bohica Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Although that's a strong word in my book I was happy to hear it. A long time ago I posted that there was this girl in my gym that I was really attracted to. I was seeking advise on how to make the approach in an appropriate way. I didn't want to seem cheesy. A problem I had was that's it's a small gym and she's really good friends with some people. Anyway, I decided to not make too much conversation but to slowly start to speak to her when no one else was. I started with just saying hello once in a while. I don't always talk and don't do too much talking in general at the gym. This kind of progressed to two very small conversations and it seems we have a bit in common. Still I keep my distance. I've always caught this vibe between her and I and I don't know if it's just me or she feels the same. Fast forward to this morning. I saw her walking outside and with in a few minutes she told me a recent trip she had planned got cancelled and that she was happy about it because she hated her boyfriend. I thought..wow that's strong and I don't know her so why would she tell me this. Am I reading into it too much or was that a signal? Should I continue doing what I'm doing (slowly getting to know her) or take advantage of this opportunity right away?
beach Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Although that's a strong word in my book I was happy to hear it. A long time ago I posted that there was this girl in my gym that I was really attracted to. I was seeking advise on how to make the approach in an appropriate way. I didn't want to seem cheesy. A problem I had was that's it's a small gym and she's really good friends with some people. Anyway, I decided to not make too much conversation but to slowly start to speak to her when no one else was. I started with just saying hello once in a while. I don't always talk and don't do too much talking in general at the gym. This kind of progressed to two very small conversations and it seems we have a bit in common. Still I keep my distance. I've always caught this vibe between her and I and I don't know if it's just me or she feels the same. Fast forward to this morning. I saw her walking outside and with in a few minutes she told me a recent trip she had planned got cancelled and that she was happy about it because she hated her boyfriend. I thought..wow that's strong and I don't know her so why would she tell me this. Am I reading into it too much or was that a signal? Should I continue doing what I'm doing (slowly getting to know her) or take advantage of this opportunity right away? The fact that she has stayed with him if she hates him would be reason enough to eliminate dating her. BIG red flag that would never work for me. 9
SpiralOut Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 She was pissed off and needed to vent. Continue getting to know her slowly as a friend. She hasn't broken up with him yet. Don't be the creep who tries to break up a relationship. 3
Canucklehead Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 She might be trying to feel you out dude..... Most women I know would just state that they had a boyfriend and leave it at that. The fact that your acquaintance with her is very casual so far and she says she is not happy with her BF may be to entice you..... Beware
carhill Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 OP, as the old saying goes, if I had a nickel for every women who said she hated her husband, well, I'd have a lot of nickels. At the point where she's talking about you and not her boyfriend is the point where asking her on a date might be contemplated. Otherwise, you're functioning as a sounding board for her relationship problems. Up to you on that part. Personally, I'd move on and date other women, keeping in touch with her to the extent she showed any interest in *you*. Good luck. 5
Author bohica Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 I agree. Kind of hoping it's a little signal too but I'll just play it out as I am. I wouldn't want to be part of any kind of break up even inadvertently. I've been there and it sucks. I honestly don't know if they broke up. I didn't ask. I just played it cool. My guess though is that if you cancel a ten day trip to Europe it's pretty bad.
Author bohica Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 Don't count on the trip cancellation being final. It was suppose to happen last week.....didn't. Cancelled, full refund. I like the advise of just keeping it like it is and waiting to see if she shows interest in me. That's pretty sound but I do need to drop a hint at some point.
carhill Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 If she's attracted to you, even in a rebound situation, there will be little ambiguity. The boyfriend, whether still in the picture or broken up with, will be yesterday's news wrt her actions with you. Dating other women can be assistive in two ways: 1. you meet and greet other ladies, perhaps finding a lady who doesn't hate her boyfriend and does like you. 2. Your social proof improves. With interest by others, you could be 'off the market' soon and there's a biological imperative which attaches, presuming this lady in question is *attracted* to you. IMO, treat her with the respect she's earned and enjoy the company of other young ladies. That's what being single is all about.
somedude81 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Be VERY careful about getting with women who have just broke up their boyfriend. My ex wasn't even single for a month after breaking up with her BF of three years before we went on our first date. She ended up suddenly dumping me without any warning after six months. Her being single for such a short time was the primary reason. She wasn't able to fully connect emotionally with me because she still had lingering thoughts and feelings for her ex, plus she wasn't able to fully heal and live for herself. As happy as I was that she dated me, it was a mistake for her 2
Tina747 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 "Although that's a strong word in my book I was happy to hear it." To the OP: I wouldn't be happy to hear this.... remember the opposite of love is NOT "hate" but "indifference". (Unfortunately, in some romantic relationships, there can be a very fine line between love and hate). I'd recommend steering clear from her... unless they officially break up and a decent amount of time has gone by for her to be ready to date again. 1
Author bohica Posted March 15, 2014 Author Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) I don't want to open a can of worms on a separate topic. "dating someone just coming off a relationship' A lot of factors are involved. I have no idea if this person is even in a serious 'relationship' or not, or even how long she dated this person. I know nothing about her or her past. I am ultimately in control. I was just was curious if her telling me was a signal or not and if I should act on it. I can't say if this person is on the rebound or not with absolutely no knowledge of who they are or there history. Though considering the fact she just was or is with someone I am smart enough to proceed with a little caution. When sufficient time goes by then it will a good time to get to know her in more depth. Seeing an opportunity to get to know someone a little, over time is different then jumping into a relationship with someone coming off something. Edited March 15, 2014 by bohica 2
somedude81 Posted March 15, 2014 Posted March 15, 2014 Yea man, rebound traits. Rebounds are only good in basketball. It may or may not have been rebound, I don't know because she dumped him. Or more specifically, she dumped him to get with me. She was unhappy with him for almost a year (a very big red flag that she stayed in a toxic relationship for so long) and after talking to me for a couple of months in a class she started to like me. She dumped him. Kept contact with me past the class ending. She didn't tell me that they broke up, but she was really hoping that I would ask her out. I soon did and the rest is history.
