Suicidal Thoughts, Among other Things - Talk About it With Me?

[ThatOneCanadian]

Hello LoveShack community, ThatOneCanadian here. I just kind of want to type a whole bunch of stuff out since some...things have been going on and I would like see what some other people think about it.

 

First off, I know that somethings wrong with me mentally, I've done my research and although I've yet to see a professional I'm pretty sure it's serious.

 

So basically, since the summer of last year up until now I've begun to have suicidal thoughts. The first time I brushed it off (despite the fact that I spent the whole night crying about it) because I knew that everyone at one point thinks about their own death. The second time happened a month or two later, again I went and hide in my room and cried, but did nothing about it. Then it happened a third time, and a fourth, and now a fifth (just a couple hours ago actually). I know this isn't normal, and since I've actually created plans and methods to end my life during those 'breakdowns', its become apparent that this is a serious problem.

 

I mean at first, even when I thought about it, I knew I'd never actually do it. But somewhere between the first time and now it went from 'never' to 'probably'.

 

The thing is, I don't feel any urgency or concern about this at all. The only reason I told my parents (this was last week) was because I thought they should probably know.

 

It took me an hour to end up telling my Dad (I wasn't nervous, the words just wouldn't come out) and he took it pretty well, promising to help me and all that. I didn't want to tell my mom due to circumstances ( she was angry at me) so my dad ended up telling her. She didn't talk, or even mention it for two days. Then she randomly up and texted me a help phone line, and had a conversation with me the next morning.

 

Honestly, this just made things worse (my mom not my dad). I understand that she was angry at me, royally so, but I thought that you know, since this is a really serious issue, she would forget that for a while and help. Our 'talk' (basically her talking at me) consisted of her comparing her problems to mine. I think she was trying to tell me that life isn't all that bad and that she cares about me and whatever, but what it sounded like was the complete opposite. It felt like she was belittling my feelings, that her problems are so much more harder and complicated then mine, so since she's fine I obviously can work through it. She didn't actually say that, but that's what I kept hearing you know? When I'm talking about my problems with her, even when it's about me, it's not really about me.

 

The only thing that kept me from crying was the belief that she probably didn't mean it that way (though it still really hurt). She didn't ask me any questions either, and I wanted her to, my father did, tried to understand what what going on and such, but she didn't. I gave her so many opportunities, even outright asking her if she has any questions, but her insistence that I don't need to talk to her about it because there's professionals that would be better really make me never want to tell her about my problems again. She tells me she just doesn't want me to feel pressured but I'm positive that's not it.

 

Anyway, during these episodes that I'd have where I'd contemplate suicide, I'd just start crying. Like a lot. At first it seemed to be because I couldn't stand leaving my family sad (not because I wanted to die, strangely), but now I don't know. During the episodes now I'd just feel an intense pain. There doesn't seem to be any specific thought trigger (I've tested), like sometimes a certain thought can initiate the emotion one time and the other time it can't. I don't have an episode every time I think about suicide though, it's just that during these crying session the thought appears unbidden, so its more memorable.

 

I don't know if other people do this, but during these episodes I try to experiment with the emotions I'm feeling. Now during these episodes, the pain (that's not really how I'd describe it but it's the closest I can think of), isn't there the whole time, it appears and fades at seemingly random. During the times when I can't feel it-It's hard to describe, I don't feel nothing but I'm also not feeling anything in particular either. Though sometimes I can sense that dulled pain just creeping against the outer edges, and a simple tug brings it crashing down again.

 

I don't thinks it's right but the pain feels...nice, in a way. When I'm like that I know what I'm feeling, and I know it's there, and even if it's negative its something, if that makes any sense. Like the rest of the time I can't tell if I'm happy, or annoyed, or at least to a point where I can consciously recognize it. So I'll make an effort during those time to try and bring it back again, despite the fact that I'm balling my eyes out. (I've gotten better at making sure I'm quiet, again, not good but truthfully I don't really care).

 

Lately, I've been trying to become more aware of my feelings, because the progression of my behavior is fascinating and I want to recognize what is going on. That and I have this detached morbid interest in seeing how bad I will become. I don't know if other people think like that or if its just me, but for some reason I get the feeling that people shouldn't be interested in their downward spiraling psyche.

 

My life's not bad though, some would even call it great. Its just, for some reason I really really don't want to be here anymore. And at first I stuck to the fact that I could never do that to my family, but I'm starting to care less and less every time I think about it. I know it's selfish, but why can't I be selfish for once in my life? People are selfish at the expense of others, and I'm not saying that nobody would care, I know they would, but this is something that I'm beginning to really want. To just...get away from everything and everybody.

