it

[mammasita]

A little black and white. I have male housemates and my bf female housemates. Only been together a couple months, should we have both rearranged our living situations once we decided to get together?

 

Having said that, they're both group mixed sex settings. I'd be uncomfortable if it was just him and one woman, and understand if a partner felt similarly in return. I did however have a male friend as my flatmate just the two of us when I began a two year relationship and although my ex moved in with us both fairly quickly (due to extreme personal circumstances), he didn't have an issue with the set up. Possibly because that's how things were before he came along. Getting a opposite gender sole roomie once in a years long established R seems weird to me. But each to their own!

Agreed - you're absolutely right.

 

I think that in OP's case and in any established relationship....if one or the other decides during the relationship to become roomates with a member of the opposite sex, then hell no.

[Keenly]

Doesn't sound like any of you trust your men very much.

 

If I needed to replace my roommate for whatever reason while in a relationship and a girl wanted to take the room, I'd have no choice but to take her. I'm also not a complete moron. I can control myself and I'm also not stupid enough to sh*t where I sleep.

 

If my girlfriend didn't trust me enough to have s female roommate, I'd wonder about her overall level of trust for me.

[mammasita]

Doesn't sound like any of you trust your men very much.

 

If I needed to replace my roommate for whatever reason while in a relationship and a girl wanted to take the room, I'd have no choice but to take her. I'm also not a complete moron. I can control myself and I'm also not stupid enough to sh*t where I sleep.

 

If my girlfriend didn't trust me enough to have s female roommate, I'd wonder about her overall level of trust for me.

For me, its not really about trust. If I were in the situation you describe....I would never in a gazillion years consider a male roomate.

 

I know I would never let anything happen and I know that my BF trusts me.....but I just simply wouldn't. Same gooes for one on one "going out" friendships with men - I don't do it while I'm in a relationship.

 

Call me old fashioned....or just old. Whatever

[ASG]

Doesn't sound like any of you trust your men very much.

 

If I needed to replace my roommate for whatever reason while in a relationship and a girl wanted to take the room, I'd have no choice but to take her. I'm also not a complete moron. I can control myself and I'm also not stupid enough to sh*t where I sleep.

 

If my girlfriend didn't trust me enough to have s female roommate, I'd wonder about her overall level of trust for me.

 

See... this is it.

If people are going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Having an opposite sex flatmate is not gonna change that.

 

If you can't trust your partner, then what are you doing in a relationship???

 

 

As for the one-on-one going outs with people of the opposite sex... again... why not? If everything is above board, what's the problem??

 

I would never see some of my male friends if they went by that rule, since we usually meet up without their GFs being present. And there is NOTHING going on between us (and to be honest, if the GFs wanted to tag along, they'd be welcome to, but usually they just don't want to)

[Keenly]

For me, its not really about trust. If I were in the situation you describe....I would never in a gazillion years consider a male roomate.

 

I know I would never let anything happen and I know that my BF trusts me.....but I just simply wouldn't. Same gooes for one on one "going out" friendships with men - I don't do it while I'm in a relationship.

 

Call me old fashioned....or just old. Whatever

 

Sometimes financial necessity must give way to old fashioned unwritten rules. If the person is faithful, and you have complete trust in them, what's so wrong about a business arrangement?

 

I guess its easier for me, since I don't leave my room. I never hang out in the living room.

[Emilia]

So it's been a while since I last posted and this might be a long one, but I'm really having trouble with my LDR. As the title says, the D in LDR is about to change, as he's moving closer to where I live. For the last 2 1/2 years he's been about 90 minutes away via car (which he doesn't have) or train. This weekend he'll be moving about 30-60 minutes away depending on traffic/train schedules. Let me also say a few things:

1. I will not be moving in with him
   
2. He's "planned" on moving for the past year, but kept delaying it
   
3. We've been together for 4 years
   

I wouldn't really call 90 minutes away via car or train 'long distance' in the sense that it's perfectly manageable every weekend at least. I thought LDRs implied having such distance that you can't meet up often? If you didn't see him often was perhaps because he didn't/doesn't take this relationship seriously?

Here's the problem. When he first started looking for apartments, he knew he couldn't afford a 1 bedroom in the area he wanted. I wasn't terribly okay with him having a roommate, mostly because he's a slob and I didn't want him to have roommate drama but he insisted it was the best move.

This sounds somewhat controlling. Do you often act like his mother?

