Broke NC, Got Closure

[bison67]

We were together for 2 years and had one little break up thing 2 months before the actual break up that occurred 3 months ago, we tried to be friends and take it slow 5 weeks ago but that didnt work because her scars from the relationship hadnt healed yet and i pushed her to much to get back together with me and poured out far to much, she wanted to take it slow and be friends for a bit and work towards getting back together, i was very impatient and pushed her far to much. She said she still loved me and had some feelings for me but didnt feel in love with me at the moment. She broke up with me cause I had some issues with anger, jealousy, insecurity, and didnt handle my alcohol to well which led to us fighting sometimes. Since then i have seeked out counselling for all of these things and feel much better about myself as a person and that i can really give this relationship another go and show her that I am willing to do anything to be happy about myself and make her happy in our relationship. Im a better man now then i was 3 months ago, and that is something she always wanted, she always told people that she met the perfect guy but met him to soon before he could mature.

 

Anyways the problem is that hanging out 5 weeks ago ended terribly when i found out that she was useing another guy for "physical" purposes while she was seeing me at the same time, it just about killed me and lead to a HUGE nervous breakdown in front of her where all of my negative sides that she didnt like came out and scared the hell out of her, it ended with her telling me to focus on myself and see what the future holds. The next day she texted my father asking for periodical updates on how im doing, i emailed her an apology and she responded and said that maybe a few months off to work on myself then reconnecting is a good idea. She responded with No thank you, goodbye, its over..... That was 5 weeks ago and its been strict no contact ever since, im not sure what to think about us now, i am more emotionally stable then ever now and willing to do anything to make it work. Were both in university and im not sure when a good time to reach out to her is, i was thinking maybe after the semester which would be 3 months of no contact, maybe that would be enough time for emotions to cool and for her to miss me, im just scared in that time she will move on and forget about me, cause i cant move on from her, not for awhile. Im still working on myself and getting in great shape and meeting new people, but nothing compares to her right now! I just wanna make this work because i know now that it can work more then ever as i have matured and learned about communication and giving.

 

Any advice anyone?

[erklat]

So it's OK allowing her to use you as her doormat?

 

Five weeks is not enough for you to become emotionally detached and stable.

 

You're probably still in denial but somehow managed to overcome the fact she's fkin another dude .

[Poppyolive]

I think you should work on you for you. Obviously you weren't ready...and healed that quickly to resume your relationship. I was in a relationship for over 5 years with a guy like you was nasty mean and annoying when drunk...he begged apologized and promised change so many times...each time it would be good for a wee while then drinking issues got in the way. Its was emotionally draining...I feel for your lady she made a wise move to leave you. You need this time to get to the core of your issues and pick apart why you have trouble controlling your anger & alcohol. It needs to be for you...no one else....you are not there yet...so leave her be....because you could end up making it worse. Wake up, see the light and become the best version of you. Then and only then she can consider being in a relationship with you.

[bison67]

I agree meeting up with her after 5 weeks was a terrible idea. And i know it may sound ridiculous but in the past 3 months i have changed so much about myself for the best, havent drank in 3 months, feel better then ever, in amazing shape, lost 15 pounds and put on muscles (yea abs right before beach season haha), really learned some methods to control my anger and the little things in life that used to spark it no longer bother me as much. Im also doing the Boston Marathon in april which is an amazing life changing goal i have put in place for myself, im volunteering at big brothers, got a great new job. All these things in my life are just fantastic and i have her to thank for that as it was the big kick in the teeth i needed to change my ways. And i know my life is great and will go on without her, but i know now more then ever it could work better then ever with her, thats the part that still eats at me. So im giving it a few more months NC before i even consider contacting her, and it gives me more times to continue to improve my life. We share lots of mutual friends so im sure word will eventually get to her as all my friends and family keep saying how impressed they are by the "new me".

 

Just my little input, this has been a life changing experience that is making me a man, just dont wanna lose the girl that once said she wanted to marry me in the process.

[xUnknown]

Show her how much you've been working on yourself by NOT reaching out. It sounds like the opposite of something you'd want to do, but trust me, do it. Don't reach out to her. Let her see how well you're doing by focusing on YOU. She'll get updates one way or another. If she wants to know about you, she'll find a way. Don't reach out man. She'll realize how well your doing on her own account.

