Older man, younger girl...Secret relationship.

[JustaGoodMan]

Was looking for advice and/or suggestions. (sorry this is long)

 

I'm 44, my divorce will be finalized next week. Ex-wife has been moved out since October. Started texting and seeing one of my buddies friends that is a girl. She is 29 (lets call her Suzy). I showed interest in Suzy, and she REALLY started flirting back. Been seeing her now since November. It's a big age difference, but she says she is fine with that. She is thin, petite, real pretty....pretty much my type of woman.

 

Suzy is friends with 3 of my friends. Two are closer to her age and one (my best friend) is my age. Suzy and the two younger guys rent rooms in a boarding house type setup. They all have separate bedrooms, but each floor shares a bathroom and kitchenette. Suzy was more than friends with the one guy (Lets call him Phil) a few years ago. Probably dated for a month or so, but now they both admit that they are not together at all. More like brother and sister. She had been single for well over a year prior to me dating her.

 

Suzy has hid our relationship from Phil. She says that he's sensitive and protective. The other two friends know about Suzy and I. I wasn't too hip on hiding it, but for reasons on MY side of the marriage/divorce issue, it worked out well. One day, I see her and she has a big bruise around her bicep. I asked her what happened....She didn't want to talk about it. I said, WELL....WE WILL TALK ABOUT IT! Here, Phil was hanging with the other friend and they were drinking and the other friend slipped and told Phil that I was dating Suzy. Apparently, Suzy and Phil had an argument and Suzy stuck up for me and said that yes, she is dating me. That's when he grabbed her. I totally lost all respect for Phil from this moment on. Suzy straightened things out with Phil, but still hides "us" from him. She says it's just easier than dealing with his antics.

 

To be honest, I think Phil is simply jealous of me. I don't want to brag, but I'm a bit more successful in my life. Have a house, multiple cars, better job, make considerably more money, etc. With that being said, when Suzy and I date, we do things that he simply cannot afford. She likes this, and I'm not flashy at all with it. I'm a nice humble guy that treats Suzy VERY well.

 

I'm getting to the point now, where we've been dating for a few months, and I want to take things further intimately. Suzy flirts like crazy with me on the phone and texting. Often times sexting me VERY explicit things that she wants to do to me. I return the sexting and NOTHING is off limits! Suzy is VERY daring behind her phone. In real life however, it's like a total different girl. We make out, kiss and a little touchy-feely from time to time. She jokes about "doing me" in person, but nothing really happens. With Phil's work schedule, it's not that often Suzy and I get "alone" time. Most of the time it's a trip to the mall, dinner, lunch, movie, etc. She's been in my house only a handful of times, and the same for me being in her room. No overnights, no dates really more than a few hours, and a LOT of the time its with the other two guys (not Phil).

 

Here comes the good part....

 

Suzy has told me a few times now when we were talking face to face that she is still a Virgin! I immediately called BS on this (based on the sexting and sexy phone-calls) But she breaks down and almost cries when I question that I cant believe there is a 29 y/o girl that hasn't had sex! I really do believe her. She was brought up in a religious home and just a few years ago moved out (several states away) of her parents house. I'm guessing she's had maybe 5 boyfriends and while I only know Phil, I'm thinking she's just a big flirt/tease and maybe has done "other" things sexually, but not the "real deal" if you know what I mean.

 

The past few weeks we really started drifting apart in terms of being able to see each other. With my work, the weather, and Phil's schedule, it just didn't work out. We would still text. And when I say text, I'd say we text a couple times an hour, throughout the day....EVERY DAY! Like a LOT of texting! With maybe a 20 minute voice call a day. Well in one of these voice calls, I expressed to her that I haven't seen her in over a week. She gets all defensive and says that she's trying. I continue on about how her and the other guys (including Phil) see each other several times a week. They go out w/o me, movies, dinners, etc. Just the 4 of them. I told her that I'm sitting home....alone, while they are out having fun, or whatever. This turned into a pretty heated argument and every time I brought up Phil, it was like I hit a nerve! That conversation ended in her hanging up on me mid sentence!