 

I imagine it; just drifting off after popping too many sleeping pills or something of the like. It'd be so wonderful, just leaving everything and being cloaked in eternal blackness or whatever it is that comes after death. I could just slip away with no pain whatsoever, so what if its the easy way out? or just a temporary solution to a permanent problem? If I ever end up doing it I won't have to deal with any problems or fears ever again.

 

Even now I recognize that fantasizing about it is wrong, but again, I really don't care.

 

I'm also pretty sure I have some form of Depression, probably some skewed version of Manic since, now that I think about it, I don't really have any 'highs' or 'happier times'. Just that weird indifference then pain.

 

So...ya. I already know that I need to go to therapy for this (though I don't really care to) and I plan on calling that help line sometime this week (again, really don't care to), for the sake of my parents. I just wanted to write it out and perhaps talk about it and see what some other people think, and maybe their own experiences.

 

Replies are appreciated as always

 

Waiting in Silence,

ThatOneCanadian

[TaraMaiden]

You're right.

you need to call a suicide help-line, see a therapist and maybe even a doctor, because your depression is so deep it's taken you down to 'indifferent' mode.

 

I can't think anyone would be in any position to be able to advise you anything more than this.

 

Let me just say this:

 

Suicide is one decision you will never live to regret.

 

However, everyone who loves you will.

For the rest of their lives.

[ThatOneCanadian]

'Indifferent mode'? Like indifferent about the fact that I want to commit suicide or the indifference I feel all the time?

 

And I know that others would be sad, but wouldn't they get over it eventually? I mean, people die every day right?

 

Thanks though, your reply really means a lot Really quick to respond too X3

[regine_phalange]

Life is sweet. You wouldn't want to miss it because of an untreated depression. Sometimes the chemistry in our bodies gets unbalanced and makes us think weird thins. Can you believe that I have made similar thoughts because of lack of vitamin D? "God! Seriously?" I say to my self now. How can something so stupid make us lose ourselves?

 

Make that appointment, first thing tomorrow, and tell us how it goes! It's going to be allright.

[TaraMaiden]

'Indifferent mode'? Like indifferent about the fact that I want to commit suicide or the indifference I feel all the time?

Both.

As a matter of curiosity, what method would you use?

 

And I know that others would be sad, but wouldn't they get over it eventually? I mean, people die every day right?

Suicide is different.

People find it almost impossible to process the fact that someone they loved would have both the courage and the selfishness to kill themselves.

It's inexplicable, even with a suicide note. It leaves more questions unanswered than explained, and the 'what if's' and 'why didn't we...' self-questions never end...

Your father and mother would forever reproach themselves that they were unable to help their own child.

 

Thanks though, your reply really means a lot Really quick to respond too X3

No problem.

keep posting.

At least we'd know you're still with us....

[ThatOneCanadian]

regine_phalange: Mm from what I read depression and many mental illnesses are due to a chemical imbalance in the body. And I'm planning on calling that help line thingy tomorrow, apparently they make you a profile and help you find the closest and best therapist/psychiatrist for you. Pretty neat no?

 

TaraMaiden: Method? Like how I'd do it? And oh, I knew I thought about that but seeing it written out makes it seem so much more...depressing. I think the only reason I haven't done it yet is because I wouldn't want to do that to my family, but its hard to think clearly when you're really down.

 

And heh, you guys are awesome, talking with me and everything. This isn't something I can really talk about with my parents, besides the basics anyway. So thanks

[TaraMaiden]

regine_phalange: Mm from what I read depression and many mental illnesses are due to a chemical imbalance in the body. And I'm planning on calling that help line thingy tomorrow, apparently they make you a profile and help you find the closest and best therapist/psychiatrist for you. Pretty neat no?

A zinc defficiency can also be very unbalancing...

 

TaraMaiden: Method? Like how I'd do it? And oh, I knew I thought about that but seeing it written out makes it seem so much more...depressing. I think the only reason I haven't done it yet is because I wouldn't want to do that to my family, but its hard to think clearly when you're really down.

I'm glad your family makes you hesitate. That's a good a reason as any, if not most, to really put a brake on such thoughts.

What used to put me off, was the thought that whatever I did, someone else would have to find me, and set about clearing up the mess. The thought of someone close to me having to cope with that, was a pretty good no-brainer, I can tell you.

