Just need to hear from somebody

[digger]

After months of begging and struggle, I have now gone almost 2 months with absolutely NC. Not since Thanksgiving when i sent the EW a little gift. I swore

that none of what i was doing was doing me any good so Ive disappeared. My daughter, at Xmas, told me, "my relationship with mom isnt what it used to be. We rarely talk and when we do-you just cant tell her anything".

Sounds to me (albeit I may be wrong) that she may not be so happy after all. Maybe shes thinking she made a mistake. My mom seems to think (and parents are usually wise) that she'll pick up the phone and call me and ask a little something about the house, or taxes or something. Just find an excuse to call me maybe. But (from mom) DONT YOU DARE CALL HER!!!

But 2 months into the NC (hoping shes lonely) I have people telling me that if I want a chance I should show it somehow. Not to act like I dont care. Now after hearing that I dont know which way is up. Which way is up? Am I on the right trak or not?

[Scott S]

Struggle indeed. Divorce is one of the most painful experiences someone can go through. It is not clear to me how someone like Elizabeth Taylor can have so many. Clearly some differences of opinion & feelings about marriage & relationships.

 

Like you, she is making adjustments to a new lifestyle. She is single again, a single parent, etc. As I recall from your earlier posts, your split was rather acrimonious. It’s difficult to say how she feels about that. She may have some regret about how the split took place, although without necessarily regretting the split itself. Or not.

 

Your daughter is growing, of course, & as she becomes an adolescent, the parent-child relationship changes, & there are times of considerable tension & conflict. Her mother/your ex undoubtedly feels she can’t tell her daughter anything either.

 

In any event, maintaining NC is the right, if difficult thing to do. Your mother is absolutely correct. Unless you have a very compelling reason, & in that case, any contact is best done through your attorney.

 

Your wounds will heal with time. It took a few years for mine to heal, but they finally did. So will you!

[Yikes]

Digger,

 

I also agree with the NC approach. And yes, time heals all wounds... unless you pick at them!

[MassiveAtom]

Was thinking about you digger,

 

Good to see you're hanging in there.

 

I'm two excruciating days into NC, I have to learn to accept that I will NEVER get an answer to why my wife left, and thought it was a good thing for everyone. I'm torn between hating and loveing, and ometimes I'm just aware that she still exists.

 

Scott, yeah, this is easily the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

 

like never before

 

MA

[digger]

thanks for the post scott and thanks for the support atom. Atom you and i sound exactly in the same situation. I love your letter 'SITTING HERE LOSING IT" because it6 mirrors my feelings exactly. Even thot of retyping it and leaving it on her doorstep--but that would be breaking NC wouldnt it? Not to mention plagerism lol.

I just hope not all is lost. I really think something got into her then need to be worked out. Im hoping the more she sits alone the more she has time to think.

My daughter telling me that even SHE cant talk to her anymore leads me to believe that she may be upset and frustrated that she let it go this far..that we did share

love for each other but that maybe after the things shes said and done, she cant possibly come up to me and say "lets try'. I could kick my ass now for that day last Feb. when she said to me, "can we talk"? I let my pride get in the way and I poo-pooed her. And i paid the ultimate price. Can people change? Yeah albeit to late. But if i ever get another chance, I'll never be the guy to her I was. Shes right. I never listened.

[mourningMM]

I understand the need for NC..but I don't understand how the two of you can continue to parent your daughter effectively (especially through adolescence) without building a new and different kind of relationship.

 

Believe me when I say learning to team with my ex SUCKS...because if he had put this much effort into saving the marriage, we'd still be together.

 

But that is water under the bridge, he and the OW are engaged.

 

Right now I have to focus on the welfare of my children. And part of that is being able to have a focused and animosity-free conversation on topics like school work, grades, friendships my kids are entering into, drugs, alcohol, emotional issues, growth issues, life issues, health issues and the list goes on. Both parents have to be able to exchange information on these areas FOR THE REST OF THEIR CHILDREN's LIVES (and if you are lucky grandchildren's).

 

Building a co-parenting relationship is more important than using NC to show your ex the error of her ways. It is a responsibility you both have that you can still keep even though you both could not keep the marriage together.

 

My $.02.

[Yikes]

When kids are involved, you always need to have some sort of contact. I find it best to keep any contact about the well being of the kids only. I have enough things that I need to get past with her, the less contact the better for me.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Yikes

I have enough things that I need to get past with her, the less contact the better for me.

 

Excellent point.

[digger]

Im not sure where this turned. I have begged and pleaded for my daughter to call me--i have called her often. We talk. Not once does she make an effort to come see me or wanna even go to a movie with me. Its as if on Xmas--all she saw me for was to recieve her presents. Then while shes visiting me at my folks, her mother calls and says to her--we're opening our presents here, (at her mothers) are u coming?. U think she could have waited and given us more than 3 hours together???

My EW has not once contacted me for anything. I would assume there might be something going on in my childs "school life" that she would want to discuss.

Oh yeah i forgot. Last year when we were married-a teacher called my daughter a whore and my wife went in to "lay down the law". I found out about it 3 wks later. And I'm the one???

[Yikes]

No you are not the only one.

 

A couple of weeks back my EW gave me 5 hours notice of a parent teacher meeting. She booked the appointment for an evening that she knew I was busy (maybe she had no choice - I don't know). She could have given me plenty of notice and I'd have changed my schedule so I could attend. The part that is frustrating is I wouldn't even book a parent - teacher meeting without consulting her first to see what her schedule was like, and if I HAD to book something, I'd let her know immediately to give her time to adjust her schedule if it was required.

 

First-off, a teacher should not be behaving that way and should be reprimanded. Secondly, your wife should be keeping you in the loop about all things pertaining to your daughter. How would she like it if the situation was reversed?

 

If both parties are respectful of the other, there should be few problems. That said, if both parties always treated each other with respect, then none of us would be in this mess in the first place.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Yikes

If both parties are respectful of the other, there should be few problems. That said, if both parties always treated each other with respect, then none of us would be in this mess in the first place.

 

There are many reasons for doing this, most of them having to do with wanting to get back at the other in whatever way. Unfortunately, they almost always fail to consider the best interests of the children involved, which is, or should be the paramount issue.