Bio mom and my adopted daughter

[Grumpybutfun]

I hope this is in the right place. As most of you know, my wife and I adopted our three children from her older sister who is a drug addict and alcoholic and has a tendency to get in troubled relationships with abusive men. About two weeks ago we started noticing our daughter who is eighteen becoming more erratic and angry, telling lies, and generally pushing boundaries by doing some crazy stuff.

 

Needless to say we were concerned especially after she started telling lies about herself and acting very bizarre. She is in college and has always been an overachiever and yet her grades and her classes are in dire straits due to her in attentiveness. We naturally felt we had to intervene after this all came to our attention. She says her bio mother who abandoned and neglected her at three months old is now contacting her and saying stuff to her like...

 

You chose them over me. You don't love me. You could have always came back to me but didn't. They don't love you,they just felt obligated to have you because I was sick (she has never admitted to her alcoholism or drug issues though she has been in jail for all of those and prostitution) and that she is just trash like her.

 

I am livid and my wife is heartbroken. We got her into counseling, we talked with her extensively, I even came home from my holiday/triathlon early because she needed me.

 

Her bio mom is still trying to see her, call her obsessively, and making her feel guilty. I want her to go NC. My wife wants her to face this and deal with it once and for all. I want to fix it. My wife wants me to do nothing but be supportive. I want to protect my daughter at all costs. I know I am not being logical. I know that I have tunnel vision about how to fix this and protect her. She is an adult but she nor anyone else has the mental acuity to deal with a addict who knows how to manipulate the emotions of others.

 

I am not sure what am asking except maybe some insight....what would you do? Protect and fix it by making sure her bio mom has no access to her or Let her work it out on her own while she emotionally struggles. The other children are very adamant about not seeing their bio mom because they see her for what she is, but My youngest is very sensitive and still open to her lies and manipulation.

 

I feel like I failed her, but not sure if my strong arm approach is the best thing for my daughter. Perspective?

 

Thank you for reading this,

Grumps

Edited March 14, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[mrs rubble]

Hang in there grumpy!

There is not a lot else you can do, except what you already are. Be supportive and caring.

This would've rocked her world. You say she's a smart girl. She probably needs to find out for herself who's telling the truth and she will find that you, your wife and her siblings are right about her birth mother.

Everybody needs to learn about their roots, no matter how bad they are, simply so they can understand who they are.

[anne1707]

Grumps

 

There is no right or wrong for you in this. You have to let your girl find her own way through this. All you can do is do what you have always done. Be there for her. Listen to her when she needs to talk. Be firm yet fair if she gets angry. Laugh with her when she needs to laugh. Hold her if she needs to cry. Just be her dad. The greatest man she has ever known xxx

[Grumpybutfun]

Thank you both for very insightful replies. It goes against everything in my nature, but I do understand what you are saying. Letting her forge her own way and not intervening isn't something I know how to do well, but since my wife said exactly the same thing you both did, maybe I am letting my biological need to fight and protect blind me from letting her fight her own battle. She has to see her bio mom for who she is on her own as us trying to form her thought process on this won't be effective because she may just agree and then try to hide speaking to her in order to please us. She says she is loathe to do anything to disappoint me and her mother is afraid she will act in a way she thinks I want instead of working this all out in therapy and moving through the emotions and abandonment issues. Ugh, this woman comes in after ignoring her for her entire life and wants to emotionally manipulate her due to some jealously she has for her little sister(my wife.) This is emotionally devastating for my little wife.

I am standing down but I've got her six,

Grumps

[anne1707]

She knows you are there for her and that will mean the world to her. As her real parents, you have never let her down and have always shown consistent love and caring. You may well have some difficult months ahead of you as a family but you will find your way through it.

 

Dads and daughters.... I'm still a daddy's girl at my age and always will be

[regine_phalange]

Your daughter is very confused and divided as it seems. This is the age of a young woman trying to figure things out herself. And I guess this is the moment to be a rebel if she sees resistance. While you can't leave her without giving her advice (as you have done already, extensively as it seems), the more you hold on to her, the more you risk driving her away. As you said, she won't know how to please everyone and she will have to conceal things. You also don't want her to see you as someone who wants to control her, but as someone who wants her to be happy and wants to be there for her, would do everything for her, no matter what.

 

Even though at times I wish fro mthe bottom of my heart that I had a dad to "not let me do things", I know that even then, I would do what I wanted to do and wouldn't listen to anyone.

