Do they even come back after you abuse them?

[almond]

I'm not one to walk away from something because it's too hard to fix. I'm a fixer and believe there is so much good in her, and us.

 

- I believe that there is some good in everyone, but that doesn't mean that everyone is good for you. You can't be with everyone just because there is some good in them, and you can't fix someone else.

 

- You aren't walking away - she is. And you need to respect her decision. You don't "fix" someone into being with someone that they do not want to be with.

 

- If you're a fixer, then that's good, because you need to fix yourself right now. Look into codependency.

 

You really need to let this go, and stop trying to justify chasing this girl in your head. There is no strength or nobility in your inability to let go...as much as you seem to want to think that there is. It is unhealthy, plain and simple. You need to accept this and focus on moving forward in life, otherwise, you'll only end up in the same vicious cycle.

Edited March 19, 2014 by almond

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Your feelings are perfectly normal and you will hurt for a while. What you are going through now is the grieving process..the worst part. You will feel utterly alone, hopeless, anxious, depressed so now is the most important time to surround yourself with those who love you and support you.

 

You were so attached to your ex that the idea of living and going about your daily life without her is overwhelming to imagine. I know. We all know..we all have been in your place. IT GETS BETTER.

 

Once you detach yourself from her (through time and strict NC) and focus on yourself you will begin to see clearly and feel good again. Say out loud to yourself over and over again, "I have no other choice but to move on." REPEAT these words all day..every day.

 

Focus on you and the present. Don't worry about the past or future right now. Just stay in the present and focus on doing things to heal yourself. That's it.

 

I promise you will be ok.

 

 

 

Thanks guys. Thank you for your help.

 

I spoke to my old therapist today and he thinks she's pathological. Maybe I'm still in a haze, but I miss her I miss her I miss her so bad. I'm teary all day and the worst sinking feeling in my stomach I feel so hopeless.

 

To add to it all I feel like a bad guy because all of her friends and family think I'm an abuser.

 

I'm not one to walk away from something because it's too hard to fix. I'm a fixer and believe there is so much good in her, and us.

 

I feel so alone right now.

Edited March 19, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[spicelover]

Thank you those messages were so nice.

 

I read into codependency a bit last night and beginning to understand a little more. I believe there could be some of that. I wish the pain would stop being so intense.

 

Some of her parting words to me were that I'll find it so hard to find someone who will accept me having 3 kids. It really hurt. I wouldn't think it should matter if the person loved me.

 

All I can think of is her smile and wonderful laugh, and it all being for someone else now. I'm going to miss her so much and it's hard to breathe.

 

Thanks guys.

[spicelover]

It's getting worse. I'm feeling so bad about it all, and she's making me out to be an absolute monster.

 

We spoke yesterday about some non-emotional stuff, and I eventually asked a STUPID question about missing me and how could she be so cold and she just crushed me into the ground saying I need to sort myself out, and she's sorting herself out and not to ask questions like that.

 

Today she posted something on Facebook (a friend forwarded it to me because I blocked her I didn't want to see anything come through - so I hated seeing it), and it was how the perfect male should be and a huge list of what makes a man attractive and a better person. I don't know if that was some kind of shout out to me *shrug*

 

She has zero emotions except anger. Will that subside? And how can I make myself think less of her and move on? I still love her, but I know it's not good for me but it's really affecting me.

[spiderowl]

Working on the basis that you are being honest here, your girlfriend acted in a way that would have provoked a response. If that was the case, the last thing you should do is to get back together again. If (and I'm not saying this is the case) she did provoke you by grabbing your throat, then there is something seriously wrong with her. She is out of control and pushing buttons. If you get back with her, there's a strong likelihood it will happen again.

 

What you need to ask yourself is why you want to be with someone who behaves like this? She should be asking herself why she wants to be with a guy who pushes her an leaves her bruised. It's a toxic mixture but what drew you together? Do you like someone with an edge, a bit provocative?

 

Whatever happened here, it's a warning sign to both of you that you need to investigate why this happened. Being together is not likely to cure this as you'll both fall into old patterns of behaviour. You might find it more useful to go into therapy yourself and leave her to sort her issues out. Trying to persuade her to come back is not the solution. It just looks as if you are the guilty party, when, from what you say, you both have a lack of control to address.