is there such a thing as "only good enough for sex but not for dating"?

[KathyM]

Just for the sake of argument..if most of guys want an actual relationship..then most guys I meet in clubs should also want relationships? Then why did you say they be only looking for hookups?

Guys in clubs are not most guys. They are only a very small portion of guys. Of that small portion who go to clubs, some will be looking for a hookup. Some might be looking for an actual relationship, but will deem you as not relationship worthy if you give it up so easily. They will think you do that with every guy you meet at the bar.

[SensitiveTJ]

OP, what I'm gathering from this thread is that there is a disconnect between what you say you want and what you're actually doing. You say you are looking for an exclusive relationship. Great. But you also say that you have had casual sex in the past and sex outside committed relationships. These two facts work at cross-purposes.

 

 

I think a lot of people (myself included) who are relationship-oriented are not interested in casual sex- and people who have a history of casual sex. So your past might be dragging down your future, in this situation. If it's known in your social circle that you are available for a more NSA/FWB kind of situation, I think you will attract men who are into that, and drive away guys who are more relationship-minded. It's kind of the bed you've made. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

 

 

If I've misunderstood your relationship style and history, I apologize.

[BradJacobs]

Anyone else has the same problem and how do you deal with it?

You just deal with it because you have to.

 

You will change your sexual behavior when a long-term relationship becomes more important to you than a short-term fling.

[h0000]

OP, what I'm gathering from this thread is that there is a disconnect between what you say you want and what you're actually doing. You say you are looking for an exclusive relationship. Great. But you also say that you have had casual sex in the past and sex outside committed relationships. These two facts work at cross-purposes.

 

 

I think a lot of people (myself included) who are relationship-oriented are not interested in casual sex- and people who have a history of casual sex. So your past might be dragging down your future, in this situation. If it's known in your social circle that you are available for a more NSA/FWB kind of situation, I think you will attract men who are into that, and drive away guys who are more relationship-minded. It's kind of the bed you've made. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

 

 

If I've misunderstood your relationship style and history, I apologize.

I want a serious relationship yes. and occasionally I have casual sex as well yes. But why are they contradicting? People who wants meaningful relationships should/will never have casual sex? it's not like im a regular in clubs or anything so I really am not worried about my "reputation".

and plus most guys I meet arent in my social circle.

[SensitiveTJ]

I want a serious relationship yes. and occasionally I have casual sex as well yes. But why are they contradicting? People who wants meaningful relationships should/will never have casual sex? it's not like im a regular in clubs or anything so I really am not worried about my "reputation".

and plus most guys I meet arent in my social circle.

 

 

Just my opinion, but I think it's really hard to have it both ways. In my experience-and only my experience-people who are looking for relationships tend not to have casual sex or get involved with those who have casual sex. It's a difference of values. I personally don't have casual sex and I would not date someone who did have that in their past. Just my preference.

 

 

Speaking perfectly honestly, I think you will have a lot of trouble finding relationships if you also want to have no-string-attached sex. You may not see the contradiction, but many people do. And I think it is likely that a lot of the men you want to have commitment with are not going to consider you based on the types of sexual behaviors you engage in. Please remember-those men who judge you while having the same pattern in their past are being hypocritical. But I think there are a lot of men out there who are passing you up because of your history.

 

 

You're in a tough spot. I hope my perspective wasn't too harsh.

[SensitiveTJ]

I want a serious relationship yes. and occasionally I have casual sex as well yes. But why are they contradicting? People who wants meaningful relationships should/will never have casual sex? it's not like im a regular in clubs or anything so I really am not worried about my "reputation".

and plus most guys I meet arent in my social circle.

 

 

To answer this question: yes. People who want meaningful relationships should not have casual sex. Casual sex, by definition, is the opposite of meaningful. It sends mixed messages when you claim to want both. I don't believe guys are going to take you seriously because of that.

[h0000]

Just my opinion, but I think it's really hard to have it both ways. In my experience-and only my experience-people who are looking for relationships tend not to have casual sex or get involved with those who have casual sex. It's a difference of values. I personally don't have casual sex and I would not date someone who did have that in their past. Just my preference.

 

 

Speaking perfectly honestly, I think you will have a lot of trouble finding relationships if you also want to have no-string-attached sex. You may not see the contradiction, but many people do. And I think it is likely that a lot of the men you want to have commitment with are not going to consider you based on the types of sexual behaviors you engage in. Please remember-those men who judge you while having the same pattern in their past are being hypocritical. But I think there are a lot of men out there who are passing you up because of your history.

