I am emotionally dead and I don't see it going away

[Weezy1973]

OP, I think you should definitely take a break from dating. I took a three year break (although dated someone for about a month in there). You really want to explore your values in that time. What is it you're looking for in a relationship?

 

From your posts, it seems like at the moment you don't really know what you're looking for. Something "rest of your life"? Something short and casual? Lots of your posts focus on your attraction to guys that are 'hot' and 'edgy' - which would suggest you're more into short, casual flings. But then you also express your admiration for compassion and empathy etc.

 

You seem a bit 'all over the place' - which would definitely make dating a tiring endeavour. If you don't know what you're looking for, it's pretty difficult to work towards it.

 

Figure out your own values, what you're looking for in a relationship, and the rest should come fairly easy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP, I think you should definitely take a break from dating. I took a three year break (although dated someone for about a month in there). You really want to explore your values in that time. What is it you're looking for in a relationship?

 

From your posts, it seems like at the moment you don't really know what you're looking for. Something "rest of your life"? Something short and casual? Lots of your posts focus on your attraction to guys that are 'hot' and 'edgy' - which would suggest you're more into short, casual flings. But then you also express your admiration for compassion and empathy etc.

 

You seem a bit 'all over the place' - which would definitely make dating a tiring endeavour. If you don't know what you're looking for, it's pretty difficult to work towards it.

 

Figure out your own values, what you're looking for in a relationship, and the rest should come fairly easy.

 

 

It's not that I don't know what I am looking for. I know and I know very well. I haven't been able to find it which suggests that what I am looking for is not realistic for whatever reason. So to get into a relationship, I would have to give up on some of what I need and want. Yet, when I do that I am miserable.

 

None of the options I have and have had for years were/are appealing to me.

[Weezy1973]

It's not that I don't know what I am looking for. I know and I know very well. I haven't been able to find it which suggests that what I am looking for is not realistic for whatever reason. So to get into a relationship, I would have to give up on some of what I need and want. Yet, when I do that I am miserable.

 

None of the options I have and have had for years were/are appealing to me.

 

So what is it that you're looking for in a relationship?

[topaMAXX]

Hey Eternal, I feel the exact same way and have been wanting to start a post about it for some time. I just started Year 2 of the "dating break."

 

I think it may be - as TAV put it - a coping mechanism to avoid getting crushed again. I genuinely believe that if I invested myself into someone again and it resulted in anything resembling the first time, I would not be able to survive it. I would not want to live any further, and I would consider closing the chapter on life altogether. I guess you can also call it a self-preservation mechanism.

Something that I've considered is saving up the money to do a surrogacy and becoming a single dad. It is expensive, it would have to done out-of-state due to the laws of my own, and my mom would be appalled, but if relationships or marriage isn't meant for me, then it isn't. I'm not entitled to it. But I have so much love and sacrifice to give, and perhaps it wasn't meant for a life partner or the traditional family unit.

 

Hmmm....very interesting. Is that even possible to do as a single straight guy?

[topaMAXX]

It's not that I don't know what I am looking for. I know and I know very well. I haven't been able to find it which suggests that what I am looking for is not realistic for whatever reason. So to get into a relationship, I would have to give up on some of what I need and want. Yet, when I do that I am miserable.

 

None of the options I have and have had for years were/are appealing to me.

 

Can't have everything.

 

It sounds like you're looking for a unicorn. Either "settle" (which is probably not actually settling for most people lol) or stay alone and.

 

Not sure what answer you're looking for here.

[Haydn]

You have way of `Summing up` in an encompassing way M. Speaks volumes about many of us here.

 

I know very little about psychology, but I do feel the same or at least similar.

 

The best way I could describe it is as though I have grown to be dispassionate, or there is just a general sense of apathy.

 

I really don't think it is something that would miraculously be solved by taking a break from dating. Personally, I just think that feeling is solely from awareness of the reality of it all.

