Broken engagement, then ex-fiance pursues my best friend [update]

[2sunny]

I hope you will stop thinking about him, what he's thinking, what he thinks of you etc.

 

Start thinking you dodged a bullet from this jerk who isn't willing to be decent and certainly doesn't look like he's considering how you must feel.

 

A man like him isn't worth "thinking about".

[sooshi]

He was very considerate of my feelings throughout our relationship, but I know that's in the past. It's so strange how it's so different now. It's unbelievable that he has done this. Yeah, he said he fully cares about how I feel, but the actions don't show it. It's hard to let go of someone you've loved deeply for several years. But I guess it's time to work on letting go.

[KaliLove]

He was very considerate of my feelings throughout our relationship, but I know that's in the past. It's so strange how it's so different now. It's unbelievable that he has done this. Yeah, he said he fully cares about how I feel, but the actions don't show it. It's hard to let go of someone you've loved deeply for several years. But I guess it's time to work on letting go.

 

My ex and I had a seemingly perfect relationship for a year. Well..I wanted to believe it was perfect. I ignored a ton of red flags and focused on the amazing stuff.

 

Then things started going down hill, but he wouldn't break up with me..he just got cold and distant. When I confronted him, he admitted that he was having second thoughts about wanting to get married and have kids (to anyone, not just to me). I actually had to ask him if he was dumping me before he would do it.

 

We both cried. I moved out but we never went NC..we still talked all day every day. Then I ran into him at a restaurant a month later and we decided to start dating again. The past two years have been a hellish roller coaster. The honeymoon period was O.V.E.R! He showed me his true self, and the man who was courting me was NOT his true self.

 

It never is. The first year or two or three are always different. You're never completely honest about who you are. Then the real person comes out. Unfortunately the real him was an extreme narcissist with Borderline Personality Disorder and severe depression, anxiety, and self esteem issues.

 

Anyway, the point of this little tale is that who your ex is now is who he really is. He is mean, uncaring, and he's a creepy and possibly unhinged stalker. You can do SO much better.

[sooshi]

It is unfortunate, what has happened. He and my friend are still Facebook friends. Not sure how I should take that, when she isn't going to be talking to him anymore. It doesn't make sense to me that I am the one who gets shut out.

[KaliLove]

Uh, never mind him..why is your friend still Facebook friends with a guy who is stalking her? Are you sure she's giving you the whole story?

[sooshi]

He's not stalking her. Just likes her and has pursued her. But they haven't spoken in a few days now. My friend just wants things to be, not monitor or censor anything. I'm not going to tell her what to do and I don't want him to be shut out. I do care for him and want him to be happy, and so will have to accept that I'm not a part of his life or a part of the experiences that help him be happy.

[KaliLove]

You said in a previous post that he's been harassing her even though she's turned him down multiple times. That is stalking. I have a feeling she's not telling you the whole story...

 

Being shut out is the very best thing for you right now.

[sooshi]

Hmm, I guess I never thought that as being stalking. Nope, she's very open and I believe her. I'm sure she will remove him if she feels a need to do so. But I don't think he'll be contacting her again.

 

Thank you for your encouragement. I also think that being shut out is the best thing for me right now. I do hope it's not forever. It'd be great to be on good terms and friends eventually. But I'll just go with whatever happens.

[sooshi]

It is truly disheartening that after years of friendship, it has come down to this. I believe he has cared, but his reactions show that he maybe he doesn't anymore. Maybe I am a stressor in his life. He just wants to be happy. Maybe I'm not a good influence on him anymore. Can anyone help me through this? Am I being much too forgiving and soft here?

[TaraMaiden]

The one main thing you can do to help yourself get over this, is to quit trying to see things from his angle, what he's thinking, how he sees you and what he feels you bring to his life.

 

Please, quit this, and get this through your head:

He doesn't care about you.

He isn't thinking about you in the same terms. He gives a damn about how you're feeling, what he's done to provoke this or how you must be reacting.

You have to stop empathising with him and wondering about how all of this is affecting HIM.

Shift your focus, a complete 180, onto yourself, and you alone.

Quit wondering about him.

Start thinking about number 1.

That, and nothing else.

[sooshi]

I was hoping you would reply, Tara. Do you mean he DOESN'T give a damn about how I'm feeling or what he's done to provoke this or how I must be reacting?

 

Thanks for being so honest and upfront. I really need it with this. I am so soft and tend to want to empathize and everything, so I get conflicted.

[TaraMaiden]

I was hoping you would reply, Tara. Do you mean he DOESN'T give a damn about how I'm feeling or what he's done to provoke this or how I must be reacting?

Oh Lordy.....

 

Who givezaphukk - ?!

 

HE - DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU THE WAY YOU CARE ABOUT HIM!!

 

It's not reciprocated!!

Quit thinking about how he feels!

He doesn't matter any more!

You can't get into his head, so really, how he must be feeling and why, is totally immaterial and irrelevant!

 

Thanks for being so honest and upfront. I really need it with this. I am so soft and tend to want to empathize and everything, so I get conflicted.

