Suicidal Thoughts, Among other Things - Talk About it With Me?

[suladas]

You have so much to look forward to being so young, you're only 16! Yep it does seem to go in cycles doesn't it? Just appreciate the good times and remember the good times are only a short time away when things are bad. Thanks, i'm glad to, it's awful to feel like that. Keep talking to people who will help you, you owe it to yourself. You seem like a great kid

[whichwayisup]

Hello LoveShack community, ThatOneCanadian here. I just kind of want to type a whole bunch of stuff out since some...things have been going on and I would like see what some other people think about it.

 

First off, I know that somethings wrong with me mentally, I've done my research and although I've yet to see a professional I'm pretty sure it's serious.

 

So basically, since the summer of last year up until now I've begun to have suicidal thoughts. The first time I brushed it off (despite the fact that I spent the whole night crying about it) because I knew that everyone at one point thinks about their own death. The second time happened a month or two later, again I went and hide in my room and cried, but did nothing about it. Then it happened a third time, and a fourth, and now a fifth (just a couple hours ago actually). I know this isn't normal, and since I've actually created plans and methods to end my life during those 'breakdowns', its become apparent that this is a serious problem.

 

I mean at first, even when I thought about it, I knew I'd never actually do it. But somewhere between the first time and now it went from 'never' to 'probably'.

 

The thing is, I don't feel any urgency or concern about this at all. The only reason I told my parents (this was last week) was because I thought they should probably know.

 

It took me an hour to end up telling my Dad (I wasn't nervous, the words just wouldn't come out) and he took it pretty well, promising to help me and all that. I didn't want to tell my mom due to circumstances ( she was angry at me) so my dad ended up telling her. She didn't talk, or even mention it for two days. Then she randomly up and texted me a help phone line, and had a conversation with me the next morning.

 

Honestly, this just made things worse (my mom not my dad). I understand that she was angry at me, royally so, but I thought that you know, since this is a really serious issue, she would forget that for a while and help. Our 'talk' (basically her talking at me) consisted of her comparing her problems to mine. I think she was trying to tell me that life isn't all that bad and that she cares about me and whatever, but what it sounded like was the complete opposite. It felt like she was belittling my feelings, that her problems are so much more harder and complicated then mine, so since she's fine I obviously can work through it. She didn't actually say that, but that's what I kept hearing you know? When I'm talking about my problems with her, even when it's about me, it's not really about me.

 

The only thing that kept me from crying was the belief that she probably didn't mean it that way (though it still really hurt). She didn't ask me any questions either, and I wanted her to, my father did, tried to understand what what going on and such, but she didn't. I gave her so many opportunities, even outright asking her if she has any questions, but her insistence that I don't need to talk to her about it because there's professionals that would be better really make me never want to tell her about my problems again. She tells me she just doesn't want me to feel pressured but I'm positive that's not it.

 

Anyway, during these episodes that I'd have where I'd contemplate suicide, I'd just start crying. Like a lot. At first it seemed to be because I couldn't stand leaving my family sad (not because I wanted to die, strangely), but now I don't know. During the episodes now I'd just feel an intense pain. There doesn't seem to be any specific thought trigger (I've tested), like sometimes a certain thought can initiate the emotion one time and the other time it can't. I don't have an episode every time I think about suicide though, it's just that during these crying session the thought appears unbidden, so its more memorable.

 

I don't know if other people do this, but during these episodes I try to experiment with the emotions I'm feeling. Now during these episodes, the pain (that's not really how I'd describe it but it's the closest I can think of), isn't there the whole time, it appears and fades at seemingly random. During the times when I can't feel it-It's hard to describe, I don't feel nothing but I'm also not feeling anything in particular either. Though sometimes I can sense that dulled pain just creeping against the outer edges, and a simple tug brings it crashing down again.

 

I don't thinks it's right but the pain feels...nice, in a way. When I'm like that I know what I'm feeling, and I know it's there, and even if it's negative its something, if that makes any sense. Like the rest of the time I can't tell if I'm happy, or annoyed, or at least to a point where I can consciously recognize it. So I'll make an effort during those time to try and bring it back again, despite the fact that I'm balling my eyes out. (I've gotten better at making sure I'm quiet, again, not good but truthfully I don't really care).

 

Lately, I've been trying to become more aware of my feelings, because the progression of my behavior is fascinating and I want to recognize what is going on. That and I have this detached morbid interest in seeing how bad I will become. I don't know if other people think like that or if its just me, but for some reason I get the feeling that people shouldn't be interested in their downward spiraling psyche.

 

My life's not bad though, some would even call it great. Its just, for some reason I really really don't want to be here anymore. And at first I stuck to the fact that I could never do that to my family, but I'm starting to care less and less every time I think about it. I know it's selfish, but why can't I be selfish for once in my life? People are selfish at the expense of others, and I'm not saying that nobody would care, I know they would, but this is something that I'm beginning to really want. To just...get away from everything and everybody.

 

I imagine it; just drifting off after popping too many sleeping pills or something of the like. It'd be so wonderful, just leaving everything and being cloaked in eternal blackness or whatever it is that comes after death. I could just slip away with no pain whatsoever, so what if its the easy way out? or just a temporary solution to a permanent problem? If I ever end up doing it I won't have to deal with any problems or fears ever again.

 

Even now I recognize that fantasizing about it is wrong, but again, I really don't care.

 

I'm also pretty sure I have some form of Depression, probably some skewed version of Manic since, now that I think about it, I don't really have any 'highs' or 'happier times'. Just that weird indifference then pain.

 

So...ya. I already know that I need to go to therapy for this (though I don't really care to) and I plan on calling that help line sometime this week (again, really don't care to), for the sake of my parents. I just wanted to write it out and perhaps talk about it and see what some other people think, and maybe their own experiences.

 

Replies are appreciated as always

 

Waiting in Silence,

ThatOneCanadian

 

Your mom and the relationship you have with her is partially the cause as to why you feel this way. Your mom's issues are hers and have nothing to do with you - She's selfish and not a loving/kind/supportive parent but your dad is.

 

Reach out to friends and other close members of your family. Stop opening up and talking to your mom until you can handle it better and are feeling better. That's so important right now, to be around those you trust and feel safe with.

 

Cognitive behaviour therapy can help you, as well as going on meds. The suicidal thoughts, the enjoying the negatives, the pain is a symptom of major depression and if not taken care of it's only going to get worse.

 

Speak to your family Dr, ask for a referral... Tomorrow! Please just do it, the sooner you get to talk to someone and maybe get on meds, the better you'll feel.

 

Edited to add:

 

Just read that you have spoken to someone, that's great!

 

Keep strong and just know you're going to be okay. So happy that your dad is there and has your back, always.

[kodakgirl]

Hi there OP, how have you been doing? Wishing you well!!!

[ThatOneCanadian]

Ah, I've been doing well, a lot better actually I've started to go to the gym in the mornings and it gives me a goal and something to focus on. I'm also getting back on track with all my school work as well, so there's A lot less stress now. I even went to my therapist today , and told her I've been doing much better (that and I may be asexual, how the topic got to that I have no idea XD)

 

Thanks for checking up though, kodakgirl Sorry for the late reply though, I've been a little bust, what with catching up on my schoolwork and whatnot ^^