 

Perspective sure, I mean we could change how we think, cling on to some mysterious, romanticized ideal- and pursue it. F*** the truth of it.

...but it is hard to maintain ignorance of the truth if you are actively doing so.

In relationships I have always had to make a conscious choice to stay interested, or fantasize the situation to make it seem like something it isn't. It isn't enjoyable. It doesn't matter how in love I am, or how wonderful they are, it just reminds me of things I don't like about people in general. I just don't think relationships are what I need.

 

Sometimes I find it saddening even spending time with friends and family because there is pressure, and I get made to feel like there is something wrong with me for not engaging in those norms-I would feel less alienated if I stayed away from people, and it is a pretty depressing paradox.

 

 

Just really apathetic about it all.

 

Sorry for the self-focused post!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am looking to vent

[xxoo]

If I take dating and men out of the equation, I love my life. In some ways that scares me because what will I become then? A hermit? A social outcast?

 

In many ways, I always pursued relationships because it's the society norm and what my friends and family expected of me. To some degree it always felt forced and made me way unhappier than when I was single.

 

Being single doesn't make one a hermit. You can be, and probably are, very involved with people, work, and community while not being in a romantic relationship.

 

Maybe what you just need to give yourself permission to be happy the way you are. Give yourself permission to be single if that is what makes you happy. It's your life. Your friends and family all have the opportunity and responsibility to live their own lives. Yours is yours alone.

[Copelandsanity]

Hmmm....very interesting. Is that even possible to do as a single straight guy?

 

Yes, there are agencies that work with you to make it happen, but it's expensive.

 

I've put in deliberate thought about it and will consider it as an option down the line - I'm currently early 30s - if I don't find a partner. I have no debt, substantial savings, and a place of my own. My mom, cousin - who is a confirmed bachelor for life - and my sister and her husband live close by to me. I spoke with my mom a couple of night ago, and she was actually supportive and would be willing to help with care. She has the health and energy of someone in her 40s. I am also sure that my sister and husband would gladly take my child in if something were to happen to me. I work at home, 35 hours/week, and half those hours are downtime. Where I live, I am only a few blocks away from drugstores, supermarkets, hospital, doctors, public schools, after-school activities. It would obviously still be hard - it's hard enough for 2 parents to raise a child - but I feel like I have a good situation and support system to genuinely make it work. Most importantly, I love kids and I have a lot of love and self-sacrifice to give. Relationships...marriage...it just seems like too much of a crapshoot and a low-odds/risky endeavor to take, not to mention how difficult it is to find a partner in the 1st place.

[Haydn]

What????..................

 

 

Yes, there are agencies that work with you to make it happen, but it's expensive.

 

I've put in deliberate thought about it and will consider it as an option down the line - I'm currently early 30s - if I don't find a partner. I have no debt, substantial savings, and a place of my own. My mom, cousin - who is a confirmed bachelor for life - and my sister and her husband live close by to me. I spoke with my mom a couple of night ago, and she was actually supportive and would be willing to help with care. She has the health and energy of someone in her 40s. I am also sure that my sister and husband would gladly take my child in if something were to happen to me. I work at home, 35 hours/week, and half those hours are downtime. Where I live, I am only a few blocks away from drugstores, supermarkets, hospital, doctors, public schools, after-school activities. It would obviously still be hard - it's hard enough for 2 parents to raise a child - but I feel like I have a good situation and support system to genuinely make it work. Most importantly, I love kids and I have a lot of love and self-sacrifice to give. Relationships...marriage...it just seems like too much of a crapshoot and a low-odds/risky endeavor to take, not to mention how difficult it is to find a partner in the 1st place.

[Copelandsanity]

What????..................

 

I apologize; I went off on a tangent. Ok, let's go back to being emotionally dead

[Haydn]

Missed it! Was so concerned!!!!!!!

 

I apologize; I went off on a tangent. Ok, let's go back to being emotionally dead

[carhill]

If I take dating and men out of the equation, I love my life. In some ways that scares me because what will I become then? A hermit? A social outcast?

