Broken engagement, then ex-fiance pursues my best friend [update]

[sooshi]

I'm 29.

 

I'm very introverted and reserved, and that doesn't really help with meeting people. And I don't just go somewhere for the sake of meeting people. My ex and my best friend are the only people I've had a truly meaningful friendship with as an adult.

[sooshi]

I woke up from an awful dream about my ex-fiance. I was at his place and he became very angry when I brought up this situation with my friend, and tried to show him our perspectives. He looked away and he wrote that he never wanted to see my face again (somehow I could see this writing).

 

He's still friends with his other exes, and good friends with an ex-fiance. Why am I left here to waddle in remorse and guilt for hurting him, and he doesn't seem to notice any wrong-doing on his end? I don't want him to suffer, but does he not care enough to see how this impacted me, my friend, and her relationship with her partner? Does he truly not care about being friends with me? Was he never truly a great friend, and is that why he can just shut me out like this without any word?

 

Man, it hurts. So much.

[sooshi]

Does anyone have any thoughts, insights, words of encouragement, etc. to offer? I go back and forth between acceptance, and feelings of deep pain, feeling left behind, etc. I guess if nobody else has anything more to say, I'll leave this thread alone unless there's an update.

[sooshi]

I finally deleted my friend on Facebook today.

 

Sorry, but when you're my best friend and you enjoy the attention and the desire that my ex-fiancé is giving you, and you want to see how far he would go, that isn't being a friend. And when you keep him around on Facebook when you've deleted male friends because of them giving you unwanted attention and you keep my fiancé around (especially after he has deleted me and continued to pursue you after doing so), I am not wrong for being hurt and upset. I am not being unreasonable or causing drama.

 

And when my ex-fiancé pursues you--my best friend-- and you don't tell me right away AND you don't call him out on it AND you don't stand up for him to him in the slightest, that isn't being a friend, either.

 

I'm not causing drama. I think I have every reason to feel hurt and angry.

 

Thanks, LS, for helping me become assertive. Without you guys, I'm sure I'd still be justifying their actions, making them be legitimate and blaming myself for being angry and hurt with my ex and blocking him in the process and causing him to feel hurt by doing so.

[redbaron005]

Does anyone have any thoughts, insights, words of encouragement, etc. to offer?

 

You're doing awesome sooshi!

 

I remember when my best friend's long-time girlfriend asked me out on a tennis date during their nine month 'break'. I'll be honest she is a good looking woman. Well, I went and spent a good amount of the time on the court explaining how I thought she should give him another chance and how he really never meant to hurt her. They got back together a few months later, I was in their wedding a year later, and now they are happy with a family.

[sooshi]

Thanks, redbaron. That's such a sweet story... thanks for sharing. I love the way you stood up for your friend.

[redbaron005]

Well, you know that you are worthy of love and belonging! I know you'll find yourself some wholehearted friends that will stand up for you.

[sooshi]

You're right, redbaron. I am absolutely worthy of love and belonging.

 

I've seen this talk before. I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.

[lauri]

I finally deleted my friend on Facebook today.

 

Sorry, but when you're my best friend and you enjoy the attention and the desire that my ex-fiancé is giving you, and you want to see how far he would go, that isn't being a friend. And when you keep him around on Facebook when you've deleted male friends because of them giving you unwanted attention and you keep my fiancé around (especially after he has deleted me and continued to pursue you after doing so), I am not wrong for being hurt and upset. I am not being unreasonable or causing drama.

 

And when my ex-fiancé pursues you--my best friend-- and you don't tell me right away AND you don't call him out on it AND you don't stand up for him to him in the slightest, that isn't being a friend, either.

 

I'm not causing drama. I think I have every reason to feel hurt and angry.

 

Thanks, LS, for helping me become assertive. Without you guys, I'm sure I'd still be justifying their actions, making them be legitimate and blaming myself for being angry and hurt with my ex and blocking him in the process and causing him to feel hurt by doing so.

 

Your friend is not a friend - 100% correct.

