cmm196934 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 I am in the last stages of my divorce 41 days and counting. My husband left me and our three sons for the girl he was having an affair with and now he says they are getting married as soon as the divorce is final. That hurts and I guess it will for a while. He is doing things like staying home and being a father to her children from her two previous marriages, things he never did for me and our sons. He tells the children I won't let him come home, I begged and pleaded for the longest time and finally came to the realization that it is over with. He plays mind games with our sons and all I want to do to him is slap him in the face for playing on their emotions. I started dating again and my stbxh is having a fit because I finally moved on. Why is he doing this? Everyone tells me he wants his cake and to eat it too. Will he ever realize enough is enough? Why won't he stay out of my life and why won't he quit questioning the boys about me? Needing some advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 He made the decision to end the marriage. Make him live with the consequences of it. Limit your contact with him to as minimal as you can make it. Keep the parenting relationship strictly business. Sometimes people want to hang onto the EX, and be friends. Personally, I think they do that in an effort to help themselves transition. Your FRIENDS don't waste years out of your life, and then dump you to marry someone else. Don't allow him to share his feelings or problems with you. That is cake-eating. He still probably wants you to make all this better for him. Tough. He made his bed, let him lay in it. Cut him out of your life in every way that is not pertinant to child-rearing. As far as the kids go, don't allow them to hear you say bad things to, or about, each other. Don't allow them to be put in the role of intermediary. They'll grow up, and they'll recognize bullsh*t when they smell it. He won't pull anything over on them in the end. Just make sure you're doing the right things in the interim. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 He made the decision to end the marriage. Make him live with the consequences of it. Limit your contact with him to as minimal as you can make it. Keep the parenting relationship strictly business. This is what my stbxw did. Sometimes people want to hang onto the EX, and be friends. Personally, I think they do that in an effort to help themselves transition. Your FRIENDS don't waste years out of your life, and then dump you to marry someone else. This is what my stbxw is doing. Don't allow him to share his feelings or problems with you. That is cake-eating. He still probably wants you to make all this better for him. Tough. He made his bed, let him lay in it. Cut him out of your life in every way that is not pertinant to child-rearing. this is what my stbxw is doing. As far as the kids go, don't allow them to hear you say bad things to, or about, each other. Don't allow them to be put in the role of intermediary. They'll grow up, and they'll recognize bullsh*t when they smell it. He won't pull anything over on them in the end. Just make sure you're doing the right things in the interim. this is what we're both doing. And to think, All I did was be a good husband and human being. I agrree with LadyJAne in this situation, but this behavior in my sitation is utterly evil. One mans trash is another mans treasure I guess... I hope it goes for women too. like never before MA Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 One mans trash is another mans treasure I guess... And the sad thing about it is, the women we treasured are being treated like trash by other guys now. Link to post Share on other sites
Zoot Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog And the sad thing about it is, the women we treasured are being treated like trash by other guys now. Probably more than one woman looks back to the one they left behind in great remorse. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 Originally posted by MassiveAtom but this behavior in my sitation is utterly evil. Hey, what's sauce for the goose, right? Turn it right back on her. It'll mess with her sense of self-importance when she's no longer getting under your skin. Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 Hey, what's sauce for the goose, right? Turn it right back on her. It'll mess with her sense of self-importance when she's no longer getting under your skin. LOL! Ladyane, You know me better than that. No matter what she does, I don't want her to be miserable. It's good for her that she has found a self-worth so strong that she feels powerful. that's something I was working to help her understand. That she has personal power, and can be happy in her own self. I guess I'm pretty good at it. I don't want her to come to harm, I just want the last vestiges of the pain I'm feeling to go away. I still haven't been given a reason for any of this, that would go a long way toward healing, But I guess I'll have to go without. To the O.P. I think the best medicine, if you can stomach it, is to be kind and gentle when he calls to talk. But draw the line clearly where you need to. It's okay to be spiteful, and angry and he should know you are, but what good does it do for you. It's clear to me I need to listen to that last statement myself. I would be willing to bet that in his head, he's ABSOLUTELY right. It's his heart that you have. You can give it back to him, but I warn you, for a man, there is no anesthetic powerful enough to dull that pain. like never before MA Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Originally posted by MassiveAtom No matter what she does, I don't want her to be miserable. Yeah, I agree with you there. You wouldn't feel any better making someone else unhappy. But you can still step back a little when your wounds are raw, and give yourself some respite when the interactions are making you sad. That wouldn't be mean, particularly if you explained it to her first. Everybody has to muddle through at their own pace and in their own way. Be patient with yourself. You're gonna get there. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 Excellent advice LadyJane I agree with everything in your post. Personally I like to think I have learned a little in the past few months, and that I would like to treat my ex the way I want to be treated (not like I did in the past) as he is the type of person who would reciprocate, or at least I would like to think so. If things start to get messy (only been separated for 2 weeks), then I will resort to "strictly business" and only have contact where the kids are concerned. b. Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted February 3, 2005 Share Posted February 3, 2005 cmm, to answer your question: "Why is he doing this?" throwing a fit and such that you're dating. It's very simple. He still loves you and hasn't let go of his feelings for you. He's in excruciating pain. MA Link to post Share on other sites
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