[jphcbpa]

Show her how much you've been working on yourself by NOT reaching out. It sounds like the opposite of something you'd want to do, but trust me, do it. Don't reach out to her. Let her see how well you're doing by focusing on YOU. She'll get updates one way or another. If she wants to know about you, she'll find a way. Don't reach out man. She'll realize how well your doing on her own account.

 

The paradox is so true. What ever you think (probably your heart talking, not your head) you should do is probably what she "thinks" you will do. So just do the opposite.

[bison67]

Thanks guys! Dont worry im not reaching out to her anytime soon and have gotten rid of any possible form of contact. We share many mutual friends so im sure she will hear something, she is close with my 2 roomates one of whom i inspired to start changing his own life for the better! Im being patient and time will work everything out. Just gotta believe in it. Hard to really let go of her but i have done it, she is doing her own thing and i am giving her space and living my life. Doesnt mean i dont think of her or what she is doing, but in the end what she is doing or who she is seeing or whatever doesnt matter when it comes to "us". I have accepted that.

 

 

Thanks for the help folks.

[xUnknown]

Thanks guys! Dont worry im not reaching out to her anytime soon and have gotten rid of any possible form of contact. We share many mutual friends so im sure she will hear something, she is close with my 2 roomates one of whom i inspired to start changing his own life for the better! Im being patient and time will work everything out. Just gotta believe in it. Hard to really let go of her but i have done it, she is doing her own thing and i am giving her space and living my life. Doesnt mean i dont think of her or what she is doing, but in the end what she is doing or who she is seeing or whatever doesnt matter when it comes to "us". I have accepted that.

 

 

Thanks for the help folks.

 

Do NOT talk to your roommates about your ex, unless you have complete 100% trust in them (because they're friends). Tell your roommates NOW that they should NOT tell you ANYTHING about her. It will only keep setting your back. In addition, you should not ask your roommates ANYTHING that has to do with your ex. Its a sticky situation, and could be bad.

[bison67]

Dont worry i have already made them promise me and they have kept to their word! havent heard anything in 5 weeks! But they say they tell her about me, but i dont wanna know anything about her! My friends are my friends first and they know that, good guys.

[Simon Phoenix]

Just taking issue with your thread title. It doesn't matter if you can make it work. Relationships are a two-way street. If she doesn't want to make it work, you are sh*t out of luck. And there's nothing you can do to make her want to do that -- that's all on her.

[bison67]

I see what your saying cause it is a 2 way street, but i know she really didnt want to break it off, but she thought it was her only option to save herself in the end based off how i was behaving. And i know she wants it to work but is terrified of getting hurt again, so time and patience is key for me, im not gonna force anything. It meerly proving to them your perspective and lifestyle have changed to what you and they always wanted, which is true in my case, wether she sees or not is up to her.

[Simon Phoenix]

I see what your saying cause it is a 2 way street, but i know she really didnt want to break it off, but she thought it was her only option to save herself in the end based off how i was behaving. And i know she wants it to work but is terrified of getting hurt again, so time and patience is key for me, im not gonna force anything. It meerly proving to them your perspective and lifestyle have changed to what you and they always wanted, which is true in my case, wether she sees or not is up to her.

 

You should change for you, not for her. Changing for her won't last, because if you get her again you'll just lapse into what you were doing before and if you don't get her, you'll lapse into what you were doing before.

 

And she doesn't want it to work. If she did she wouldn't be sleeping with another guy while trying to keep you in the friend zone. You really need to stop spinning this and realize that it's broken and it's going to stay broken.

[bison67]

Jeez im so sick of everyone being so negative... I know so many couples that took months off, saw other people, slept with other people, realized its not for them and got back together. Not saying that is a guarantee it will be us, but it is a possibility! I just know her more then anyone on the planet and she just needs the physical aspect of someone, its takes a ton for her to give herself to the emotional aspect of a relationship and im the only one that has ever gotten that. And ya ya ya.... i know the whole change for yourself thing makes people sound like a broken record.... I HAD to change, weather it was for her or me, i had to in order to lead a successful mature life, it had to be done, and it has been done and i know 3 months is a very short time to change your lifestyle but people are noticing! And its done wonders for me. So i have her to thank for me for kick starting it. It would be impossible for me to lapse into the ways i was before, i literally dont even see that being an option.

