Do they even come back after you abuse them?

[spicelover]

Hi, I abused my girlfriend. I got into a nasty fight with her a couple of weeks ago. Long story yes, she did some things too, but I don't want to get into that because every time I do people tell me to leave her. I believe she's a wonderful person and just has some issues that need sorting.

 

Having said that, we were in an argument when things got physical between us. I've never ever wanted to hurt her before. And I didn't that night either, but I pushed her away from me. She came back and I pushed her even harder and she fell. She got a massive bruise on her arm, and was screaming. Then proceeded to run away and call the police.

 

Next thing I know I have a domestic violence order against me, and she's moved out to her sisters. She says there's no going back from this. She's told everyone... just everyone. I haven't been spreading my side of the story, because it would just look petty, and at the end of the day she has a terrible bruise on her arm I feel so bad, and I've booked into a psychologist to talk about it and to get to the bottom of why I acted that way. I never want to hurt her (or anyone) again.

 

She said to a friend of mine that she could never come back to work on things with me because her friends and family would never understand. It makes me so sad. We were talking engagement, and I think she's the most special person I love her to bits, and I know she loves me to bits too.

 

I haven't spoken to her in nearly a week. I'm giving her space, but from what I've heard from others she's simply made her mind up for now. I want to work on myself, and show her that I'm taking what happened very seriously. I truly hope she's taking her issues seriously too and apparently she's talking to someone about those now.

 

Is this a common scenario? And do couples even come back from this?

[d0nnivain]

Not if they are smart. You crossed a line. She fears for her safety & no longer trusts you.

[spicelover]

Even if I accept 100% responsibility and get help? There was so much good in our relationship to leave behind. I understand I broke her trust, but can I be rebuilt? The circumstances around the night were terrible, that's no excuse. I know.

[d0nnivain]

For many it's a hard line. I wouldn't come back but that's me.

 

I suppose if you show that you completed an anger management course & that you stopped drinking if alcohol was involved, you might have better success but honestly, I have never believed that people could change all that much. Once you cross that line into physical it's too easy to slip over it again.

[spicelover]

It's definitely a hard line I know.

 

A little more background to this is that the reason I pushed her was because she was going crazy at the time, and attacked my and grabbed my throat. She had done it twice before to the point I couldn't swallow for 2 weeks.

 

I've forgiven her and she's seeing someone about that, but she's using the story against me and saying she's leaving because I gave her the bruise. It's pretty bad and I didn't mean for her to fall. It's just an awful situation.

 

For the record I'm not making excuses for pushing her. I was very angry with what was being said and her actions at the time, and I should have just walked away and let us both cool off (we had both had some drinks).

[dragon_fly_7]

Even if I accept 100% responsibility and get help? There was so much good in our relationship to leave behind. I understand I broke her trust, but can I be rebuilt? The circumstances around the night were terrible, that's no excuse. I know.

To be honest, I'm glad there is a strong girl that isn't taking the ''Let's work it out, maybe I provoked you'' approach and instead is blaming you entirely for the physical abuse and taking actions against it such as filing charges on you.

 

I'm sick of abusive men getting away with this. There have been several abusive men in my family from older generations and the women would still work it out till the end and not consider getting hit a deal-breaker.

 

I'm sorry but I wouldn't tolerate abuse from a man and have even given an early warning to my now ex bf that if he ever hit me it would be over immediately and he never did. We broke up for other reasons but I'm still friends with him because of that; he never physically violated me nor cheated.

[dragon_fly_7]

It's definitely a hard line I know.

A little more background to this is that the reason I pushed her was because she was going crazy at the time, and attacked my and grabbed my throat. She had done it twice before to the point I couldn't swallow for 2 weeks.

 

I've forgiven her and she's seeing someone about that, but she's using the story against me and saying she's leaving because I gave her the bruise. It's pretty bad and I didn't mean for her to fall. It's just an awful situation.

Umm that sounds like attempting to choke you. If that's the case then it changes the whole version (you should have mentioned this on your thread earlier because otherwise, you would be seen as an abuser; many people like me have strong feelings about this topic) and you're really in a tough situation. If it was done in self-defense to get her off you; since you didn't actually slapped or punched her but only pushed her away, then this should be mentioned to the cops. That's a really difficult situation. Edited March 17, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[tory1012]

Did she attack you first?

 

did she grab your throat and then you push away?

 

I know domestic abuse is abhorrent however i used to abuse my BF and sometimes guys get it pretty bad to. But we bought out the worst in eachother.

 

Women can push them to breaking point and they have to walk away, but if it happens to a woman and she lashes out its okay.

