His wife contacted me...

[Lookin4awayout]

So..long story short I met a man on a dating site, we talked for a bit ..of course he gave no indication of being married or in a relationship. Now granted, I'm not looking for anything serious right now so I wasn't really digging for info on what his level of commitment would be to a woman. We just kept it friendly. Anyway..about a week after we hung out, I get a text from his phone from someone stating they were his wife..of course I was stunned. At this point that was all of the info I needed and I deleted and blocked his number immediately from my phone as I'm just not into dating another woman's man. Well she then text me from HER phone with some expletives..I also at that point just blocked and deleted her number as well.

 

Well I was a bit shaken up, but left it alone. THEN about a week later, I for some reason decided to check my "other" inbox on fb..and sure enough I had an message from who I suspected was his wife! I have no idea how she found me to be quite honest with you. Her message only says "hi".

 

I've yet to respond, because I really don't want to get involved..I mean I had NO idea he was married and as soon as I found out it was a done deal for me. I guess I'm wondering what she's expecting to accomplish by talking to me. Am I doing the right thing by not responding to it? I just don't want to have to deal with misplaced anger you know? I also don't like drama of any kind. If it were me I wouldn't want the details of what's going on..the knowledge of knowing he is a cheater would be enough for me to take action..but I guess I'm different.

[2sunny]

I think you should allow her that her husband portrayed himself on a dating site as single and you two were communicating as if he were a single man.

[Sub]

Am I doing the right thing by not responding to it? I just don't want to have to deal with misplaced anger you know?

 

She may not think you didn't know he was married. I would respond to her that you didn't. It's more likely she'll leave you alone if you acknowledge her existence and be honest with her.

[Speakingofwhich]

It seems odd to me that she continues to contact you though you are having no contact with her husband.

[cif]

Since she is basically stalking you, and you don't really know how far she will go, I would send her a brief message: Did not know you're husband was married. He's since been dumped. Please do not contact me again.

 

 

BTW something similar happened to me. You did the right thing. Just continue to ignore.

[Lookin4awayout]

It seems odd to me that she continues to contact you though you are having no contact with her husband.

 

That's what I'm trying to figure out..what does she want from me? Even before I got the text message from her, I hadn't talked to him since we had seen each other. He just wasn't a priority for me and apparently I wasn't either..but now it explains WHY I hadn't heard from him..but I wasn't really sweating it anyway.

 

To the person who said I should talk to her and tell her I met him on a dating site..I forgot to mention that when I went to the dating site to block him from contacting me, I saw that a picture of him and her was put up on his profile..so I'm pretty sure she knows what he's been up to ..so again I have no idea why she wants to talk to me..but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious to see what she has to say to me. I just don't want that kind of drama in my life though..especially with the crazy text she sent me cursing me out..if she wants to talk to me about it like a mature woman I can do that, but not that other crap she came at me with..

[Sub]

I just don't want that kind of drama in my life though..especially with the crazy text she sent me cursing me out..if she wants to talk to me about it like a mature woman I can do that, but not that other crap she came at me with..

 

You already have the drama, unfortunately. She may be a nut job, but she may also just be an angry W looking for answers that her H isn't giving her.(Can't expect all women to just be cool as a cucumber when they find out their H is stepping out with someone.) If there's not much to the story, and you're looking to get away from the B.S., let her know the deal.

[Raena]

I agree with the others... contact her and tell her that you didn't know and have since stopped communicating with him. I normally wouldn't recommend this, but in this case, I think it's warranted. She may assume that there is something more going on than what is really going on. Make sure she knows that you had no idea, that he lied to you and that you have no further interest in speaking to him or to her.

[jellybean89]

Before you continue down the path of thinking she is some nut job, remember she is just looking for the truth. She may have been sold a bag of lies by her husband and she is probably just trying to get to the truth. He easily could have told her that you keep contacting him, he told you he was married, you kept pursuing him. She's the victim here...no need to put her down. She just wants honesty.

 

How much would it hurt you to just reply that you had no idea he was married, you went out with him x amount of times, you had sex (if you did -- and if it was unprotected sex or not)? It's not that hard to do. Tell her you want no more to do with him and you'd appreciate it if she stopped trying to talk to you.