 

And heh, you guys are awesome, talking with me and everything. This isn't something I can really talk about with my parents, besides the basics anyway. So thanks

I may sound cold, but I deal with stuff like this very matter-of-factly, which is actually easier on forum, with just written correspondence.

If I could see you, I'd probably be a lot more emotional.

But it helps the recipient (that's you) get a grip more successfully, I think.

[regine_phalange]

regine_phalange: Mm from what I read depression and many mental illnesses are due to a chemical imbalance in the body. And I'm planning on calling that help line thingy tomorrow, apparently they make you a profile and help you find the closest and best therapist/psychiatrist for you. Pretty neat no?

 

Great! Let us know We'll be waiting for your news!

[TaraMaiden]

By the way, ThatOneCanadian, You may want to take a look at this thread, post #5.

 

When things go wrong, they go wrong.

[ThatOneCanadian]

TaraMaiden:

I'm glad your family makes you hesitate. That's a good a reason as any, if not most, to really put a brake on such thoughts.

What used to put me off, was the thought that whatever I did, someone else would have to find me, and set about clearing up the mess. The thought of someone close to me having to cope with that, was a pretty good no-brainer, I can tell you.

 

Ya, I would prefer sleeping pills since it's painless, but I've thought about jumping in front of cars on the highway, jumping out of the car when its moving into oncoming traffic, stabbing myself in the heart/temple (don't really like this one, being cut or pinched to me is the worst kind of pain, and I don't know if I could hit hard enough), drown myself in a lake, or hiding myself away in the nearby conservation area and rot away from exhaustion/cold, though I also don't like the idea of starving....

And because I feel like it would hurt so many people, I also made plans to distance myself from others by making them hate me. I'm not sure what I would do though, I mean with whats going on right now between me and my parents (since they're still angry with me, or at least my mom is) its kind of coincidentally falling into place, though I know what we're fighting about won't get the kind of distance I'd need.

 

Since the sleeping pill one is the most reliable and easily achievable, that's the primary 'go-to' plan. But I don't like the thought of my mom coming to wake me in the morning only to realize that, well you know. Pretty traumatizing.

 

I may sound cold, but I deal with stuff like this very matter-of-factly, which is actually easier on forum, with just written correspondence.

If I could see you, I'd probably be a lot more emotional.

But it helps the recipient (that's you) get a grip more successfully, I think

 

And you don't sound cold Truthfully I prefer dealing and talking about it this way, it allows me to write what I honestly feel without too much emotional bias (though with this kind of thing its generally harder), and makes it easier to sort out my thoughts. And I just saw the link, I'll take a look at it now.

 

regine_phalange: I will!

Edited March 16, 2014 by ThatOneCanadian
accidental double quote

[ThatOneCanadian]

By the way, ThatOneCanadian, You may want to take a look at this thread, post #5.

 

When things go wrong, they go wrong.

Ah, that's so sad I mean I've read a lot about suicide and its consequences (better to be informed ne?) but it doesn't make it any easier when I hear about others attempts. Its hypocritical of me, and I've always been one to never heed my own advice, but I truly do feel bad for those that are hurt enough that they'll turn to suicide. They have so much to offer everyone, so many things to do.

 

Then again, its so hard to see the light in such a dark place, and its even worse for those that'd rather brave the nothingness than struggle for a chance to see a spark.

 

Its comforting, the dark.

 

But I think those people just need someone to show them the light again, care for them and love them, and make them forget that they ever wanted to stay in such a place.

 

heh...now that I think about it, that's probably what I need huh? I don't think I'll ever find a person like that though...

[kodakgirl]

I am really, really sorry to hear you are experiencing this. I have gone through severe depression (though, somehow, I managed to avoid actually being suicidal). It is awful. I was crying for 2-3 hours a day without realizing how extreme that was. One weekend I could not stop crying for two days straight, except for short periods where I was just exhausted. I experienced that feeling of complete indifference--just flat out not caring about anything. The only thing I actually enjoyed even a little bit was a hot bath--some days when I couldn't stand the thought of changing out of pajamas I'd have a bath in the morning just so I'd have to get dressed. And though I was aware I wasn't my regular happy self, I had no idea how bad it was. It scares me now to look back and it, scares me and makes me sad. I am a happy, positive, motivated person; I had good friends and supportive family; at the time I was involved with my ex who is a truly wonderful person (though it was long-distance, which didn't help my general sadness). But that's severe depression for you.