 

I think if she grabbed your throat and then you pushed her away, your both as bad as each other. If this is an isolated case and hasn't happened before you may stand a chance of working it out if it's a one off.

 

If it keeps happening then you both shouldn't be together - not right for eachother.

 

hope this helps.

[spicelover]

Thanks for your honest feedback guys.

 

I don't like being choked, but she also got her nails down the side of my neck which are only just healing now.

 

The thing is: I want to be with her. I would like to work these things out. I want to see someone and talk about why we got to that point when usually we are so gentle and loving. It definitely a once off outburst where we fought like that.

 

She just doesn't want to hear it. I'm being 100% honest about my situation in hope that someone can help me on how to approach this delicate situation. She loves me, I know that. I just know because she's told her friends and family about it all that she'll be too embarrassed to ever come back. I'm so heartbroken.

[ThatMan]

You two need to stay away from each other. Period. The violence will continue to escalate and all the personal accountability won't change that. People cannot suddenly stare down a rap sheet and say, "Oh geez. Well I'm sorry that things spiraled downwards. I'm talking about it with a shrink now so I'm sure it won't happen again." No. The real world doesn't work this way.

 

Violence always escalates into something more extensive once it begins. She clearly knows how to push your buttons. You clearly haven't learned how to behave as a responsible and mature adult. Walking away seems to be the only way to approach your delicate situation. Please get that help you've talked about. Obsessing over ways to continue the violent relationship isn't the sort of help you need to seek out at the moment.

[spicelover]

Maybe you're right.

 

For now that's all I can do I guess. She's not left any other options open. Regardless of the outcome, does it ever happen where they come back though? I need to prepare for it if it does happen and in the meantime live my life...

[ThatMan]

It might happen for some couples. This woman you've shoved around is smart for calling the police and staying away. That must have took a lot of courage and strength because some couples remain out of a sense of fear or obligation. You won't find anyone here who is willing to teach you new ways to victimize other people to force them to remain with you in a violent relationship. I suggest you learn from her choice to move on. You need to focus on yourself right now. What sort of preparations do you have in mind, anyways? Do you plan to change the locks, change your email and phone number, and maintain a distance? Just a bit of rage is all it takes for a chokehold or maybe the occasional shove. For some couples this might begin by throwing things, punching holes in drywall, screaming contests, and then it escalates to what you've already experienced - direct physical violence.

 

All it will take is something trivial to be on hand at the moment; a normal kitchen knife, a plate, or a glass bottle. Just a little bit of rage can make the difference between life - or somebody sinking a dull blade into human flesh, a serious concussion, or a fractured bone... From what I gather this may turn out to be either of you at this point should the relationship ever be resumed.

 

You have a domestic violence order - that means KEEP YOUR DISTANCE! The authorities have asked you to keep your distance. You should keep your distance and not even speak to her. Restraining orders aren't meant to be worked around. You have a DVO because your relationship was VIOLENT! Put the two and two together. You should understand what the consequence are if you continue this pursuit. You need to stay away from her.

Edited March 17, 2014 by ThatMan
phone swapped out works

[almond]

If she grabbed you by the throat first and dug her nails into your neck, then pushing her away was self defense. If she fell and bruised her arm, then so be it unfortunately. Don't attack people if you don't want to get pushed.

 

If your version of events is accurate, then I don't think you did anything wrong at all, and I find it disgusting that she called the police and has gone around dragging your name through the mud.

 

Do not allow anyone to make you feel like an "abuser" for defending yourself.

 

This seems like an incredibly toxic relationship. You should investigate in therapy the reasons behind why you got caught up in this, and why you are desperate to remain in it. Very unhealthy. Move on with your life and never look back.

Edited March 17, 2014 by almond

[d0nnivain]

Self defense does justify you pushing her. Why would you say this is 100% your fault under the circumstances? there's a lot of dysfunction to go around.

 

 

That said, you need to leave this alone because SHE is physically unstable & abusive. There is no justification for what she did to you & she will keep doing it. Next time, when you push her away to protect yourself she may fall, hit her head & die. Why risk it?

 

 

You need to find a woman who can express hurt or anger without getting physical.

[KaliLove]

Sounds like you bring out the worst in each other. I doubt this can ever be a healthy relationship. I'm glad you're both getting help for your issues but I would recommend staying away from each other.

[spicelover]

Thank you all for your words. I really do appreciate it, and I understand our relationship became toxic. However, I believe this wouldn't stay the same with more communication.

 

Please, yes, ok it's not healthy, but my question is: does it ever happen where they come back and try again?

