Feel like a failure/loser;24 year old homebody college dropout

[Taokerouac]

I was popular in high school,was a dancer,had a wonderful boyfriend and close relationships with my family. Senior year of high school I had a falling out with my best friend since the age of 5,My boyfriend and I broke up,and I was diagnosed with ADHD my senior year and started taking adderall for my ADHD which began to alter my personality and the way I interacted with others.

 

I started college the next year with a great roommate,in a sorority and even rencociled with my best friend who I had a falling out with. I was dealing with my break up poorly and was very depressed over him. I began to have issues in the sorority and felt I had no real friends. I would go to my best friend whenever I could but she was starting to have her own life and new friends. At the end of my freshman year I knew I probably wouldn't want to come back but I gave it one more shot for the fall semester sophomore year. I couldn't find anyone to live with so I ended up living alone while everyone I knew was living with roommates.

 

This isolated me and soon began to affect who would bother to stay in touch with me or wanted to be my friend. I tried to put myself out there, would always text and call to try to make plans or meet up with my best friend or girls in the sorority but it seemed like I was on the outs and everyone else had their own groups already formed and I wasn't apart of it. I was purposely not invited to things or maybe they just didn't even remember me but it felt as though I was unwanted. I felt so alone,began to become depressed,could not focus on my studies and began to see a guidance counselor who suggested I make the decision to leave school and come home.

 

 

I came home to a dysfunctional household in which both my parents were addicts and emotionally unstable. This affected me greatly and made me want to withdraw. I began to abuse adderall. I still kept in touch with my best friend and always tried to go visit her or make plans but it always was one sided. I began to realize I had left a situation that I wasn't happy in only to enter an even worse situation. I felt aimless, lost, and reckless. For 3-4 years I did nothing with my life. I did stop taking adderall which was great. I lived at home,made attempts at going back to school but felt unsteady and couldn't carry it out with the issues I had going on at home.

 

My parents issues were worsening and I was taking the brunt of their actions majority of the time. I began to see a therapist who told me I was being emotionally and mentally abused by them. I worked through this and created a more functional relationship with my parents as their conditions worsened and they got divorced. My mom has been in rehab 5 times, my dad had never because he claims he's a functional addict. I am moving out with a nanny job in a week and hope to return to college someday with a loan as that is my only option unless I save enough money for tuition or have someone to back me.

 

I feel okay about myself until I compare to everyone I knew in high school who is established in their careers,has serious relationships,have social lives,have friends who care to keep in touch and with whom they see on a regular basis,have stability,can travel to fabulous places, etc,etc. I feel I'll never catch up or succeed in the ways they have. I've had two semi serious boyfriends the past two years which really helped me and made me feel almost like myself but once the relationships ended I would feel even worse than I did to begin with. I try to be okay with myself but feel so uneasy with my circumstances that it's hard to feel confident alone or without reassurance from a significant other or friend.

 

I'm gonna try my damnedest but I'm terrified for myself and ashamed of myself and my situation.

Unless you can understand and not judge please refrain from saying your peace.

Edited March 17, 2014 by Taokerouac
Completion

[endlessabyss]

I am in a similar type situation. What you shouldn't be doing is comparing yourself to others; it's unfair. Your friends had different circumstances, and may have had healthy, supportive parents, and or families. You, on the other hand, didn't have that advantage in life. Life is unfair, and some people just have easier roads than others. Take advantage of your difficult situation, though.

 

Struggle = growth

 

I think you should realize that not everyone's life is fine and dandy when you get to the inside as well. What your old friends from highschool give you is an outside view of their lives, which gives off the illusion that they are happy. They may experience happiness at certain times, but I can guarantee that their lives are not as happy as they appear.

 

The only person that matters is you. you've been through a lot, and have been making positive steps to improve your life. Congratulate yourself.

 

As for the friends portion, I don't really understand the friends process. I have a couple close friends, which I wouldn't even consider friends, just acquaintances that I've know for a very long time. People come and go, and most people are lucky to just have a couple close friends they can confide to throughout this life. You have done your part, by putting yourself out there, if people don't reciprocate, that is on them.

