Does indifference attract women?

[irc333]

I have a male friend of mine, late 40's, claims one of the women he's dated was into him because he was indifferent. I got an idea of what that means, but basically compared to other men in our social circle, he was least to really approach her at bare minimum or didn't really ask questions about her. Just mainly keeping it light and small talk.

 

Since I know him well, I would watch him and he'd just mainly sit on the sidelines talking to other men if it's a woman its only happenstance she shows up next to him and really just talk about whatever is going on in the present moment.

 

Questions personal in nature would come up organically and usually at a later time at future events she would happen to be at. He isn't much for bombarding a women with "getting to know you questions", but mostly about whatever is happening currently...usually within the room or the event itself.

 

He said instead of sitting with the rest of the group, he'd be the only one that would sit up alone at the bar. He rarely introduced himself or took initiative to get to know anyone. (I find that a bit odd though, as some may think of him as a snob or socially inept).

 

Others might find him "mysterious" at least that's how HE sees it.

 

I attempted do the same thing. While women would be out there dancing, they'd approach me and him and ask, "So why aren't you guys dancing??" sometimes we'd even get asked to dance. *indifferent shrug* Go figure, right?

 

Not necessarily my comfort zone to appear "indifferent" as I tend to be more engaging. So the idea of attracting women by those means, even if it was successful, isn't my thing.

 

I hope I described this as best as I could. I was wondering if indifference attract women and would what I described above does attract women?

 

Of course responses from the ladies on here may be biased or not accurate, I was wondering what the men here think?

[Grumpybutfun]

In my experience, this does ring true. However, indifference seemed to attract people pleasers, insecure wallflowers, the dark holes of neediness, game players, girls with daddy issues due to abandonment, and people I had no interest in. Any woman who was healthy and confident simply didn't want some guy who was indifferent so if any warm body will do, this might be a tactic.

G

[carhill]

Women dated him because he was attractive. If he was married, then his relative 'indifference' would apparently be one aspect of his personality his spouse either found attractive or, on balance, accepted in light of his other attractive aspects.

 

Simple answer: If she likes you, your indifference *may* play into that mix. By itself, it's nothing more (or less) than indifference. Indifference doesn't get interviews or dates; *attractiveness* gets them. Rinse and repeat for any other *discrete* aspect of personality or behavior.

 

IME, speaking solely for myself, indifference, and I mean polite indifference, has been/is a wonderful way to remain single and alone, for *me*. For another man, the result could be completely *different*.

[topaMAXX]

Honestly, I've never met any guy that attracted women with true indifference (ie: never approaching at all, never talking, etc). I've had some VERY good looking guy friends and not one gets girls with total indifference (either, it is because of their looks and/or their fun personality and/or their intelligence, etc).

 

I think your friend does much more behind the scenes work with these girls than he lets on.

 

If girls just cold approach you when you're standing around at bars, well, this CAN happen. But you'll generally only do well if you go somewhere with it. It's much more effective to have and approach them.

 

Also, the indifference thing will only attract certain types of girls and the girls that you are attracting are out of your control. If you take a proactive approach, you have a better shot at getting the girls that you actually want.

[Weezy1973]

Indifference works in the sense that not caring whether a particular woman is interested in you or not will naturally let one's true personality shine through. If you're not 'putting on an act' to try to make somebody like you, it's easier to relax, be funny, engage in conversation etc.

 

Not caring (truly not caring, not acting like you don't care) what others think, and just being your true authentic self will tend to attract people.

[irc333]

Actually, not caring about a particular outcome is what would be attractive. It seems people approach inadvertently with an agenda with a preconceived notion of an outcome. If one doesn't expect any kind of outcome, they have peace within themselves.

 

 

 

Indifference works in the sense that not caring whether a particular woman is interested in you or not will naturally let one's true personality shine through. If you're not 'putting on an act' to try to make somebody like you, it's easier to relax, be funny, engage in conversation etc.

