Incapable of feeling "happiness"?

[CaliGypsy]

When I think about what makes me truly happy.. It's always about people.

 

 

It seems as if your life is lacking deep and meaningful personal relationships . Most people need people. Since you've gotten into this pattern of negative thinking it could be preventing the kinds of bonds that could bring happiness into your life. I guess that's part of why people suggest you get out and enjoy hobbies. It could be a way to connect with people.

 

Hang in there and keep trying . If something isn't working for you try something else.

[Wasting Light]

When I think about what makes me truly happy.. It's always about people.

 

 

It seems as if your life is lacking deep and meaningful personal relationships . Most people need people. Since you've gotten into this pattern of negative thinking it could be preventing the kinds of bonds that could bring happiness into your life. I guess that's part of why people suggest you get out and enjoy hobbies. It could be a way to connect with people.

 

Hang in there and keep trying . If something isn't working for you try something else.

 

That would be nice, having meaningful connections and relationships with people. I would love that. But I'm pretty sure I'm just not capable of connecting with people at this point. I've been trying for so long, and it's just not something I'm capable of, it seems.

[Wasting Light]

What things do you like to do?

 

I'm a bit of a nerd, to be honest. I like comic books and video games, and stuff like that. I like doing audio and video editing, and I have a website I run that's all about video games, but I basically just do it for fun, for myself, because pretty much no one actually visits my site or watches my content. Beyond that, there's really not much I have any kind of interest in.

 

What are you good at?

 

I really can't think of anything that I'd say I'm "good" at. Career-wise, I want to get into video production, maybe directing later on, so I'm pursuing an education in that, and I'm slowly getting better at it, but whether or not I'm "good" at it, I can't say.

 

Are you good at something you don't like to do?

 

Eh. Seems as though I'm good at doing the little, menial things no one else wants to do, that gets passed to me just to make me go away, like "Go type this up" or "Go clean this", or whatever.

 

Do you like helping other people?

Do you like helping children?

 

Not really, no. I don't mean that in a mean-spirited way, I don't have an issue being generous, but having worked in "customer service" for a long time, and encountered tons of different kinds of people (old, young, rich, poor, etc.), it's made me extra cynical and generally "burnt out" on working with the general public.

 

I really dislike children (at this point, I have no real interest in having any of my own), I really dislike the elderly, I'm not very open to working with the homeless... Not to mention, I'm a bit of a germaphobe/ clean freak, with a very weak stomach, as well as a high level of paranoia towards people I don't know very well. It's just not something I could really give myself to. I applaud those who do it, and I feel bad that I'm such a horrible person that I can't be open to it, but I just can't open myself to it.

[Wasting Light]

See, I think what I really can't get past is the simple fact that I'm "not good enough" for people. And I know some may try to dispute that notion, but I can only go by what the people in my life have demonstrated to me. I've tried my entire life to connect with people and have meaningful relationships with people, but I'm simply never good enough.

 

Peers have demonstrated to me that I'm not good enough. Coworkers have demonstrated to me that I'm not good enough. Classmates have demonstrated to me that I'm not good enough. Women have demonstrated to me that I'm not good enough. Other men have demonstrated to me that I'm not good enough. My own family has demonstrated to me that I'm not good enough. No matter how hard I try to make these connections with people, it just doesn't happen.

 

In a way, that's part of the reason I have no interest in volunteer work, because while a starving person may appreciate it if you provide them a meal, it's not about you, personally, it's about the gesture. You could interchange the person doing the good deed, and the appreciation would be the same. I've been that faceless person plenty of times in my life, who does something good, but flies under the radar on a personal level. It's much more of a challenge to gain personal acceptance from peers, and unfortunately, I seem to be incapable of doing that.

 

For a number of years, I gave up on people completely. I was basically just on autopilot, going through the motions of life. At some point, I got it in me that I wanted to try again, and I did try, I tried to connect with people, I tried to establish meaningful relationships. And again, I met the same failures I've always met.

 

At one point, I met the girl of my dreams. I was floored at how many qualities she had that I had always wanted in a partner. In the beginning, it really seemed like I had a shot with her, too. We hit it off really well, and I've never felt as connected to someone as I did with her. When I decided to pursue her, I was more "on point", more confident, more on top of my game, than I've ever been, because I was never more sure of anything in my life. But, unfortunately, it turned out that I wasn't "good enough" for her, either. It's been more than a year since this happened, and I haven't seen her in a long time now; I'm not so much hung up on her, at this point, as I am the fact that I met the most amazing girl I've ever met, and yet, I once again was "not good enough".