 

 

You're in a tough spot. I hope my perspective wasn't too harsh.

I don't "want" to have casual sex. I do it cuz I need sex and I have no other wt to get it .plus I didn't even do it often. Anyway I really can't be bothered clarifying this anymore.

Also how would any man know by history? It's not like there are only ten people in town.

[h0000]

To answer this question: yes. People who want meaningful relationships should not have casual sex. Casual sex, by definition, is the opposite of meaningful. It sends mixed messages when you claim to want both. I don't believe guys are going to take you seriously because of that.

 

It sounds to me like people who say they like orange should never eat apple otherwise they aren't serious about orange.

[ascendotum]

It sounds to me like people who say they like orange should never eat apple otherwise they aren't serious about orange.

 

Obviously its contradictory for some people, but certainly not all. I had casual sex between relationships. Sure if there was a fantastic woman who I knew and was single and had a great vibe with me I would start going out with her soon after my prior breakup before someone else did but it doesn't often work like that, especially as you get older and there is less single people in your social circles and you get more discerning as well. In the meantime some sex is fun. I find there are lots of people who are relationship orientated but also somewhat fussy and they are single for a quite a while and in the meantime are doing fwb/nsa. Sometimes its hard to know how serious they are in terms of a relationship or how much they over rate themselves when it comes to the bf/gf they want, but I personally don't think the two outcomes are mutually exclusive.

 

I have not read all the posts here, but I wonder if the guys you hookup with are the types of guys you complain about. Maybe you are having first night sex with these guys you have the hots for and hope they stick around. If you have already explained this situation, then just ignore this.

[Imported]

It sounds to me like people who say they like orange should never eat apple otherwise they aren't serious about orange.

 

 

You are absolutely right OP. People are apples or oranges. Good luck with life.

 

And no, of course guys are too simple to realize an easy lay when they see one. They would have to hear about her being such to know that. No way they can figure it out from behaviour.

[h0000]

Obviously its contradictory for some people, but certainly not all. I had casual sex between relationships. Sure if there was a fantastic woman who I knew and was single and had a great vibe with me I would start going out with her soon after my prior breakup before someone else did but it doesn't often work like that, especially as you get older and there is less single people in your social circles and you get more discerning as well. In the meantime some sex is fun. I find there are lots of people who are relationship orientated but also somewhat fussy and they are single for a quite a while and in the meantime are doing fwb/nsa. Sometimes its hard to know how serious they are in terms of a relationship or how much they over rate themselves when it comes to the bf/gf they want, but I personally don't think the two outcomes are mutually exclusive.

 

I have not read all the posts here, but I wonder if the guys you hookup with are the types of guys you complain about. Maybe you are having first night sex with these guys you have the hots for and hope they stick around. If you have already explained this situation, then just ignore this.

I agree to your first paragraph. Now answer your second paragraph: I'm not complaining about guys I hookup with cuz I know what to expect when I jump into sex with them and its not a relationship.

What I am complaining about is why when I meet some guys (not from clubs) and decide to take things serious and slow and don't jump into sex they still end up only wanting sex so I had to stop seeing them. It seems they just define me as a quick fling from the beginning and never change their minds afterwards.

Then I stated my question: is it because I'm not in their dating league but only in their sex league, if there are such leagues.

[h0000]

You are absolutely right OP. People are apples or oranges. Good luck with life.

 

And no, of course guys are too simple to realize an easy lay when they see one. They would have to hear about her being such to know that. No way they can figure it out from behaviour.

 

I don't understand how having a few casual sex in life will just so naturally make me a whore that everyone can smell from 8 miles away.

and obviously I dress like a whore, behave like a whore,talk walk and act like a whore.

[Grumpybutfun]

I agree to your first paragraph. Now answer your second paragraph: I'm not complaining about guys I hookup with cuz I know what to expect when I jump into sex with them and its not a relationship.

What I am complaining about is why when I meet some guys (not from clubs) and decide to take things serious and slow and don't jump into sex they still end up only wanting sex so I had to stop seeing them. It seems they just define me as a quick fling from the beginning and never change their minds afterwards.

Then I stated my question: is it because I'm not in their dating league but only in their sex league, if there are such leagues.

 

Forgive me for this because I do not agree with this on principle but yes, there are immature, ego wrapped up in what their buddies think of them, notches in the bed posts types of boys who definitely say there are bangable girls and dateable girls. In the military and in college this was a common thing. But, these guys are usually immature, have no idea who they are, are followers of their more outspoken peers and wouldn't (I hope anyway) be of any interest to any woman who wants a good man who has his self together. I did not pay much attention to this drivel so I have no idea what constitutes a dateable girl as opposed to a bangable girl but I am somewhat sure it has to do with looks, body types, being a party girl and easy, or being hard to get and super confident. That is a guess though, so hopefully someone will shed some light on dateable vs. bangable. I don't know if that is what you mean as in leagues but that is all I recall of it.

