I am emotionally dead and I don't see it going away

[Eternal Sunshine]

For the last few years (well 2 years) I have been feeling emotionally numb.

 

I am yet to be excited about a guy. Few times I tried to tell friends that I am excited but I was really faking it. This state is possibly even worse than being heart broken.

 

Even rejections don't phase me, it's like I couldn't care less. Every date I have been on, no matter how hot the guy was, no matter how accomplished the guy was, left me feeling....like going through the motions.

 

I see all the reasons why it won't work out and my awarness is making it impossible to go back to that state of wonder and hope.

 

I don't even feel attraction...except for wanting sex occasionally and then just wanting them to go away.

 

I really don't want to date at all...but taking a break is going to possibly make things worse. I once took a dating break and it lasted 4 years. I just don't need dating or relationships like other people do. At least I used to have crushes in the past. No more of that.

 

I don't feel bitter or scared. I just feel like I...am not into anyone and I never will be.

 

Sigh...I am not sure what advice I am looking for.

[AntiSocal]

Idk. Not exactly qualified to be giving advice in this area.

 

But they say reality is really perception. So maybe its as simple as just changing your mindset. Easier said than done. But idk positive affirmations?

 

Try to keep dating and thinking positive. Maybe you'll run into a guy that does really excite you.

 

Or maybe you're DOOMED to be alone. Lol. Not really all that bad at the end of the day. If you don't want something why should you force yourself to have it? Same thing as force feeding yourself chocolate ice cream. You know what you want. If you're happy without a man just continue to be happy.

[TAV]

Have your feelings been crushed in the past? Is this numbness a coping mechanism to avoid it getting crushed again?

[mummyjonno]

Sounds like you just needed a rant to me and that's perfectly fine I've done it many times.

 

It you don't want a relationship don't date it's as simple as that.

 

Find someone on your wave length and let's face it there are many men around looking for sex so you won't struggle.

 

 

If you feel you are happy alone, be alone. There is no harm in it and hopefully someday someone comes along slaps you upside the head and you'll say hey... I want a relationship with you.

 

You are fine as you are

[Copelandsanity]

Hey Eternal, I feel the exact same way and have been wanting to start a post about it for some time. I just started Year 2 of the "dating break."

 

I think it may be - as TAV put it - a coping mechanism to avoid getting crushed again. I genuinely believe that if I invested myself into someone again and it resulted in anything resembling the first time, I would not be able to survive it. I would not want to live any further, and I would consider closing the chapter on life altogether. I guess you can also call it a self-preservation mechanism.

 

Something that I've considered is saving up the money to do a surrogacy and becoming a single dad. It is expensive, it would have to done out-of-state due to the laws of my own, and my mom would be appalled, but if relationships or marriage isn't meant for me, then it isn't. I'm not entitled to it. But I have so much love and sacrifice to give, and perhaps it wasn't meant for a life partner or the traditional family unit.

[carhill]

Sigh...I am not sure what advice I am looking for.

 

It's OK and you're not alone.

[Keenly]

My advice is stop dating entirely for about a year. Maybe two.

 

No dates. No pursuits. No OLD. Do something else. Live your life.

 

 

Eventually you'll see a man, whether or not you actually meet him or talk to him, who you find really attractive and reminds you that yes, you can actually still feel.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My advice is stop dating entirely for about a year. Maybe two.

 

No dates. No pursuits. No OLD. Do something else. Live your life.

 

 

Eventually you'll see a man, whether or not you actually meet him or talk to him, who you find really attractive and reminds you that yes, you can actually still feel.

 

This sounds very appealing. I often think I am dating for others.

 

The first thing any friend asks me is "have you been on any dates?" or "any new men in your life?". Ditto for mum and other relatives. If I say no, they start asking if I am depressed. The truth is, dating is making me far more depressed than not dating.

 

I guess I need to stop giving a f-k what other people think.

[Keenly]

That's what happened to me at least.

 

I stopped giving a damn for a good six months. I couldn't seem to feel anymore.

 

Well then I notice this gorgeous 35 year old at my office. She's married, just as tall as I am (making her taller in her daily heels ) pale skin, more freckles than even I have ( which is saying something since I'm covered in them ) and gorgeous red hair.

 

I see that woman and I think god DAMN I'm going to marry a woman like that one day. Whenever I start to feel down I just think " dude , you're going to meet a woman like that one day "

 

 

Now I feel again. Last night actually, I got the same warm and fuzzy feeling I usually get while coming home from a new girlfriends house, but I was actually just coming home from a taco bell run.

 

It feel great

[Eternal Sunshine]

Have your feelings been crushed in the past? Is this numbness a coping mechanism to avoid it getting crushed again?

 

Not sure that that's it. I have been crushed when I was very young, 10 or so years ago. My last LTR ended 2 years ago and I didn't feel much, mostly relief. I felt like a burden has been lifted. I never missed him as bad as that sounds. So I doubt it's the fear of getting hurt.

 

It's just a stark contrast of how I was. I was always very emotional, investing early, obsessing over if some guy called, being in knots of anxiety...It never was about any guy in particular, just how I approached dating.

