mrs rubble Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 If you're in a social setting and you witness someone calling their SO names or putting them down do you say something? There are a couple of men I know who think it's hilarious to call their wives names and constantly pick on their weight and the fact they're female. The wives ignore it or go along with the "humour". I find the mens behaviour offensive and disrepectful, so do others. I think the wives are pathetic for allowing it..my man would never speak like that to me and if he did I'd certainly let him have it! I've never told any of them how I feel about it though. Another female friend (who's witnessed this also and feels like I do) once had a terrific comeback line she dealt one of the husbands one day. Man did I laugh seeing him the butt of the joke for a change. Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 I JUST look at them and shake my head and walk away. They are pitiful, Always trying to feel better about themselves at someone else's expense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 I don't hang out with sexist asshats and my wife wouldn't tolerate inconsideration around her (she is a fan of leaving due to the polluting toxins) so we never encounter that issue anymore. We have LTRs with people who are a cut above the general indifference of manners and kindness. (Aside from a boxer sniffing incident smh.) When I was in the military, my general demeanor and expectations of high accountability cut short my few exchanges like this. I expect better of my friends and co workers. I don't reward bad behavior with laughter or indifference. I usually make it about my wife. My wife doesn't deserve to watch such general unpleasantness and disrespect and they can either stop the verbal exchanges that make their wives feel small and uncomfortable or we can stop being social. My wife doesn't have to listen to such tripe. I don't allow others to make her feel uncomfortable. She makes me brownies...win, win. G 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 If you're in a social setting and you witness someone calling their SO names or putting them down do you say something? It's not something I've encountered very often, but on the couple occasions I have - not for a long time thank God - it's been really bad. I think alcohol was responsible, as it so often is in that kind of really awful conflict that just seems to spring out of nowhere. In those situations, my reaction has been more about trying to calm things down more than anything else. If it was a situation where the person was doing it in a very casual, off hand sort of way (suggestive of them habitually doing it)...well, it's tricky. My focus would probably be on the reactions of the recipient more than anything else. Some people have banter that to outside ears might seem really unkind, but that is comprised of various private jokes and humour that isn't readily apparent to other people. So I wouldn't automatically judge the person as pathetic for laughing it off. If the other person gave off a vibe of being upset, humiliated or embarrassed in any way then I would probably give them some sort of compliment that was aimed at countering the unkind thing their SO had just said. That might sound like a bit of a cop out, but it's probably as far as I would be prepared to go in terms of playing rescuer in what is supposed to be a jolly, party atmosphere. I think overtly confrontational behaviour in social situations where there's often alcohol flowing can be very counterproductive and might just create further embarrassment for the recipient of the nasty comments. At the end of the day, if an adult with capacity to make their own decisions chooses to continue in a relationship with somebody who gets off on humiliating them in public that's their choice. I would try to use supportive non verbals to convey to them the message that I was somebody they could approach privately if they needed to, but that would be about it. In the end, I would likely just elect not to spend social time with them - but it's easy for me to say that as a single woman. More difficult, I know, when you have to involve yourself in certain social situations you'd rather not be in for a partner's sake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 A friend of mine is with an essentially gentle, but vocal chauvinist. I can't stop myself from speaking up. He has even joked that he 'shouldn't allow her to hang out with me, in case she grows a backbone'. Many a word said in jest... I no longer see him. I choose to miss events where he is present and she and I do things alone. If men at work are being insulting about their wives, I will speak up, but I am more likely to mock them than directly challenge them. But I don't/can't let such things pass. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 So far anyway, in my demographic it's the men who are quite protective of their spouses and the women who tend to be more 'free' with their colorful comments about theirs, though not directly in front of their spouses. I struggle to think of one male friend who's made his wife the butt of an all-male joke. His male friends OTOH, yeah, we've all been the butt of jokes, including those trending to the sexual. Pretty normal. Lastly, what one person might consider verbal abuse, another might consider humor or 'straight talk'. We see examples of this on these forums daily. In the case of a spousal situation, the arbiter of that distinction should and would be the spouse. As with everyone, spouses vary. As example, I cringe at some spousal interactions, from both sides but, to them, it's normal and they both feel loved and show love to each other. Personally, if faced with that, I'd feel abused, but I'm not in their marriage. So, YMMV. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 If you're in a social setting and you witness someone calling their SO names or putting them down do you say something? Yes. Another female friend (who's witnessed this also and feels like I do) once had a terrific comeback line she dealt one of the husbands one day. Man did I laugh seeing him the butt of the joke for a change. Do tell....? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 (edited) There is a fine line between teasing and "negging" (purposefully being mean in a "cocky and funny" way to lower an SO's self-esteem), and I'd rather err on the side of manners and do neither than risk being a total douche. It's the "be mean to keep then keen" approach, and it's complete rubbish. Problem is, it's not only tolerated...it's encouraged. Many male social circles and dating advice focus on this sort of stuff. Hell, Barney Stinson from "How I Met Your Mother" satires this behavior with the following line: "Address her by name, isolate her from her friends, subtly put her down.” Personally, I hate this stuff. Edited March 16, 2014 by Pfenixphire 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrs rubble Posted March 16, 2014 Author Share Posted March 16, 2014 Thank you everyone for your replies. This particular situation actually resolved itself while I was asking for opinions here!! One of these 2 guys insulted the other man's wife in a fairly awful way (obviously too far OTT for them) which bought it all to a head! The two of them were a little bit like the old guys out of the muppets, acting as a "comedy duo" in their antics. Now their friendship is over. The show is over too. Tara maiden; I can't remember exactly what my friend said, The guy had said something horrible about his wife and quick as a flash my friend was able to turn it right around on him and make him look the fool. Link to post Share on other sites
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