 

This isn't drama - this is what you call cleaning house of anyone who isn't worth keeping around. I think some people have seriously just lost self-respect and do not respect others as much anymore...I think I am probably way too old school for my age group lol (I'm 26). I would never do this to my ex finance even if I really liked her friend, out of RESPECT to her if I ended it. There is tons of other girls who live in my city that I can meet and potentially hit it off with.

 

Either way, you did extremely well in a difficult situation. You are going to find someone 10x better, I promise you.

[sooshi]

Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement, lauri.

 

Even though I only deleted her yesterday, I wonder if it will hurt her, upset her, etc. But oh well. I don't want to enable behaviour that continues to show disrespect and lack of consideration of my feelings. A month ago, I was a true softy, justifying everything they did and making myself the one to blame. Today, thanks to LS, I see the situation more clearly and realize that neither of them truly respects me. I cannot believe that the two closest people who engage in this type of behaviour, especially with someone they both claimed to care so much about.

[elseaacych]

Sooshi: Way to go!!! You did an awesome thing deleting your friend from Facebook. I know it may seem like a little thing, but in the long run, having actively deleted them will make you feel like you are regaining control of your life. That you are choosing to surround yourself with people who care about you.

 

Now, look at your friends list: chances are, you have some aquaintances on there that you kind of like. See if you can connect with them in some way through a mutual interest. Chances are, they are a lot more friendly than you think. You just have to make time for them, and if they are good people, they will make an effort to make time for you, and you are on your way to building new and lasting friendships. As a fellow introvert, I recognize it is hard, but the effort is worth it.

 

Congrats on making a stand for yourself, you are resilient, and are getting stronger every day.

[sooshi]

Thank you for your support, elsea. I was away from Facebook for a while, and went back on to delete her. Unfortunately, more than half of the people on my (comparatively tiny) friends list are friends/family of my ex-fiance (who live in another country). So it is uncomfortable for to be on there... so I just don't go on there anymore. But I did want to take a stand to remove my friend. She may not realize why I did it, and might think I did it to cause drama or something. But I know full well she has deleted people because she didn't think they were a positive influence on her/she didn't want their attention, and NOT to cause drama. It doesn't matter if she interprets it that way. I know I did the right and best thing for myself.

 

Thank you for providing support to others on this forum. Thank you for sharing what you've learned during your healing process with others so that they, too, get ever closer to healing themselves.

[KaliLove]

Did you know that Facebook translates to Satan's Website in ancient Sanskrit?

 

I quit 2 years ago and I've never looked back. It's totally worth it!

[sooshi]

Hahaha! I can't tell if you're joking or not, but I believed it the first time I read this. I'm gullible though.

 

Yeah, I don't see any reason for me to get back on there. I miss my ex's family, who I have on there, but I need to let go of all of them too. I think I'll always miss them, but if I hang around on there, it won't help!

[sooshi]

I (finally) deleted my friend and my ex from my phone today. I don't think I'll hear from either by phone anyway, but it still felt good (although bittersweet).

 

When in doubt, I go back to what happened:

 

- found out ex had a crush on someone, I told my best friend, and she said she was sorry and that she knew it was hard. It was hard, but I figured it would help to let go. She knew it was him though, but didn't tell me until about two weeks later about the flirting, and told me when he crossed HER line.

 

- friend supported me behind the scenes, but never stood up to him on my behalf. Never defended me or called him out on his actions (maybe it's too much to ask?)

 

- she kept him on FB even after my ex deleted me on there. This made me particularly uncomfortable and hurt because she has very willingly deleted guys in the past due to unwanted attention. If my ex's behaviour was so unacceptable/awful/heartbreaking (her words), then why keep him on there? When I asked for her to clarify why, she said I was causing drama. I think it is reasonable to feel uncomfortable, especially given her past with deleting guys on there.

 

I simply can't heal with her in my life right now, and I don't really have warm and fuzzy feelings towards my ex either. I'm sure he doesn't see me in a positive light, either. I try to reconcile everything that's happened with all of the good I know they have in them, but it's hard right now.