 

Since then, I've continued trying to connect with people, but it's continued to be one failure after the next. I just don't know what to do with myself, at this point. I can feel myself slipping back into that mindset of just being on "autopilot", and that bums me out, because looking back, I hated when I was in that phase. I don't want to go there again, but I don't know what else I can do. No matter who I turn to, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I push myself out of my comfort zone, I'm simply "not good enough".

 

I think this ties into my inability to ever really feel "happy", because I've felt like this ("not good enough") for as long as I can remember. I fully understand that you shouldn't base your happiness on external validation, but on the flip side, I think being completely incapable of receiving any external validation at all is very detrimental to one's ability to be happy.

[Aedra]

I feel like everything you wrote described me 100%. Heck I had to reread it twice because it was so accurate to my own life too just change the gender. I am a nerd too and I pretty much spend all my free time playing MMORPGs, browsing game-related sites or digital art related ones. This is something I am very careful to hide to most people I know in real life, at least the MMORPG part and how much I prefer to do that over partying and socializing with women I have nothing in common with. But I am coming to that point...I just hate caring. You shouldn't have to care. The people who laugh at you and think you're a dork can go eat it, really.

 

Also met the guy of my dreams I thought a while back a few years ago, but he dumped me like I was trash and found a prettier girl who had her life together. And I understand that feeling so much...feeling you are not good enough and feeling its so hard to be happy. It's like I'm in this constant flat mood. I can go out and exercise, do something I supposedly enjoy, eat something I like...but its always the same.

 

I don't claim to have any answers, but I think for people like us it has to come from self-acceptance more then anything else and finding the right people to connect with is hard, but its part of human happiness. The stress of not being comfortable with yourself just eats at you and contributes to unhappiness greatly. And realizing everybody is pretty much screwed up, the only difference is how well they hide it to the world relieves some burden. Much harder said then done, but I think its the truth.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Aedra

[Wasting Light]

You shouldn't have to care. The people who laugh at you and think you're a dork can go eat it, really.

 

Well, see, that's not really much of a factor to me at all. I don't feel like anyone is "laughing" at me, or anything like that. It's not a matter of being self-conscious, and worrying what people think of me for being the way I am.

 

I just feel... well, bad, that I'm "not good enough" for anyone. I've watched, my entire life, as people around me bonded and connected with each other. I've watched, for the last 10-ish years of my life as people around me dated, and experienced love, affection, and intimacy. And it just pains me so much to always be on the outside looking in.

 

It bothers me, on a deep level, that I'll never get to know what any of that is like. I'll never know what it's like to have people WANT to spend time with me, WANT to talk to me, WANT to be around me, WANT to go places and do things with me, I'll never know what it feels like to be loved, to be valued, I'll never know what it feels like to have someone around that's committed to me, I'll never know what it feels like to have affection and intimacy with another person. That's just... sad. Devastating, really.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Heh, makes me chuckle when "normal" people say happiness is a choice.

 

Some people just have disorders that make happiness a pipe dream. I have ADD, Avoidant Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality disorder. I'm not crazy or unintelligent, just emotionally weak and different than "normal" people on many levels. I'm almost positive that genetics plays more of a role than anything else, if conditions aren't unusually traumatic.

 

I've never been truly happy. Even during the best times of my life, I was always miserable, always had a little rain-cloud following me around drenching only me (or those willing to stand under it with me).

 

It sucks growing up while watching people be happy, participating, fitting in, etc.

 

Sorry, but I doubt there is much you can do without really working towards it. Even then, you will probably get very bored working towards it. I get that "I don't care" feeling even after being excited about a new project. Self-help, meditation, yoga... bugger it all. After a while of any of that, I start to feel distress. Every time, my whole life (am 37).

 

Medication has proven useless (I've tried it all). Talk therapy has been useless (more than one therapist discontinued our sessions because they could not help me at all). After that, there is CBT and DBT but you have to be committed and do the work. It makes me cringe to think about.

 

I have to keep cycling through my usual distractions to keep me from being stir-crazy and to keep me from being constantly aware of the melancholy. I've spent my life finding pleasures in whatever I could. Vices, entertainment, whatever gets me going at the moment.

 

If I ever do attain some happiness, I spend too much energy trying to minimize threats to that happiness instead of basking in it, which just creates more problems when you start getting controlling. Reducing threats means controlling something or another. Slippery slope.

 

Jeebus, can you hear the violins? So, yeah... basically just accept it and make the most out of it, or work really ****ing hard, for a really ****ing long time for that slim chance that you could feel like a "normal" person.

[dichotomy]

A wise man who published the book "A road less traveled" said something along the lines of "Life is difficult, failure to accept this, is the basis for many mental illness. Once you accept life is difficult, it no longer matters"

 

For me - I am content to be content ....with the occasional brief bout of happiness.