 

In many ways, I always pursued relationships because it's the society norm and what my friends and family expected of me. To some degree it always felt forced and made me way unhappier than when I was single.

So, apparently, you're not really 'emotionally dead', rather merely emotionally ambivalent about romantic relationships. IMO, far different scenario.

 

What I've observed, being on LS for a number of years, is that we'll read a posting like this, or 'I'm done with dating' and then, a few days or a week later I'll read a posting about 'this incredible guy I met' or 'my new boyfriend' or 'I'm going out on a date!', which flies in the face about being either emotionally dead or ambivalent about dating and relationships. Apparently, whatever you feel when in this dynamic with men is your 'crack'. It's hard to give up, even if/when you say you're going 'cold turkey'.

 

If you didn't date or contemplate dating a man for the next year, what's the first fear which comes to mind? Examine that.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Being single doesn't make one a hermit. You can be, and probably are, very involved with people, work, and community while not being in a romantic relationship.

 

Maybe what you just need to give yourself permission to be happy the way you are. Give yourself permission to be single if that is what makes you happy. It's your life. Your friends and family all have the opportunity and responsibility to live their own lives. Yours is yours alone.

 

Yes - I am not really a hermit. I am lucky to have a good group of friends and close family. I want to be single and stop trying to meet men in unnatural ways (OLD for example). If I were to meet someone, I want it to develop organically, without me having to force and orchestrate it. Heh I guess I have my answer.

[Imajerk17]

I don't think it's that bad of a thing actually.

 

The divorce rate is what, 50%? Usually children are part of the fallout. I'm not sure if this means the problem is that there are too many divorces so much as it means that there were too many marriages in the first place.

 

Besides, you really can change your mind about men and dating at any time. The more you love your life the more attractive you will become to be ready for when the right guy enters your life or when you feel you want to date again.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't think it's that bad of a thing actually.

 

The divorce rate is what, 50%? Usually children are part of the fallout. I'm not sure if this means the problem is that there are too many divorces so much as it means that there were too many marriages in the first place.

 

Besides, you really can change your mind about men and dating at any time. The more you love your life the more attractive you will become to be ready for when the right guy enters your life or when you feel you want to date again.

 

Thanks jerk. I am surprised you are not meaner to me

[Imported]

Holy **** on a stick, you're in Paris and you're posting on a message board about problems.

 

Go out and have fun instead.

 

But not too much fun.

[Ruby Slippers]

If I take dating and men out of the equation, I love my life. In some ways that scares me because what will I become then? A hermit? A social outcast?

Are you a hermit? A social outcast? I gather from answers above that you're not - seems you're more worried about being perceived that way as a single woman.

 

In many ways, I always pursued relationships because it's the society norm and what my friends and family expected of me. To some degree it always felt forced and made me way unhappier than when I was single.

Follow your bliss (as Joseph Campbell says). That always takes you to good places.

 

The more I'm true to myself and pursuing my passions as an individual, expressing what's in my soul in ways that feel divine to me, the more people I attract who are on a similar wavelength, people who help me stay in my zone of genius and keep getting more focused. One of my favorite ways to do this is through music. Lately I've gotten back to a long-lost love - singing, playing guitar, and doing warm-up music writing projects with people, and this is magnetizing all kinds of interesting, smart, creative people into my life.

 

What do you LOVE to do?

 

When I fall in love with my own life, I start to fall in love with new friends and get crushes, too. It always starts within.

Edited March 15, 2014 by Ruby Slippers

[Tayken]

For the last few years (well 2 years) I have been feeling emotionally numb.

 

I am yet to be excited about a guy. Few times I tried to tell friends that I am excited but I was really faking it. This state is possibly even worse than being heart broken.

 

Even rejections don't phase me, it's like I couldn't care less. Every date I have been on, no matter how hot the guy was, no matter how accomplished the guy was, left me feeling....like going through the motions.