 

I realize that I enabled their actions. I realize I was a doormat.

 

I've come a long way in terms of assertiveness since I first came here last month. If I get into a relationship again, I know I will not allow myself to be a doormat.

[elseaacych]

Yay! You're coming along quite nicely now. Life is too short to have people in your life that cause drama. Through all of the posts that you have made over the past month or so, you've learned a lot and evolved: developing a sort of quiet strength, so to say.

 

By the way, it's not an "if" you get into a relationship again. It's a "when". Worlds of opportunity await.

Edited April 28, 2014 by elseaacych

[sooshi]

Aww, thanks for your support, elsea. <3

 

My friend and my ex both said I caused drama and I believed them. Maybe I did by blocking him/having her block him, etc. But I wasn't intending to cause any drama! I just didn't want a "friend" like that, and I hoped he would see the consequences. I still struggle with not blaming myself sometimes.

 

I definitely have evolved a lot since I've been here, partly due to reading your own thread. I'm surprised by how much more assertive I've become, and I think it's necessary because it will ensure that I don't let my next partner walk all over me.

 

I appreciate the way you say "when" I get into a relationship again, as opposed to "if" I do. It's hard to believe I will, but I want to eventually and know that I have a lot to offer.

 

Like you, I didn't know about things like NC before coming here. I didn't know about a lot of things. I came here so naive, and now I know so much more about how to identify red flags and such, as you seem to do as well.

 

Thanks again, elsea. Keep posting in your thread. As I've said before, I enjoyed reading your posts.

[sooshi]

Before all of this happened, I had perceived myself to be a forgiving, compassionate person. I was perceived by others to be the same.

 

My ex-fiance left me because I couldn't fulfill him (that's not what he told me, but he told my best friend this while he was pursuing her shortly afterwards). He pursued her and didn't tell me anything. I only found out from her AFTER he had crossed her line. Apparently, flirting with her at all wasn't crossing her line, even though she thought his behaviour was heartbreaking and disgusting and all of that.

 

Soon afterwards, my ex deleted me on FB, but kept my friend on there. When I asked her why she kept him on there (because doing so made me uncomfortable), she told me I was stirring up drama. But she has deleted guys who gave her unwanted attention in the past. And she didn't even have her BOYFRIEND on there, and they have been FB friends in the past. So yes, I think I have reason to feel uncomfortable and hurt by this.

 

The way I see it is, my ex-fiance thought his pursuit of her was more worthwhile than our friendship, more worthwhile than my friendship with this girl, and more worthwhile than her relationship with her partner. When he started flirting with her, she wasn't in a relationship, but continued even after he knew she was. And he got mad at me after I had contacted the guy to say how happy I was for them. I'd been rooting for them for months; they've been together before, and he was good for her. My ex told me that me contacting the guy was a manipulative action.

 

Well, I don't think my ex has a right to pursue someone who's in a relationship. That's manipulative to me.

 

My ex had written her a love song and sent it to her. And he sent it to me too, and told me not to assume what it was about.

 

My ex and my friend have never met and never communicated with each other throughout our entire relationship. A few days after my ex ended it, he sent her a FB message to apologize for hurting someone who she deeply cared for. My friend that was really strange, that none of her friends' exes ever apologized to her, and that he had no reason to do that. I was naive at the time, but maybe he did it because he DID have feelings for her that he was rejecting. He did tell her eventually that he'd been rejecting feelings for a long time.

 

And he told me he was never in love with me, which I guess gives him justification for pursuing my friend.

 

I am angry. I am hurt. I don't know how to let go. Forgiving, compassionate sooshi suddenly doesn't feel so forgiving or compassionate anymore. Both my ex and my friend admired for being compassionate and forgiving, and now I feel like I am neither.

 

I don't want to be angry. I don't to harbour hard feelings towards the very people who I had devoted years of friendship and loyalty and care to. Years of support and kindness. Is it really true what some people say, about them not deserving my friendship or kindness?

