One week into separation NC and he reaches out

[noelaniella]

A few weeks ago, he called me and completely out of the blue told me he wasn't happy and wanted to end it. I panicked and got on the first plane home (i'm interstate for work at the moment) and managed to convince him that we can work through our problems but he needs to meet me half way. Two weeks later, after he's made no attempt to change anything, he sits me down for the same conversation. This time I was brave and suggested separation NC for a month in which he could contact me once a week but I wouldn't be contacting him.

 

This week has been so hard but I've been finding happiness in reconnecting with friends and starting new hobbies. Then last night I got an email from him saying saying that he misses me and my smile and he wants me to know I'm loved. He said this week has been really terrible for him.

 

A week ago I would have been so excited to hear this, but now I think "Is that it?". I have been soul searching and improving myself and once again he has done nothing to rectify our issues. I don't want to be in a marriage where I have to do all the heavy lifting and worry that he's got one foot out the door all the time.

 

Has anyone else found that they've changed what they want out of life during NC?

[Yasuandio]

Once the "D" word is put on the table, everything changes. You cannot unwind that bell. Like you said in your post, "worry about him having one foot out the door all the time." Your innocent sweet unwavering trust in him as your spouse is gone forever.

 

Trust can be re-built, and re-bonding can indeed occur. Happens all the time.

 

In my opinion, you made a mature choice and went into NC, and followed the 180's, see my signature line for more Critical Readings on those and other interesting topics.

 

Now, his one week response was less than satisfying. We call that a "Breadcumb." And you should not respond to it. Once you enter real NC, there is only one response that is acceptable. "I was wrong, I'll do anything to get you back," or something of that nature.

 

Based on your first week, I dont think your idea is going to work. Because, he isn't getting a real chance to miss you, due to the weekly contact, which only will eventuall drive your confidence down, or begin to worsen the pain.

 

I'd like you to look at Homer - in same reading section. Particularly the 3 sentence method. Surprise him, come home happy. Say something to the effect of "I love you, and if a divorce will make you happy, I'll help you find a new place, and I help you pack.". Be pleasant about it. Come home with some of those apartment finders guides from Grocery Store entrance - and have a few circled. Help him start packing his things right there.

 

It is reverse psychology. But if you really love him, wouldn't you want him to have what he desires? Listen to those Homer tapes. If he's planning a divorce, nothing you can do will make a difference. But if you agree with him - that may have an impact.

 

Be prepared. There may be another women. But it won't last, because affair are no fun in the light of day. The candestecy and secrecy have gone by-by.

 

Hope this helps. Yas

Edited March 16, 2014 by Yasuandio

[noelaniella]

Thanks for your response, Yas. I took great solace that NC seemed to be the right thing to do but I think you a right about the once a week contact being a bad idea. I was doing fine until I heard from him, now I'm back to square one again and broken all my own rules. I called him last night and let him tell me everything that's been happening to him and how upset he is. I said I was fine and having quite a good time with friends. Today I woke up worse than ever.

 

It's such an awkward position because we are trying to stay connected to work on our relationship but I don't feel like I'll get any closure until I shut him out of my life. I feel like screaming at him 'well if you miss me so much, why are you doing this to me?'

 

I can't say I agree with much of Homer's ideas. While it's good to show that you are emotionally strong and will survive without them, I don't think much reconciliation can be gained by blindly agreeing to everything. If that's the kind of relationship my husband would prefer he can buy a dog.

[Yasuandio]

Well - he's the one that asked you for the divorce. Acting happy is one of Homer's concepts.

 

Disagreeing with a divorce? Not sure where that will get you.

 

But rite now, you were out of town working, minding your own bussiness, and you get a call from your husband that he wants a divorce basically. You try some convincing, and make this bargain for 4 weeks, then immediately break the rules you yourself implemented. Is that working?

 

Why should you have left?

 

He's all broken up? I bet that is BS, hon. It is to either ease his guilt or keep his cover (plan divorce) because he is very confused. I see red flags - due to you being out of town quite a bit. You need to investigate. Next time you are out of town, have him serveilled. Check what records that you can. Yas smells a rat. Sorry. Stuff like this doesn't just happen out of the clear blue sky. Y