 

I really do know unhappiness and depression - pain, illness, loss of loved ones, worry over money, anxiety, anger, fear, family un-wellness or hurts, and stress,....and the absence of those truly depressing and unhappy states, leads to a more neutral state for me (contentment, stability, comfort?) over being I suppose "happy". Making a difference in the world, also beings contentment (peace?) over what I would term happiness. My children do bring the most happiness events because I am good at living vicariously through others and when they have - joy if only briefly - I can feel it.

 

Oh and people who say money does not make you happy - ya ok I guess, but lets just say that while money might not make you happy..... for me it does a GREAT job at keeping me from being unhappy.

 

I still do rely more than I should on what other people think of me, but heck of a lot less than I used to. Also by being involved in many things in life - and helping many people - I help dilute the affect one person or group's view of me might have.

 

Perhaps you could stop focusing on the lack of unhappiness in your life - and try to take the first step of working on the depression and unhappiness - to move to a center position - of being at peace or content enough? Just a thought.

Edited April 14, 2014 by dichotomy

[M30USA]

Three of the greatest human beings in history were chronically depressed and unhappy:

 

1) Abraham Lincoln

2) Charles Spurgeon (My favorite minister/pastor of the last 200 years)

3) Jesus

 

Oftentimes, sadness goes hand in hand with living a life of truth. But the Bible says that God's grace is sufficient for us, even with depression and disease.

Edited April 14, 2014 by M30USA

[Johnson1]

I've always been a sad, lonely, miserable kind of guy, and it occurred to me recently that I don't think I've ever really truly felt "happiness". If someone asked me to recall the happiest memories of my life, I'd essentially be at a loss. I really can't remember anything that made me feel truly "happy".

 

On top of that, I can sometimes find things that I SHOULD feel happy about, and I know that I should feel happy, but I just... don't. Like, a year or so ago, I finally discovered what kind of career I'd like to pursue, which was a big deal, because I wasted years not being able to figure that out; when I first figured it out, I basically felt good and I had taken some steps to start pursuing a proper education for it, but now, I almost feel like I just don't care.

 

Even with the little things, I never quite feel "happy"; like, I have some little hobbies that I say that I like, yet I just never really feel interested in partaking in them. I WANT to like them, but I just feel indifferent.

 

And this is basically how I am towards everything. Even when there is something good that I SHOULD be happy about, I just... can't feel it. I think I've been able to "pretend" to be happy in the past, trying to convince myself that it was true, but I just don't think I've ever actually felt it.

 

I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm simply not capable of feeling happiness.

 

I feel the same way now that I decided to separate from my ex after being together for 30 years. I'm wondering what I have left to give that anyone would want. I keep questioning whether or not I am datable and worthy of someone else' love and attention. Being in a loveless marriage for so long has made me think so low of myself that I feel I've forgotten how to love and what it's like to be happy. I can remember feeling happy and content 20 years ago. Not anymore. Now I'm worried that I'll never feel that way again and that I'll end up dying alone, broke and miserable.

[Aedra]

A wise man who published the book "A road less traveled" said something along the lines of "Life is difficult, failure to accept this, is the basis for many mental illness. Once you accept life is difficult, it no longer matters"

 

For me - I am content to be content ....with the occasional brief bout of happiness.

 

I really do know unhappiness and depression - pain, illness, loss of loved ones, worry over money, anxiety, anger, fear, family un-wellness or hurts, and stress,....and the absence of those truly depressing and unhappy states, leads to a more neutral state for me (contentment, stability, comfort?) over being I suppose "happy". Making a difference in the world, also beings contentment (peace?) over what I would term happiness. My children do bring the most happiness events because I am good at living vicariously through others and when they have - joy if only briefly - I can feel it.

 

Oh and people who say money does not make you happy - ya ok I guess, but lets just say that while money might not make you happy..... for me it does a GREAT job at keeping me from being unhappy.

 

I still do rely more than I should on what other people think of me, but heck of a lot less than I used to. Also by being involved in many things in life - and helping many people - I help dilute the affect one person or group's view of me might have.

 

Perhaps you could stop focusing on the lack of unhappiness in your life - and try to take the first step of working on the depression and unhappiness - to move to a center position - of being at peace or content enough? Just a thought.

 

Such wise words, can't help but agree. But there's always this niggling feeling in the back of my mind, personally, that I'm being an under-achiever and lazy for not taking control of my environment and leading the life I want. It's what I've been raised to believe. Because all the people I know that really get what they want...they really grab life and push it to where they want, but I notice it frequently makes people sociopathic and self-absorbed in the process. People value money, success, initiative and people who overcome their short-comings. Ah life is such a confusing mess. It's hard to know what the right way to anything is half the time. You are right though, life is basically unhappiness and difficulty most of the time. We just need to accept its really how it is, as painful as it is.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Aedra