My boyfriend has a female roommate and I hate it

[Agent Orange]

So it's been a while since I last posted and this might be a long one, but I'm really having trouble with my LDR. As the title says, the D in LDR is about to change, as he's moving closer to where I live. For the last 2 1/2 years he's been about 90 minutes away via car (which he doesn't have) or train. This weekend he'll be moving about 30-60 minutes away depending on traffic/train schedules. Let me also say a few things:

1. I will not be moving in with him
   
2. He's "planned" on moving for the past year, but kept delaying it
   
3. We've been together for 4 years
   

 

Here's the problem. When he first started looking for apartments, he knew he couldn't afford a 1 bedroom in the area he wanted. I wasn't terribly okay with him having a roommate, mostly because he's a slob and I didn't want him to have roommate drama but he insisted it was the best move. He met and talked to a few different guys but for various reasons none of them worked out. Then he talked about a female roommate which I really didn't like. I told him it made me uncomfortable, but that didn't seem to matter because he's now moving in with some girl he met on Craigslist.

 

I tried to be okay with it, and originally thought my negative feelings were due to anxiety over things changing so quickly. He also kept me in the dark through much of the process because we kept arguing.

 

I guess what I'm getting at is whether I'm being unreasonable, or at least to what degree I'm being unreasonable. I wanted him to move closer, but I'm really, really uncomfortable with the thought of him living a.) with another woman and b.) with a woman I don't know. Despite the amount of time we've been together, our lives are still very separate i.e. no mutual friends, not Facebook friends, etc. I trust that he'll remain faithful but what gets me is how little my opinion mattered. I explicitly told him I wasn't okay with him living with another woman but he went ahead and did it anyway.

 

When I confronted him about it, he admitted he didn't think he did anything wrong and that it was all me. I told him I wasn't sure how or if I could get past this, especially since it's not the first time he's completely ignored my feelings in an important decision. He's not a bad guy, just really selfish and not very considerate of others. His reply was "If you can't 'get past this' then it is on you. Figure it out or don't … I'm not playing this game. Get over it or don't … If you were this angry about it then why start complaining the day before I get my keys."

 

Again, I had already told him I didn't like this idea. He met this girl the same day he applied for the apartment and didn't ask me to go with him to meet the girl or to check out the place.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want to end things with him - especially since we finally have the chance to pick up where we left off 2 1/2 years ago, but I'm really mad at him and I don't know how to get past it.

[Cakess]

You need to communicate your feelings to him; do it seriously and immediately. Be reasonable about the situation but also let him know that you are not comfortable with this decision. Suggest alternatives, be an active part of him finding a NEW roommate. If he ignores your feelings or doesn't seem open to hearing you out, it's a big red flag, and I would consider ending it. Dealing with a cheating boyfriend is much more difficult to handle.

[Candy_Pants]

I think you're being jealous and unreasonable. But I also think he could've handled the situation much better, and with more concern for your feelings.

 

What are your REAL issues with this female roommate? Do you not trust your bf??

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

OMG... I just went through the SAME THING with my relationship. Together for 3 years, he bought a house, and he was looking for a GIRL roommate on Craigslist!! CRAIGSLIST?! I was like "what the heck?!" Very offended and especially the quality of people on there, I was shocked he even considered it.

 

He said it's because girls smell better and are generally more clean. WHATEVER. I did NOT like that idea and it's not that I don't trust him, it's that I don't trust whoever "her" would be. I told him this and was very frank about it.

 

You are completely justified to feel this way. I turned it over on my bf and asked him, "well, would you like a guy living with me?!" and he said, "only if he was fat and ugly." I told him how this would NOT work for me and it would bother me and potentially affect our relationship. So he listened...

 

and now I'm moving in with him in April. A little stretch for me, but that's another story..

 

You definitely have a say so in this. I would suggest sitting down and talking about it seriously, be frank. If he has any respect for you, he will listen and take your concerns as an importance in who he finds as a roommate.

[Copelandsanity]

The challenge is that he doesn't have a lot of choice in the matter. His financial situation dictates the necessity of a roommate. And I don't know if you've ever personally had to search for room shares, but it's EXTREMELY difficult to find a good living situation with a potentially good roommate. If he's felt he found one, he has to jump on it ASAP.

[stillafool]

Is she really pretty?

[Candy_Pants]

Craigslist is where I'd go to find a roommate. It's not just a place to find easy sex.

[Copelandsanity]

Craigslist is where I'd go to find a roommate. It's not just a place to find easy sex.

 

Yeah, back in the day, that's what I and everyone else used to find room shares and apartments. I don't know what sites people use now, but craigslist was #1 back in the 2000s.

[Agent Orange]

Is she really pretty?

I don't know if she's pretty, I haven's seen her…don't even know her name.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Craigslist is where I'd go to find a roommate. It's not just a place to find easy sex.

 

Truee...but they have roommates.com

 

A lot of people (not all) on their are shady, irresponsible and untrustworthy. I know from experience.

 

But it's not even about Craigslist, it's the fact that he is looking for a girl.

[Agent Orange]

I think you're being jealous and unreasonable. But I also think he could've handled the situation much better, and with more concern for your feelings.