 

I am glad that you at least recognize something isn't right, and that you have told people. That is really important, and really difficult. Well done. Even if, right now, you only feel you are doing it for your family, hold on to that. Keep doing it for them. I agree you should keep contacting the helpline, and go see a therapist; I also think you really should see a doctor as soon as you can. "Mental illness" unfortunately carries a stigma "physical" diseases don't, but it IS largely physical. Something is going wrong in the body of a person suffering severe depression. Medicine doesn't have all the answers yet to what or why, but they know enough to make a huge difference. Anti-depressants are almost certainly over-prescribed, but that doesn't detract from the benefit they provide for the people they are intended for-- people suffering severe depression. Anti-depressants aren't a 'quick fix'-- in fact it takes at least a month to see any effect-- nor do they make everything better, nor do they make you happy. But as you know, when you're feeling like you are, you just can't get anywhere. There's this mass crushing you. No matter of willpower can push that out of the way. What anti-depressants do is lift off that mass, so at least you can breathe. You can get back to the level everyone else is at. You can actually feel yourself again. What you do with that is up to you.

 

Of course I am not a medical professional, and even if I was, I'd never definitely diagnose or prescribe over a message board; but I feel you really, really need to discuss this with a medical professional. I didn't want to. I didn't want to go to counselling. I figured I could just manage and it would go away eventually, or that I could reason my way out of it. My mother-- who has suffered severe depression herself (as well as HER mother-- very strong genetic predisposition in my family)) recognized where I was, like I recognize where you are, but she couldn't force me. My boyfriend couldn't force me. Finally, after that weekend I mentioned where I could not stop crying, I scared myself enough to do it. I went to the doctor and explained how I felt and he gave me anti-depressants right away. I went to see a therapist and broke down in tears about how I didn't feel like myself anymore. And you know what? After about a month of anti-depressants-- I felt so much better. A lot of things in my life really sucked at that point-- I was also dealing with health problems at the time and landed in hospital, missing a very important event at my university and falling behind on all the schoolwork I was already struggling with, I wasn't sure if I could even finish that year (and school was very important to me) AND that boyfriend told me how he didn't really want to be a long-distance relationship plus there was someone else. But I felt better. I felt like my actual self. I felt I could actually think about the things going on in my life. I felt I could actually imagine it passing.

 

My life basically kept really sucking for another year or two-- pretty much everything fell apart. I felt pretty awful about a lot of things. But I NEVER felt as bad as I did during those couple months of untreated severe depression. Even when I felt sad or frustrated or hopeless-- it was never like that ever again. That feeling is not a normal emotion. It comes from somewhere else. You do not have to accept it, any more than someone with asthma has to accept constant shortness of breath. Don't accept it.

 

It is a very pretty thought to think someone will come along and "show you the light again." But it doesn't work like that. I was in love during my severe depression-- I never stopped loving him, I clung to my love of him against the battering of indifference. He was very, very kind and very supportive. But he couldn't fix it for me. Nothing he could have done could have fixed it. No one can love someone else out of their illness-- if they could, very few people would ever die. It has to come from you. Medicine can really really help, as can therapy (ideally both together, but absolutely one or the other). But that light is in you. I know you don't see it right now, and I understand why. But it is there. Believe it is there. It's going to shine again.

 

Please keep posting. We're total strangers but we care. No one wants to see another go through what you are going through.

[ThatOneCanadian]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but awesome that you are strong enough to work through it, it's very inspiring

 

And usually I don't think about it, but sometimes, I find that I don't feel like I should. Like I'm not happy when I should be, or excited. The indifference thing is okay with negative emotions, since If I do feel them they are insignificant enough to be ignored or pushed aside, but I kinda want to enjoy things again you know?

 

Of course I am not a medical professional, and even if I was, I'd never definitely diagnose or prescribe over a message board; but I feel you really, really need to discuss this with a medical professional.

 

I know...even though I don't particularly care to go to someone to help me, I'm curious to see a professional input on my condition, and my parents will make me go at some point so its pretty inevitable.

 

But I felt better. I felt like my actual self. I felt I could actually think about the things going on in my life. I felt I could actually imagine it passing.

 

And I don't think I know who 'myself' is anymore. The thoughts have only been recent but the whole indifference has been going on for years, starting somewhere in middle school (that's a minimum of 7 years, since I remember feelings things during grade 4). It's strange when I compare myself now to how I used to be.