 

Well, I came to my computer and started typing out a long email about what I believe needs to happen in our relationship. From the Phil issue to my desire to have sex with her. I told her I want to be with her, not hide anything, put it up that I'm "In a Relationship with Suzy" on Facebook, meet the parents, etc. Things that NORMAL couples do that love each other.

 

Well....That didn't go over too well. Got a call back and we just about broke up. She started crying and so did I. One thing led to another, and I left it at maybe we need to "cool-off" a little. Later that night she's texting me again, and about an hour later, she's sexting me! Now we just saw each other today. A little awkward at times, but long story short, she wants to get back with me.

 

I really think we can work things out. I do love her, and she is ALWAYS telling me that she loves me. The age gap comes up sometimes (usually in story telling, etc), but we do seem to mesh well. I'm going to proceed, but in the back of my head, I'm telling myself to be careful so I and her don't hurt each other.

 

So, I think I covered everything. And there is also a part of me that REALLY questions the Phil issue. If she's not having sex with me, and tells me there is NOTHING going on with Phil, then why is she so damn horny on the phone and texting??? The good thing is, there is NOBODY else. Phil wouldn't let that happen.

 

Now that I wrote this all out, I'm guessing you will all tell me to dump her and move on. Or that she's secretly having a relationship with Phil, but I really don't think so.

 

OK, lemme have it!

[Copelandsanity]

Phil's talking mad trash about you in the other thread

[JustaGoodMan]

Not sure which thread, but ya never know! It is a small world out there!

[Copelandsanity]

Not sure which thread, but ya never know! It is a small world out there!

 

I kid, I kid! But that really would be a typical thread at LS

[No Limit]

Well, clearly this Phil thing has to stop. He's not her goddamned dad.

She can't even speak her mind or argue with that guy without getting a bruise, I'm surprised she still hasn't asked you for a guest room to stay in.

 

But don't tell her directly you'd want her to move in with you or anything. Just tell her that this hiding needs to stop. It's no use and you can't develope properly. This isn't Romeo and Juliet.

 

Next thing, intimacy. Her clearly describing what 'she is going to do with you' shows that she does have some knowledge, but of course all of that is theoretical. You could try "sexting" each other in person, in the face, teasing and then see what happens, but don't push her for sex, I guess that'll rather scare her off a bit.

[TAV]

Are you sure she is not using you to get some commitment out of this Phil? You would be perfect material to make the other guy jealous. And despite all the hot sexting she does not really want to sleep with you and it seems she is content enough with her life in the other house and does not rush over all the time to be with you, her man (supposedly). And keeping you a secret sounds very childish and does not show much commitment from her side. I think you are just some sort of experiment for her, not someone she really sees a future with.

[xxoo]

Something is not right. I don't think it's the age gap. I have a friend about your age marrying a woman about her age later this year, and they are just a normal couple. 30ish woman and 40ish man should be two adults.

 

But she's acting very immature, much too immature for her age, imo. Either she's playing you in some way, or she is way too immature for a divorced man.

 

Go meet an emotionally grown woman.

[JustaGoodMan]

Yes. I expressed to her that the Phil issue is not healthy. It's preventing Phil from dating, and Suzy from furthering our relationship (or at least freeing things up more).

 

At this point, I really don't want/need a move in GF. I'm having a hard enough time getting her alone long enough to come over and have dinner and watch a movie (which she keeps saying SHE wants to do).

 

Yeah, I think the sexual knowledge is there, but there are signs of inexperience at times. For instance....She likes to reach over and grab my "package" (boy that seems funny to type!), while we're driving somewhere, or even while we're in her room kissing. But she REALLY grabs. I don't know many guys that like their jewels squeezed anywhere close to how hard she grabs! Her kissing is also rather rough and quick. So, that and a few other things shows that this may not have happened too many times in her past.