He met and talked to a few different guys but for various reasons none of them worked out. Then he talked about a female roommate which I really didn't like. I told him it made me uncomfortable, but that didn't seem to matter because he's now moving in with some girl he met on Craigslist.

 

I tried to be okay with it, and originally thought my negative feelings were due to anxiety over things changing so quickly. He also kept me in the dark through much of the process because we kept arguing.

 

I guess what I'm getting at is whether I'm being unreasonable, or at least to what degree I'm being unreasonable. I wanted him to move closer, but I'm really, really uncomfortable with the thought of him living a.) with another woman and b.) with a woman I don't know. Despite the amount of time we've been together, our lives are still very separate i.e. no mutual friends, not Facebook friends, etc. I trust that he'll remain faithful but what gets me is how little my opinion mattered. I explicitly told him I wasn't okay with him living with another woman but he went ahead and did it anyway.

 

When I confronted him about it, he admitted he didn't think he did anything wrong and that it was all me. I told him I wasn't sure how or if I could get past this, especially since it's not the first time he's completely ignored my feelings in an important decision. He's not a bad guy, just really selfish and not very considerate of others. His reply was "If you can't 'get past this' then it is on you. Figure it out or don't … I'm not playing this game. Get over it or don't … If you were this angry about it then why start complaining the day before I get my keys."

 

Again, I had already told him I didn't like this idea. He met this girl the same day he applied for the apartment and didn't ask me to go with him to meet the girl or to check out the place.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want to end things with him - especially since we finally have the chance to pick up where we left off 2 1/2 years ago, but I'm really mad at him and I don't know how to get past it.

I think the issue is that he doesn't really care about what you think or how you feel. You don't seem to have much of a relationship going on and it seem it has been on hold for the last 2 and half years despite the fact that you are only 90 minutes away from each other.

 

I read somewhere that you feel it's your own circumstances that are holding you back, perhaps. Perhaps you are both hesitant to sort things out. After 4 years none of these should be an issue though in my opinion.

[man_in_the_box]

But if you're a guy, you love a female roommate.

 

I've had several male and female flatmates during my 7+ year stay in one particular house. While the men were awesome I thought almost all of the women were terrible failures as flatmates. Either weird, never there, annoying or one way or another completely incompatible. I hate to generalise so I'll keep it at 'it depends'.

 

Wups, forgot about two during the last year that were ok. Still.

[justwhoiam]

Doesn't sound like any of you trust your men very much.

 

If I needed to replace my roommate for whatever reason while in a relationship and a girl wanted to take the room, I'd have no choice but to take her. I'm also not a complete moron. I can control myself and I'm also not stupid enough to sh*t where I sleep.

 

If my girlfriend didn't trust me enough to have s female roommate, I'd wonder about her overall level of trust for me.

 

Please, let's be serious here. Let me believe you are smarter than this. You have a girlfriend 30 minutes away. Wouldn't you do your best to find something that fits for the both of you? Wouldn't you want to be with her?

Or you need to jump out of bed and be at work? I'm sure many women here would have more than one word to define such a guy. Most people I know work around 1 hour away from work, whether by car or public transport.

 

I think he couldn't care less. He doesn't seem to make any effort. And well, if I read well, she would visit and stay in a hotel, and he wanted to be home with his parents. Something's very wrong with all this for a relationship going on for more than one year...

[Keenly]

Please, let's be serious here. Let me believe you are smarter than this. You have a girlfriend 30 minutes away. Wouldn't you do your best to find something that fits for the both of you? Wouldn't you want to be with her?

Or you need to jump out of bed and be at work? I'm sure many women here would have more than one word to define such a guy. Most people I know work around 1 hour away from work, whether by car or public transport.

 

I think he couldn't care less. He doesn't seem to make any effort. And well, if I read well, she would visit and stay in a hotel, and he wanted to be home with his parents. Something's very wrong with all this for a relationship going on for more than one year...

 

Since you are asking me, the last time I lived with a girlfriend it went poorly. I had no alone time. I was being nagged because I was some how responsible for keeping her entertained, even when I was saying over and over that I needed me time.

 

 

So thats why I'm not in a hurry to shack up.

[justwhoiam]

Since you are asking me, the last time I lived with a girlfriend it went poorly. I had no alone time. I was being nagged because I was some how responsible for keeping her entertained, even when I was saying over and over that I needed me time.