Yeah... you really have to develop a healthy, self-preserving side of 'givea****tedness'....

[sooshi]

You're right, it's not reciprocated.

 

Thanks, Tara. I do need to develop some assertiveness towards him.

[TaraMaiden]

No, you don't.

You need to develop a thicker skin, and a bit of a selfish streak.

"We teach people how to treat us" is a true and oft-quoted saying.

If you want to be treated like a Princess, deserving of the red carpet, then start thinking like one.

Stop saying 'Oh no, please - after you!' to everyone.

or you'll just move from door-man, to doormat.

Shove ingrates aside and take centre stage.

And know that not only do you deserve it, it's your rightful place.

[sooshi]

Thanks, Tara. This is great insight. Yes, I do need to develop a thicker skin and a bit of a selfish streak.

 

I will keep in mind what you said. Thank you.

[TaraMaiden]

Every time you notice your thoughts wandering off into "I wonder how he...." stop them with a jolt, and say to yourself, "Phukkim - what about ME - ?!"

 

You have to re-educate yourself to think from a better angle.

[sooshi]

I'll work on doing that. Thank you.

[KaliLove]

It is truly disheartening that after years of friendship, it has come down to this. I believe he has cared, but his reactions show that he maybe he doesn't anymore. Maybe I am a stressor in his life. He just wants to be happy. Maybe I'm not a good influence on him anymore. Can anyone help me through this? Am I being much too forgiving and soft here?

 

He DUMPED YOU and is HARASSING YOUR BEST FRIEND to go out with him. You are being more than soft and forgiving, you're being a doormat. As Tara said, stop thinking about how he feels and think about yourself.

 

He doesn't give a damn if you're happy. If he did, he wouldn't be chasing your best friend for tail.

 

How are YOU feeling?

[sooshi]

You're right, Kali.

 

I don't feel well. I feel betrayed and hurt. Rejected and poisoned.

[KaliLove]

You're right, Kali.

 

I don't feel well. I feel betrayed and hurt. Rejected and poisoned.

 

Poisoned. That's an excellent way to describe it. Why would you want to keep poisoning yourself? Remember, you are not the one in the wrong here, not even a little bit. He is.

[sooshi]

Thanks, Kali. This is all an adjustment for me. It's going to take time to develop a thicker skin. He hasn't apologized for having continued to pursue my friend, even though he said he didn't want to touch our friendship and cares about how I feel. Maybe he doesn't feel like he has done wrong, I don't know. Oh well, I know I won't be contacting him. It's sad that years of friendship can be thrown in the garbage for something like this.

[sooshi]

I do miss him. I hope he comes around and realizes what he has done. I hope he still has a moral compass about these things. I hope he delivers a heartfelt apology someday.

 

He was my best friend, and a very important part of my life for years. It's so hard to take this all in. If anyone else has any encouragement or any thoughts they'd like to share, please do.

[Arieswoman]

Hello Sooshi,

I am sorry you are suffering over this.

 

You said;

 

I do miss him. I hope he comes around and realizes what he has done. I hope he still has a moral compass about these things. I hope he delivers a heartfelt apology someday.

 

The sad thing is that people "don't miss what they've got 'til it's gone" (as in the Carly Simon song). By the time he has realigned his moral compass and had a pang of guilt it will be too late. You will have moved on and connected with someone who treats you well.

 

He was my best friend, and a very important part of my life for years. It's so hard to take this all in.

 

I don't wish to be unkind here, but maybe he wasn't as good a friend as you thought he was ?

 

The most important thing now is to stay strong for you.

[sooshi]

Thanks for your reply, Arieswoman.

 

I am so surprised that he may not already feel guilt. He is usually really analytical and sees when he has done wrong. Maybe he doesn't feel like he has done any wrong. Maybe he only sees that I blocked him, and encouraged my friend to do so (and someone else who is connected to my friend). He felt like I was crossing the line, and yes, I shouldn't have contacted my friend's relative. But I felt like he needed to be shown that what he was doing wasn't right, and I felt like he wouldn't see that unless we shut him out for a bit. I contacted Laura's partner to congratulate them on their relationship, and Gary felt like that crossed a line for him. Their relationship is new, and I had been cheering them on for months. Gary doesn't believe me.

 

My friend never called him out on his behavior (she wants to be impartial, and does regret not having lashed out at him), so he probably thinks that I'm overreacting and that I'm in the wrong, that he hasn't done anything hurtful or done anything wrong.

 

He's been through a lot over the years, and I have been there to support him in every way I could, especially emotionally (we live hours apart). I did spend a lot of time supporting him, and that was probably the basis our friendship, actually... and sadly: I was his biggest supporter, his biggest fan, and he knew me as the one who loved him more than anyone else. Our engagement started off really well, but he started to have problems after a couple of months and then I found myself having to support him a whole lot and it was draining at times, admittedly.

Edited March 18, 2014 by sooshi

[KaliLove]

Even if he does 'come around' and apologizes to you..why would you want to be a boy who is capable of behaving the way he has?