 

I have done 180 now and I approach dating like brushing teeth.

[LEEVIT2F8]

I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way just a few months ago. And then POW out of the blue this girl walked into my life and changed everything. It felt like I had woken up from a long sleep.

 

The really interesting thing is I had completely given up hope until I "met" her. Even more interesting is the fact I had known her for 2 years prior and never even approached her for a date.

 

I still see all the reasons it won't work. But the big difference is now I want to make it work. And the fact I once again see the beauty in relationships and feel the love that was missing in my life. Its like I am remembering more and more each day the man I used to be... the man that was much happier then I have been the past 5 years.

 

The world works in mysterious ways. I've decided to give up on planning and controlling everything. I am having more fun enjoying the ride and experiencing life again through new eyes.

 

Maybe your just not at that point yet? Your not quite ready? But I can tell you this, if my cold heart can be warmed yours surely can as well. Hundreds of girls over 5 years and never even a touch of a feeling.

 

When you least expect it, you never know, lighting could strike. Best of luck to you.

[TAV]

And the fact I once again see the beauty in relationships and feel the love that was missing in my life. Its like I am remembering more and more each day the man I used to be... the man that was much happier then I have been the past 5 years.

 

The world works in mysterious ways. I've decided to give up on planning and controlling everything. I am having more fun enjoying the ride and experiencing life again through new eyes.

 

Maybe your just not at that point yet? Your not quite ready? But I can tell you this, if my cold heart can be warmed yours surely can as well. Hundreds of girls over 5 years and never even a touch of a feeling.

 

When you least expect it, you never know, lighting could strike. Best of luck to you.

 

Yes, I recognize what you are saying. Despite being married at the time I experienced the same numbness for the last 7 years of the marriage, due to all sorts of negative things happening which caused me to lose the love for my husband but staying in the marriage to look after my small children in what I thought at the time was the best surroundings for them. I lost myself a bit in those years. Became a machine and, worse of all, hard and unfeeling. I had always been called too sensitive by my family; very emotional and very emphatic and I became this cynical, unfeeling woman just as a coping mechanism to avoid getting hurt more or allowing my husband to hurt me again. I had a very bad accident at one point and that made me realise that life was too short to live this way and I started making changes in my personal and professional life and I'm in love again with another man who allows me to be warm, sensitive, gentle and sweet without having any repercussions. Or maybe I allow myself again. I'm sure it will happen to the OP at one point too. You can't keep a good girl down for too long.

[CrystalCastles]

Maybe you just haven't met someone that knocks your socks off?

[Grumpybutfun]

Hi ES, Are you emotionally dead, or emotionally redirected? As you probably know, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Honestly, from reading your posts over time here, I feel you aren't lonely so much as stuck in a place where you aren't getting your expectations met. The positive thing is that you don't feel entitled to a relationship like others seem to think you need, and sometimes they don't understand that we all find our own internal structure in different ways. This may be as simple as ES finding out that her external and internal needs are different than what she believed and acting accordingly. The first step is to let go of all the external validations you think you need to pursue and to embrace yourself for who you are in THIS moment and incarnation of yourself.

I don't know you, but from reading your posts, you are really an articulate, witty and perceptive person who has much to give to others. If you aren't finding what you need, or even wanting what you find, it is because you aren't aligning your true personal expectations with what you think your expectations in life should be according to others. Being alone is sometimes peoples preferred course in life and that is perfectly healthy and okay as long as they aren't doing it from a place of fear or pain.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited March 14, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[Teraskas]

I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way just a few months ago. And then POW out of the blue this girl walked into my life and changed everything. It felt like I had woken up from a long sleep.

 

The really interesting thing is I had completely given up hope until I "met" her. Even more interesting is the fact I had known her for 2 years prior and never even approached her for a date.

 

I still see all the reasons it won't work. But the big difference is now I want to make it work. And the fact I once again see the beauty in relationships and feel the love that was missing in my life. Its like I am remembering more and more each day the man I used to be... the man that was much happier then I have been the past 5 years.

 

The world works in mysterious ways. I've decided to give up on planning and controlling everything. I am having more fun enjoying the ride and experiencing life again through new eyes.

 

Maybe your just not at that point yet? Your not quite ready? But I can tell you this, if my cold heart can be warmed yours surely can as well. Hundreds of girls over 5 years and never even a touch of a feeling.

 

When you least expect it, you never know, lighting could strike. Best of luck to you.

 

I feel the same way. :/

The last 2 year atm feel like it's all been a bad dream.

Countless adversity which I never thought would happen so relatively close to one another.

Cancer, countless rejection, wome who want no commitment (only 'having fun'), women telling me there's 'no spark' causing me to kinda feel lifeless, losing my grandparents from my father's side in a car crash, etc.

 

Personally, I've given up on finding someone since last December.

The truth is, I'm ready. In fact I'm MORE than ready, given how I've worked on myself in those 2 years.

I WANT to be able to rise again, yet am never given the opportunity.

[whirl3daway]

but I was actually just coming home from a taco bell run.