 

I want to let this all go. I want to be at peace with all of this. My ex hasn't spoken to me in nearly two months, and the last I heard from my friend was to say "Thanks for unfriending me" after she found out I deleted her on FB. To me, she's not a friend. And to me, my ex isn't either. To me, they've both been cavalier with my heart and they don't truly respect me or care for me, even they say that. I don't know if my perceptions of the situation are valid and reasonable, or if I'm overreacting. According to my ex, I caused intolerable drama after blocking him after finding out he was pursuing my friend, and encouraged her to do the same, and for contacting the guy she's dating to say how happy I was that they were finally together. Maybe he is right. And maybe my friend was right that I was stirring up drama just for asking why she still had my ex on FB after he deleted me.

 

I just want to let go.

Edited May 3, 2014 by sooshi

[elseaacych]

You can still be the forgiving, compassionate Sooshi we all know and love. You also have the right to be angry at your friend and ex-fiance. You can be assertive. You can have a touch of iron in your soul. They were immensely disrespectful to you. You can absolutely be angry with them, your feelings are justified.

 

The only way you can let it go is to let yourself be angry with them, and take it out in a constructive way, like punching the heck out of a pillow, or running, or kneading bread dough, or pulling weeds for a neighbor who needs help with gardening (KILL THEM WEEDS!), or making abstract art by throwing darts at water balloons filled with paint on a canvas. Or any number of things. You can feel angry, and you can acknowledge your anger. Eventually, you will wear yourself out with anger, and realize that what's done is done. You did everything you could to make the situation right.

 

Part of the healing process is to allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel and acknowledge your feelings for what they are, but take care not to let yourself be consumed by them. Anger, like depression and numbness, is one of the stages of grief. And you are going through the grieving process. Know that these feelings will pass, and you will be stronger on the other end, that you won't let yourself be taken advantage of. Ultimately, you will know when you reach the other end that you did the right thing by cutting the toxic people out of your life, and you can forgive them, but you're smart enough not to let them do it again.

[KaliLove]

Soosh, you don't need to feel guilty for being angry at people who deserve your anger. Two months is not a very long time..all of the negative feelings from this ordeal will fade, and eventually you'll just be indifferent.

 

One day at a time, right?

[sooshi]

Thanks, elsea and Kali (as always!) for your support. Elsea, thanks for your suggestions and for reminding me that that I way is part of the grieving process. Kali, thanks for reminding me to take it one day at a time. To the both of you: Thanks for everything else you've said in this thread and for all of the support you've provided me throughout the 1.5 months. I know I repeat a lot of the same stuff sometimes. Feeling more downtrodden than usually lately (when I'm on my own).

 

I hope you both feel as supported throughout your own healing journey as you've helped me to feel. <3

[jbelle6]

I would have reacted differently than my friend did. I would've lashed out/called him out on what he was doing, immediately tell my friend, and block him. I would tell her that she does not deserve this in ANY way, at all.

 

Yeah, I get what you're saying, Kali.

 

I guess I was made to feel like blocking him and having my friend (and someone else close to my her block him) and contacting my friend's partner to congratulate them on their relationship (since I'd been cheering for them for several months) was crossing lines for him and he felt he couldn't trust me anymore. I was made the villain and I believed in it wholeheartedly.

 

 

See, I find this the natural reaction. If someone broke an engagement to my best friend I would want to chop his nuts off and delete him from life. I would be more angry than if it happened to me because I would not have some residual feelings of love for the guy. This would be even BEFORE he hit on me. I find your friends reaction very strange. I get the feeling that you are a much better friend to everyone than they are to you. She's never met him, he upsets her guy, why is she "friends" with him? I find that very weird, especially after he sent her songs etc. Something doesn't sit right there for me.

She's bothering me more than he is to tell the truth. That's not best friend stuff.

[jbelle6]

Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to realize he's doing anything wrong at all. I think that he has this idea of being wanting to be without restrictions and so was doing what he felt like would make him happy (be with my friend), even though his approach hurt others.

