iris219 Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Is there a polite way to ask for money in lieu of wedding gifts? I'm not registering anywhere. We definitely don't want or need any stuff. How do you ask guests, if they would like to give a gift, to give money instead of a blender or some other item we don't want? Where would I alert people that a monetary gift is preferred? Can you include a message in the invitation or save the date cards? (I went to wedding two years ago where the couple set up a pay pal account, but I don't remember how they alerted guests to this. I found this was much easier than having to pick out a gift.) Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 No, there is no polite way to tell people how to spend their hard earned money on you. If fact, there is no polite way to ask for gifts, period. If someone wants to get you something, they will. You job is to be gracious and to write a thank you card in a timely matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I have saved a wedding invitation where, after the invitation of the time and place etc was written, there was written "Gift lists: National Bank - Account Number bla bla". I'm planning to do the same when I get married. I know most people won't bother to go to the bank and make money deposit, but I will give the impression that I'm not interested in stupid gifts, so maybe they'll give me money instead in an envelope or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted March 15, 2014 Author Share Posted March 15, 2014 No, there is no polite way to tell people how to spend their hard earned money on you. If fact, there is no polite way to ask for gifts, period. If someone wants to get you something, they will. You job is to be gracious and to write a thank you card in a timely matter. I don't want people to spend their hard earned money on stuff I can't use. If people ask, is it OK to say "no gifts please, but you can give money if you'd like"? I have saved a wedding invitation where, after the invitation of the time and place etc was written, there was written "Gift lists: National Bank - Account Number bla bla". I'm planning to do the same when I get married. I know most people won't bother to go to the bank and make money deposit, but I will give the impression that I'm not interested in stupid gifts, so maybe they'll give me money instead in an envelope or something. If seems asking for money is becoming more and more common, especially with people cohabitating before marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 It is definitely more common to ask for money now, though I don't like it at all. We did no list, until the month before the big day and only when we'd been asked so many times that we cobbled one together. On it, because we'd only moved a few weeks prior, we included DIY store vouchers as we had a ton of refurb/redecorating to do and quite a few people (mostly our age who'd move house fairly recently too) liked that option. I think we ended up with £200 of vouchers, all of which went on floor varnish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted March 15, 2014 Author Share Posted March 15, 2014 It is definitely more common to ask for money now, though I don't like it at all. Really? I like it. It makes my life so much easier when a couple requests money. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) I always look at it as rather rude, but I'm also an older guy and those values are molded in me and not so with it today... My wife had a friend that used the honeyfund webpage and we contributed to their needs, it was easier than a gift and at least they got what they were wanting. Edited March 15, 2014 by Art_Critic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 If you don't register for gifts somewhere, many will give money by default. I would. Others will still give a gift, because they want to give a gift. And no, there is no proper way to request that they give you money instead. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 If people ask, is it OK to say "no gifts please, but you can give money if you'd like"? NOOOOOOO... But you can say, "In lieu of gifts, please donate to our favorite charity...." Asking for money is crass. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I don't want people to spend their hard earned money on stuff I can't use. If people ask, is it OK to say "no gifts please, but you can give money if you'd like"? If seems asking for money is becoming more and more common, especially with people cohabitating before marriage. No. If you asked me that, I would decline your invitation to your wedding and not get you a darned thing. After that, we'd "lose touch" because I was under the impression that I was your friend, not a walking credit card. Just because a lot of people are doing something, doesn't mean it isn't tacky or rude. Other rude people won't bat an eye, but I guarantee that anyone of your friends/family with class or manners will side eye you big time if you do this. Seriously, consult ANY etiquette book. What you are trying to do is considered a MAJOR breach. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Really? I like it. It makes my life so much easier when a couple requests money. Makes me feel like you could be paying their electricity bill. Or paying for your meal at the wedding. I like gifts that last and mean something. I have things from when I married first time 18 years ago and I think of the giver fondly. I am a bit more comfortable with honeymoon treats, as those memories/photos will last for ever. But I want to see it go on a 'thing' (experience/trip) not just in a honeymoon fund that means you might be paying their airport parking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted March 15, 2014 Author Share Posted March 15, 2014 NOOOOOOO... But you can say, "In lieu of gifts, please donate to our favorite charity...." Asking for money is crass. I'd rather give money to the couple, unless they were clearly so wealthy it didn't matter. I am a bit more comfortable with honeymoon treats, as those memories/photos will last for ever. But I want to see it go on a 'thing' (experience/trip) not just in a honeymoon fund that means you might be paying their airport parking. I went to a wedding where they had a honeymoon fund and I was happy to contribute. She's a teacher and he's a firefighter, so I knew they didn't have a lot of extra money. I had no idea some people were so sensitive about giving money. I LIKE giving money because I feel like I've given them something I know they will use. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I think it's very tacky to ask for cash gifts. I know people will write "no boxed gifts, please" on invitations and it really rubs me the wrong way. Then again, a lot of people have no problem asking for people to contribute to honeymoon funds and the like, so maybe it's becoming more socially acceptable. IMO it's rude though, I'd never do it and I'd be turned off if I received such an invitation. What you should do is not register and then let your closest family member know you are hoping for gift cards/cash....maybe guests will ask around to find out what you want and will get the info that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 People give money at weddings as normal practice. It is unnecessary to ask for money. What you are wanting to do is tell people who'd prefer to give a gift to give you money. That's inappropriate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I have saved a wedding invitation where, after the invitation of the time and place etc was written, there was written "Gift lists: National Bank - Account Number bla bla". I'm planning to do the same when I get married. I know most people won't bother to go to the bank and make money deposit, but I will give the impression that I'm not interested in stupid gifts, so maybe they'll give me money instead in an envelope or something. "Stupid gifts". Wow. Make sure you do that tacky thing where everyone pays a dollar to dance with you in your stupid gown too. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I'd rather give money to the couple, unless they were clearly so wealthy it didn't matter. I went to a wedding where they had a honeymoon fund and I was happy to contribute. She's a teacher and he's a firefighter, so I knew they didn't have a lot of extra money. I had no idea some people were so sensitive about giving money. I LIKE giving money because I feel like I've given them something I know they will use. Well, that's YOU. Is everyone coming to your wedding exactly like you? Only clones of yourself invited? No? Then why risk offending people you propose to care about with such a classless, tacky, greedy request? Is the money more important than your relationship with these people? Seriously, read ANY etiquette book. Better yet, go post this question on an etiquette forum. They will rip you to pieces and sop you up with a biscuit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted March 15, 2014 Author Share Posted March 15, 2014 Our wedding will be mostly family. They'll be ok with giving money. My FI's grandparents, for example, never buy gifts for any holiday. On Christmas we all sat around while they handed us bank envelopes with cash in them, which I had never experienced before but found amusing. They were no presents under the tree! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Is there a polite way to ask for money in lieu of wedding gifts? I'm not registering anywhere. We definitely don't want or need any stuff. How do you ask guests, if they would like to give a gift, to give money instead of a blender or some other item we don't want? Where would I alert people that a monetary gift is preferred? Can you include a message in the invitation or save the date cards? (I went to wedding two years ago where the couple set up a pay pal account, but I don't remember how they alerted guests to this. I found this was much easier than having to pick out a gift.) Of course you CAN write it on the invitation or spread the word through close friends & family. You can set up a pay pal account. There is also some way you can set up a HM fund so your guests pay for your dream vacation you cannot otherwise afford. While you can do all of that, none of it is polite & doing so is tacky & looks like a giant money / gift grab. On spec, the one time I was invited to a wedding like that I declined & didn't even bother to send a gift. Your wedding is supposed to be about your marriage -- a lifetime commitment. The fact that your family & friends CHOOSE to share their largess with you never means that you get to dictate the terms of what they have to give you. They aren't obligated to do a thing for you. Proceed with your plan at your own risk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Our wedding will be mostly family. They'll be ok with giving money. My FI's grandparents, for example, never buy gifts for any holiday. On Christmas we all sat around while they handed us bank envelopes with cash in them, which I had never experienced before but found amusing. They were no presents under the tree! Then let them give you money of their own volition. I ALSO tend to give people a couple of hundred dollars for weddings or other major events. But I do so out of the goodness of my heart....not because I was ordered to by some greedy bride. Like I said, the second you blatantly TELL me to give you money, my gift is no longer a gift. It's an invoice or the "price of admission" to your wedding. And we are no longer friends. I am just your walking talking credit card. That doesn't sit well well with me, so I'd decline. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 You could just have a Chinese-themed wedding. They don't give gifts at all! You just get tons of red envelopes containing enough money to cover the cost of each person at the reception... which is 50-150 per person typically No, I don't actually expect you to do that. The point of saying this is illustrating the fact that different cultures and people consider different things acceptable. OP, you know your attendees better than anyone else. If you don't think they will be offended, then just make a note at the foot of the invitation stating that you don't have a registry but people can make deposits to your account. When my husband and I got married, we had tons of people asking about our wedding registry. I just decided to informally send a Facebook message and let them know that there wasn't one, but if they felt so inclined, they could get us something off our baby registry. Nobody felt offended and we got a lot of things we actually needed To each their own. This isn't the 50s anymore... it's your wedding: do whatever you want! -A 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author iris219 Posted March 15, 2014 Author Share Posted March 15, 2014 To clarify: I don't care if people give us anything. I'd rather they give nothing than waste their money on stuff we won't ever use. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 If you're saying the fam all gives cash anyway then why do you need to specify it's what you want? Just don't register. People will figure it out and if you end up with some toasters or blenders is it really the end of the world?! Return them for gift cards after the fact, don't demand that people aren't allowed to buy you a gift! no matter how you spin it or how popular it's getting, it's rude. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 To clarify: I don't care if people give us anything. I'd rather they give nothing than waste their money on stuff we won't ever use. That's fine. You are also right that it's easier to give money. I think most people give money. I was actually shocked at the # of gifts we got. Our point though is that you cannot politely tell people to give you money. Point blank making that preference known is rude. FWIW, most people give gifts with the receipt. It's a bigger p.i.t.a. but you can always return the stuff & take the money or the store credit. But do not outright ask. It's vulgar. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I'd rather give money to the couple, unless they were clearly so wealthy it didn't matter. Yeah - but you are the one who is here, asking if it is okay and the preponderance of responses is that it is not. Wealth should not matter when worthy charities are in desperate need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Making any mention of gifts at all, particularly on a wedding invitation, is rude to me. If you don't register I'm sure most people will get the idea. If you create a wedding website, you could mayyyyyybe put something discreet about it on there, but I personally wouldn't even do that. Like I said, if you guys don't register, most people are going to get the hint. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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