 

Not caring (truly not caring, not acting like you don't care) what others think, and just being your true authentic self will tend to attract people.

[MidwestUSA]

"Of course responses from the ladies on here may be biased or not accurate, I was wondering what the men here think?"

 

 

 

So you dismiss, up front, any input from the very group you're trying to figure out/attract?

[carhill]

Actually, not caring about a particular outcome is what would be attractive. It seems people approach inadvertently with an agenda with a preconceived notion of an outcome. If one doesn't expect any kind of outcome, they have peace within themselves.

That's what I meant about 'polite indifference'. Enjoy the moment and the interaction for what it is, without projection or outcome dependency. That's what kept me alone for many years while the men with an agenda, a plan, a method and clear actions on those aspects succeeded, with the *same* women. I used to blame myself, then came to understand it had nothing to do with me or my polite indifference, rather than those particular women found those particular men *attractive*. To this day, I watch who gravitates to this 'vibe' and, predominantly, it's married women. This, too, is unremarkable, since the vast majority of women I interact with are married. It was more remarkable in younger years when a small percentage of women met were indeed unmarried, though many were in relationships.

 

By 'polite indifference' I mean a thought process which focuses on person as one of billions and without traditional gender-focused sexual thoughts, behaviors, words or actions, and with no expectation nor thoughts of 'will she 'like' me?'.

 

Now, if 'indifference' is being defined as flirting with women without caring about them personally or what their relationship status is or what the outcome is, that's a different kettle of fish and outside of my experience so I can't comment on it.

 

 

Regarding the OP's preference for the opinions of men, while women's opinions are valued as singular responses, some/many males have pursued dozens to thousands of women (I fall somewhere in the middle) and some have been married/LTR to/with one or more women so have more experience to offer from more datapoints/experiences as a man who interacts with women romantically throughout his life.

 

IME, my 'luck' with women changed when I stopped listening to the well-intentioned advice of my female friends, whom I loved dearly, and started watching what successful men did and listened to *their* advice. Pragmatism; learned it late.

[irc333]

"Of course responses from the ladies on here may be biased or not accurate, I was wondering what the men here think?"

 

 

 

So you dismiss, up front, any input from the very group you're trying to figure out/attract?

 

Yeah, I'm confused, too. lol I feel like Morpheus when he says, "Fate, as one would have it, is without its own sense of irony."

[irc333]

Carhill, you're posts are engaging and so eloquently put. You're good at explaining what I AM trying to explain which leads us to the same page.

 

Thank you on that, Carhill. :-)

 

A couple of weeks ago, I believe I had "plateaued" to that level of "polite indifference. And the outcome, which can now be observed in hindsight has come to be realized and now explained.

 

Funny how Matrix analogies seem to tie into these posts, eh? lol I feel like I'm having a conversation with The Architect of The Matrix (though the conversation is internal).

 

Like Neo, I'm at the "X" amount of attempts to achieve solace within myself and sometimes find myself here, in these post, using verbiage that I hadn't used before to explain myself and my experiences.

 

But I am going off tangent here. Like I said, I had plateaued to the point where my "polite indifference" had brought me to a NEW epiphany.

 

I brought and made something from scratch, and the host commended me on it, said, "A woman just loves a man who can cook!" She's a lovely woman, she's older has a great boyfriend (I like him, too). I think she's attempting to be a wingwoman of sorts and has deemed me a very sweet guy that any woman that would have me, will be a lucky woman.

 

I felt good hearing that.

 

The female homeowner concurred and her +1 female friend adored the heck out of me after a very long in-depth experience about her experience with the death of loved ones and how as 35 years as a nurse she's come akin to many encounters of "awakenings" being held in hospitals.

 

The conversation was intimate, but not in a romantic way, but a spiritual way. I had opened up to a complete stranger and by the end of the evening, she grew to like me quickly, she's older too, mid 50's, beautiful smile and kind eyes.