 

It is a very pretty thought to think someone will come along and "show you the light again." But it doesn't work like that. I was in love during my severe depression-- I never stopped loving him, I clung to my love of him against the battering of indifference. He was very, very kind and very supportive. But he couldn't fix it for me. Nothing he could have done could have fixed it. No one can love someone else out of their illness-- if they could, very few people would ever die. It has to come from you. Medicine can really really help, as can therapy (ideally both together, but absolutely one or the other). But that light is in you. I know you don't see it right now, and I understand why. But it is there. Believe it is there. It's going to shine again.

 

Isn't it? I know that reality doesn't work like that, its more of a fantastical daydream than anything, but its still nice to think about you know?

 

And thanks. For caring I mean. Besides my parents no one else knows (or even suspects it), and there's only so much you can talk about with them.

Edited March 17, 2014 by ThatOneCanadian
Accidentally pressed enter before I was finished...opps

[jba10582]

I am really impressed with the level of kindness that this board shows...and I read this, and I think more people care than you think...it's kind of hard to respond to, but, I want to let you know, there's plenty of people who do not want you to go down to those levels...I don't wish it on anyone. I am glad you are taking the steps to talk to more people about this, because, when you show the level of openness and awareness like you have, people really do want to help you...and help you to help yourself for whatever is it that can get you through this, and hope that you find little ways that bring some of the good feelings back to you in stronger and more positive ways!

 

I do not know what you religion is, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, unless you ask me not too. That is something that always helped me feel better, knowing that you were in someones prayers.

 

I hope you you can hold your head up just a little bit, and see the light, to be gently guided back above.

[Bantosm]

To the op, I had the same feelings before. One thing that has really helped me is to eat more fish. Especially oily fish like sardines. I had them at first, but after awhile I can tolerate them. Plus they are really filling and a good source of protein.

[kodakgirl]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but awesome that you are strong enough to work through it, it's very inspiring

 

I'm glad you feel that way. I feel if I can inspire or encourage other people going through similar things-- and it is more common than you think, even among people who seem fine or even great on the outside-- then it was worth it.

 

 

 

And usually I don't think about it, but sometimes, I find that I don't feel like I should. Like I'm not happy when I should be, or excited. The indifference thing is okay with negative emotions, since If I do feel them they are insignificant enough to be ignored or pushed aside, but I kinda want to enjoy things again you know?

 

I know, absolutely. I am a very emotional person, easily moved, easily excited over little things. It was awful not to have any of that. Sometimes I'd get just a flash, but then I'd feel worse when it was snatched away again just as quickly. I was in Nova Scotia at the time and the falls there are just stunning, earlier years I'd been so happy and excited just to see the trees and collect the fallen leaves, and that year I missed that feeling so badly. I'd look at the gorgeous trees and want to feel like I used to but I just didn't.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it right now but you CAN get back to enjoying things. You will. There is so much out there to enjoy. You want to be in a place where you can. Right now maybe all you can do is grit your teeth and wait for that day, but do wait. Remember what you are waiting for. You want to get there.

 

I know...even though I don't particularly care to go to someone to help me, I'm curious to see a professional input on my condition, and my parents will make me go at some point so its pretty inevitable.

 

I absolutely understand. I personally hate asking for help. I hate going to the doctor. But sometimes we all need to. If all you feel right now is mild curiosity, good, as long as that gets you out the door! It is interesting, really-- I find psychology and psychiatry fascinating, even more so because of my own experiences. If it helps you to think of it as an experiment, do it. Think of trying out a therapist and/or doctor just as a test to see what happens. Sometimes when you are struggling to do something it helps to find a mental shortcut around the struggle (if that makes any sense). This is ultimately for you, but if it helps to think of your family or think of your curiosity instead, do that for now. Anything that gets you on the right track.

 

Also I am glad to hear you do have a family who will make you go at some point. I am sorry to hear that your mother isn't coming across as terribly supportive, but it sounds like they do care. People who aren't experienced with depression, either in themselves or a loved one, sometimes have a hard time knowing how to deal with it. They just don't get that it's something bigger than just the feelings of sadness or overwhelmedness or indifference. It's hard on both sides. But if they are there to help you and to find you help and make sure you get help-- that IS something, and it is love and care. I'm sure they won't be perfect in working with you-- but I"m sure they wish they could be.

 

 

And I don't think I know who 'myself' is anymore. The thoughts have only been recent but the whole indifference has been going on for years, starting somewhere in middle school (that's a minimum of 7 years, since I remember feelings things during grade 4). It's strange when I compare myself now to how I used to be.