 

Yeah, I spoke to my friend about it, and asked her why she kept him on there and that it made me uncomfortable, so I just wanted a clarification. I was surprised that she got upset with me. She said she didn't want to cause drama when it could be avoided, and she thought that me mentioning it was causing drama.

 

 

See that's Narcissistic. Life has restrictions. There are moral codes that decent people don't break. He has the attitude that if it feels good and makes HIM happy then great. That's not a nice person.

[jbelle6]

I finally deleted my friend on Facebook today.

 

Sorry, but when you're my best friend and you enjoy the attention and the desire that my ex-fiancé is giving you, and you want to see how far he would go, that isn't being a friend. And when you keep him around on Facebook when you've deleted male friends because of them giving you unwanted attention and you keep my fiancé around (especially after he has deleted me and continued to pursue you after doing so), I am not wrong for being hurt and upset. I am not being unreasonable or causing drama.

 

And when my ex-fiancé pursues you--my best friend-- and you don't tell me right away AND you don't call him out on it AND you don't stand up for him to him in the slightest, that isn't being a friend, either.

 

I'm not causing drama. I think I have every reason to feel hurt and angry.

 

Thanks, LS, for helping me become assertive. Without you guys, I'm sure I'd still be justifying their actions, making them be legitimate and blaming myself for being angry and hurt with my ex and blocking him in the process and causing him to feel hurt by doing so.

 

KNEW she was shady!!! If I was seeing a guy and another guy sent me love songs, I would delete the guy just for that!!! On top of that what he did to you and she doesn't want the "drama" of blocking him??? She could have unfriended him, she didn't have to block.

 

Read above that the man has more than one ex fiance? That's not a very good sign either I don't think.

[jbelle6]

I (finally) deleted my friend and my ex from my phone today. I don't think I'll hear from either by phone anyway, but it still felt good (although bittersweet).

 

When in doubt, I go back to what happened:

 

- found out ex had a crush on someone, I told my best friend, and she said she was sorry and that she knew it was hard. It was hard, but I figured it would help to let go. She knew it was him though, but didn't tell me until about two weeks later about the flirting, and told me when he crossed HER line.

 

- friend supported me behind the scenes, but never stood up to him on my behalf. Never defended me or called him out on his actions (maybe it's too much to ask?)

 

- she kept him on FB even after my ex deleted me on there. This made me particularly uncomfortable and hurt because she has very willingly deleted guys in the past due to unwanted attention. If my ex's behaviour was so unacceptable/awful/heartbreaking (her words), then why keep him on there? When I asked for her to clarify why, she said I was causing drama. I think it is reasonable to feel uncomfortable, especially given her past with deleting guys on there.

 

I simply can't heal with her in my life right now, and I don't really have warm and fuzzy feelings towards my ex either. I'm sure he doesn't see me in a positive light, either. I try to reconcile everything that's happened with all of the good I know they have in them, but it's hard right now.

 

I realize that I enabled their actions. I realize I was a doormat.

 

I've come a long way in terms of assertiveness since I first came here last month. If I get into a relationship again, I know I will not allow myself to be a doormat.

 

 

I am so very proud of you. And you are absolutely right!

 

This is how best friends are: My best friend dated a guy in grade or high school lol, I thought accepting his friend request would be ok, she made a little comment that sounded a tad miffed, within 20 seconds he was unfriended.

I was dating a guy, told her what he did and that we broke up, I didn't even have to ask her to get rid of the tool, IT WAS DONE.

 

Your friend and your fiance really crossed a line here. I am glad you see them more clearly now.

 

 

 

 

Adding to this post. You can be compassionate and forgiving without being friends with them. You say you don't want to let go of years of friendship and kindness but the problem is, they have. I don't think your ex was the kind man you saw him as.

You will meet new friends and be in another relationship, maybe you just have to keep stepping out of your comfort zone a bit at a time. I am so glad you see these people for what they are.

Edited June 11, 2014 by jbelle6