 

 

So thats why I'm not in a hurry to shack up.

I think she was not the right girl for you. As simple as that. Or you're just not ready now to be living with someone as a couple.

[man_in_the_box]

Please, let's be serious here. Let me believe you are smarter than this. You have a girlfriend 30 minutes away. Wouldn't you do your best to find something that fits for the both of you? Wouldn't you want to be with her?

 

But she doesn't want to move in with him either - seems to me as if they both don't want to accommodate anything to avoid this odd situation. What has the OP done besides nag that he should communicate better...?

 

Something's very wrong with all this for a relationship going on for more than one year...

 

That is highly situational.

[Els]

Doesn't sound like any of you trust your men very much.

 

If I needed to replace my roommate for whatever reason while in a relationship and a girl wanted to take the room, I'd have no choice but to take her. I'm also not a complete moron. I can control myself and I'm also not stupid enough to sh*t where I sleep.

 

If my girlfriend didn't trust me enough to have s female roommate, I'd wonder about her overall level of trust for me.

 

This is a personal boundary thing - different people have different boundaries, it's just about compatibility. Most people would also agree that the guy was being inconsiderate if he dismissed her offer to help him find roommates and just went ahead and took the first girl he saw without even making an effort to compromise.

 

Are you fine with your gf taking a male roommate even if you had offered to help her find female ones? You'd better be, given your strong opinion on this.

[LittleTiger]

I'm a bit late to the party here but this relationship doesn't look like one that's going to end in marriage - not a happy one anyway.

 

Your problem isn't the female room mate. If you've been together for four years and he's not discussing important stuff with you, such as his living arrangements, that's a clear sign that you two are not really 'connected' as a couple.

 

He clearly doesn't care what you think or how you feel. For me that's a deal breaker!

[Keenly]

This is a personal boundary thing - different people have different boundaries, it's just about compatibility. Most people would also agree that the guy was being inconsiderate if he dismissed her offer to help him find roommates and just went ahead and took the first girl he saw without even making an effort to compromise.

 

Are you fine with your gf taking a male roommate even if you had offered to help her find female ones? You'd better be, given your strong opinion on this.

 

I am okay with this, because I trust my hypothetical girlfriend enough to not cheat on me. If she does cheat on me, it will hurt but I'll know I didn't have to waste anymore time with the wrong girl. I want full trust. so in order to be trusted, I first have to trust,

[Agent Orange]

I wouldn't really call 90 minutes away via car or train 'long distance' in the sense that it's perfectly manageable every weekend at least. I thought LDRs implied having such distance that you can't meet up often? If you didn't see him often was perhaps because he didn't/doesn't take this relationship seriously?

 

90 minutes isn't so much "long distance" as it was a complete pain in the a**. We couldn't see one another every weekend for a multitude of reasons. Where he used to live is basically the most inconvenient place in NJ. He was at least 30 minutes from the nearest train station and had to rely on temperamental family members for rides to/from the station. For a while the only other option was for me to drive down to pick him up, drive back to my house and repeat the process to take him home. I did this a few times, but it grew too costly (gas, tolls). We also had conflicting schedules - at one point I was working two jobs before starting school full time so weekends weren't exactly "free." He also has been working 60-80 hrs/week for the last year, so again, weekends don't yield spare time.

 

I read somewhere that you feel it's your own circumstances that are holding you back, perhaps. Perhaps you are both hesitant to sort things out. After 4 years none of these should be an issue though in my opinion.

 

My personal circumstances definitely inhibit certain aspects of my life. I'm a full time graduate student, so working a job that pays enough to move would require either quitting school or reducing to part-time enrollment neither of which are an option right now since I'm in the middle of my master's thesis and applying to PhD programs in the fall. Financially, my focus has to remain on the future. Combine that with my dog, who is 90+ pounds, moving isn't in the cards for at least another year and that's if I can find a place that will take an animal his size. Otherwise I'm obligated to send him back to the agency I adopted him from. Since he's 6, it's unlikely he'd be adopted again and I refuse to do that to him.

[TAV]

So it's your dog over your relationship. Your boyfriend makes important decisions without consulting you. You have been together for a long time. Sounds more like a habit than something you are both really invested in.

[Agent Orange]

Yesterday he asked me to come over to the new place so he could cook dinner for me. Let's just say at first, it was awkward as balls. I've never known him to really use "we" in reference to he and I, so when "we" was used in reference to him and the roommate, I nearly burst. Within ten minutes (or less) my anxiety had reached a crippling level so I left to go for a walk and clear my head.

