so I found out there's somebody else...

[nohardfelines]

So, we've split up. So far, so good. Very practical discussions regarding the children, future finances, etc. I think we can do this.

 

Then, I caved and snooped her facebook messages.

 

Turns out its been going on for quite awhile, now. Very explicit. Very informative. We spent all of February splitting up and then reuniting. I must have looked like such an idiot to her, professing my love and bringing flowers, apologizing for being a bad husband. Ugh.

 

So not only was the 'I need some time alone to think' trip just a quickie in a hotel with this old friend of hers, but so was the 'trip with the other Moms up to the outlet stores,' and the entire time she was away taking a class that I paid for, he was there.

 

I feel like such a moron, because I saw the signs and ignored them. People on this board tried to tell me, and I ignored them. Just denial all over the place.

 

And not only were the messages (which just went for hours upon hours) full of steamy good times, they also discussed their plans for the future, how much they loved each other, the first time they hooked up, how much he liked my favorite nightie of hers and of course, some very disdainful discussion about yours truly.

 

Oh, and the fact that she's been siphoning money into a private account that I didn't know about.

 

Pretty sloppy of her, to be honest.

 

So we have our little confrontation. Not much, (it's not like I can ask her for another divorce) but I needed her to know that I knew. Very evasive, obviously trying to feel out what I knew before answering, etc. Sad, really.

 

Now, though. Wow. Anyone on the outside looking in would just assume that I had been the one to stray. She snaps at me, refuses to acknowledge me, just sits around weeping and glaring at me. For the first time in my life, I feel hated.

 

It isn't as though I screamed at her or went crazy. The marriage is over, so what would be the point? I asked her some questions that I already knew the answer to and then I went and got good and drunk with an old friend that my wife despises. Not that i'm not hurt about it, I just can't find the energy to care anymore. Other than the financial aspect, of course, which I sorted immediately.

 

But of course, this is ALL MY FAULT.

 

I've spent the last two years apologizing for the things that are wrong with our marriage, but I will NOT take the blame for this.

[M30USA]

I guess there comes a time when we all have to face this. I know my time is coming and I'm trying to prepare.

[nohardfelines]

I guess there comes a time when we all have to face this. I know my time is coming and I'm trying to prepare.

 

Its not pretty. All I can think about is how easy this could have been.

[M30USA]

Its not pretty. All I can think about is how easy this could have been.

 

What do you mean "easy"? How could it have been easy?

[nohardfelines]

What do you mean "easy"? How could it have been easy?

 

Sorry. I mean the actual separation and divorce process, which was going along cordially, if a little sadly. Now there's just these waves of hatred pouring off of her and she won't even speak to me, let alone have a conversation like two grownups.

[M30USA]

Sorry. I mean the actual separation and divorce process, which was going along cordially, if a little sadly. Now there's just these waves of hatred pouring off of her and she won't even speak to me, let alone have a conversation like two grownups.

 

This means she still has feelings for you, albeit nasty ones. I, personally, am at a point in my life where I'm done with that stuff. I'd rather have no relationship at all than a relationship which needs constant fighting to prove how it feels. Next.

[nohardfelines]

This means she still has feelings for you, albeit nasty ones. I, personally, am at a point in my life where I'm done with that stuff. I'd rather have no relationship at all than a relationship which needs constant fighting to prove how it feels. Next.

 

 

I can't describe how much I want to be out of this and any other relationships (other than my kids, of course) for a long, looooong time.

[mrs rubble]

Sorry. I mean the actual separation and divorce process, which was going along cordially, if a little sadly. Now there's just these waves of hatred pouring off of her and she won't even speak to me, let alone have a conversation like two grownups.

She's hating that you've moved out of denial, and can see her for who she really is now. She's hating the fact that she was stupid enough to post all her business all over facebook and she's especially hating that you looked at it all and know!

 

I bet you enjoyed that beer with your mate.

[nohardfelines]

 

I bet you enjoyed that beer with your mate.

 

 

Ha, we did. A few beers turned into a bottle of cheap red wine and then we just said 'aw, to hell with it' and did our best to polish off a bottle of Maker's Mark.

 

The next morning (I slept on the floor of my friends place with the dogs) was not pleasant.

[bubbaganoosh]

[quote=nohardfelines;5585835

The next morning (I slept on the floor of my friends place with the dogs) was not pleasant.

 

May as well since your in her dog house anyhow.

 

Look. She got caught flat footed and has no way out. It's like a cornered rat. Can't go anywhere but lunge at who ever cornered them and that be you.

 

Right now her plans went down the toilet. She thought she could have her flings and save face with friends and family and now she thinks (and you should) let everyone know just what kind of woman she really is.

 

You don't have to be nasty or ugly to her but get a lawyer, if you don't already have one since you both decided to call it quits and make sure that her little secret stash of money is accounted for. Then you let her family and friends know what happened and if you know who the guy is, contact his wife and have proof because your wife has no doubt contacted the OM and he's thinking up a good story to bamboozle his wife.