 

The photographer had wanted to get our picture taken together...so instead of a standard "single arm around each other's waist/back" she held me from the side in a warm embrace....I wasn't expecting that.

 

At the end of the evening she gave me a big hug and said I was such a sweet heart.

 

I never felt so good coming out of that party, I cherished that moment. I was thinking "Man, I'm not going to ruin all this by asking someone out!" LOL And laughed to myself.

 

 

 

 

That's what I meant about 'polite indifference'. Enjoy the moment and the interaction for what it is, without projection or outcome dependency. That's what kept me alone for many years while the men with an agenda, a plan, a method and clear actions on those aspects succeeded, with the *same* women. I used to blame myself, then came to understand it had nothing to do with me or my polite indifference, rather than those particular women found those particular men *attractive*. To this day, I watch who gravitates to this 'vibe' and, predominantly, it's married women. This, too, is unremarkable, since the vast majority of women I interact with are married. It was more remarkable in younger years when a small percentage of women met were indeed unmarried, though many were in relationships.

 

By 'polite indifference' I mean a thought process which focuses on person as one of billions and without traditional gender-focused sexual thoughts, behaviors, words or actions, and with no expectation nor thoughts of 'will she 'like' me?'.

 

Now, if 'indifference' is being defined as flirting with women without caring about them personally or what their relationship status is or what the outcome is, that's a different kettle of fish and outside of my experience so I can't comment on it.

 

 

Regarding the OP's preference for the opinions of men, while women's opinions are valued as singular responses, some/many males have pursued dozens to thousands of women (I fall somewhere in the middle) and some have been married/LTR to/with one or more women so have more experience to offer from more datapoints/experiences as a man who interacts with women romantically throughout his life.

 

IME, my 'luck' with women changed when I stopped listening to the well-intentioned advice of my female friends, whom I loved dearly, and started watching what successful men did and listened to *their* advice. Pragmatism; learned it late.

[irc333]

Wow...no follow-up to the last post. lol

[zebracolors]

More likely to push me away if it felt like he was indifferent. and if it felt like that, why should I invest emotion in him?

[NYC-BigKat]

I have a male friend of mine, late 40's, claims one of the women he's dated was into him because he was indifferent. I got an idea of what that means, but basically compared to other men in our social circle, he was least to really approach her at bare minimum or didn't really ask questions about her. Just mainly keeping it light and small talk.

 

Since I know him well, I would watch him and he'd just mainly sit on the sidelines talking to other men if it's a woman its only happenstance she shows up next to him and really just talk about whatever is going on in the present moment.

 

Questions personal in nature would come up organically and usually at a later time at future events she would happen to be at. He isn't much for bombarding a women with "getting to know you questions", but mostly about whatever is happening currently...usually within the room or the event itself.

 

He said instead of sitting with the rest of the group, he'd be the only one that would sit up alone at the bar. He rarely introduced himself or took initiative to get to know anyone. (I find that a bit odd though, as some may think of him as a snob or socially inept).

 

Others might find him "mysterious" at least that's how HE sees it.

 

I attempted do the same thing. While women would be out there dancing, they'd approach me and him and ask, "So why aren't you guys dancing??" sometimes we'd even get asked to dance. *indifferent shrug* Go figure, right?

 

Not necessarily my comfort zone to appear "indifferent" as I tend to be more engaging. So the idea of attracting women by those means, even if it was successful, isn't my thing.

 

I hope I described this as best as I could. I was wondering if indifference attract women and would what I described above does attract women?

 

Of course responses from the ladies on here may be biased or not accurate, I was wondering what the men here think?

 

 

My uncle pulls this stuff out like a genius u know . I tried to do this but it just doesn't work for me. I think it all depends on the type I guess. I don't at all fit that kind of stuff so I just don't try it. My uncle hardly says much to girls but he stands around so cool & it just works so great for him. Jealous.