Those aren't the guys you want for a serious committed health mature relationship, that I do know. Dating them is like dating a frat boy who has his buddies around all the time giving him high fives and thinking a girlfriend is arm candy to impress them with.

Please want better than that,

Grumps

Edited March 18, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[h0000]

yes bangable and dateable that is what I meant by leagues. If you go back to early replies someone has pointed out that a guy (for example who is a 7) will bang a girl who's 4 but will only date a girl who's also 7. And that if I am actually a 4 but always go for guys who are 7 I'm doomed.

It's not necessary that those guys all treat gfs as arm candy though.

In other words I might need to stop being attracted to whoever I would be attracted to. How terrible life is.

[AntiSocal]

yes bangable and dateable that is what I meant by leagues. If you go back to early replies someone has pointed out that a guy (for example who is a 7) will bang a girl who's 4 but will only date a girl who's also 7. And that if I am actually a 4 but always go for guys who are 7 I'm doomed.

It's not necessary that those guys all treat gfs as arm candy though.

In other words I might need to stop being attracted to whoever I would be attracted to. How terrible life is.

 

You don't need to settle if you don't want to. Just know that if you always have super high expectations you may never meet a guy who meets them AND is willing to commit to you.

 

At the end of the day I think everyone should hold out for there perfect person. Its your life. You deserve your idea of perfection. But if you're idea of perfection includes high attractiveness levels you may always be unhappy.

[SoleMate]

There are girls I'd sleep with who I wouldn't date and vice versa.

Girls you'd date, but refuse to have sex with?

 

That's very disappointing for them.

[h0000]

You don't need to settle if you don't want to. Just know that if you always have super high expectations you may never meet a guy who meets them AND is willing to commit to you.

 

At the end of the day I think everyone should hold out for there perfect person. Its your life. You deserve your idea of perfection. But if you're idea of perfection includes high attractiveness levels you may always be unhappy.

 

Everyone has to be physically attracted to their partner..I don't think I have super high expectations. I don't put a guy on pedestal (tall, dark, big eyes, around face or anything like that) then determine whether he is attractive or not. I just go with my feelings...I have no idea if my tastes are out of my league or not.

I think there are so many pretty girls.. and plenty hot guys as well...

[Grumpybutfun]

It's not necessary that those guys all treat gfs as arm candy tough.

 

From a woman's viewpoint, you might see it that way, but men know better. This is nothing new. Arm candy is the nice word for it...That is exactly what men like that treat their gfs like. Of course, they won't be obvious about it in front of other women or their gf, but with their bros and even other guys, their gfs are glorified jacket holders, social currency, and bed warmers. Sensible guys thought they were jokes. We thought their gfs were idiots.

G

[h0000]

From a woman's viewpoint, you might see it that way, but men know better. This is nothing new. Arm candy is the nice word for it...That is exactly what men like that treat their gfs like. Of course, they won't be obvious about it in front of other women or their gf, but with their bros and even other guys, their gfs are glorified jacket holders, social currency, and bed warmers. Sensible guys thought they were jokes. We thought their gfs were idiots.

G

 

I got ya.

but it also means I'm not good enough to be their arm candy...lol

[Grumpybutfun]

I got ya.

but it also means I'm not good enough to be their arm candy...lol

 

Any woman with self respect and sense is too good to be their arm candy. Some of these girls weren't that attractive ( at least to me but I have always been super picky). It seemed they were just rich or popular in a sorority or a bar scene, or they put up with some pretty bizarre stuff from these guys.

 

Have you considered that your self worth is too intertwined in how others treat you? Or how they view you? True self esteem comes form knowing who you are, what you believe and what you want out of life. I remember in particular a beautiful woman I went to college with...she was tall, willowy, blonde with an unnaturally proportioned chest and all the guys had their tongues out any time she walked by. One day I was coming from a Foreign Policy class and she was sitting on the green crying. Naturally I was concerned, perhaps she was hurt or something because this wasn't delicate tears but full on bawling. She proceeds to tell me that she is so tired of being treated so awful by her older bf who works on Wall Street and that nothing she does is okay for him and she hates the way she looks, and is so fat and wants to kill herself. Needless to say, this poor girl didn't know who she was or what she wanted in life and so the first clown who came by who wanted to control her and bend her to his will she fell for it because she had no self esteem. I felt sorry for her, and never again could look at her as though she was attractive again. Beautiful, yes, attractive to me , no. I like a fighter who doesn't let anyone change them or gauge their worth based on what others think of them. Unfortunately, I met many girls like the blonde over the years when I was single. Self esteem isn't based on looks, even if they have great looks. Off on a tangent, sorry.

