6 months

[peaksandvalleys]

It is amazing how much someone's life can change in 6 months. I got some papers from my lawyers to sign today that basically ends almost everything for me. I came here seeking something. I was so lonely I was considering cheating myself. Read a lot of stories here and on other sites. I was shocked and disgusted at the same time. Some of the stories seemed to be I was writing them. That makes me so sad to know others are feeling the same pain, anger and disappoint that I am feeling.

 

My children seem to be doing well but I know them. They are trying to hide their pain for me. They have seen the mess affect me emotionally and physically. They are afraid of losing me and I hate for them to feel that way. Will there ever be a point where we find our new normal and it actually feels normal?

 

Ex is still a whiny, waste of space. He still feels like life has "just" happened to him and nothing that has happened has anything to do with his choices. His OW will be facing criminal charges filed by the company she worked for. I am sure there will probably be a plea and she will probably get probation and have to pay restitution.

 

If I could go back. Back to the beginning of the change, whatever change that was. I guess I am just feeling low and thinking out loud. This place has been an eye opener for a part of life that I never wanted to believe existed. The cruelty that some people are willing to go to hurt others:(. I hope that my children never experience this feeling from someone they loved and trusted.

Edited March 15, 2014 by peaksandvalleys

[WhiteOrchid]

I agree, it is amazing how life can change in such a short time. I don't have any words of wisdom, I just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through such pain. You will get through this. Your children will get through this. You are doing the right thing.

[Fluttershy]

Hugs*

 

i think one of the hardest situations is when people don't take responsibility. Even if there is no reconciliation hearing someone say "my fault" can in the end be so enlightening. The other makes you want to bash heads against walls and tell them to wake up. I think it is even harder to see when it is in someone you are close to or once were whether a friend, family member or spouse. Or child. Terrible actions are terrible actions but when they aren't owned it is mind boggeling at times. Even when not related to infidelity. I know a 50 year old woman who still blames her mom for every crappy descision she has made in her life and continues to make with her drug abuse and poor choice in boyfriends.

 

But you are strong peaks even if you don't feel it and you own your actions. You will survive and thrive I am sure of it. Six months for how completely upside down your life was turned is not long. That whole three to five years for reconciliation I think is something even people who D need to think of. Very few people are over it the moment they divorce.

 

One thing that concerned me was you mentioning your kids are afraid of losing you. Are they afraid of your mental health? And should they be?

[No Limit]

I read your posts and damn girl, you're doing great so far! Why the worries?

 

Plenty parts of your story also made me laugh as well - the letter from the OW, your ex's little attempt at acting in front of your family at Thanksgiving... hilarious.

 

You've finally freed yourself of a chain which was once coiled around your neck, so why be sad? The kids will come over this in time and so will you, of course it doesn't happen overnight. Destruction does, but not healing.

 

And your ex is still whiny as well? Sure it's somewhat utterly ridiculous when people don't see their mistakes, don't show remorse and while those people are often able to feel ashamed of oneself being a human as well just like those folks you're still clearly having the better opportunities.

 

Don't worry - be happy.

 

edit;;

Read some more of your stuff and the fact that you're reacting exactly the way I would wants me to kiss you in a non-romantic way. Much platonic internet love, you go girl.

Edited March 15, 2014 by No Limit

[peaksandvalleys]

I read your posts and damn girl, you're doing great so far! Why the worries?

 

Plenty parts of your story also made me laugh as well - the letter from the OW, your ex's little attempt at acting in front of your family at Thanksgiving... hilarious.

 

You've finally freed yourself of a chain which was once coiled around your neck, so why be sad? The kids will come over this in time and so will you, of course it doesn't happen overnight. Destruction does, but not healing.

 

And your ex is still whiny as well? Sure it's somewhat utterly ridiculous when people don't see their mistakes, don't show remorse and while those people are often able to feel ashamed of oneself being a human as well just like those folks you're still clearly having the better opportunities.

 

Don't worry - be happy.

 

edit;;

Read some more of your stuff and the fact that you're reacting exactly the way I would wants me to kiss you in a non-romantic way. Much platonic internet love, you go girl.

 

 

My head tells me that I should be happy. The pieces of my life around my feet tell me a different story. It's not so much worrying but looking back and going WTF?

[yellowmaverick]

This place has been an eye opener for a part of life that I never wanted to believe existed. The cruelty that some people are willing to go to hurt others:(. I hope that my children never experience this feeling from someone they loved and trusted

.