[FitChick]

If a man is indifferent, I assume he isn't interested and move on to someone who expresses interest in me. Why would I waste my time?

[tbf]

There's correlation between married women approaching and indifference. The commitment phobic attract the commitment phobic since it's the perpetual chase where the hunter has no fear that the prey will stop running.

 

As far as not being interested in female responses, LS has no gender restrictions on thread posting. With this in mind, my advice is that if you're already not attractive to a lot of women, pretending indifference won't help. It's just one less man that the women you're attracted to, have to fend off.

[whirl3daway]

I'll respond to this differently than some of the other women in this thread, even though you profess indifference to my opinion

 

I had a rough childhood, and am forever invested in trying to make myself a better person because of it. AKA - I have daddy issues, and insecurity although I fight those feelings.

 

I have often been sucked in by the siren song of indifferent dudes. Something about having to fight for a man's affections resonates deeply with me. My childhood revolved around trying to get an unengaged and narcissistic father to love me - it feels most "at home" for me to get involved with this sort of person.

 

The mystery, the sense of "winning" when you do break through, it licks childhood wounds for many of us. It's terrible for relationships though. After a few bad choices in partners, you start to realize that.

 

I would not suggest getting involved with a woman like this.

[L1ght]

Interesting topic. I think if a guy is indifferent to an attractive woman then the chances are he is probably already committed or he has other things on his mind than pursuing a ladies affections at that moment in time.

I think women do automatically give a guy who doesn't drool over them more respect than a guy who does. I'm not an attractive woman though so I can only guess what its like to have numerous members of the opposite sex drool over me on a day to day basis while one or two guys find me indifferent. I imagine if I was one then I would find those guys mysterious and would want to find out more about them and about why they don't find me as appealing as the other guys do.

I'm not knocking females here. I just think guys tend to be quite a fair bit more transparent around women that they are attracted to while women tend to be more conservative when the roles are reversed.

Edited March 17, 2014 by L1ght

[Chalkdust89]

I think women do automatically give a guy who doesn't drool over them more respect than a guy who does.

 

This is true because a guy who drools over a woman tends to put her on a pedestal and act as though she is too good for him. Most women find this unattractive because we like men with confidence who treat us like humans instead of treasures. If a guy has interest in me and can show it respectfully without putting himself down in the process, I find this attractive.

 

A guy who acts totally uninterested or indifferent is unattractive because, as many have already said, it doesn't seem worth it to invest time in someone who isn't interested in investing time in me.

[L1ght]

 

A guy who acts totally uninterested or indifferent is unattractive because, as many have already said, it doesn't seem worth it to invest time in someone who isn't interested in investing time in me.

 

 

 

I make my next comment mostly in jest but what you just described there about indifference from guys is pretty much the same level of indifference that guys actually do have to deal with even from girls who are attracted to them. The rules of the game are set and guys always have to be the ones investing time in someone who at first glance doesn't seem that interested.

Its an interesting dynamic but that's just the way the game is played in this day and age.

Edited March 17, 2014 by L1ght

[irc333]

Ironically, I think that's been most of my problem in trying to get something going with a woman. Though they give me their phone #, they don't return calls. If I try to chat with them online they wind up being "short" with me.

 

Then when they bump into me in person, they are like "OH, I've been meaning to call, but things have been going on in my life, we should try to get together some time!"

 

Then they never do. Apparently part of my issue is showing interest. GO figure. Back in the "good old day" where women actually DID go out with you when you asked and DID return phone calls. (circa 1940's and 50s)...trying to achieve a date was easy. Women were more eager back then to find a man to date.

[Emilia]

In my experience, this does ring true. However, indifference seemed to attract people pleasers, insecure wallflowers, the dark holes of neediness, game players, girls with daddy issues due to abandonment, and people I had no interest in. Any woman who was healthy and confident simply didn't want some guy who was indifferent so if any warm body will do, this might be a tactic.

G

 

Women dated him because he was attractive. If he was married, then his relative 'indifference' would apparently be one aspect of his personality his spouse either found attractive or, on balance, accepted in light of his other attractive aspects.

 

I realise as I'm a woman you deem my response OP as 'biased' or 'inaccurate' but I have been in several more relationships than you so I'll say my piece anyway.

 

The combination of the above two is the case. I used to know a man described in the original post. He was incredibly attractive. Very tall, athletic with striking facial features. Most women found him very good looking. He would sit at the bar quietly and women would flock to him, it really was something to watch. Most were young and didn't recognise the EU signs straight away. Older women stayed away unless they were people pleasers as mentioned above. As far as I know, it didn't exactly pan out for healthy relationships - though he did get laid a lot for sure.

 

I think being very attractive is probably one necessary feature for this to work though.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am repelled by indifference. Blah. if a guy is not pursuing, I have already moved on.

[L1ght]

I am repelled by indifference. Blah. if a guy is not pursuing, I have already moved on.

Lol its actually hilarious. Put yourself in a guys shoes and Imagine saying that...guy says "I'm repelled by indifference, if a girl isn't pursuing, I'm already moving on"

 

 

You see how funny that is? If guys didn't pursue and make all the initial moves then non of us would get anywhere because women sure as hell don't expect to have to show willingness and interest at a first glance.

 

 

I'm not moaning. Its just an observation and from a guys point of view the more we put ourselves out there with confidence and eagerness to gain a woman's affections the more chance of being successful we will be. It's just trial and error and its all part of the game.

 

 

I think a good time for a guy to show indifference if he wants a woman's attention is after he's already peaked her interest. it's just a role reversal and is actually quite a healthy thing because it shows how interested she really is or isn't as the case may be.

[organizedchaos]

Ironically, I think that's been most of my problem in trying to get something going with a woman. Though they give me their phone #, they don't return calls. If I try to chat with them online they wind up being "short" with me.

 

Then when they bump into me in person, they are like "OH, I've been meaning to call, but things have been going on in my life, we should try to get together some time!"

 

Then they never do. Apparently part of my issue is showing interest. GO figure. Back in the "good old day" where women actually DID go out with you when you asked and DID return phone calls. (circa 1940's and 50s)...trying to achieve a date was easy. Women were more eager back then to find a man to date.

 

Probably because back then, they had far less options to earn a good living on their own. Couldn't be as independent. Couldn't assert themselves as much. Now, they don't NEED to have a man to have a place in society.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Lol its actually hilarious. Put yourself in a guys shoes and Imagine saying that...guy says "I'm repelled by indifference, if a girl isn't pursuing, I'm already moving on"

 

 

You see how funny that is? If guys didn't pursue and make all the initial moves then non of us would get anywhere because women sure as hell don't expect to have to show willingness and interest at a first glance.

 

 

I'm not moaning. Its just an observation and from a guys point of view the more we put ourselves out there with confidence and eagerness to gain a woman's affections the more chance of being successful we will be. It's just trial and error and its all part of the game.

 

 

I think a good time for a guy to show indifference if he wants a woman's attention is after he's already peaked her interest. it's just a role reversal and is actually quite a healthy thing because it shows how interested she really is or isn't as the case may be.

 

Please. You have picked the wrong person.

 

I have spent my early 20s pursuing guys. I used to say that I would have rather been a man because at least then it would be more natural to pursue. I always had a thing for shy, nerdy guys. I always told myself that they are too shy to ask me out. Turns out I was wrong. They just weren't interested. Shy guys were always after party/extroverted girls and weren't into an introvert like myself. I wanted a male version of me.

 

Nowdays, I gave that up. I go for guys that show strong and consistent interest. They are usually very outgoing and not my ideal but I can't change nature. I let them do all the initiating in the initial stages. This works out far better for me. I usually have few options so guys that don't make the effort get forgotten.