Wasting Light Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I've always been a sad, lonely, miserable kind of guy, and it occurred to me recently that I don't think I've ever really truly felt "happiness". If someone asked me to recall the happiest memories of my life, I'd essentially be at a loss. I really can't remember anything that made me feel truly "happy". On top of that, I can sometimes find things that I SHOULD feel happy about, and I know that I should feel happy, but I just... don't. Like, a year or so ago, I finally discovered what kind of career I'd like to pursue, which was a big deal, because I wasted years not being able to figure that out; when I first figured it out, I basically felt good and I had taken some steps to start pursuing a proper education for it, but now, I almost feel like I just don't care. Even with the little things, I never quite feel "happy"; like, I have some little hobbies that I say that I like, yet I just never really feel interested in partaking in them. I WANT to like them, but I just feel indifferent. And this is basically how I am towards everything. Even when there is something good that I SHOULD be happy about, I just... can't feel it. I think I've been able to "pretend" to be happy in the past, trying to convince myself that it was true, but I just don't think I've ever actually felt it. I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm simply not capable of feeling happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 "Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think." Buddha It is a choice. G 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm simply not capable of feeling happiness. Have you ever been diagnosed with depression? You might consider speaking with a professional. If it turns out that you have a chemical disposition to not feeling happiness, you might benefit from some sort of treatment. In my own life, I find hard cardio exercise in the morning makes me have a happier day. Also, prayer, faith and a spiritual connection to God have also changed my perspective in life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
melell Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I have a pretty odd stance on this one. I think there is a big difference between trying to escape unhappiness, and being happy. What is the nature of 'happiness'? For me it isn't an end result, or thing that is achieved, it is more of a secondary thing. Like we can seek pleasure, but it is all superficial, so it doesn't last long- or lead to happiness. It is almost like trying to find pleasure in things backfires- because it doesn't last long it ends up killing our faith in our ability to be happy. - We seek a good job, get it, find pleasure in the success, but it isn't absolute, it is disappointing, so we get left with 'I'll never be happy'. I would say that seeking it, or expecting it, is actually detrimental to being it. In all honesty I really think it is important to understand what happiness is as a concept, otherwise we just go round and round in circles- dragging us down and leading to apathy. Look at what happiness is, it is a word, it is an idea. What does it represent, how does it work? Is it even real? Seeing others enjoy themselves, is that happiness, or momentary pleasure? If someone took those little pleasures away would they be happy- or would they be left miserable? Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I've always been a sad, lonely, miserable kind of guy, and it occurred to me recently that I don't think I've ever really truly felt "happiness". If someone asked me to recall the happiest memories of my life, I'd essentially be at a loss. I really can't remember anything that made me feel truly "happy". On top of that, I can sometimes find things that I SHOULD feel happy about, and I know that I should feel happy, but I just... don't. Like, a year or so ago, I finally discovered what kind of career I'd like to pursue, which was a big deal, because I wasted years not being able to figure that out; when I first figured it out, I basically felt good and I had taken some steps to start pursuing a proper education for it, but now, I almost feel like I just don't care. Even with the little things, I never quite feel "happy"; like, I have some little hobbies that I say that I like, yet I just never really feel interested in partaking in them. I WANT to like them, but I just feel indifferent. And this is basically how I am towards everything. Even when there is something good that I SHOULD be happy about, I just... can't feel it. I think I've been able to "pretend" to be happy in the past, trying to convince myself that it was true, but I just don't think I've ever actually felt it. I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm simply not capable of feeling happiness. I have melanholic personality. I am almost never happy but I am not actively unhappy either. I am not depressed. I have few fleeting moments of happiness when something really good happens. In general, I suffer from constant low grade apathy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 How old are you? I don't know what 'happiness' means exactly. Maybe just the absence of pain (that's been my definition the past few years). Maybe it is really about being content. That said, you should absolutely be able to find pleasure and ongoing interest in things within your own life. Hobbies, family, etc. One thing that strikes me is your lack of attention span for activities that you admit liking. That says to me that you might benefit from meds. There is nothing wrong with this. You just may have a chemical imbalance that could benefit from treatment. I'm a physician and I fall into that category, as do MANY people. I think you should possibly see someone about being treated for dysthymia or perhaps depression. It can be better.... Don't give up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted March 15, 2014 Author Share Posted March 15, 2014 How old are you? Mid-20s. I don't know what 'happiness' means exactly. Maybe just the absence of pain (that's been my definition the past few years). Maybe it is really about being content. Yeah, I guess I don't really know, myself. All I know is that I constantly feel sad and