 

I'm not sure how long I was gone, probably 15-20 minutes at the most. Having left my coat in the apartment, I got cold and went back inside…still fuming.

 

Seeing how upset I was, he sat down next to me on the couch and tried to give me a hug. The physical affection slowly helped me to calm down. With his arm around me, he began to explain in detail precisely why he chose this particular individual for a roommate. Some of it I'd heard like the fact that she has a good job. Other things he'd kept to himself, for example, he was concerned about his credit score and debt to income ratio due to school loans. He told me he wanted a new lease, as opposed to subletting on an existing lease because so many of the listings he'd seen had too many rules about visitors (i.e. no visitors more than twice a month, 3 days max, etc.) and that he wanted me to be able to come and go as I please. The new roommate (whose name I can't remember right now) asked him how I felt about the situation and told him when they first met that she felt it was important that I was comfortable coming over. He told me he loves me, and that if I hadn't factored into his decision, he'd have sublet one of the places with more restrictions on overnight guests.

 

I was still mad, but it was dissipating and my heart had stopped racing…a good sign. Then he apologized. I love my Bf, but he's not one to offer apologies lightly or admit when he's wrong. He said that seeing how upset I was, and knowing he was the cause made him feel terrible. He also admitted that we should have had this discussion much earlier but between work and how quickly the process went through (about a week) there wasn't enough time. He admitted he rushed into this because he wanted to meet the April 1 deadline he'd given me after he'd pushed it back from March 1.

 

At some point I broke my silence and told him the place was decorated like something out of a Restoration Hardware catalogue and it felt like I was in the apartment of a yuppie married couple which added to my discomfort because the living room has absolutely no trace of him or his personality. He informed me that some of the furniture and a few paintings came with the place, but that he plans to store the items he doesn't like…especially the paintings since they're hideous. He also said he didn't think he'd renew this lease next year.

 

It took a little while, but for the most part I calmed down. I was still anxious about meeting the roommate but she didn't come back that night, which is fine.

 

Right now I don't know exactly how I feel about the situation. I'm happy he finally talked to me about the decision making process, albeit after the fact, and that he apologized. We had a good night and covered some of the things I'd been wanting to discuss pertaining to the future. Our relationship is definitely still a work in progress, and I think it's going to be a while before we fully adjust to the closer proximity. Hopefully things go well when I meet the roommate. I'm going to try to be open minded and upfront about things. From what my BF says, she's very formal and has addressed him as sir, instead of his first name. I still don't know what to make of that.

[Agent Orange]

So it's your dog over your relationship.

 

My dog is not taking preference over my relationship. I signed a legally binding contract that if I need to give him up, he must be returned to the organization in Georgia I adopted him from. As I said before, he's 6 years old and not a small animal. I've had him since he was a puppy so to give him up would be extremely unfair to him especially since Georgia is 12 hours away and in the deep south.

[Keenly]

 

At some point I broke my silence and told him the place was decorated like something out of a Restoration Hardware catalogue and it felt like I was in the apartment of a yuppie married couple which added to my discomfort because the living room has absolutely no trace of him or his personality. He informed me that some of the furniture and a few paintings came with the place, but that he plans to store the items he doesn't like…especially the paintings since they're hideous. He also said he didn't think he'd renew this lease next year.

 

.

 

Come on.... really? REALLY?

[TAV]

My dog is not taking preference over my relationship. I signed a legally binding contract that if I need to give him up, he must be returned to the organization in Georgia I adopted him from. As I said before, he's 6 years old and not a small animal. I've had him since he was a puppy so to give him up would be extremely unfair to him especially since Georgia is 12 hours away and in the deep south.

 

I understand that; I just don't understand why between the two of you, you cannot find a way to live together, big dog and all. It's not like you are in two different countries or a 1000 miles apart. Maybe I'm projecting too much of my own situation (5 kids between us, two different countries, a sea and 4 hrs travelling at least, oh yeah, and 2 cats ). Just one big dog sounds like a dream to me

Having said that; I am glad he reacted the way he did in your last post. Sounds hopeful and he sounds less of a selfish ass than the way he sounded to me in your earlier post.

And 'Sir'?? Really??? How much do they differ in age? That sounds weird to me, unless she is his submissive mistress (just kidding!)