[mrs rubble]

Yes, I have gone back to a violent relationship twice. It didn't work despite him doing anger management. He never changed. So yes people do go back, but I don't know anyone who stayed has and lived happy ever after.

SHE abused YOU, you acted in self defence and it makes me furious to know that she has turned it around on you. Why didn't you tell the police you were acting in self-defence? Was it shame? or to protect her? Coz if it were to protect her...that's just wrong, she needs to be called out and held accountable for her behaviour.

I'd suggest you stay right away and move on. Look for a nice peaceful girl next time.

[dragon_fly_7]

I agree with the recent posters. This girl didn't just turn it around but used the legality system against you. Just remember you didn't hit her but only push her away in self-defense. There are some guys that do worse and overdo it in retaliation, not recognizing their overwhelming strength. They deserved all the legal punishment too but you're not one of those guys. You were only trying to get her off you. That's a good man to me.

 

It's not normal for a woman to go into sudden outbursts and want to choke a bf. Get away while you can and don't contact her.

[M30USA]

Yes, I have gone back to a violent relationship twice. It didn't work despite him doing anger management. He never changed. So yes people do go back, but I don't know anyone who stayed has and lived happy ever after.

SHE abused YOU, you acted in self defence and it makes me furious to know that she has turned it around on you. Why didn't you tell the police you were acting in self-defence? Was it shame? or to protect her? Coz if it were to protect her...that's just wrong, she needs to be called out and held accountable for her behaviour.

I'd suggest you stay right away and move on. Look for a nice peaceful girl next time.

 

Agreed. A woman with a peaceful demeanor is priceless. Most men, I think, are simple and just want some peace and quiet.

[CC12]

Thank you all for your words. I really do appreciate it, and I understand our relationship became toxic. However, I believe this wouldn't stay the same with more communication.

 

Please, yes, ok it's not healthy, but my question is: does it ever happen where they come back and try again?

 

Yes! It happens all the time that people go back into abusive/dysfunctional relationships! All the time! It's because they convince themselves that things will change with therapy, or being really sorry this time, or "more communication," etc. Yes, abused people often end up back with their abuser. It is extremely unhealthy.

 

I hope by this point you understand that I'm talking about you. From my understanding, you're the abused party who is trying to convince yourself that things will be totally fine if only...

 

I think it's imperative that you two remain broken up. The things that happened when you were together were so bad that you should make certain you're pretty much never alone in the same room together again. Last time you tried it, bad things happened, police were called, and you now have some big legal issues to sort out, her friends and family know she has a bruise and it's because you pushed her, and you've got a "domestic violence order" against you (is that like a restraining order?)

 

This is a relationship that just cannot and should not continue. It's done, man.

[KaliLove]

Yes, it happens. But eventually it ends. Preferably with the abuser in jail.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

You were the abused one.

 

Once you really get the help you need and come to terms with this, you will no longer want a relationship with her again.

 

First things first, seek therapy and work to heal and rebuild your self esteem.

 

You will get through this and come out a stronger and better man but you must commit to loving and working on yourself from here on out. Soon enough, you will meet a loving girl who will make you wonder why you ever pined after your ex.

[spicelover]

Thanks guys. Thank you for your help.

 

I spoke to my old therapist today and he thinks she's pathological. Maybe I'm still in a haze, but I miss her I miss her I miss her so bad. I'm teary all day and the worst sinking feeling in my stomach I feel so hopeless.

 

To add to it all I feel like a bad guy because all of her friends and family think I'm an abuser.

 

I'm not one to walk away from something because it's too hard to fix. I'm a fixer and believe there is so much good in her, and us.

 

I feel so alone right now.

[M30USA]

Thanks guys. Thank you for your help.

 

I spoke to my old therapist today and he thinks she's pathological. Maybe I'm still in a haze, but I miss her I miss her I miss her so bad. I'm teary all day and the worst sinking feeling in my stomach I feel so hopeless.

 

To add to it all I feel like a bad guy because all of her friends and family think I'm an abuser.

 

I'm not one to walk away from something because it's too hard to fix. I'm a fixer and believe there is so much good in her, and us.

 

I feel so alone right now.

 

Your feelings are totally normal. I don't know whether you'll reconcile or not, but just take it easy on yourself and know that everything will be fine.

[Silly_Girl]

Please, yes, ok it's not healthy, but my question is: does it ever happen where they come back and try again?

 

Yes. I did for 8 years. One day I'll forgive myself for the monumental mistake I made in trying to see the good in a destructive relationship.