[Simon Phoenix]

Jeez im so sick of everyone being so negative... I know so many couples that took months off, saw other people, slept with other people, realized its not for them and got back together. Not saying that is a guarantee it will be us, but it is a possibility! I just know her more then anyone on the planet and she just needs the physical aspect of someone, its takes a ton for her to give herself to the emotional aspect of a relationship and im the only one that has ever gotten that. And ya ya ya.... i know the whole change for yourself thing makes people sound like a broken record.... I HAD to change, weather it was for her or me, i had to in order to lead a successful mature life, it had to be done, and it has been done and i know 3 months is a very short time to change your lifestyle but people are noticing! And its done wonders for me. So i have her to thank for me for kick starting it. It would be impossible for me to lapse into the ways i was before, i literally dont even see that being an option.

 

Those people who reconciled reconciled because they realized the first relationship broke for a reason and went into a new relationship with each other. They let the old one go. You haven't let the old one go yet -- you're still holding on. The "hope" and spinning you are doing is going to hold you back. Your relationship is done, over, dead -- embrace it. Therefore if she does come back around, you can start anew.

 

Holding on to hope of her coming back doesn't do you a lick of good. For every couple that's reconciled and lived happily ever after there are 50 that either a) never get back together or b) get back together temporarily and die out even quicker than they did the first time. And yes, most advice on here sounds negative -- it's a break-up forum and break-ups are usually negative. I wouldn't be doing you a service if I told you bs that you wanted to hear.

[bison67]

I appreciate the help, i just really do believe in the love i feel and at one point she felt, and the reasons she fell out of it have been corrected, so i am giving it time for emotions to cool and us to live life without each other. My parents are one of the couple that broke up for a year when younger and got back together and are living happily ever after, and my father is giving me tons of advice on how he got my mother back after it was long gone as most people said. people told him to move on, give up, let her go, find another but he knew he couldnt let go of the love of his life, and he knows i feel the same way about this girl. I cant give up on the one, and im sure she is. I have accepted she isnt mine now, living my life well on my own, became a man. All of my friends that are in great relationships now have all broken up for months and gotten back together and now doing better then ever. In my life it really seems that reconcilation occurs more then it doesnt, but it takes time, and does it always work out? Time will tell. I cant just let this girl go before i gave it a real shot in the relationship and showed her how great we are together, i genuinely beleive its meant to be.

 

Never give up on someone you cant spend a day thinking about.

 

I have let her go cause i love her, im not pushing anything. But i will prove it to her that we are meant to be, she will see it too.Ill give it as much time as it needs. Everyone says she will come back in time, well see what happens. Maybe im to much of an optomist for this business! Time will tell

[Simon Phoenix]

It's not up to you to "prove it" to her. That's where your mindset is f*cked. You need to get this "Hollywood romantic comedy" crap out of your head -- it's a two-way street and right now, she isn't driving on the street. So stop waiting around and hoping.

 

I also know of a few reconciliations of my peers -- hell, my sister is getting married in three weeks to a man who she was broken up with for a year. But in all of those, they actually let go and let life take its course. You haven't done that. For you to have any productive relationship going forward, be it with your ex or someone else, you have to let go of this relationship. You refuse to at this point and the longer you resist this, the more it's going to hold you back.

 

Let go.

[bison67]

So let go of the relationship, but dont let go of her? Accept that the old relationship is dead and maybe hope for a new one one day with her or someone else?

[Simon Phoenix]

So let go of the relationship, but dont let go of her? Accept that the old relationship is dead and maybe hope for a new one one day with her or someone else?

 

Let go of it all. Concentrate completely on you. It's time for you to heal and get your sh*t right. If she happens to make the effort to reinsert herself into your life in a legitimate way (not for you to serve as a shoulder to cry on while she f*cks someone else) months or even years down the road, you'll be in a much better place to deal with it. If you find someone else on your journey that becomes "the one", even better.

 

Either way, you need to let go. Right now you are in the pool, but you are holding onto the side. It's time to let go and swim.

[bison67]

I just dont know how! I can say it out loud, repeat it to myself, meet new people, be constructive, all that good stuff. All my friends and family think im handling it so well. But my heart just wont let go!!!! Its frustrating because i tried so hard for 2 months to let go, but i just fell more and more for her! And its been strict NC, like 0. It feels like NC is doing the opposite of having me move on, just helping me be more emotionally stable.

 

How does everyone else just have a switch in thier head that they flick and "move on", just feels like my love for her grows everyday and i dont want it too!

[Simon Phoenix]

I just dont know how! I can say it out loud, repeat it to myself, meet new people, be constructive, all that good stuff. All my friends and family think im handling it so well. But my heart just wont let go!!!! Its frustrating because i tried so hard for 2 months to let go, but i just fell more and more for her! And its been strict NC, like 0. It feels like NC is doing the opposite of having me move on, just helping me be more emotionally stable.