 

She keeps saying over and over that her and Phil are NOT BF/GF type at all. They really are like brother/sister from what I can tell. Problem is, I wouldn't want Suzy telling me what guy friends I can hang out with either. Though I don't have any (Close) friends that are girls that she could be jealous of.

 

I'm thinking of pushing things a bit with other girls and flirt in real life and on FB. Maybe she will question some of this and I can more or less see how she likes it?

[beach]

She's a tease!

 

And I'm certain she does the same to Phil.

 

She's not worth bothering with - date a gal more mature and closer to your own age - one who doesn't use men for attention by misleading them.

[JustaGoodMan]

Yes, she certainly IS a tease! I tell her that almost every day!

 

The more I think about it and actually READ what I typed, I even question myself!

 

I told her that I want a real relationship. Meet the parents, go on weekend trips, do fun stuff with other friends and family. It's as if it's a giant secret that only a handful of my friends know about.

 

But, I wasn't really looking. She kinda fell in my lap so to speak. Sad thing is, I do love her, and really know that she does too. I just don't think she sees an easy way out of the Phil situation. I feel that she knows if she breaks her friendship with Phil, and god forbid something between her and I would happen that she'd be homeless and several states away from her family.

[xxoo]

Why can't a 29 year old woman support herself?

 

Have you asked yourself the hard questions about this woman? Couldn't you support yourself at her age?

[TAV]

Yes, she certainly IS a tease! I tell her that almost every day!

 

The more I think about it and actually READ what I typed, I even question myself!

 

I told her that I want a real relationship. Meet the parents, go on weekend trips, do fun stuff with other friends and family. It's as if it's a giant secret that only a handful of my friends know about.

 

But, I wasn't really looking. She kinda fell in my lap so to speak. Sad thing is, I do love her, and really know that she does too. I just don't think she sees an easy way out of the Phil situation. I feel that she knows if she breaks her friendship with Phil, and god forbid something between her and I would happen that she'd be homeless and several states away from her family.

 

What did she reply when you told her you wanted a real relationship?

 

And is Phil paying her rent/owns the house she lives in? Why would she be homeless if she tells Phil to back of? I think she is more afraid of losing dear Phil than she is of losing you. I also get the sense that you are mostly flattered by her attention (my guess is she is quite pretty/sexy) but not ready for anything serious either despite telling her that you are. And not surprising too since you are just coming out of a divorce.

[HappyLove]

More proof men love CRAZY!

 

God forbid you date a sane, stable woman, with a home and career without all the added BS.

[JustaGoodMan]

She SHOULD be able to support herself. I find I'm helping her financially more than I'd like. She only works PT retail. The room she rents is like a 30 some room boarding house. Every 6 or so rooms shares a bathroom. Something like $100/wk. Even with a roomate, her income cant support living in a real appartment (start at $1K/mo). I think Phil may help her out a little with rent. If she totally breaks it off with Phil, there really aren't any other places in her budget to live. As living in the adjoining room to Phil wouldn't really be something either could handle.

 

As far as what she said when I said how nice it would be to be in a "real relationship", she said that she wishes it was that easy.

 

As far as me....at her age I was living by myself in a house for 3 years already. At that point I had a car, a truck and a very successful business (hasn't changed).

 

I'm being VERY cautious, but yes, I do enjoy her flirting and conversation/texts. It is flattering as I'm not what you would call a great looking guy. So to have a twenty-something year old good looking girl swooning over me is nice.

[beach]

You give her money?

 

Stop that. Date a gal that's mature and capable of providing for herself.

 

Sounds like she's involved with Phil... Yet uses you for money by flirting.

 

It's gross that her crumbs are enough for you to open your wallet.

[JustaGoodMan]

I hear you on the money. But it's not much.

 

I look at it this way. Any other girl I would have spent MUCH more money on going to much finer restaurants, shows, weekend trips, etc.

 

I may be painting a more drastic picture than real life has it looking. But then again, us guys get to thinking with the wrong head and can put blinders on to these things.

 

Thanks for the input EVERYONE!