Okay, enough of me pep talking you, just hate to see you unnecessarily hurt in life by idiots,

Grumps

Edited March 18, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[GoreSP]

yes bangable and dateable that is what I meant by leagues. If you go back to early replies someone has pointed out that a guy (for example who is a 7) will bang a girl who's 4 but will only date a girl who's also 7. And that if I am actually a 4 but always go for guys who are 7 I'm doomed.

It's not necessary that those guys all treat gfs as arm candy though.

In other words I might need to stop being attracted to whoever I would be attracted to. How terrible life is.

 

You are overthinking this.

 

I find it weird that some people would consider you or me 'not relationship material' because we've had casual sex - yet go around telling 7s don't date 4s.

The only 1 to 10 number I want to be associated with is my Grade Point Average.

Relationship minded people know there is more to relationships than outside appearance so we don't rate people on a stupid 1 to 10 scale.

[h0000]

Any woman with self respect and sense is too good to be their arm candy. Some of these girls weren't that attractive ( at least to me but I have always been super picky). It seemed they were just rich or popular in a sorority or a bar scene, or they put up with some pretty bizarre stuff from these guys.

 

Have you considered that your self worth is too intertwined in how others treat you? Or how they view you? True self esteem comes form knowing who you are, what you believe and what you want out of life. I remember in particular a beautiful woman I went to college with...she was tall, willowy, blonde with an unnaturally proportioned chest and all the guys had their tongues out any time she walked by. One day I was coming from a Foreign Policy class and she was sitting on the green crying. Naturally I was concerned, perhaps she was hurt or something because this wasn't delicate tears but full on bawling. She proceeds to tell me that she is so tired of being treated so awful by her older bf who works on Wall Street and that nothing she does is okay for him and she hates the way she looks, and is so fat and wants to kill herself. Needless to say, this poor girl didn't know who she was or what she wanted in life and so the first clown who came by who wanted to control her and bend her to his will she fell for it because she had no self esteem. I felt sorry for her, and never again could look at her as though she was attractive again. Beautiful, yes, attractive to me , no. I like a fighter who doesn't let anyone change them or gauge their worth based on what others think of them. Unfortunately, I met many girls like the blonde over the years when I was single. Self esteem isn't based on looks, even if they have great looks. Off on a tangent, sorry.

Okay, enough of me pep talking you, just hate to see you unnecessarily hurt in life by idiots,

Grumps

I probably need some pep talk..I don't know if i secretly make guys have their tongues out but my self esteem is starting to get distorted. It's a problem..I form my self esteem heavily on how others think of me and worst part is I believe their opinions matter more cuz if only I think I'm awesome then I'm probably delusional.

sometimes I'm boosted other times I think every girl is beautiful and I'm the ugliest..

I want to change it so badly..but I just can't reach the stage that I feel confident from within..

[Emilia]

To answer this question: yes. People who want meaningful relationships should not have casual sex. Casual sex, by definition, is the opposite of meaningful. It sends mixed messages when you claim to want both. I don't believe guys are going to take you seriously because of that.

I don't think I agree with this, I've seen too many exceptions to this rule, it's more self-imposed by women than anything.

 

I think OP your issue is your social circle. If you take bar guys out of the equation, how do you meet men? Apologies if you have already covered this, I've only read the last 4 pages.

Edited March 18, 2014 by Emilia

[janedoe67]

I don't "want" to have casual sex. I do it cuz I need sex and I have no other wt to get it .plus I didn't even do it often. Anyway I really can't be bothered clarifying this anymore.

Also how would any man know by history? It's not like there are only ten people in town.

 

A few thoughts:

 

1. You will not die without sex. And if you need release, there are hands and AA batteries for that

 

2. No, I guess no one will know about your past unless you tell them. Does that mean you are planning on keeping all of your sexual history from the man you finally care enough about to have a serious relationship with?

 

3. I think people CAN eat both apples and oranges, but don't whine about not having apples when every time you go to the grocery store all you buy is oranges because it's taking them too long to put out the apples

[GoreSP]

lol

We won't die for having sex either.

 

Masturbation is fine but having a real partner is also fun. Also I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell us how we should have orgasms.

Thanks.