 

I'm sorry to hear you've felt it (or not felt it) for so long. I feel very sad things have been like that for you. But I also feel a lot of hope-- you remember what it like and you haven't given up, even if you've wanted to. You recognize this isn't right. That might seem small but really it is a huge step.

 

And now that you're on that step, the great thing is-- things can change. You are very young and there is so much out there. You can get to the point where you feel that and want to be a part of it. Life can go from monochrome to brilliantly coloured. You have so much potential. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, I really do. But remember I have been there too. You can trust me. Things can get better. Tell yourself they can. You won't believe yourself at first, but tell yourself anyway. Write it down. If you can just get through this, your day is going to come and it is going to be so beautiful.

 

 

Isn't it? I know that reality doesn't work like that, its more of a fantastical daydream than anything, but its still nice to think about you know?

 

Oh I know. I am definitely a romantic at heart. There is nothing wrong with thinking about it, having a sweet little fantasy in your mind, as long as it doesn't interfere with reality when that day comes. Because that's something else in your future. Some day you are going to meet someone really special-- you want to be present for that, don't you? You want to be yourself. You want to enjoy your time with this special person and enjoy love and everything that goes with it. So there is one more thing you can hold on to while you are fighting through this. You are working not just for yourself, not just for your family, but for that person you are going to meet one day.

 

 

And thanks. For caring I mean. Besides my parents no one else knows (or even suspects it), and there's only so much you can talk about with them.

 

Of course! Talking, and feeling safe doing so, is so meaningful. Don't trap it all in your head. It's too much to deal with. I admire your willingness to share and to listen and to accept our care. I feel you are much stronger than you think. You can keep going, and you can get somewhere better.

[ThatOneCanadian]

jba1058: I am too, its amazing to see other people honestly care for some stranger they don't even know. And that's very kind of you to think of me, I don't mind at all

 

Bantosm: Well I do like fish, so maybe I'll try that too. Thanks

[ThatOneCanadian]

kodakgirl:

I absolutely understand. I personally hate asking for help. I hate going to the doctor. But sometimes we all need to. If all you feel right now is mild curiosity, good, as long as that gets you out the door! It is interesting, really-- I find psychology and psychiatry fascinating, even more so because of my own experiences. If it helps you to think of it as an experiment, do it. Think of trying out a therapist and/or doctor just as a test to see what happens. Sometimes when you are struggling to do something it helps to find a mental shortcut around the struggle (if that makes any sense). This is ultimately for you, but if it helps to think of your family or think of your curiosity instead, do that for now. Anything that gets you on the right track.

 

I'll stick with that idea then, I too have always been interested in this sort of thing, the human mind is so weird and strange and bizarre sometimes, but that's what makes it so fascinating

 

Also I am glad to hear you do have a family who will make you go at some point. I am sorry to hear that your mother isn't coming across as terribly supportive, but it sounds like they do care. People who aren't experienced with depression, either in themselves or a loved one, sometimes have a hard time knowing how to deal with it. They just don't get that it's something bigger than just the feelings of sadness or overwhelmedness or indifference. It's hard on both sides. But if they are there to help you and to find you help and make sure you get help-- that IS something, and it is love and care. I'm sure they won't be perfect in working with you-- but I"m sure they wish they could be.

 

Ya, I know that she herself dealt with a mild form of depression when she was younger, but now, (since my head is clear and I'm feeling much better than yesterday) I think she just doesn't know how to react to it. When the opportunity comes though I am most definitely sitting her down and talking about it with her. I think that's what made me so upset, that she didn't really want to seem that involved, so all I have to do is tell her that right?

 

I'm very glad I have such wonderful parents though, it's nice to know that I'll someone to help and support me through this.

 

I'm sorry to hear you've felt it (or not felt it) for so long. I feel very sad things have been like that for you. But I also feel a lot of hope-- you remember what it like and you haven't given up, even if you've wanted to. You recognize this isn't right. That might seem small but really it is a huge step.

 

I think I kind of realized somethings wrong a long time ago, but didn't really actively think or do anything about, the feeling (or not feeling I suppose) just kind of became normal after awhile. And I actually surprised myself that I'm so analytically, especially when it comes to self-awareness and introspection, I didn't realize that it was such a big deal, to recognize whats going on I mean.

