Husband Says He Won't Tell Me Anything About The Affair???

[harleygirl92156]

My husband just went through treatment for alcohol addiction and last night in a "session" admitted to me that he cheated on me. When I ask a question, any question, after this was dropped in my lap, I was shut down by the counselors and told I had no right to know anymore about the situation, I only had the right to know he cheated on me, the rest was his personal business.

 

He says he did it because he was drunk and that is all I need to know. They have him convinced he shouldn't discuss it with me and that even if I "badger" him about it he is not to discuss it with me in any way.

 

I believe I have a right to the answers to five questions, who, what, when, why and where. He says I don't. He says I need to forgive him and put it in the past.

 

Now I will forever look at every woman in our small town and wonder if she is the one. I am pissed because he says he can't tell me who because it is his obligation to protect her and not drag a third party into it. I don't think I can put it to rest without having some information, especially the when and why, but they have him convinced he has no obligation to tell me anything more.

 

What and awful thing to do to someone. It went like this. Yes I cheated on you, it was one time and I felt terrible immediately. Then the counselor shut me down when I said "With who" and told me that was his personal business and I had no right to know that. I tried to talk and every time I opened my mouth, the counselors shut me down and I finally walked out. The whole thing lasted about 5 minutes.

 

Am I crazy or do I have the right to a little more information? He was

 

Scared in Iowa

[Devildog]

I would think you have every right to have those basic answers to your questions. Is this a certified, licensed counsellor?

 

If he is the one getting treatment, the counsellor is there for him. If it is alcohol treatment, the counsellor might not have a clue about marriage counselling. But the counsellor should be telling him that although it is his decision what to do, if he wants to save his marriage he needs to seriously consider giving you the answers you need.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by harleygirl92156

I was shut down by the counselors and told I had no right to know anymore about the situation, I only had the right to know he cheated on me, the rest was his personal business.

 

If his counselors are acting in his best interest, they are at no obligation to you. However, I don't see what they hope to accomplish by alienating you this way. It just can't come to any good.

 

He says he did it because he was drunk and that is all I need to know. They have him convinced he shouldn't discuss it with me and that even if I "badger" him about it he is not to discuss it with me in any way.

 

Showing him the door is NOT badgering. Hiring a lawyer is also NOT badgering.

 

I believe I have a right to the answers to five questions, who, what, when, why and where. He says I don't. He says I need to forgive him and put it in the past.

 

You are at ZERO obligation to forgive him. He has changed the parameters of the marital relationship, in effect destroying the contract that he had with you.

 

Now I will forever look at every woman in our small town and wonder if she is the one. I am pissed because he says he can't tell me who because it is his obligation to protect her and not drag a third party into it. I don't think I can put it to rest without having some information, especially the when and why, but they have him convinced he has no obligation to tell me anything more.

 

There is a knee-jerk reaction to initially discovering that your spouse has had sexual contact with someone else. That reaction is to "fix" the relationship. Inevitably, it's not as simple as that, and over the course of time MANY betrayed spouses find that they simply are not motivated to do so.

 

It's so important to step back and give yourself time to take all this in. Again, you are a ZERO obligation here. You don't have to continue on in the marriage.

 

What and awful thing to do to someone. It went like this. Yes I cheated on you, it was one time and I felt terrible immediately. Then the counselor shut me down when I said "With who" and told me that was his personal business and I had no right to know that. I tried to talk and every time I opened my mouth, the counselors shut me down and I finally walked out. The whole thing lasted about 5 minutes.

 

Am I crazy or do I have the right to a little more information?

 

If he wants to remain YOUR husband, then yeah...I'd say you have a right to know every detail.

 

There's a healing process for the betrayed spouse, and having full access and accountability is part of that process. These counselors have set your husband up for failure in reconciliation of the marriage.

 

You need to take care of YOU. Alcoholics tend to want everyone else clean up after them. You do not have to comply with this.

 

And don't forget to get tested for STD's. That's part of taking care of you as well.

[harleygirl92156]

He was tested for STD"S just 15 days ago while in treatment. He was clean on all tests. Do I still need to be tested?