 

I see all the reasons why it won't work out and my awarness is making it impossible to go back to that state of wonder and hope.

 

I don't even feel attraction...except for wanting sex occasionally and then just wanting them to go away.

 

I really don't want to date at all...but taking a break is going to possibly make things worse. I once took a dating break and it lasted 4 years. I just don't need dating or relationships like other people do. At least I used to have crushes in the past. No more of that.

 

I don't feel bitter or scared. I just feel like I...am not into anyone and I never will be.

 

Sigh...I am not sure what advice I am looking for.

 

 

Hmmm...Ironically, you live in the city of LOVE..or is that Paris USA, Canada or elsewhere? Didn't you say in one recent post that you were dating a fellow professor where you currently work, what happened there?

 

In all honesty though, I hear what you are saying and am currently going through that right now. I date, get to 3rd base and after that have no desire to pursue anything further. The explanation for this is what you described in your follow on posts....

 

I like my time alone, and like the time with the dates.....I am not really to change that dynamics.

[suladas]

Yes - I am not really a hermit. I am lucky to have a good group of friends and close family. I want to be single and stop trying to meet men in unnatural ways (OLD for example). If I were to meet someone, I want it to develop organically, without me having to force and orchestrate it. Heh I guess I have my answer.

 

As long as you're happy with it ES

 

OLD is just bleh, trying to force things. Meeting someone out of nowhere and things building is always going to be so much better. And as said, if you're happy single and enjoying yourself it is a really attractive feature, plus well being happy ain't bad either!

[Leigh 87]

I took a 4 year break from dating. From age 20 to 24.

 

I was no worse off. I didn't have any inclination to date. I didn't long for a partner.

 

If I were to be single again I wouldn't crave a relationship and I wouldn't want to date all that often. A date every month or so for fun and if they are hot, maybe it'd be fun to kiss someone.

 

 

 

 

You sound like me and a lot of others really. I don't crave a relationship unless I meet a guy who really knocks my socks off.

[Tayken]

I took a 4 year break from dating. From age 20 to 24.

 

I was no worse off. I didn't have any inclination to date. I didn't long for a partner.

 

If I were to be single again I wouldn't crave a relationship and I wouldn't want to date all that often. A date every month or so for fun and if they are hot, maybe it'd be fun to kiss someone.

 

 

 

 

You sound like me and a lot of others really. I don't crave a relationship unless I meet a guy who really knocks my socks off.

 

 

Are you sure you meant "socks" here?

 

At age 20...you should have been busy with school...what were you doing dating anyway?

[Leigh 87]

Are you sure you meant "socks" here?

 

At age 20...you should have been busy with school...what were you doing dating anyway?

 

 

 

I didn't date.

 

 

I took a break from age 20 to 24.

 

 

And my ex sure didn't knock my socks off. He sure was a slob with plenty of smelly socks though:sick:

 

But I spend more than half my 20s dateless and single. By choice.

 

 

 

 

I think that Eternal is just fine. Nothing inherently wrong with not longing for a partner. Or even a date.

[Leigh 87]

Eternal Sunshine....

 

 

I simply started to date when it became something that I was interested it.

 

I had dated before. I was just totally uninterested for a few years.

 

Then one day I felt like dating a guy a met.

 

There was no epiphany whereby I "knowingly came out of my dating drought"

 

 

 

 

You will be fine. The right guy will come along and you will be glad you didn't waste your time dating when you simply didn't feel like it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Eternal Sunshine....

 

 

I simply started to date when it became something that I was interested it.

 

I had dated before. I was just totally uninterested for a few years.

 

Then one day I felt like dating a guy a met.

 

There was no epiphany whereby I "knowingly came out of my dating drought"

 

 

 

 

You will be fine. The right guy will come along and you will be glad you didn't waste your time dating when you simply didn't feel like it.

 

My interest in dating comes and goes. Right now I am just not interested. I would rather do pretty much anything else.