 

The cruelty was a big eye opener for me as well. It seriously turns my stomach to read about people hoping that their cheating MM/MW will rip their families' lives apart so that the AP can have their "soulmates". But I have come to believe that the cheaters and the AP belong together. Their families deserve so much better.

 

While, like you, I hope that my children never experience the pain from being cheated on by their spouses, I hope more that they are not the kind of people who would be a cheater or an AP. I would truly be heartbroken if I had raised the kind of person who could do that.

[gettingstronger]

You nailed it PV. I also had no idea that people could be so cruel and selfish. Until you experience infidelity, you have no idea what people are capable of in that respect. Sure, I heard of it second hand, held a friends hand as she dealt with it, but nothing is like experiencing it first hand. On here, while I appreciate the honesty some have it does turn my stomach to read some of the thoughts and actions. My husbands family was filled with infidelity, when I found out he cheated one of the first things I said was, not another generation of this. I also hope my kids never cheat, but I do know the deck is stacked against them in some regards. Neither my husband nor I will ever get over that fact, once touched by infidelity you are forever changed. It's a tough pill to swallow.

 

I also agree with your saying although people say you are doing well, you would turn it all back if you could. My husband remarks on my strength and I would love to punch him, I never asked to be tested like this, I could have gone my whole life without proving how strong I am and be just fine.

[No Limit]

My head tells me that I should be happy. The pieces of my life around my feet tell me a different story. It's not so much worrying but looking back and going WTF?

 

Of course your head does. I've been betrayed in a different way as well and while I don't harbour any negative feelings for that person I did wonder what things would be like if all of this had never happened, if I had only kept my view of the world as being nice and without worry. And yet, today I don't even fully trust my mirror.

 

In the end, it's irrelevant. We'll never know what might have been, we must focus on reality

 

You too have now realized that things can go down very fast, a situation you couldn't grab hold of and frankly you were never in a position to be able to. Your WH was and he utterly failed in every perspective, the few times you mentioned him make that clear. But you can't and could never change what he is.

 

Instead you can change yourself; not talking about getting a big makeover to hook up with guys or get a new relationship (if I remember correctly you have no intent to have another relationship, which is perfectly fine in my opinion, you already got a great family to back you up), but simply focus on you. Marriage 'till death do us part isn't a life objective, and in one of your threads you've already said there are a few hobbies you could look further into. And that's where your focus should be for a while until things have finally cooled down, although I can't help but have a feeling your ex will sooner or later show up again with craziness. Remorse or acceptance, no, but perhaps at least some sort of shallow apology.

[compulsivedancer]

You nailed it PV. I also had no idea that people could be so cruel and selfish. Until you experience infidelity, you have no idea what people are capable of in that respect. Sure, I heard of it second hand, held a friends hand as she dealt with it, but nothing is like experiencing it first hand. On here, while I appreciate the honesty some have it does turn my stomach to read some of the thoughts and actions. My husbands family was filled with infidelity, when I found out he cheated one of the first things I said was, not another generation of this. I also hope my kids never cheat, but I do know the deck is stacked against them in some regards. Neither my husband nor I will ever get over that fact, once touched by infidelity you are forever changed. It's a tough pill to swallow.

 

I also agree with your saying although people say you are doing well, you would turn it all back if you could. My husband remarks on my strength and I would love to punch him, I never asked to be tested like this, I could have gone my whole life without proving how strong I am and be just fine.

 

If you and your H are reconciling and he truly changes, you have a chance at breaking the cycle. Teach your kids what a real long-term relationship looks like and what commitment looks like. There's only so much you can do to help them "affair-proof" their marriages, as that requires two people. But you can help them "affair-proof" themselves, and that is at least as important!

[Spark1111]

My head tells me that I should be happy. The pieces of my life around my feet tell me a different story. It's not so much worrying but looking back and going WTF?

 

This is so normal; the resentment, the anger, the pain.

 

I call it the "A" student mentality; worked so hard, gave it my best and my all, and STILL.....well, here I am.

 

It lasts quite a while and is a process, a painful one, to realize no matter what I did, I did not deserve this and yet....here it was anyway. My life turned on a dime and I had not control over events.

 

Scary stuff indeed.

 

Your kids, like mine, will be better when YOU are...and not a minute sooner as much as you may wish for it. Mother/child is so symbiotic, intertwined, and protective and intuitive.