 

How does everyone else just have a switch in thier head that they flick and "move on", just feels like my love for her grows everyday and i dont want it too!

 

It takes time dude. Everyone goes at their own pace, and two months isn't necessarily enough, especially since you weren't in NC the entire time. It's a process with a lot of ups and downs.

[Darren Steez]

Jeez im so sick of everyone being so negative... I know so many couples that took months off, saw other people, slept with other people, realized its not for them and got back together. Not saying that is a guarantee it will be us, but it is a possibility! I just know her more then anyone on the planet and she just needs the physical aspect of someone, its takes a ton for her to give herself to the emotional aspect of a relationship and im the only one that has ever gotten that. And ya ya ya.... i know the whole change for yourself thing makes people sound like a broken record.... I HAD to change, weather it was for her or me, i had to in order to lead a successful mature life, it had to be done, and it has been done and i know 3 months is a very short time to change your lifestyle but people are noticing! And its done wonders for me. So i have her to thank for me for kick starting it. It would be impossible for me to lapse into the ways i was before, i literally dont even see that being an option.

 

wow, you're really head banging yourself aren't you?

 

No one can tell you any differently, you go ahead and do whatever the heck you want,it's your right.

 

So let's get this clear. She only needed sex as some physical release?

 

She doesn't require any emotional attachment to have sex because that is reserved for you, right?

 

Meanwhile she has let you go (because you have issues with her banging another dude while she was with you.. you'll see here her emotional connection with you did not stop her banging said dude, in fact she had no moral issue getting her physical release which required no emotional attachment to other dude)

 

Meanwhile you work on becoming a better person for her, while she bangs other dudes? I mean we have worked out whether you're together or not she will bang other dudes for "physical release"

 

All I see is someone who's mind f*cked you so much, you're the root cause of every problem and are even justifying her cheating on you and you falling apart in front of her.

 

Again it's your decision but man, there is so much darkness with her man. Go live a good happy life with someone who wants to be with you and make you happy. Good luck

[bison67]

I know she has so many issues, she knows that. And of course logically i should say screw her and find someone that respects me, i know all of these things! I can say them out loud a thousand times and do my best to let go and live my life without her, which i am! But everytime i hear her name, think of her, anything that reminds me of her it just reminds me how hard i fell for the girl and how much i still feel. I think a big issue of this is that when she did dump me i can honestly say i was more in love with her then i ever had been and the break up completely caught me and everyone by suprise. She stopped communicating cause she knew i wouldnt listen, and i wouldnt i was to young and stupid. I know she is just a super confused girl right now but it doesnt justify her behaviour. Well see where time takes everything, but i am remaining NC until when or if she ever decided to contact me, just gonna do me right now and keep moving forward like i have been, and doing a great job of it. I guess time will fade that hope in indifference.

[Never Again]

The only way you "get them back", is to prosper without them...and by then, you don't care so much about getting them back.

 

It's the "Swingers" philosophy. Maybe they come back, maybe they don't, but your actions are the same either way...you go NC and completely move on.

[bison67]

Gotta love Swingers, great movie. Funny thing is that just happened with my roomate, 6 months ago girl of 4 years dumped him, he was a wreck for months, finally started to move on, got confidence back but never gave up hope for her. She started seeing another guy, didnt work. On valentines day she shows up to his place basically begging for him back. He never went fully NC though, just very limited contact.

[bison67]

Many of you on here know my story about me and my ex girlfriend breaking up 3 months ago. Rough break up, heard many things from many people. Things like move on shell come back, get over her, she was great dude, move on, so many mixed things. She told a few of my friends she saw me in her future and things like that after the break up. Blah Blah Blah, i was stupid and believed them and went NC for 7 weeks for the wrong reason i guess, although i got more emotionally stable i was still clinging to hope she would come back one day.

 

So about an hour ago i broken NC and decided to call her, and im happy i did. I got closure. I texted her and then i called her and she told me that she has moved on, that she has a new boyfriend now as of 2 weeks, he treats her better then me, and that she never thinks of me anymore and doesnt care for me anymore, then she said to never call her again. Although it was a big dagger to the heart it gave me the closure i needed to let go of hope and start to completely move on. Extremely painful and devestating news, but i guess this is the true start to my healing.

 

Well thanks for the help everyone, time to go true NC and move on, i deserve better.