[StillHurtin]

I think you have every right to know. That is part of the healing process. Even though what he tells you maybe the worse hurt in the world, you deserve to know. And that counselor was wrong! You need to seek marriage counseling but DO NOT go to the one he is seeing for his alcohol problems.

 

I know I asked a lot of ? when my H had an A and it was hard to hear the answers but I needed to know.

I hope he comes around soon and you get all the answers you need.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by harleygirl92156

He was tested for STD"S just 15 days ago while in treatment. He was clean on all tests. Do I still need to be tested?

 

I would say yes, in light of the possibility of false negatives, and also that some STD's, like HIV can have very long incubation periods.

 

Give your GYN a call. It would be worth the consult in my opinion.

[Ladyjane14]

I just don't know where his counselors are going with this.

 

If it's part of the Twelve Steps, it's certainly not the part where you make AMENDS to the people that you hurt.

 

The 12 Steps

 

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

 

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

 

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

 

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

 

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

 

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

 

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings

 

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

 

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

 

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

 

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out

 

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

 

What kind of alcohol treatment is he undergoing?

[only1life]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Doesn't help much, but I know what you are feeling. Not nice.

 

"his personal business and I had no right to know" ??? Huh? How do they figure that? His sexual activity is his AND your personal business! And no one else's business!

 

As long as you are married to him, you have every right to know all his activities since the day you married him.

 

Your marriage with him will continue to suffer until there are no secrets. When and if everything is discussed and out in the open, then you can make the decisions you need to make, about the future of your marriage. If that honesty is not achieved, then your future with him can hardly be a happy one, as you are experiencing right now.

 

Honest communication is probably the most important ingredient to a marriage. I know it is to mine.

 

Best wishes.

[Owl]

Are both of you going to counseling for alchohol?

 

The ONLY reason I can see for a counselor to focus on the alchohol and not the issues surrounding this is if that is the only thing they know, and are getting paid to treat. It is clear that they don't understand much/anything about dealing with infidelity.

 

Regardless of what they told you, you both should seek marriage counseling that is SEPERATE from the counseling for alchohol. Drinking likely was a CAUSE of a lot of your marital issues, but fixing the drinking doesn't fix the marriage. I'd also talk with your marriage counselor to help you in finding a counselor to deal with the alchohol...one that can offer treatment compatible with recovery of your marriage at the same time.

 

Realize your husband will likely not agree with this...because he knows that he'll have to address his infidelity in that kind of counseling, and he's already been given a way to "cop out" of responsibilty for his actions. DON'T let him do that to you. Don't settle for less.

 

Individual counseling will likely help you both as well...again, as long as it's compatible with what your marriage counselor is doing as well.

 

Good luck, and I do hope it all works out the best way it can, for all of you.

[Moose]

I think I'd have to go back to that knuckle head councelor and beat the crap out of him/her. Who do they think they are? Regardless of what type of councelor they are, severing any kind of communication is just outrageous!! I'd have to slap that person silly until they have a permanent studder......

[lady]

I found out just before Christmas that H had a 6 mth A. Thank goodness the OW is in another state or I would have lost my mind by now.

I understand you need for wanting answers to your questions. It IS you right to get the answers you want and need. True the answers may hurt more than finding out about him cheating but it is something you need before you can heal.

It took alot of fighting and me getting totally pissed before my H would give me the answers I needed but at least he did tell me.

I can not beleive that a councelor of any kind would give him that advice. He is there to get help for his problems and every aspect of his life revovles around those problems. And like it or not you are a huge part of his life. If he wants to heal himself and then heal you and him he has to be totally honest with you and be man enough to answer the questions you have.

Otherwise you are stuck where your at now until he can be open with you.

You becoming passive and just acting like what he has done is no big deal will do you and him more harm than good.

I hope he realizes what he is doing to the both of you before it is to late to fix.

Good luck

[FolderWife]

Gosh! Get another councellor! I'd DIE if I was left as the outsider in MY relationship!!! She knows who you are, and in my opinion, you have a right to know what YOUR husband did.