 

And now that you're on that step, the great thing is-- things can change. You are very young and there is so much out there. You can get to the point where you feel that and want to be a part of it. Life can go from monochrome to brilliantly coloured. You have so much potential. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, I really do. But remember I have been there too. You can trust me. Things can get better. Tell yourself they can. You won't believe yourself at first, but tell yourself anyway. Write it down. If you can just get through this, your day is going to come and it is going to be so beautiful.

 

I don't know if it's because to today is one of my 'good' days or whatever (since I never paid attention to myself before it's been a little hard to tell what I'm feeling), but I'd really like to believe that. Things seem okay right now, which is weird compared to the sobbing mess I was yesterday. This is so confusing sometimes I swear T^T.

 

Anyway, I've always planned and wanted to revisit Italy, learn to draw well ( I'm not very good unfortunately but its fun), learn Italian and Japanese, start a huge an awesome book collection, travel to Britain, finish all the incomplete manga/anime/books that I randomly drop and forget about. The list is pretty long as it is so I'll leave it at that, but right now its a list of things that I still want to do and though I could live without doing any of that stuff I suppose it would help to have something to look forward to...

 

Oh I know. I am definitely a romantic at heart. There is nothing wrong with thinking about it, having a sweet little fantasy in your mind, as long as it doesn't interfere with reality when that day comes. Because that's something else in your future. Some day you are going to meet someone really special-- you want to be present for that, don't you? You want to be yourself. You want to enjoy your time with this special person and enjoy love and everything that goes with it. So there is one more thing you can hold on to while you are fighting through this. You are working not just for yourself, not just for your family, but for that person you are going to meet one day.

 

I like that thought The idea of someone caring about me enough to help me through it always seemed so magical. But whoever ends up with me better love me a whole lot if I'm going to go to all this trouble for them XD

 

Of course! Talking, and feeling safe doing so, is so meaningful. Don't trap it all in your head. It's too much to deal with. I admire your willingness to share and to listen and to accept our care. I feel you are much stronger than you think. You can keep going, and you can get somewhere better.

 

Ya, it seems to really help to talk about all this with others. And I know that dealing with this kind of thing without telling anyone and doing it by yourself really isn't a good thing. It just allows the thoughts to fester since you don't have anyone to tell you that something might be wrong, or how serious it is.

 

And I appreciate everything that everyone on this forum has did for me. Not only have you all taken time out of your day to talk with me, but you have been legitimately and honestly trying to help me through this and understand what I'm going through. Truly, I can't express this as well as I would like to how much this means to me.

 

And a little off topic, but I just wanted to say that today I felt calm. Not really happy or content or anything, just at ease. It was nice change. It will probably end soon if my earlier behavior is anything to go by, but it really gives me a clearer head to think about things. Oh and in a little bit I'll be calling that help line, I'm a little apprehensive actually...talking about something like that over the phone just seems a little...daunting, I guess. So I've basically resolved to wait for my dad to get home so he can hopefully distract my siblings so they won't hear/interrupt, that and it gives me time to collect my thoughts.

Edited March 17, 2014 by ThatOneCanadian
Again, double quoted. Maah I really need to get used to this site....

[FrostBlaze]

Have the same problem. I had them every few month's at first, now it really depends on my mood, i can think about suicidal stuff once a week or every few days, so it's quite often.

However i am aware of my problem, this whole drepession/bipolr idk what it is exactly, and am trying to fix it myself, have been for years now, it's just gotten slightly worse atm cuz of some other emotional issues.

The bolded part, yeah years, because i got rid of it at one point, was okay for 2-3 years, it has resurfaced about 1 year ago, again.

And i don't have what is needed for a shrink right now.

 

But i will pull through and so can you. I just have a never ending well of hope that keeps me going, stuff will change xD.

 

Funny, my mom does the same as yours when i told her my problems, so i never mentioned this to her.

Another funny thing is she comes at me and is all sad and tells me HOW TOUCHED she is that our neighbour girl is going through depression and i should help her out...she doesn't even notice i have it too ^^.

 

Anyway, good luck in recovery, i like to do it myself to somehow prove how "strong" i can be ^_^ wich is silly i know. Because if i was, i wouldn't be here in the first place. But i "beat" it once...lal this sounds so odd.

Edited March 17, 2014 by FrostBlaze

[ThatOneCanadian]

FrostBlaze: Ya! If we stick together we'll both make it through It hurts me to hear that you're going through it too though. It is most definitely not a pleasant feeling and way of live, but it's good that you're working towards your own betterment

 

And I'll probably end up sticking with my dad when I need to discuss things, I know my mom is trying to help and all but, well...she just kind of makes it worse sometimes.