 

When you are whole, they will be also. And you will just KNOW it. they will squabble, have petty complaints, give YOU a hard time about something....and stop walking on eggshells around you and your pain.

 

They will sense, maybe before you do, that Mom is back and ready to mother them again, no matter what age they are....

 

we should open a bar for temporarily lost, sad souls.

 

We should name it, WTF.

 

What do you think? I think it's a winner....

[cocahouts]

If you and your H are reconciling and he truly changes, you have a chance at breaking the cycle. Teach your kids what a real long-term relationship looks like and what commitment looks like. There's only so much you can do to help them "affair-proof" their marriages, as that requires two people. But you can help them "affair-proof" themselves, and that is at least as important!

 

So speaking of kids...I have a 15 and 7 year old and my wife had an EA with my best friend who we thought of as family. All ties have been cut and we are attempting to R but I can't get over the double whammy and this "best friend" pointed me in the wrong direction and convinced me to have my own ONS before I knew he was the villain. Now I feel Betrayed..Destroyed...Manipulated...and Sabotaged not to mention regretful as hell. He was cheering me on telling me that it was normal and trying to set me up again. My wife and I both come from broken homes so that's might be why this seemed a little commonplace as we both screwed up.

 

The kids know something is up, it's been about 6 months and little hints are getting dropped here and there from the kids. I don't want my Son or Daughter to think this is how it should be. Statistics are pointing to Affairs as a norm now a days but do you think this should be hidden from them forever? If my wife and I make it this might turn into a good life lesson for a strong marriage but should this story be told to prevent my children's mishaps or left buried?

[ladydesigner]

If my wife and I make it this might turn into a good life lesson for a strong marriage but should this story be told to prevent my children's mishaps or left buried?

 

This is what I am hoping for. Both my kids know about my WH's last A (my reaction was explosive and my daughter had intercepted texts from MOW).

 

I came from a family that had A's and I ended up having a revenge affair (still an A), so I repeated the pattern.

 

So hard to tell what kids will do when they get older. I feel the most important thing to teach our children are healthy coping mechanisms. I was taught not one iota and am just now developing healthier coping strategies at age 40.

[peaksandvalleys]

If you and your H are reconciling and he truly changes, you have a chance at breaking the cycle. Teach your kids what a real long-term relationship looks like and what commitment looks like. There's only so much you can do to help them "affair-proof" their marriages, as that requires two people. But you can help them "affair-proof" themselves, and that is at least as important!

 

 

No reconciliation here. Hats off to those who can do it. I am not one of them.

[compulsivedancer]

So speaking of kids...I have a 15 and 7 year old and my wife had an EA with my best friend who we thought of as family. All ties have been cut and we are attempting to R but I can't get over the double whammy and this "best friend" pointed me in the wrong direction and convinced me to have my own ONS before I knew he was the villain. Now I feel Betrayed..Destroyed...Manipulated...and Sabotaged not to mention regretful as hell. He was cheering me on telling me that it was normal and trying to set me up again. My wife and I both come from broken homes so that's might be why this seemed a little commonplace as we both screwed up.

 

The kids know something is up, it's been about 6 months and little hints are getting dropped here and there from the kids. I don't want my Son or Daughter to think this is how it should be. Statistics are pointing to Affairs as a norm now a days but do you think this should be hidden from them forever? If my wife and I make it this might turn into a good life lesson for a strong marriage but should this story be told to prevent my children's mishaps or left buried?

 

I'd tell them when they're older and some time has passed. And when it's relevant. We could probably get pretty in depth with this. Why don't you start a thread?

[compulsivedancer]

No reconciliation here. Hats off to those who can do it. I am not one of them.

 

Sorry to t/j. That was meant for gettingstronger.

 

I would think that if you have the same concerns about the kids, you could still teach them about "affair-proofing," but it will be a lot harder if your STBXH is not on the same page. I imagine the best thing to do is to show them what integrity looks like and try to instill that understanding, etc in them.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It can't be easy, even if he makes it the obvious choice for you. It may be a cliche, but now's the time to focus on you and having the best life YOU and the kids can have without HIM.

 

Best wishes.

[Fluttershy]

No reconciliation here. Hats off to those who can do it. I am not one of them.

 

I wouldn't say your not someone who couldn't reconcile no matter the situation. I think you are someone who was in a crappy marriage to the point of considering cheating yourself (not knowing the crap was because of his cheating) and realized that your marriage was over and that SOB was not worth a second chance. In your story I would never have recommended R.