[nohardfelines]

Then you let her family and friends know what happened and if you know who the guy is, contact his wife and have proof because your wife has no doubt contacted the OM and he's thinking up a good story to bamboozle his wife.

 

 

If I didn't honestly think it would destroy her parents (whom I have become extremely close to) I would. And the OM is already divorced, or I would have broken my fingers dialing the phone...

[aliveagain]

Keep accounts of monies she put into her special account as well as any monies she spent on her affair. These monies are owed to you from the splitting of assets. Give copies of her posts to your lawyer. List infidelity as the reason for the marriage break up on your divorce documents even if you are in a no fault district(a little payback, may help you in child custody as well as it warns any future suitors.

[2sunny]

Sorry. I mean the actual separation and divorce process, which was going along cordially, if a little sadly. Now there's just these waves of hatred pouring off of her and she won't even speak to me, let alone have a conversation like two grownups.

 

She's just mad you found out her truth.

 

That's not on you - it's on her.

 

She's mad at herself for not being capable of being a decent person!

 

Request the money she siphoned to be returned!

[Scott0310]

nohardfelines,

 

If I didnt know any better, I'd say you were my parallel universe twin going through exactly the same thing I am. My wife and I are separated since just after the new year, been married 9 years now last week. Basically, we split up (wife wants divorce), during that time she met someone, slept with him and he actually dumped her; I think he just took advantage of a vulnerable woman.

 

You and I have, it appears, followed the same path, trying to impress the wife again, only to accidentally see something that confirmed your worst fears. Mine was similar to your story in almost every detail, "going out with a friend" turns out to be this other guy. A weekend at a "girl"friends house turned out to be his house. Only difference in finding out was my wife left an email open and I saw it when I snuck onto her laptop to copy some songs as I was looking to make her a CD for valentines day. In that email was a conversation she had with him on whatsapp that went into some pretty graphic details, ones which led to to literally down an entire bottle of vodka and stop short of ripping down the house with my bare hands, only thing that kept me from it was my two kids were asleep upstairs.

 

I think the only difference is I am still holding out hope we can reconcile, one of the qualities which led me to ask her to marry me is her trust, and honesty. I know that seems like a cop but she is actually not like so many other unfaithful wives you read about on here, regardless of our current relationship, I will still defend that. She made a choise based on how hard our breakup happened, I can forgive it to a point, but not forget.

 

She has "attacked" me in the past for confronting her about this other guy, and has shared some of the same traits of other guilty spouses, asking me to date than being upset when I told her I dont want too, and the thought of it makes me sick, being depressed for the past two months, probably only having a handfull of meals the entire time (I've dropped 20lbs in these two months) and only getting naps for sleep as I cant sleep very long right now. She gets upset because she has to live with the fact she did what she did and I'm not going to stoop down to her level.

 

I feel for you bro, I really do, and I think I might be in a perfect position to understand exactly what you are feeling. Hang in there, maybe it will be better next time around and someone will come along that will not do things behind your back.

[nohardfelines]

So i'm off from work today, trying to have fun with the kids while at the same time being civil to her. Even tried to initiate some banal conversation with her. I thought it was actually going fairly well until I asked to use the laptop, which we share.

 

Oops, she made herself the admin and deleted my profile as well as the 280 some odd gigs of pictures, videos and documents that I had saved there.

 

I didn't let it show, just shrugged and walked way.

 

So much for civility.

[Chi townD]

You blew up her fantasy world. She was playing nice until she got things settled to the way SHE wanted them done. i.e. finding that secret account she was siphoning money into, finding out about the OM and the distasteful things they were saying about you....blah...blah...

 

 

Now, you made her out to be the bad guy in all of this and she's not happy about it. She wanted you clueless to the money she was socking away and her relationship to this other dude. Her gameplan was to keep him hidden for awhile and then slowly introduce him to people as "a friend" that's helping her through the tough times of getting over a divorce (considering he's been there already). Then, spring it on people that they just "found each other" while being friends and it just "Happened". Now, people aren't going to be so accepting of their relationship and it's all because you caught her stepping out on her marriage. Kids aren't stupid and one day they'll discover why mom and dad are REALLY no longer together.

 

 

This isn't your fault and you had every right to know what was the REAL demise of your marriage was.

[nohardfelines]

Her gameplan was to keep him hidden for awhile and then slowly introduce him to people as "a friend" that's helping her through the tough times of getting over a divorce (considering he's been there already). Then, spring it on people that they just "found each other" while being friends and it just "Happened".

 

Ha, they talked about that EXACT plan. 'Obviously, he (me) can never know.'

 

Then they talked about how quickly things moved the first night (thank you for establishing a timeline) and she said 'god, please don't remind me that I wasn't single the first time...'

 

Really, really sloppy of them. I mean, it was only one day's worth of texts (she'd obviously been deleting them) but I still got every question answered. It's like what the police refer to as 'an orgy of evidence.'