 

Nobody's noticed either, the only reason people know now is because I told them outright. My closest friends never even noticed (not that I'm going to tell them though, not yet anyway).

 

And it's so weird when people tell me I'm always cheerful and happy all the time. I mean ya, I'm not really one to start crying in public, make a big deal of my problems in front of others, or openly share my anger/sadness, but its strange to think that how other people see me is the exact opposite of who I really am or what I really feel. So strange.

 

And thanks! Good luck to you too! And of course you're strong, you wouldn't be trying to help yourself if you weren't right? Getting to the point you're at isn't weakness, it's not your fault nor your own inability that brought you there. Our body's just become a little off sometimes, whether due to genetics or otherwise, and is not something we can actively control.

 

And I don't think you actively trying to make yourself better is silly at all, you're very strong, and don't you ever tell yourself otherwise

[FrostBlaze]

Well good luck and keep us posted on your progress ^^.

Mind opening up to some close friends, they could help, i know you may think not to bother them.

Talking this over with other people except your shrink can help, just don't do it to often, then it's a nuissance xD baha.

[ThatOneCanadian]

I shall!

 

And that's pretty much why I don't want to tell them, I've never really been one to talk about my problems/real feelings to others, so it seems uncomfortable for someone to know such a personal thing about me. It's easier online though, since its not face to face and I've always been better at writing down what I want to say rather than saying it.

 

X3 That's true, I'd rather not bother others.

[TaraMaiden]

I read something the other day which brought you to mind: Something along the lines of,

 

"Suicide doesn't bring to an end, the past things that went wrong; it prevents the huge potential for the future things to go right."

 

Cutting your life off abruptly, leaves a massive, unanswered 'what if....?' and destroys the possibility of a future with fewer regrets and more emotional wealth.

 

Have you thought of taking up meditating?

I subscribe to a Buddhist forum (no, I'm not preaching; Buddhists aren't the only people to meditate....) and we have several members there, who actually have various, diagnosed, medically-supervised mental illnesses.

They have all found meditation to be of profound benefit.

You might like to investigate that avenue.

[suladas]

I'm glad you're doing better

 

I get the feeling, due to many things that have happened in the past while, I was really struggling for awhile months ago. My situation is only different I think because I know the things that brought it on, and therefore what is needed to make it better, well I guess only if it was that easy. Not caring sucks. Going for days just not caring if you die, hoping you don't wake up in the morning etc was really awful.

 

I don't know exactly what happened, I kept everything to myself but things have improved a little. While I am in not exactly happy and still have periods of down, it has improved at least.

 

I admire your effort to share with others, it is really good. Things will get better

[ThatOneCanadian]

So, I called the help line. Really nice and everything, though they kind of made my dad talk for half an hour for his consent since I'm 16, only to then tell him after that they don't need his consent because I'm 16 XD Mah I feel bad for him but it's still pretty funny.

 

And the counselor lady that I talked to (the one to confirm whats going on and set up appointments with me and a prevention plan and all that) was nice too, though she sounded a little nervous and sometimes thrown off by my answers. I didn't think they were that strange or different or whatever, but I'm just gonna assume I heard her wrong or she's new or something. So tomorrow, at 9, I'm going to go talk to a therapist lady person It's great since my dad actually went to her and knows her so I'm not going in blind.

 

I gotta say starting to talk over the phone though was hard, not because I was nervous but because I had no idea how to start X3 Seriously, poor lady had to listen to me stutter, randomly stop and trip over my words for like 5 minutes. Thankfully I finally told her I have no idea what I'm supposed to do or say and she was really nice and explained to me how it'd work.

 

This was kind of out of no where but I just really wanted to tell you guys, and I'm a little excited to talk to someone and see what they say, so ya ^^

 

And thanks to both TaraMaiden and suladas for your replies! I've actually been trying to practice breathing meditation (for lucid dreaming purposes, but I suppose it'd work for this too), I don't really think I'm doing it right though...ah but practice and research make perfect though ne?

 

And I'd like things to get better to suladas, though I'm a little concerned this is just my 'high' talking (not as in a high from drugs (nothankyou) but from a period of being 'okay' relative to when I'm feeling down). And I'm happy that you're improving, it's wonderful to see people work towards their own happiness and better themselves, even if only a little

Edited March 18, 2014 by ThatOneCanadian
Extra and...whoops :D