[Agent Orange]

I understand that; I just don't understand why between the two of you, you cannot find a way to live together, big dog and all. It's not like you are in two different countries or a 1000 miles apart.

 

Just one big dog sounds like a dream to me

 

Having said that; I am glad he reacted the way he did in your last post. Sounds hopeful and he sounds less of a selfish ass than the way he sounded to me in your earlier post.

And 'Sir'?? Really??? How much do they differ in age? That sounds weird to me, unless she is his submissive mistress (just kidding!)

 

Well 1 big dog and a cat, but most places are more willing to accept a cat than a lab/newfoundland mix - what less both. I got really lucky to find the place I'm in now with 2 dogs and a cat.

 

Yeah, I felt a lot better after he and I talked. There's something about our relationship where communication via phone or any other medium is far less effective than in person. I'm a 'seeing is believing' type so depending on the conversation, I really need to be in someone's presence for their words to truly sink in.

 

The "sir" thing is weird to me too. Neither he nor I were really sure of what to make of it. I think all three of us are around the same age - she might be 1-2 years younger than he and I but I'm not positive.

[Agent Orange]

Come on.... really? REALLY?

 

I know it sounds ridiculous but it was a harsh blow. When you go to someone's place less than a week after they move in you expect to see a bunch of half unpacked boxes, not a model living room. It was freaky and took my anxiety, which is built largely on irrational thoughts and fears to an unexpected level.

 

To be honest, I'm just glad I was able to pinpoint the things that were making me uncomfortable. I couldn't have done that a year ago.

 

I don't know if you're familiar with how anxiety can effect people but here are some links that simplify the issue and can help you understand why something that seems so dumb, (like my reaction to my BF's apartment) can be interpreted as a colossal issue for others.

 

24 Comics That Capture The Frustration Of Anxiety Disorders

 

After Seeing These 9 Images, Anxiety and Panic Attacks all Make Sense | Relationship Surgery

[Els]

I'm a bit late to the party here but this relationship doesn't look like one that's going to end in marriage - not a happy one anyway.

 

Your problem isn't the female room mate. If you've been together for four years and he's not discussing important stuff with you, such as his living arrangements, that's a clear sign that you two are not really 'connected' as a couple.

 

He clearly doesn't care what you think or how you feel. For me that's a deal breaker!

 

This.

 

I think you are focusing on the wrong things, OP. It doesn't matter that the house looks like a catalogue showhouse. It doesn't matter that 'it doesn't show his personality'. It doesn't matter how the roommate behaves or looks like or if you've met her. To an extent, even the female roommate herself is simply a symptom of the greater problem.

 

Can you live with him making important arrangements without involving you in the decision making process, this late into the relationship? Because this is not going to be the only or last important decision that he'll make that will affect you as a couple.

[Agent Orange]

This.

 

I think you are focusing on the wrong things, OP. It doesn't matter that the house looks like a catalogue showhouse. It doesn't matter that 'it doesn't show his personality'. It doesn't matter how the roommate behaves or looks like or if you've met her. To an extent, even the female roommate herself is simply a symptom of the greater problem.

 

With all due respect, those things do matter to me. While I acknowledge his roommate is part of a larger problem, the other issues are valid to me.

 

Can you live with him making important arrangements without involving you in the decision making process, this late into the relationship? Because this is not going to be the only or last important decision that he'll make that will affect you as a couple.

 

I agree that the larger issue is significant which was the point of the original post. As to whether I can live with the possibility of this even repeating itself, I don't know. Honestly - I can't answer that right now. I do love him, and want a future with him. At the same time, I 'd be lying if I said this situation wasn't a major concern. Unfortunately cutting him off isn't as simple as other people like to think. He may sound like a prat, but he's also my best friend. Plus, as bad as he sounds, trust me when I say I'm worse…the only emotion I can really express is anger which often comes out as rage (think she Hulk). We've definitely put each other through a labyrinth of bulls*** over the years and yet we're still together.

 

Is this the last time he'll do something like this? Maybe, maybe not. Is this the last time I'll have an epic meltdown over both rational and irrational feelings? Absolutely not. Hell, it won't even be the last one to happen this week. My relationship may not be perfect, but looking at what else is out there (nothing promising, the last time I checked) I'm not going to rush into any decisions.

[Eivuwan]

Hmm well it sounds like you both have problems that could really hurt the relationship in the long run. Any plans on improving yourselves?