TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 'boy' being the operative word.... "It doesn't matter what car they drive, what job they have, how much money they earn, what kind of house they live in, or which designer clothes they wear: They're 9 years old." My Mum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 I believe in redemption. He may not come around or apologize. He still hasn't said anything to my friend in terms of an apology for his behaviour, so he may not see it. If he doesn't see it now, then he may not see it later, but I don't know. But I do believe in redemption. I don't believe that just because he was selfish, disrespectful, and uncaring about his approach with this, that this should define who he is. I still see him as a kind, caring, and sweet person. Yes, what he did was very hurtful and I don't support it. But I believe in redemption and in forgiveness. But maybe that's because I have yet to develop a thick skin. Sometimes I DO feel very angry and am glad that he has shut me out. Other times, I don't feel any resentment or hurt or anger at all. So, I don't really know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 I still care about him. I still would like to have him in my life. He's not evil. I think he was just very selfish about this and probably doesn't see what he was doing, unfortunately. Oblivious. Or maybe I'm the oblivious one. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 You need to close yourself off from sympathetic feelings until such a time as you stop undervaluing yourself. You're still focusing on painting him into a rosy picture, while your heart is still fragile, and your feelings still smarting. Quit telling us - and yourself - what a great guy he is. For present purposes, he most certainly isn't, and you need to strive towards feeling just as positive and generous about yourself, first and foremost, before even thinking about him in equally glowing terms. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 Thanks, Tara. I don't think of him in equally glowing terms. Maybe it's hard because everyone else (except my best friend) seems to see him as such a good, loving person, and I feel like I'm wrong to see him as otherwise. I don't see him as a bad person, but that what he did was bad. Blah. Maybe I AM being too forgiving and understanding about this. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 If the situation were reversed and your best friend's ex was pursuing you, what would you tell her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 I would have reacted differently than my friend did. I would've lashed out/called him out on what he was doing, immediately tell my friend, and block him. I would tell her that she does not deserve this in ANY way, at all. Yeah, I get what you're saying, Kali. I guess I was made to feel like blocking him and having my friend (and someone else close to my her block him) and contacting my friend's partner to congratulate them on their relationship (since I'd been cheering for them for several months) was crossing lines for him and he felt he couldn't trust me anymore. I was made the villain and I believed in it wholeheartedly. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I would have reacted differently than my friend did. I would've lashed out/called him out on what he was doing, immediately tell my friend, and block him. I would tell her that she does not deserve this in ANY way, at all. Yeah, I get what you're saying, Kali. I guess I was made to feel like blocking him and having my friend (and someone else close to my her block him) and contacting my friend's partner to congratulate them on their relationship (since I'd been cheering for them for several months) was crossing lines for him and he felt he couldn't trust me anymore. I was made the villain and I believed in it wholeheartedly. It doesn't make you the villain at all. He's trying to make you feel that way to alleviate his guilt. He knows he's doing something wrong and he doesn't want to feel like the bad guy. Your friend isn't being much of a friend right now either to be honest. She really should block him. It's kind of cruddy of her not to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to realize he's doing anything wrong at all. I think that he has this idea of being wanting to be without restrictions and so was doing what he felt like would make him happy (be with my friend), even though his approach hurt others. Yeah, I spoke to my friend about it, and asked her why she kept him on there and that it made me uncomfortable, so I just wanted a clarification. I was surprised that she got upset with me. She said she didn't want to cause drama when it could be avoided, and she thought that me mentioning it was causing drama. Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 You feel he needs lessons about what is moral -- and you almost married him? Stop right there, that's your real problem. You don't know how to care for yourself. You almost gave your future children this man as a father! That's incredibly sad. You seem to be one of those women who think love is rescuing a man and fixing him into the person you know he could be 'if only someone loved him enough'. This is called 'codependency'. Lots of books on the subject, check a few out. They'll be thankful at first but they will resent you and do things to undermine you and the relationship. The resentment is shocking because you think you're helping and loving. But it makes sense really, the whole premise is demeaning to them. And they'll work to knock you off your superior pedestal. I think that's what he's doing now with this fantasy romance, he wants to humiliate you. When you feel that you have to teach someone about morality, they're simply not mate material. You need to develop better judgement, a sense of self-worth and self preservation. There are support groups for codependents and therapy. Please focus on yourself, not this very messed up man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 I appreciate your thoughts, VeronicaRoss. I think I used to feel that way, earlier on in our friendship, about how if someone loved him enough, it would help him. But I don't feel that way anymore, and haven't in a while. It gets tiring to live or think that way. I'm not trying to teach him anything. He does have a good moral compass, but I feel his judgment was poor in dealing with this situation. I had him blocked for the night because I didn't feel like a friend would do this. I didn't think that someone who respected or cared for me would do this. I had blocked him, intending for it to last, but when he showed how angry he was, my heart softened and I caved. My intention was never to hurt him. I just wanted him to know that I wouldn't take that. I'm not looking to be with him. It'd just be good to deal with this in a mature manner, rather than shoving it underneath the rug. I don't want to rescue him or anyone else. But I do care about him and his well-being which is why I've been willing to support him. We got engaged at a time when he was doing really, really well. I don't believe that anyone loving him enough could "fix" him. I don't believe that anyone else can fulfill him. I don't see him as someone to be fixed, but someone who isn't sure about what he wants. I don't always know what I want, either, and it drives me crazy. I am often confused, and I change my mind a lot about things. Like with this situation, for instance. My feelings on the subject change constantly. I know where I "should" stand, and I know that sometimes I don't stand where I "should." I don't go through the same things he does, but I still have my own stuff. I can see where you're coming from though, Veronica. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to realize he's doing anything wrong at all. I think that he has this idea of being wanting to be without restrictions and so was doing what he felt like would make him happy (be with my friend), even though his approach hurt others. Yeah, I spoke to my friend about it, and asked her why she kept him on there and that it made me uncomfortable, so I just wanted a clarification. I was surprised that she got upset with me. She said she didn't want to cause drama when it could be avoided, and she thought that me mentioning it was causing drama. I would get rid of both of them. You're being way too nice about all of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 I know what you mean, but this is how I am, Kali. When I asked my friend if she would still want to be friends with him if the roles were reversed, she said she didn't think she could remain friends because she'd feel too hurt and angry. I've felt really hurt and angry too, and sometimes I still do. I still think that what he did was selfish and wrong. I still think that how my friend responded wasn't in the best interest of anyone. But... oh, I don't know. Too nice for my own good, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Right, well stop repeating the same conclusion, and resolve to do something about it. For a start, quit being so nice to people who are cavalier with your heart. that would be great for starters. Really, we don't want to hear 'how nice' you are. We know. Truth is, I'm waiting for your determination to change it a bit.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 Haha, thanks, Tara. That made me laugh. I really don't know how I would get rid of my friend. She knows I'm not happy about the way she just didn't call him out on it, and she has apologized and I know she feels badly about it. She sees blocking him as being drama, whereas I've seen it as her not showing support. She says she doesn't support what he did but since they don't talk anyway, she doesn't feel the need to remove him right now. Which I get. I don't know. I know it sounds so easy to do, but it's hard. I don't have negative feelings towards my friend right now, even though I probably should. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) I was anticipating a good day emotionally. Instead, I woke up feeling down that it was his birthday and knowing that I wasn't going to be a part of his day, on the anniversary of his birth. I've felt sad about this for most of the day. We didn't communicate, which was what I was expecting, but I couldn't help but wish that he would spend a few moments to have me be a part of his day. But I know that he had a good day, and I'm glad for him. That's what matters. Sometimes, when I'm feeling down about not being a part of his life like I used to, I think about how the sun shines relentless for the earth, never expecting anything in return from it. Then I inhale deeply, and look up towards the sky, or close my eyes, and remind myself in thought and/or in feeling that love is not selfish and that I really do just want to love. He feels like a stranger already, and it makes me sad. I hope this gets easier with time. Edited March 21, 2014 by sooshi Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 It will. I met someone new and I actually like him...if I can do it, you sure as hell can! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) Thanks, Kali. What's your story? Link me to a thread if you want. Edited March 21, 2014 by sooshi Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Ehhh, I haven't really posted the whole thing. Basically, we broke up 2 years ago, started dating again a month after the break up. I believe (per my therapist) that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder..it was a terrible and painful roller coaster. He was awful to me but I kept making excuses for him and forgiving him when I shouldn't have. We stayed in LC until a few weeks ago (I don't recommend this approach to everyone but it worked for me because every time we spoke, I hated him a little bit more). He was emotionally abusive and I was a doormat. Sucks, but I feel pretty much fine now..I've been getting over him for a while now and now I'm about 92% over it and I'm dating new people. Well..one new person in particular. We like him... I had a horrible and extremely difficult childhood which explains a lot about why I am the way I am. Yes I am in therapy. I know all the mistakes I made and I'm doing well now, and feeling mostly good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 Thanks for sharing, Kali. I KNOW I've been a doormat as well. It sucks and it's embarrassing. But I thought things would get better. I truly believed in the potential of my ex, and in the potential of our relationship, so I kept going with it, even though it was draining and not enjoyable towards the end. I'm glad we've figured this out about ourselves though... helps us develop a thicker skin, and a healthy sense of self-preservation and self-respect. I'm glad you're feeling mostly good, and that you like someone new in particular. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 What doesn't kill us will only make us stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 What doesn't kill us will only make us stronger. God, I hate that saying. It's like nails on a blackboard to me.... I always hear it in my head, in a broad "Dr Phil" texan accent... 'whud duzzent keal yew makesh yew shtrawngurrr'.... (Yee haw,) Actually, what doesn't kill you, merely delays the inevitable..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Not a fan of Dr. Fool myself, and I've never seen his show in its entirety..but I do believe that we should learn from our tough times and our mistakes and try to make the best of a bad situation, which is what I take from that saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sooshi Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 Thanks, Tara and Kali. I can see both perspectives when it comes to that quote. I think it'll be tough to really love someone again. I don't date. My ex-fiance was the first person I ever felt attracted to physically and spiritually, and we were friends for about 2.5 years and knew each other really well. I don't know that I'll be with anyone else again. I'm thinking of adopting a child eventually, and I may end up a single mother to this child (if I am eligible to adopt one). I miss our friendship and just hanging out with him. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 Oh come on! How old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
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