 

that was just your tummy preparing for the crunchwrap

[Ruby Slippers]

If you take men and dating out of the equation, how are you feeling about yourself and your life in general?

[Leegh]

There is a Greek word, Anhedonia, which means "lack of joy". There are many, many articles about it on-line.

[Tiger Lily]

Do you think there's any superficiality in the dating world that's turning you off? Dating can feel a little forced, and put a lot of pressure on someone, right off the bat.

 

 

Maybe take a break from "dating", and put your energies into activities you enjoy. If you meet a like-minded person that way, and allow feelings to grow over time, you might find the foundation to a solid relationship.

[BC1980]

When I was 25, I felt like this. I had been in 3 relationships that were pretty much back to back, and I fell hard with each one. I just decided I didn't give f@ck about dating anymore, and I was really happy for 4 years. Then, I was introduced to my current ex, and we were together for 3 years. That's another story, but I'm saying that you don't always have to be looking for a relationship. Just live your life, and someone awesome might walk into it one day.

[melell]

I know very little about psychology, but I do feel the same or at least similar.

 

The best way I could describe it is as though I have grown to be dispassionate, or there is just a general sense of apathy.

 

I really don't think it is something that would miraculously be solved by taking a break from dating. Personally, I just think that feeling is solely from awareness of the reality of it all.

 

Perspective sure, I mean we could change how we think, cling on to some mysterious, romanticized ideal- and pursue it. F*** the truth of it.

...but it is hard to maintain ignorance of the truth if you are actively doing so.

In relationships I have always had to make a conscious choice to stay interested, or fantasize the situation to make it seem like something it isn't. It isn't enjoyable. It doesn't matter how in love I am, or how wonderful they are, it just reminds me of things I don't like about people in general. I just don't think relationships are what I need.

 

Sometimes I find it saddening even spending time with friends and family because there is pressure, and I get made to feel like there is something wrong with me for not engaging in those norms-I would feel less alienated if I stayed away from people, and it is a pretty depressing paradox.

 

 

Just really apathetic about it all.

 

Sorry for the self-focused post!

[Eternal Sunshine]

If you take men and dating out of the equation, how are you feeling about yourself and your life in general?

 

If I take dating and men out of the equation, I love my life. In some ways that scares me because what will I become then? A hermit? A social outcast?

 

In many ways, I always pursued relationships because it's the society norm and what my friends and family expected of me. To some degree it always felt forced and made me way unhappier than when I was single.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I know very little about psychology, but I do feel the same or at least similar.

 

The best way I could describe it is as though I have grown to be dispassionate, or there is just a general sense of apathy.

 

I really don't think it is something that would miraculously be solved by taking a break from dating. Personally, I just think that feeling is solely from awareness of the reality of it all.

 

Perspective sure, I mean we could change how we think, cling on to some mysterious, romanticized ideal- and pursue it. F*** the truth of it.

...but it is hard to maintain ignorance of the truth if you are actively doing so.

In relationships I have always had to make a conscious choice to stay interested, or fantasize the situation to make it seem like something it isn't. It isn't enjoyable. It doesn't matter how in love I am, or how wonderful they are, it just reminds me of things I don't like about people in general. I just don't think relationships are what I need.

 

Sometimes I find it saddening even spending time with friends and family because there is pressure, and I get made to feel like there is something wrong with me for not engaging in those norms-I would feel less alienated if I stayed away from people, and it is a pretty depressing paradox.

 

 

Just really apathetic about it all.

 

Sorry for the self-focused post!

 

Yep, that's pretty much how I feel. I can relate to a lot of your posts in general.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hi ES, Are you emotionally dead, or emotionally redirected? As you probably know, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Honestly, from reading your posts over time here, I feel you aren't lonely so much as stuck in a place where you aren't getting your expectations met. The positive thing is that you don't feel entitled to a relationship like others seem to think you need, and sometimes they don't understand that we all find our own internal structure in different ways. This may be as simple as ES finding out that her external and internal needs are different than what she believed and acting accordingly. The first step is to let go of all the external validations you think you need to pursue and to embrace yourself for who you are in THIS moment and incarnation of yourself.

I don't know you, but from reading your posts, you are really an articulate, witty and perceptive person who has much to give to others. If you aren't finding what you need, or even wanting what you find, it is because you aren't aligning your true personal expectations with what you think your expectations in life should be according to others. Being alone is sometimes peoples preferred course in life and that is perfectly healthy and okay as long as they aren't doing it from a place of fear or pain.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

Grumps, thanks for this post. I very much appreciate your kind words

[KathyM]

I think you should find something you are really passionate about. A hobby or interest that really excites or fulfills you, and then look for ways to engage in that activity, and you may meet a man who shares that interest, and that will excite you. Some of the happiest couples I know fell in love because of a shared interest that they had which they really enjoyed. For some, it was sailing, or dancing, or traveling, or music, or some sport which they both loved. Find your passion in life, and you will find your Mr. Right. Then it won't be all about the pretty shell, or the mismatched interests, or the guys who have no passion in life themselves.