 

Kinda weird putting this story out there as I've never thought there was even something out there like this.

[xxoo]

I'm being VERY cautious, but yes, I do enjoy her flirting and conversation/texts. It is flattering as I'm not what you would call a great looking guy. So to have a twenty-something year old good looking girl swooning over me is nice.

 

This points even more to her using you.

 

Even the way she kisses poorly and grabs at your package--she's just not really into you. If she were, she'd know what to do....

[TAV]

This points even more to her using you.

 

Even the way she kisses poorly and grabs at your package--she's just not really into you. If she were, she'd know what to do....

 

I agree, 'rough kisses' has little to do with experience but more with the fact that there is no emotion in it. You never know, maybe she and her Phil are laughing their heads of behind your back. You cannot buy someone's love. Just get out before you get hurt.

[beach]

I hear you on the money. But it's not much.

 

I look at it this way. Any other girl I would have spent MUCH more money on going to much finer restaurants, shows, weekend trips, etc.

 

I may be painting a more drastic picture than real life has it looking. But then again, us guys get to thinking with the wrong head and can put blinders on to these things.

 

Thanks for the input EVERYONE!

 

Kinda weird putting this story out there as I've never thought there was even something out there like this.

 

Why don't you date a real gal - your own age and available?

[JustaGoodMan]

Easy to say. (date a girl my own age, and available).

 

I'm just about fully divorced. Wasn't out LOOKING for this relationship. It sorta fell in my lap.

 

Once things are TOTALLY finalized (next week) with the divorce, I'll start letting people know I'm single. Maybe when Suzy gets word that it's finalized she'll start thinking about things and it may prompt some deep discussion. Maybe I can bring up that now that I'm officially divorced, that I'M now looking to get into a REAL relationship. See if the finalization changes her view on things. If not, I'll be up front and honest (the best way to be) and bring up all of my "issues" and let her decide.

[JustaGoodMan]

And as for women my own age....

 

I really don't want to date somebody with kids of their own (and there are a TON of single Mothers out there my age). I'm not sure if I want to have children of my own, but realistically having a relationship this late in life with someone my own age that really shouldn't be having children is something in the back of my head.

[xxoo]

And as for women my own age....

 

I really don't want to date somebody with kids of their own (and there are a TON of single Mothers out there my age). I'm not sure if I want to have children of my own, but realistically having a relationship this late in life with someone my own age that really shouldn't be having children is something in the back of my head.

 

An argument could be made that you "really shouldn't be having children" at your age, either. Research is finding that babies born to older men maybe be more likely to develop autism, for example.

 

A woman your age could easily have grown children, or nearly grown. And you'd have the benefit of being with a peer in terms of equity and career development.

[No Limit]

While there are single mothers, there also are single women. Of course the latter is not as plentiful as the former, but they do exist.

 

And yeah, from what you've told us she at least has an emotional connection to Phil. And as long as she won't/can't let go that won't change.

When someone has contact to their ex or former lovers/love interests people always have a reason to be wary, cause sadly most people aren't strong enough to draw a line in the sand.

[HappyLove]

So instead of dating someone who is GASP....your age. A woman who is a hard worker, intelligent, kind, loving, can hold her own, and who ISN'T USING YOU. You'd rather keep getting played by some chick and Phil. Can't say you don't deserve it.

 

What's that saying? "There's no fool like and old fool"

Edited March 16, 2014 by HappyLove

[JustaGoodMan]

HappyLove, and others....

 

I never said I wouldn't date someone my age. I have plenty of single female friends that are my age. Remember, Suzy came around purely by accident. It just happened to coincide with me becoming a single man. I never really had thought of dating anyone when Suzy came around.

 

Given a choice, I would ABSOLUTELY like to date/have a relationship with a hard working, intelligent, career woman in her early 40's. But I'm a one girl guy. I have this current relationship to somehow sort out.

 

Am I NOT looking at others??? NO. A guys radar is always on. I don't think we are capable of turning it off. It's how we react when the radar blips that separates us from other mammals.