[Grumpybutfun]

Your daughter is very confused and divided as it seems. This is the age of a young woman trying to figure things out herself. And I guess this is the moment to be a rebel if she sees resistance. While you can't leave her without giving her advice (as you have done already, extensively as it seems), the more you hold on to her, the more you risk driving her away. As you said, she won't know how to please everyone and she will have to conceal things. You also don't want her to see you as someone who wants to control her, but as someone who wants her to be happy and wants to be there for her, would do everything for her, no matter what.

 

Even though at times I wish fro mthe bottom of my heart that I had a dad to "not let me do things", I know that even then, I would do what I wanted to do and wouldn't listen to anyone.

 

Ouch, this must be what I needed to hear because it made me feel uncomfortable....the word controlling hit me on the side of the head.

Letting go and acceptance are two spiritual practices I really struggle with as I am their Poppy and feel I must protect and fix. However, I see that I am not doing her any favors by circumnavigating her "learn as you lose" lesson process.

 

She is calling me every few hours.....asking me questions, sometimes the same ones over and over...like why did we adopt them, and did I regret having them, and if we had had biological children would I still have wanted her. I am perplexed since we have always been open they are the blessing my wife and I never knew we needed. But, I am getting from her tone and words she needs to be reassured a million times because her bio mom putting doubts in her head is ten times more harmful than a million of our positive ones are positive.

 

My wife sent her a care package yesterday with old family photos of us, a fishing pole I made by hand for her, and a letter from her mom on how much she loves her older sister, but she can't save her from herself. Her brother and sister flew in to see her this weekend at her university and they are pretty tired of her letting their bio mom manipulate and hurt her. Was not our idea and we did not have anything to do with it but apparently my daughter is starting to understand the scope of her mothers betrayal and abandonment. The eldest two have no issue in presenting their bio mom exactly as she is. There will be fallout, but in my opinion, it is inevitable.

 

Thanks for all the support and advice. All of you have really been helpful.

Grumps

[regine_phalange]

Ouch, this must be what I needed to hear because it made me feel uncomfortable....the word controlling hit me on the side of the head.

Letting go and acceptance are two spiritual practices I really struggle with as I am their Poppy and feel I must protect and fix. However, I see that I am not doing her any favors by circumnavigating her "learn as you lose" lesson process.

 

She is calling me every few hours.....asking me questions, sometimes the same ones over and over...like why did we adopt them, and did I regret having them, and if we had had biological children would I still have wanted her. I am perplexed since we have always been open they are the blessing my wife and I never knew we needed. But, I am getting from her tone and words she needs to be reassured a million times because her bio mom putting doubts in her head is ten times more harmful than a million of our positive ones are positive.

 

My wife sent her a care package yesterday with old family photos of us, a fishing pole I made by hand for her, and a letter from her mom on how much she loves her older sister, but she can't save her from herself. Her brother and sister flew in to see her this weekend at her university and they are pretty tired of her letting their bio mom manipulate and hurt her. Was not our idea and we did not have anything to do with it but apparently my daughter is starting to understand the scope of her mothers betrayal and abandonment. The eldest two have no issue in presenting their bio mom exactly as she is. There will be fallout, but in my opinion, it is inevitable.

 

Thanks for all the support and advice. All of you have really been helpful.

Grumps

 

I think your reaction is not controlling but protective. The thing is, though, she could interpret it as controlling because of lack of experience, or because of young age, or simply because you are her dad.

 

The fact that she calls you and asks you all these questions is a great sign. Means she trusts you. That's great. Tell her you will never be tired of reasurring her, if you haven't already. It's going to be allright

[Silly_Girl]

I was, on the face of it, really close to my mum. Yet I went off at 19 and found my feckless, wayward father and didn't tell my parents until after.

 

They issued ultimatums and couldn't support me and I have never forgiven them for that.

 

As has been said, she *trusts* you, she knows you have her best interests at heart, and she does not want to impair the bond you have.

 

I think you can be extremely honest with her and tell her what you've told the forum... Your instinct is to be protective, you are concerned, it's not how you want things to go down, but you know she needs to do what she needs to do and you will love and support her and be there as much as she needs.

 

And I agree with the poster who said the more you try and obstruct, the more you're pushing her away, and that's the last thing anyone wants.