 

Be careful with trying to begin a relationship with someone at this point in your life too. No one wants to be alone, I get that. But when all your positive emotions are derived from someone else, that can be trouble. Try to establish some positive feelings about yourself first, autonomous of anything external. Furthermore, I felt the same way you did about the future, and still do feel feelings of uneasiness and anxiety about what the future holds. What I did was I looked to God to help me with that. I'm not trying to push any type of religion on you, because I know a lot of people prescribe to an atheistic worldview, but there are ways to feel secure w/o having people around you.

 

Staying positive is hard, especially in times of struggle, but try your best. Congratulate yourself on whatever small steps you accomplish in the process of achieving your goals.

 

Keep moving forward, and everything will work itself out. You're not a loser. Life is a process, and we go through seasons of struggle, then we go through seasons of pleasure. You're in the season of struggle right now, but take solace in the fact it is only transient.

Edited March 17, 2014 by endlessabyss

[Taokerouac]

Thank you for that,got me teary eyed. Definitely pray to God constantly,don't know if he hears me but I do anyway.

[Purepony]

The first step is to accept the situation and be accountable. It sounds to me like you want change and that's your first step.

At 24years old you are still young and have a good opportunity to redirect your life

[Taokerouac]

I also made a lot of mistakes with people who I cared about. I don't know how to get into it but because of my state of mind and chaos at home I would act out a lot and tend to be irrational. I lost a lot of relationships that I cherished dearly because I think people were at a loss as to how to understand or be there for me. I punish myself now for this and hate myself for losing those relationships and have tried to apologize and explain the situation before but I still feel I'll never have them in my life again or have the love we used to have. I feel I'll never forgive myself for this.

[Purepony]

Don't beat yourself up over the past, we all have mistakes and outcomes we wish we could change... don't let it consume your life because if you do you won't have much of a life

[Grumpybutfun]

There is a story about a man in a village who goes to the local chapel to ask God to let him trade his life with anyone since he was poor and ugly and no women would marry him. The Priest sat with the man through his prayer and told him, go forth and find one person in the village whom you would like to change places with and God will grant it. The man was naturally excited thinking he would go to the home of the most handsome man in the village. When he got there though, the man is burying his family who died of fever and he is so aggrieved he has torn his hair out and gnashed his teeth throughout the night so his mouth is red and bloody. The man thinks this isn't what I want so he goes to the house of the richest man in the village, but when he gets there he notices the man angry and violent against the masses who came to him for help. They won't leave him alone and he can find no peace. The man lashes out at these people and is cruel and violent. The man thinks this isn't what I want. So, he goes to each house in his village trying to find someone who has a better life than him and while some are equal to his and some seem okay on the outside, they are stressed and sad on the inside. He suddenly comes up with a great idea, he will go back to the priest and ask for his life because he gets three melas a day from the nuns and has much respect. When he gets there, he sees the priest weeping looking out into the garden where a nun is washing clothes and hanging them to dry. When the man asks what is wrong, the priest replies the nun is his love, the woman he loves above all else and whom he can never have because they both have dedicated their lives to God. He has to see her everyday and though it tears him to pieces, the agony makes him more humble and obedient to God. The man turns to go and the the priest asks, well, who did you choose? The man tells him he chooses the pain he has the life experience to handle, his own.

Each life holds pain and disappointment,

Grumps

[Lifeguides]

Thanks for sharing your story.

 

One strong step you can take is to try to surround yourself with the right sort of people--(responsible, emotionally stable, ambitious etc.) By creating this world for yourself, you are less likely to find enablers that help push you towards the wrong decision when you are at your weakest point.

 

Of course this sounds a lot easier to say than to do... One thing I've learned is that we have the friends and significant others that we deserve. What I mean is, it almost feels like a catch-22 where you have to embody those characteristics first. It's not an easy path but it will pay dividends if you dedicate yourself to improving.

 

I would check out sites like:

Lifeguides

Khan Academy

 

They're free and can help you build back some confidence to get on the right track again!