 

What are your REAL issues with this female roommate? Do you not trust your bf??

Like I said in the original post, I trust him as far as the possibility of cheating. I'm more upset that he made this decision without taking my feelings into consideration or even talking to me about it.

 

He literally met this girl, checked out the apartment and applied for the place all within 48 hours.

[Copelandsanity]

Truee...but they have roommates.com

 

A lot of people (not all) on their are shady, irresponsible and untrustworthy. I know from experience.

 

But it's not even about Craigslist, it's the fact that he is looking for a girl.

 

Was he looking specifically for a girl? Or was be just broadening his search?

 

Back in my 20s, I answered a Craigslist room-share ad not knowing it was a female, but it ended up being one. She picked me out of 10 candidates, and I had to jump onto the opportunity because the apartments was great, in the perfect location, the right price, and she seemed mature and responsible. These situations, you have to move onto them fast...you realize that after you've had terrible living situations and bad roommates in the past.

[Copelandsanity]

Like I said in the original post, I trust him as far as the possibility of cheating. I'm more upset that he made this decision without taking my feelings into consideration or even talking to me about it.

 

He literally met this girl, checked out the apartment and applied for the place all within 48 hours.

 

I think you need to have a discussion about it. Find out why he choose this particular apartment and why he felt she would be a good roommate. When it comes to finding a room share, you can't waste time. You find a good situation and capitalize on it.

[Agent Orange]

You need to communicate your feelings to him; do it seriously and immediately. Be reasonable about the situation but also let him know that you are not comfortable with this decision. Suggest alternatives, be an active part of him finding a NEW roommate. If he ignores your feelings or doesn't seem open to hearing you out, it's a big red flag, and I would consider ending it. Dealing with a cheating boyfriend is much more difficult to handle.

 

I don't even know if I can at this point. They've both signed the lease and are getting ready to move within the week.

 

OMG... I just went through the SAME THING with my relationship. Together for 3 years, he bought a house, and he was looking for a GIRL roommate on Craigslist!! CRAIGSLIST?! I was like "what the heck?!" Very offended and especially the quality of people on there, I was shocked he even considered it.

 

You are completely justified to feel this way. I turned it over on my bf and asked him, "well, would you like a guy living with me?!" and he said, "only if he was fat and ugly." I told him how this would NOT work for me and it would bother me and potentially affect our relationship.

 

You definitely have a say so in this. I would suggest sitting down and talking about it seriously, be frank. If he has any respect for you, he will listen and take your concerns as an importance in who he finds as a roommate.

 

He wasn't really seeking a female roommate, but he claims this girl was the best candidate because she has a stable job and seemed fairly normal.

 

When I turned the situation around, the first time he wouldn't respond…literally said he refused to answer the question. The second time (earlier today) he said "if you feel comfortable about it then go for it."

 

He's also accused me of thinking he'll be unfaithful and can't seem to understand that I'm upset over being cut out of the decision making process more than anything else.

[Copelandsanity]

LOL TBH, the best situation would have been for him to move in with you or to find a place to move into together, since you two have been together for so long.

[Agent Orange]

Was he looking specifically for a girl? Or was be just broadening his search?

 

Back in my 20s, I answered a Craigslist room-share ad not knowing it was a female, but it ended up being one. She picked me out of 10 candidates, and I had to jump onto the opportunity because the apartments was great, in the perfect location, the right price, and she seemed mature and responsible. These situations, you have to move onto them fast...you realize that after you've had terrible living situations and bad roommates in the past.

No, he was just looking for someone with a stable job and who didn't seem like a serial killer. It wasn't really a room share situation per se. He put an ad out looking for a roommate and then went to look at apartments. He wanted a new lease with the person (dunno why).

[Candy_Pants]

Meet the roommate. Help them move in. Get to know her a bit. That way she's not this faceless woman.

 

Btw, we live next-door to a girl who is obsessed with my H, and she openly despises me. I don't let it affect me. Why's that? Because he chooses me. And jealousy is extremely unattractive. Plus I'm much prettier than her (yes, it helps).

[Agent Orange]

LOL TBH, the best situation would have been for him to move in with you or to find a place to move into together, since you two have been together for so long.

That would have been nice, but it wasn't really an option. I live in northern NJ, am in grad school and therefore broke, and also the pet parent of a 90 pound lab mix.

 

Moving with a dog is hard enough, and my bf, had strict criteria for an apartment: no more than 10 minutes from the train, no suburbs, etc. So living together right now isn't possible.

[Copelandsanity]

I don't even know if I can at this point. They've both signed the lease and are getting ready to move within the week.

 

 

 

He wasn't really seeking a female roommate, but he claims this girl was the best candidate because she has a stable job and seemed fairly normal.

 

When I turned the situation around, the first time he wouldn't respond…literally said he refused to answer the question. The second time (earlier today) he said "if you feel comfortable about it then go for it."

 

He's also accused me of thinking he'll be unfaithful and can't seem to understand that I'm upset over being cut out of the decision making process more than anything else.