[nohardfelines]

AND...(sorry, but I honestly haven't another place to get this out until therapy on Thursday...)...all the sweet little things she's been saying to HIM...I heard them all first. (although, now i'm starting to doubt that)

 

'I didn't want to say I Love You, I was trying so hard NOT to say it, but I just couldn't stop it.' CHECK.

 

'It feels so good to say things I mean to you, instead of feeling like i'm reading off a script.' CHECK.

 

'I don't love you, I adore you.' CHECK.

 

And of course, they're both hoping that i'll just jump right in and start dating again.

 

'He'll probably have a steady girlfriend before we sign papers, he needs someone to take care of him.'

 

Even after all the sex talk, (especially about that blue nightie, which I loved so much) THAT was the line that broke my heart, that after 10 years together she would think so little of me.

[Clay]

Its not that she thinks so little of you its that she is not thinking of you at all. I would just file and setup up a good visitation agreement. Once those things are established just walk away. Do not give her a second more of your time. Only deal with the kids. My xW moved right in with the OM but she wrote me for six months how she hated me. Sure sounds like she was over me. lol I just walked away. She bitched about it in every letter how I never loved her. She really expected me to fight for her after I threw her out for cheating. Its amazing just how stupid they are to think we should just give them there cake and let them eat it too.

 

Sorry you are going through this but I would seriously detach and focus on you and the kids only.

 

Clay

[Chi townD]

Ha, they talked about that EXACT plan. 'Obviously, he (me) can never know.'

 

Then they talked about how quickly things moved the first night (thank you for establishing a timeline) and she said 'god, please don't remind me that I wasn't single the first time...'

 

Really, really sloppy of them. I mean, it was only one day's worth of texts (she'd obviously been deleting them) but I still got every question answered. It's like what the police refer to as 'an orgy of evidence.'

 

 

Yeah dude, it's text book cheaters stuff. They never deviate from the text book.

 

 

Now, it's your job to expose the affair to friends and family. Don't make their relationship easy. Let friends and family know that he's the REASON that your no longer married and NOT the shoulder to cry on for her.

[nohardfelines]

 

I think the only difference is I am still holding out hope we can reconcile, one of the qualities which led me to ask her to marry me is her trust, and honesty. I know that seems like a cop but she is actually not like so many other unfaithful wives you read about on here, regardless of our current relationship, I will still defend that. She made a choise based on how hard our breakup happened, I can forgive it to a point, but not forget.

 

 

There's no difference. I'm an idiot, I still love my wife. She may hate me, but I can't bring myself to hate her, no matter how hard I try.

 

She's my wife, and I still love her. For better or for worse and all that.

 

What can I do?

[Misadventure]

NH...don't take this the wrong way but why the eff you trusting her with anything anymore? She is enemy #1.

 

You need to start reading the 180's thread.. for your own sanity.

 

She cheated, repeatedly talked about it, thinks she got one over on you, and she still thinks she can if you trust her with anything.

 

Once the trust is gone, you have nothing.

 

Trust me... I KNOW it hurts. I do. But you deserve better, don't you? Do you want to keep on this way? Begin the process of REALLY moving on and let her know that her tricks and lies were just that... and she reaps what she sows. But you are the better person.

 

This is hard to do. Once you purge.. you do start feeling better.

[bubbaganoosh]

You got to stop playing the nice guy. If you continue to do so, you can be assured that given the chance, she's going to take advantage of it and when the smoke clears, your going to look like road kill and feel like it too.

 

She's not going to go easy on you. She had a plan. You blew it up and she has a healthy dose of egg on her face and when all is said and done, a whole lot of explaining to do to friends and family which wasn't in her game plan.

 

So with all you know and what she said about you, why in Gods name do you want to be with such a woman? Come on man. There are better women out there and they have one thing they can offer you she doesn't have and never will. Love and respect. Don't you think you deserve better?

[2sunny]

Start a nice fire in the fireplace tonight - in front of her... Place the blue nighty in the fire to be burned forever.

 

Tell her she's done the same to your past - the marriage - and what was.

 

Walk away and allow her to see the destruction she's created by cheating.

[familygone]

AND...(sorry, but I honestly haven't another place to get this out until therapy on Thursday...)...all the sweet little things she's been saying to HIM...I heard them all first. (although, now i'm starting to doubt that)

 

'I didn't want to say I Love You, I was trying so hard NOT to say it, but I just couldn't stop it.' CHECK.

 

'It feels so good to say things I mean to you, instead of feeling like i'm reading off a script.' CHECK.

 

'I don't love you, I adore you.' CHECK.

 

And of course, they're both hoping that i'll just jump right in and start dating again.

 

'He'll probably have a steady girlfriend before we sign papers, he needs someone to take care of him.'

 

Even after all the sex talk, (especially about that blue nightie, which I loved so much) THAT was the line that broke my heart, that after 10 years together she would think so little of me.

 

19 years together for us.

Funny how they change ,and seem they dont want nothing to do with you,like they dont know you.But the next guy they meet is THERE PERFECT GUY and they just met them . like you say how they can think so little.ps MY ex had a blue nighty i like too..