Michael91 Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 Whether of not she has a bf shouldn't much matter. Especially, if he is recent bf, she will be receptive to an upgrade. Therefore, if she appeals to you, don't be pushy and, instead of asking for a date and possible rejection, suggest coffee and, if she accepts and you sense she will be receptive, then ask her for a date.
Woggle Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 If she hates him so much why is she still with him? Just stay away from her. 2
Tayken Posted March 16, 2014 Posted March 16, 2014 She was pissed off and needed to vent. Continue getting to know her slowly as a friend. She hasn't broken up with him yet. Don't be the creep who tries to break up a relationship. And if an opportunity presents itself...Hit It If she hates him so much why is she still with him? Exactly...because that is where the attraction is...bad boy image 1
Author bohica Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 It could be she said 'hate' because it was very in the moment and she's unhappy with him for some reason OR she really means that she doesn't like him and she used the word 'hate' which I don't get. I've never heard anyone use the word hate towards someone they were dating. Either way I don't know why she would tell that to a guy she doesn't even know. I wasn't even sure she was dating someone. She may not have even been serious but the conversation lead me to believe she was. Sounded like she was basically telling me she dodged a bullet by not going on the trip with him.
ja123 Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I'd steer clear of her. It sounds like she's the type to have to always have a man in her life, and line a new one up before she leaves the current one. Not a good sign, IMO.
Author bohica Posted March 17, 2014 Author Posted March 17, 2014 She did not. I didnt ask. I asked her how her trip was. She said it got canceled. I asked why and she said she got sick but was kind of happy it got canceled because hates the person she was going with. I said...dont talk that way about your mother, joking. Thats when she said it was her boyfriend.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 17, 2014 Posted March 17, 2014 I'd steer clear of her. It sounds like she's the type to have to always have a man in her life, and line a new one up before she leaves the current one. That's called monkey branching. Pretty much all women do that if they can swing it. Some men will even do that. Women, young, pretty, women feel pressure to always have a man. So they will always have a "boyfriend" who at least 1/2 the time is just a place holder that they have no real strong feelings for. So OP I'd say go for it.
Author bohica Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 That's called monkey branching. So OP I'd say go for it. That's hysterical. I never heard the term before. I agree though. Some people are dependent. They can't be alone. I think every situation is different and you can't tell if someone is dependent or on the rebound with out having knowledge of the person or there experiences. There are a lot of things that define them both and many successful relationship are created through a transition, or monkey branching, or even through meeting someone while already dating..not that I agree with that but it happens. I can't possibly tell what this girls situation is unless I explore it a little. How long has she dated this person, has she ever spent time alone and how long, how grounded is she with herself. Is she even interested in me at all!? I am not looking for marriage here. Just looking to get to know her a little more but at the same time showing a little interest.
RonaldS Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 That's called monkey branching. Pretty much all women do that if they can swing it. Some men will even do that. Women, young, pretty, women feel pressure to always have a man. So they will always have a "boyfriend" who at least 1/2 the time is just a place holder that they have no real strong feelings for. So OP I'd say go for it. Yep. Exactly. My XW was like this. She had me going as she was breaking up with her then bf, and then we were separated for a long time, and one of her stated goals while we were separated was that she was 'going to learn to be independent'....but she wouldn't file for divorce until she had another guy firmly locked in. Pretty hilarious to watch when you know that's a person's MO.
Author bohica Posted March 21, 2014 Author Posted March 21, 2014 Can any women out there weigh in on the topic itself and my original questions? Kindly read through the first few posts. I see this person maybe once or twice a week and I'd like to get more feedback before maybe asking her for coffee or a drink. Thank you. I appreciate all the responses.
hotpotato Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 She was pissed off and needed to vent. Continue getting to know her slowly as a friend. She hasn't broken up with him yet. Don't be the creep who tries to break up a relationship. Exactly. i think it best to avoid her. She is with someone else.
SpiralOut Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Can any women out there weigh in on the topic itself and my original questions? Kindly read through the first few posts. I see this person maybe once or twice a week and I'd like to get more feedback before maybe asking her for coffee or a drink. Thank you. I appreciate all the responses. Don't invite her to do anything one-on-one. As much as you pretend to be doing that as "just a friend", she will see through it. Invite her to a group thing and tell her to bring someone if she wants. It should be something super casual that you invite everyone to, like a running group, or a BBQ, whatever. I still think you should find another girl to date. It's not much fun to chase after someone who is taken. I don't even suggest befriending her further unless you genuinely feel okay with being just friends with her. I don't mean "friends," like what you are doing now with the waiting and hoping she becomes single thing. I mean seeing her as a real friend, with no ulterior motives on your part. I say that because it feels really ****ty for a woman to think a guy is her friend, only to have him lose interest and disappear completely after she says no to dating him.
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