 

What I meant was to have a discussion about the situation so that you'll feel more comfortable about it. And about how you want him to go to you for input for important life decisions. Because you two are a team. Not about exiting the situation, lol. Like someone else mentioned, you can also meet the roommate, too.

 

Part of might be that he sensed that you would be extremely disapproving, to the point where you would forbid it. And in his mind, he wanted to do what was best in a tough situation. Moving, finding a stranger to move in with...it's stressful and not easy to do, and perhaps why he kept delaying it in the 1st place.

[Agent Orange]

 

Part of might be that he sensed that you would be extremely disapproving, to the point where you would forbid it. And in his mind, he wanted to do what was best in a tough situation. Moving, finding a stranger to move in with...it's stressful and not easy to do, and perhaps why he kept delaying it in the 1st place.

 

It wouldn't matter if I outright forbid it, or went on a year long hunger strike, he does what he wants to do. This is a guy who won't do anything if he doesn't want to…literally.

 

He kept delaying because he allegedly wanted to save more $$ before leaving his parents house. It gets more complicated, but that's the short story.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

No, he was just looking for someone with a stable job and who didn't seem like a serial killer. It wasn't really a room share situation per se. He put an ad out looking for a roommate and then went to look at apartments. He wanted a new lease with the person (dunno why).

 

Okay, so then what are you worried about? Besides the fact that you need to meet the person...

 

If "he was just looking for someone with a stable job and who didn't seem like a serial killer. It wasn't really a room share situation per se. He put an ad out looking for a roommate and then went to look at apartments. He wanted a new lease with the person" then I'm sure it was to save money. Assuming he is an adult and a "big boy" and this his financial concern, you don't need to be a part of it.

 

If you aren't jealous, you trust him and he just needs a roommate, I don't understand why you need to be involved?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

It wouldn't matter if I outright forbid it, or went on a year long hunger strike, he does what he wants to do. This is a guy who won't do anything if he doesn't want to…literally.

 

He kept delaying because he allegedly wanted to save more $$ before leaving his parents house. It gets more complicated, but that's the short story.

 

 

You are answering your own questions.

 

I think this has more to do with jealousy and trust issues.

[Copelandsanity]

Okay, so then what are you worried about? Besides the fact that you need to meet the person...

 

If "he was just looking for someone with a stable job and who didn't seem like a serial killer. It wasn't really a room share situation per se. He put an ad out looking for a roommate and then went to look at apartments. He wanted a new lease with the person" then I'm sure it was to save money. Assuming he is an adult and a "big boy" and this his financial concern, you don't need to be a part of it.

 

If you aren't jealous, you trust him and he just needs a roommate, I don't understand why you need to be involved?

 

Cause the roommate is female, lol. Even if the OP was "not jealous," he was supposed to have to went to her anyways; to inform her of the situation, his logical and mature intentions, and assuage any concerns she might have...make sure she's okay with the decision and the thought process behind it. In the end, it's still a guy living in close quarters with another girl.

 

At the same time, I don't think it's something to go crazy over. Just need to have a discussion to iron out about communication styles and preferences for the future.

Edited March 13, 2014 by Copelandsanity

[ASG]

I honestly cannot even begin to comprehend where the OP is coming from...

 

Maybe it's because I live in London, where having flatmates is the norm, unless you have a family, but I wouldn't even bat an eyelid at a boyfriend of mine having female flatmates.

The past 2 years I've lived with 2 guys. There is absolutely nothing going on between us, nor has there ever even been any hint of anything EVER happening.

 

So... yeah... I think you're being unreasonable and jealous, which is very unattractive...

[Agent Orange]

Cause the roommate is female, lol. Even if the OP was "not jealous," he was supposed to have to went to her anyways; to inform her of the situation, his logical and mature intentions, and assuage any concerns she might have...make sure she's okay with the decision and the thought process behind it. In the end, it's still a guy living in close quarters with another girl.

 

At the same time, I don't think it's something to go crazy over. Just need to have a discussion to iron out about communication styles and preferences for the future.

 

Thank you. That's exactly it - I thought he would have made me and by extension, our relationship more of a consideration before jumping into this situation. So far, talking to him isn't working but I admit, I'm probably being to aggressive mostly because I'm really pissed and hurt that he would do this regardless of how I feel.

 

If "he was just looking for someone with a stable job and who didn't seem like a serial killer. It wasn't really a room share situation per se. He put an ad out looking for a roommate and then went to look at apartments. He wanted a new lease with the person" then I'm sure it was to save money. Assuming he is an adult and a "big boy" and this his financial concern, you don't need to be a part of it.

 

If you aren't jealous, you trust him and he just needs a roommate, I don't understand why you need to be involved?

 

He put off moving to save money, yes. Though every time his move date got close, there was always some "family issue" that caused him to dip into his savings and start the process from scratch. This happened like clockwork every few months. He'd be 6-8 weeks from the move date, and a family member would need money…usually his mother because she refuses to get a job but that's a whole other situation unto itself.

 

I think this has more to do with jealousy and trust issues.

 

Nope, I trust him. After she sees how much of a slob he is and smells his raging b.o. after he comes from the gym, she won't want to try anything. I just wish he were more considerate of our relationship, my feelings, and opinions.