miserable, and while I have the occasional fleeting positive experience, it never lasts very long at all, and I'm just back to feeling down. Sad/ miserable is basically my default state, unfortunately. I never feel like I have anything worth being proud of, worth making my life fulfilling. Have you ever been diagnosed with depression? You might consider speaking with a professional. If it turns out that you have a chemical disposition to not feeling happiness, you might benefit from some sort of treatment. I think you should possibly see someone about being treated for dysthymia or perhaps depression. It can be better.... Don't give up. I've looked into professional help before, but I can't afford it, I'm barely scraping by as it is, really. That said, you should absolutely be able to find pleasure and ongoing interest in things within your own life. Hobbies, family, etc. One thing that strikes me is your lack of attention span for activities that you admit liking. That says to me that you might benefit from meds. There is nothing wrong with this. You just may have a chemical imbalance that could benefit from treatment. I'm a physician and I fall into that category, as do MANY people. Yeah, it's weird, because like I said, there are hobbies I've had all my life, that I always got some form of amusement from participating in, but they just feel so... hollow, and meaningless. Everything kinda does, to me, really. Beyond that, I don't really have anything "ongoing" in my life. Don't really have any family. Never had anything even remotely resembling a social life. I've always wished I could have people in my life, and I've tried many times to connect with people, but I've never been successful with it. I've been told over the years from "outside observers" that the reason I can't have a social life is because I'm not happy with myself and my life, and that I should find new hobbies and activities to enjoy that will get me out meeting people and connecting with people. That's fine advice, and all, but I can't seem to derive happiness or real enjoyment out of anything. That part of me just doesn't seem to function. So I can't really bring myself to seek out new hobbies and activities, when nothing brings me any kind of lasting pleasure or happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 That's fine advice, and all, but I can't seem to derive happiness or real enjoyment out of anything. That part of me just doesn't seem to function. So I can't really bring myself to seek out new hobbies and activities, when nothing brings me any kind of lasting pleasure or happiness. No one finds lasting happiness or pleasure out of hobbies, activities, people, jobs, money, cars, etc. etc. These things can give temporary or momentary happiness. Many people differentiate "happiness" from joy. Joy is the stable underpinning of happiness. And long-lasting joy is only found when we find our place in this world, imo. So, what are your thoughts on God? If you have an understanding of your position in life, and who you are in relation to God, you might be able to change your perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted March 16, 2014 Author Share Posted March 16, 2014 No one finds lasting happiness or pleasure out of hobbies, activities, people, jobs, money, cars, etc. etc. These things can give temporary or momentary happiness. Many people differentiate "happiness" from joy. Joy is the stable underpinning of happiness. And long-lasting joy is only found when we find our place in this world, imo. Sure, but people tell me that if I get out more, and find new activities and hobbies to do, that I'll meet people and make friends and have a social life and find love, and all that jazz. But even when I do try to find something new, I never feel any personal connection to it. I always feel like I'm just going along with the motions, and either I feel I'm getting nothing out of it and I quit, or I let it become part of my routine out of pure habit but I continue to fail to make any connections with people through it. So, what are your thoughts on God? If you have an understanding of your position in life, and who you are in relation to God, you might be able to change your perspective. Eh. My immediate family was technically always Christian, but they were never very strict at all about it, and weren't really "practicing". I did go to catholic grade school and high school, and heard a fair bit of preaching at both places, but I never bought much into any of it. That's not to say I'm atheist, per se. I'd classify myself more as "agnostic". I'd LIKE to believe a lot of the ideas presented by religion, that there's a "god", that there's a meaning for life and existence, that there's some kind of life after death where you reconnect with loved ones and feel eternal bliss, but it all just seems so... "too good to be true", I guess. Like a fairy tale. They're nice thoughts, and all, but I tend to believe religions came about because people couldn't comprehend the idea of death and wanted to convince themselves that our existence actually means something. Not to mention, there are so many different religions out there. True, a lot of them have some kind of centralized "higher power", but who's to say any one religion is "right"? I find it hard to open myself to the idea of religion and spirituality when there are so many different interpretations of it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 Sure, but people tell me that if I get out more, and find new activities and hobbies to do, that I'll meet people and make friends and have a social life and find love, and all that jazz. But even when I do try to find something new, I never feel any personal connection to it. I always feel like I'm just going along with the motions, and either I feel I'm getting nothing out of it and I quit, or I let it become part of my routine out of pure habit but I continue to fail to make any connections with people through it. Well, clearly "people" are wrong. I personally think there is something ultimately empty about pursuing some hobbies, like reading clubs, dance classes, etc. I'm not saying they're bad things to do, at all!! Hobbies can be great in so many ways, and can help others. But just doing things to entertain ourselves or make ourselves happy actually has the opposite effect, imo! I think it can start to feel really pointless and selfish. So, in addition to what's been mentioned (depression medication, counseling, exercise, finding love from God), I'd say that spending time giving of yourself to others would possibly be very fulfilling. If you can seriously go and volunteer at a homeless shelter, or work as a "Big Brother", or develop a relationship with a family in need abroad, and still feel a hollow sadness about your own life (and the many blessings in it), then....well, the problem's bigger than can be dealt with over the internet. So, if you don't feel extreme happiness, do you not feel extreme anger either? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted March 16, 2014 Author Share Posted March 16, 2014 I did some volunteer work a long time ago; it wasn't actually by choice, and it was something I HAD to do, but I tried to be open to it and give myself to it. And I just didn't really like it, and I didn't want to do it, and then I felt like a bad person for feeling that way. As for anger, not really, no. I get annoyed with people at times, but never "angry" about things. Well... I guess you could say I sometimes get very angry with myself. But never with anything or anyone outside of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 I did some volunteer work a long time ago; it wasn't actually by choice, and it was something I HAD to do, but I tried to be open to it and give myself to it. And I just didn't really like it, and I didn't want to do it, and then I felt like a bad person for feeling that way. Sorry, WL. Mandatory volunteer work is an oxy moron. You'd have to dig down deep, and try to figure out something/someway you could offer assistance to your fellow man on your own. What are your skills/talents? Don't say nothing! I know you have them. Just in the sheer fact that you seem pretty stable, emotionally (albeit somewhat despondent, at least at the moment) is saying something! Go to any anger management group, and I bed they'd envy the fact that your emotions don't get out of control. I don't know if I'm making sense, lol. Anyway, I wish you all the best, WL. I hope you find peace in who you are, joy and, of course, happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 You sound intelligent and very self-aware. You are young. Maybe you are trying too hard... maybe to be something others think you should be? Just a thought. I am an introvert by nature and hate socializing, clubs, etc to meet people. I have a hard time meeting people. I connect with people rarely but when I do, it is strong and close. I have very few friends, but those that I have are close ones. It did take me a long time to get to that point too. I suspect that you might be like this too, and maybe you are being too hard on yourself by thinking you 'should' feel a certain way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted March 16, 2014 Author Share Posted March 16, 2014 Sorry, WL. Mandatory volunteer work is an oxy moron. Yeah, no, I get what you're saying. Still, like I said, I did try to go into it with an open mind and heart, it wasn't exactly like I resented the mandatory nature of it and purposely tried to have a bad experience, you know? What are your skills/talents? Don't say nothing! I know you have them. I'm really not sure. Kinda been wondering about this for years, now, and I can never come up with anything. There really isn't anything I do particularly well or anything like that. Even with practice, I tend to never become more than "average" at any one particular thing. You sound intelligent and very self-aware. You are young. Maybe you are trying too hard... maybe to be something others think you should be? Just a thought. It's funny you say that, because I think others would say that I'm not trying hard enough. And the thing of it is, when I don't feel "happy" about anything, it's difficult to find the will to "try harder" to connect with people. I, myself, am very introverted and reserved, and it is rare for me to find someone I want to be open with and connect with, and every time I have found someone I wanted that with, they've always rejected me, every single time, whether it was for friendship or anything more. I've been trying, for years, to "come out of my shell" and be more open, and talkative, and "playful" with the people around me, and while I guess I'm not good at any of those things (even with years of "practice" by now), I still try. But it never really seems good enough for anyone. Getting back to "happiness", another reason I feel concerned is because I feel like I wish I wasn't even alive. And I don't mean that in a "suicidal" kind of way. But I just feel like my life is going to be a constant stream of misery, with nothing that ever makes me feel truly happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 I'm really not sure. Kinda been wondering about this for years, now, and I can never come up with anything. There really isn't anything I do particularly well or anything like that. Even with practice, I tend to never become more than "average" at any one particular thing. Yep, most of us are average. But, there's something(s) that you do better than other things, and actually probably do better than many people. Once you figure out what that is, I hope you'll share it with those around you (in some productive way). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted March 16, 2014 Author Share Posted March 16, 2014 Yep, most of us are average. But, there's something(s) that you do better than other things, and actually probably do better than many people. Once you figure out what that is, I hope you'll share it with those around you (in some productive way). Heh, well, I'm sure I'm probably better at being worse at a lot of simple things most people can do just fine, but that's not exactly a victory. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Heh, well, I'm sure I'm probably better at being worse at a lot of simple things most people can do just fine, but that's not exactly a victory. Haha. Well, in a way I think you're victorious. Just on this thread alone I see you are actually pretty persistent. The thing is, you seem driven to see the negative. After many suggestions and offerings of advice on this thread, you've pretty much deflected each one. You seem to have given up on trying. And in your young life, your nowhere near allowed to give up on trying. So, to me, it seems clear that you actually like to hold on to your sadness. And that is OK. Just ask yourself why. What is keeping you from succeeding in this? What would a change like bringing more happiness into your life mean? Does a lack of happiness give you an excuse for something, like an excuse to not succeed in other areas (i.e. romantically, in work, socially, etc)? Anyway, just things to ask yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted March 17, 2014 Author Share Posted March 17, 2014 Haha. Well, in a way I think you're victorious. Just on this thread alone I see you are actually pretty persistent. The thing is, you seem driven to see the negative. After many suggestions and offerings of advice on this thread, you've pretty much deflected each one. You seem to have given up on trying. And in your young life, your nowhere near allowed to give up on trying. So, to me, it seems clear that you actually like to hold on to your sadness. And that is OK. Just ask yourself why. What is keeping you from succeeding in this? What would a change like bringing more happiness into your life mean? Does a lack of happiness give you an excuse for something, like an excuse to not succeed in other areas (i.e. romantically, in work, socially, etc)? Anyway, just things to ask yourself. I don't really know, to be honest. :/ I don't mean to deflect anything, or anything like that. I just... I really don't know how it feels to feel "good" or "happy". If I like holding onto my sadness, it's because that's all I know how to feel... You know? I've tried to pretend being happy, but it's never worked. I don't know. I wish I had the answers, I wish I wasn't still at a complete loss well into my twenties like I am. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Can't relate to happy? Ever? Wow. What you're talking about sounds like a medical problem. Go to a doctor and get checked out. You sound clinically depressed. I was depressed from ages 12 to 29. Lots of childhood abuse finally crashed me at 12. My whole personality changed. Was diagnosed, took Prozac for all of two years and it turned my life around. Being happy (and everything else) just came naturally in the regular cycles everyone else felt, it was a huge 'aha'! It wasn't a happy pill, I'd even get depressed, but like a normal person over depressing things and it would lift in a day or two. As the doctor said (I was referred to a psychiatrist, do that if you can, doctors don't get a lot of psych training) my body needed to be reset. I was in therapy for years. I had the right attitude, but it wasn't addressing the real issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 I don't really know, to be honest. :/ I don't mean to deflect anything, or anything like that. I just... I really don't know how it feels to feel "good" or "happy". If I like holding onto my sadness, it's because that's all I know how to feel... You know? I've tried to pretend being happy, but it's never worked. I don't know. I wish I had the answers, I wish I wasn't still at a complete loss well into my twenties like I am. :/ Yeah, I know. ((hugs)) WL. You're not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Can't relate to happy? Ever? Wow. What you're talking about sounds like a medical problem. Go to a doctor and get checked out. You sound clinically depressed. I was depressed from ages 12 to 29. Lots of childhood abuse finally crashed me at 12. My whole personality changed. Was diagnosed, took Prozac for all of two years and it turned my life around. Being happy (and everything else) just came naturally in the regular cycles everyone else felt, it was a huge 'aha'! It wasn't a happy pill, I'd even get depressed, but like a normal person over depressing things and it would lift in a day or two. As the doctor said (I was referred to a psychiatrist, do that if you can, doctors don't get a lot of psych training) my body needed to be reset. I was in therapy for years. I had the right attitude, but it wasn't addressing the real issue. Well, not to "deflect" anything, but I really can't afford therapy, psychiatry, or anything like that. My insurance really isn't that great at all, and I don't have enough disposable income for it, unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
mrnova66 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Well, not to "deflect" anything, but I really can't afford therapy, psychiatry, or anything like that. My insurance really isn't that great at all, and I don't have enough disposable income for it, unfortunately. Sorry to hear OP you are hurting. I can relate. As far as pills. They do no work on someone that has been screwed around all their lives. I mean lets get real here. After having one knife in your heart after another, then there is not enough pills a person can take to fix the problem. I mean it is not like you take a pill and think. Well everything is fine now. That is not reality. L Let alone all the money that has been wasted. What a waste of time and money. Link to post Share on other sites
Leegh Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 It sounds as if you could have Anhedonia, which is a Greek word which means feeling no joy. There are many, many articles about it on-line. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
mea_M Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 "Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think." Buddha It is a choice. G This is spot on. It's all about our thoughts. If we change our thought process we can see the world from a different more positive perspective. Mea :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wasting Light Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 Well, yes, perhaps it is a "choice", but how do you choose to feel something that you don't know how to feel? I've tried plenty of times to convince myself to feel happy, and pretend that I do, and whatnot, but I really don't think I ever actually have. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts