alone here with a broken mashed heart!

[disconcertainly]

Me and my b/f of 2 years just broke up about 3 days ago. Yesterday I went to his house collect the rest of my things

 

and things and of course I cried....and then he cried. I am hurting so bad on the inside. Anf the only thing he said to

 

me was he was sorry...he stilled loved me and always will...but he just needed some alone time. I suppose I was

 

just not a good enough girl for him. Oh well. I am just afriad that b/c he is 20yrs old and had just giving me a

 

promise ring that now he is freaking out. I am having a hard time getting out of bed in the morinings, I can eat, and

 

when I do sleep it b/c I cry myself to sleep...and I will wake up in the middle of the night and cry some more. I just

 

dont understand. I love him so much and he said he loves me. I almost feel as if his parents could have planted a

 

seed in his" your too young for a relationship like this you have your whole life in front of you" And well i think the

 

seed grew. Any words of advice would be great. It just sucks that a 2 yr relationship has gone down the toliet like

 

that. I reall hope my pain gets easier. Just one more thing....it was choice not to be with me so then why is he upset

 

as well and telling me he still loves me and wants to be with me but cant?

 

REALLY CONFUSED.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I really feel for you, disconcertainly. This is an awful thing to happen - "I still love you, you're so wonderful, but I don't want to be with you right now". My girl broke up with me in this way just over 3 weeks ago and I'm only just eating and sleeping properly again.

 

Some thoughts and observations from my own experience (and previous experiences from both sides of the dumper/dumpee fence):

 

He may just be upset because the end of any relationship is sad. Especially since you're hurting someone you love. But I suspect he is not 100% sure in his decision - maybe he just panicked after the ring thing.

 

Here's what I suggest. Initiate a period of No Contact (see the "lost guide to no contact V4" thread). If he contacts you, be polite and friendly, but try in general to make yourself unavailable for something like 4 weeks. Do not take the initiative to contact him. This gives him time to live with the consequences of his decision. I think more likely than not he will start to reconsider, although of course there is no guarantee of this.

 

Try - and I know how hard this is - to spend the time bonding with friends, pulling yourself together, exercising, giving yourself a bit of a makeover. Basically, anything which helps you get on with your own life, but also increases your attractiveness. "Independent, strong and getting on with your life" beats "clingy and sad" any day. If he rings, try to be as cheerful, upbeat and "can do" as you can honestly muster. Don't cry, beg or pressure him.

 

At the end of the 4 weeks, see how things stand between you.

 

I hope these thoughts help.

[disconcertainly]

Romeo-

What happened with you and your girl? Did the no contact rule work? We are going to have dinner on the 4th of Feb.....and we have promised each other that we are not going to sleep with anyone for at least 6 months. I just pray that everything works out. I know that whatever will be will be. I just wish that he would be a big boy and do what he wants to do not what mom and dad say.....i think thats alot of the prob..but maybe not...I just really think they have planted seeds in his head. I am 22 and he is 20 so they assume that i want marriage soon and all that....but i dont...oh i just dont want to hurt.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Well, the NC thing was working until I sabotaged it

 

After a few days, my will broke and I rang... she was home alone (unusual for an extravert girl who has plenty of friends) thinking about how she missed me. I soooo should have not rung, because I was in a needy mood and she was starting to think about how to see me and she would have thought it her idea. Anyhow, it got all intense, I bounced her into meeting me the next day... she was keen but then panicked the next morning. I pressured her and we had a terrible row - worse than anything when we were dating. I came across as needy, pressuring and a bit scary rather than my usual strong, confident and gentle self. The rest is history... I'm now back on the NC thing having learned my lesson.

 

My friends all think she'll be back soon - she really was into me - but I can't help but wondering if I've really blown it.

 

Great news about you and your guy. But please learn from my mistakes. Keep it light and fun, DON'T discuss the relationship or get into an argument - the first time you're there to remind him how great you are to spend time with, not to get back together.

 

In fact, definitely don't try to get back together the first time - you want him to make a decision over a couple of days, not a one-night "impulse purchase" that he regrets the next morning. For the same reason I would advise no sex, even no kissing that evening. Don't be nasty, just say it doesn't feel appropriate.

 

The trick is for him to go home on Feb 4 thinking "D***, what a wonderful girl. I made a HUGE mistake in breaking up. How do I go about getting her back?"

[disconcertainly]

Thanks romeo for talking with me on here. Today I have not cried yet so maybe I am accepting what is going to be? I just reallu dont know. How old are you and how old was your relationship with your girlfriend? How long did you it has been since you guys broke it off?

 

I am just kinda numb I have cried so much until I dont think its possible for me to cry anymore.

 

Plus its really hard for me to have no contact but thats what I am doing b/c thats what he wants.

 

Man love sucks sometimes!

[ReluctantRomeo]

It's my pleasure! It helps me to talk about it and I like the idea that my painful experience could serve to help someone else avoid the landmines. If I could have this again, I would play no contact (at least on my initiative) from the start. I think things might have worked out very differently... and whatever, less contact would have given me more dignity.

 

Good that you've not cried today, but I suspect from my experience that this is just because you're numb today. I find that black clouds creep up on me unexpectedly, hang around for an hour or two, then go away for a day or so.

 

She broke up with me - I'd even say dumped me - on new year's eve. She rang me in the afternoon to say "don't come to the party this evening"

 

We're in our early 30s and had only been going out since the summer... but we'd already talked about marriage, kids etc (at HER initiative). I've dated a fair amount in the past, but this one was really starting to seem like The One. You know what I mean?

 

And the break-up was so unexpected. Out of the blue. I didn't see it coming, nor did any of my male or female friends. Or her friends. At my Christmas party, she was all over me and everyone commented how keen she was. When I came back from my parent's house after the Christmas weekend (and just 4 days before the breakup), she was already waiting in my house and couldn't contain her passion (sorry to be so blunt - I hope this isn't too much detail). I hardly had time to catch my breath.

 

I still don't understand what the problem is. There isn't another guy. Before the NC thing, she was crying on the phone and saying she missed me. But she won't see me.

 

You're right. Sometimes love sucks. I guess I'm trying to take this on the chin and get on with my life. The best way for me to recover and the best chance for getting her back.