[Grumpybutfun]

I am not concerned with her liking me as much as her being safe. I know my duty as her father. I also know she loves and likes me and we have a family unit where boundaries and rules were the norm. Structure is good for everyone. This isn't a new concept for her that I will do whatever is in my power to keep her safe. Obstruction is healthy for relationships with children to protect them IMO, and there has always been parameters and boundaries in place that her bio mom had to abide by. It is the cost of abandoning her children and choosing alcohol, drugs and stupid reckless men over them. As a child, it was my job, my duty to impose them and I did and she understood because her mom and I gave legitimate reasons for them. Her bio mom has anew gentler approach now, trying to pretend she has changed when she just got another arrest for drugs a week and a half ago. Controlling her is not something I condone or want to do in any way. I understand there are many ways I can do that as a parent and I certainly want her to be her own person. She is one in a million and I have always encouraged her to dance to the beat of her own drum even if it made no sense to me.

 

However, since her bio mom came by into her life recently as an adult where she is on her own at college, I have made it very clear that I am still here to protect and guard her but she has to make her own decisions as an adult. I see that this is probably a necessity since she needs to work things out on her own without me trying to fix it and to eliminate any threat. I am letting go of old structures which were fine for children but not for young adults. I learned a lot from the first two leaving the nest and making some decisions I questioned, and helped rectify when asked to. Maybe it is because she is the youngest, maybe it is because this woman doesn't deserve her, but it makes me crazy not to eliminate what I see as a real threat.

 

Funny story....My son actually sat down with me with he was in third grade one day and said, very earnestly, Poppy, I can't become a man if you keep fighting my battles for me. You can't protect me forever.....geez, you should have seen him, his ears bigger than his head then. I vowed to stand by, and I have only acted when he requests it or asks my wife to ask me to intervene. My daughters always liked me that way though...they always would say that they hoped I always would protect them, I made them feel safe, big bad Poppy. Guess it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I am working on it though.

 

Things that concern me is if she does allow her bio mom back in her life and is disappointed again when she decides to bail to party or her new man of the hour is around my daughter in any way. If my daughter is around drugs or alcoholism and how it changes her view of herself since she is her daughter. I just want her bio mom gone, but my little girl has to want that too and I am hoping this weekend with her siblings will do what I cannot which is to get her to see beyond emotional wishes.

Thanks again,

Grumps

[Grumpybutfun]

Update

 

Hi everyone, I just wanted to update you all on some new developments. After the weekend with her siblings, my daughter told them she needed to think about what they said. She is very introspective at times so I was hoping she would at least consider that her bio moms intentions weren't good. However, per your advice, I stayed supportive but out of the way letting her deal with this in her own way.

This morning, she called me and asked if I would call her bio mom and tell her to leave her alone. I told her no because she only gets to be treated like an adult if she acts like one and this is her decision and therefore would be better if carried out by her.

 

She was agitated, so I told her that she doesn't have to do anything right now. She can wait until she is ready and asked of her siblings made her feel pressured into doing this. She said that they hadn't and she knows logically what is the right thing to do but she says she feels responsible for her bio moms sadness at her request for NC. We chatted about NC and why she feels it is necessary which she seemed to know a lot about what her mother is really like, no doubt her siblings filled her in on some of the stuff we kept from her because no one needs to know their mother is a prostituted drug addicted alcoholic. We always just said she had a dysfunctional and troubled lifestyle. She did ask me if she would be like that and I honestly told her that she had the same DNA but that we choose our own fate, just to be careful about alcoholism and addictions as those things have been proven to be passed down. I also reminded her that her bio mom is her moms sister and her mom is perfectly healthy and amazing. I also let her know that she has a foundation in her family, her beliefs and her outlook that her bio mom never had and so she would have to work pretty hard to ever become that dysfunctional.

She said she needed to go because she felt like she needed to have closure on her bio mom and all her thoughts were clear so we hung up. She called her mom back, my wife is a professional comforter, and I could hear them both crying via speaker at my little girls courage and compassion in how she handled her bio mom. They commiserated on how they want the best for her and were just lovely in how my wife soothed and validated and my daughter was so compassionate towards her mom saying how much she knows seeing her sister acting poorly and trying to hurt her must be hard. My little girl is growing up so beautifully.

 

I told her a plane ticket was popping through her email for this weekend and she needs to be on that plane. She said,"Poppy, I am okay, no need for me to come home for such a short period of time" so I told her that her mother needs a hug. She laughed and said, "Oh, poppy, you need me home, don't you? You have to see me to make sure I am really okay. You really, really love me deep, deep deep down." She isn't wrong.

 

Worked out better than expected, though I know there will always be bumps her bio mom will place, she will deal with them.

Thanks for your advice, worked out,

Grumps

Edited March 19, 2014 by Grumpybutfun