[uneek74]

Lookin4: I would continue to ignore her and block her and him. She obviously knows that this kind of thing is her husbands M.O. This is evident by her texting you from his phone and checking your fb account. Especially since now his profile pic has changed. She has done this before, trust and believe that. So you having a conversation with her about something she already is aware of is useless. Why engage crazy! When you see crazy, just cross the street!

 

 

You don't owe her any conversation regarding his actions. Talking to someone is not a crime. I would leave it alone and be more careful in the future on dating sites.

[Lookin4awayout]

Lookin4: I would continue to ignore her and block her and him. She obviously knows that this kind of thing is her husbands M.O. This is evident by her texting you from his phone and checking your fb account. Especially since now his profile pic has changed. She has done this before, trust and believe that. So you having a conversation with her about something she already is aware of is useless. Why engage crazy! When you see crazy, just cross the street!

 

 

You don't owe her any conversation regarding his actions. Talking to someone is not a crime. I would leave it alone and be more careful in the future on dating sites.

 

Well now I'm a bit torn.., but I do agree I think this is standard practice for them & unfortunately he chose me as a target. Maybe I should just say something..i do feel bad and if she's going to such great lengths to reach me she must really need some kind of confirmation.. I get it.

[Artie Lang]

I had NO idea he was married and as soon as I found out it was a done deal for me.

 

tell her exactly this. inform her that her husband has been trolling dating sites and that's how you met him.

 

also, tell her that you will not tolerate any harassment from her. make it clear that of she continues, the matter will be brought up to the proper authorities.

 

 

if what you say is true, her beef is with her husband not you.

[whichwayisup]

. Well she then text me from HER phone with some expletives..I also at that point just blocked and deleted her number as well.

Why are you blocking her and playing games? You didn't know he was married, you did nothing wrong so why not write her back, tell her how you met her husband, he made it seem like he was single, but as soon as you found out he wasn't you cut him out of your life. Obviously this isn't his first rodeo at cheating on her, so help her out and let her know your side of things.

 

You don't owe her any conversation regarding his actions.

 

No she doesn't, but I'm sure if she was married and her husband was doing this behind her back, she'd appreciate a heads up and a reply back from the person she thought was with her husband.

This is just common courtesy and respect.

[Speakingofwhich]

The fact that she contacted you with expletives is an indication that she's an angry woman who behaves inappropriately. Whatever her anger stems from is not your issue as you've done nothing wrong and stopped seeing her husband when you suspected he was married. The fact that she's contacted you lets you know she already knows her husband has done something wrong so there's nothing you can tell her that she doesn't already know

 

If I were in your place and she contacted me in a polite and civilized manner with questions, I would answer them. But, I would not engage with a person who approaches me rudely.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

OP, I was approached years ago at a coffee shop by what I thought was a single guy. We had several phone conversations for a couple of weeks and then went on 1 date when I got a call from his wife later that night (she looked at his cell bill online). I confronted him the next day and he tried to play it off. He said that he and his wife were on the verge of divorce...that she was like a roommate at this point. Bull.

 

Needless to say, I felt bad for his wife and told her everything he has said to me the 2nd time she called me. After the conversation, I told her that we had no other reason to communicate again and wished her luck.

 

Hubby sent me an email apologizing the next day. I blocked him without replying. Never had contact with them since.

 

I say have a quick convo for no other reason than to get her off your back. You don't owe her anything but it sounds like she's quite the investigator and won't let off until she at least hears a response from you. Sometimes if you ignore or run away from the issue it looks like you're guilty. Confront her with the truth and be calm and cordial. You have nothing to hide.

 

Do what makes you feel comfortable..

[Lady2163]

So, let me see if I got this...

 

Wife texts you from his phone, then her phone. Then sends a message on Facebook.

 

I have one of those 'Mary Smith' type of names. So...I would want to know how wife found my Facebook from my name. That is where my alarm bells start ringing and saying, "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER."

 

I would send one message and only one. Go ahead and apologize if you want, tell her you didn't know he was married, you want nothing to do with him or her. Nothing happened. Tell her the specific site, user name he is using, copy the profile, picture, etc.

 

I agree you didn't do anything wrong, but I also think you are dealing with a potential nut job. The "poor woman may just want the truth" is not a reason to send a total stranger profanity filled texts. No matter what suspicions you may have. I get one of those from someone I don't know, I'm contemplating filing a police report on the "poor woman"

 

I thnk her husband is taking her for a ride, but being kind to a stranger goes out the window when they are rude and (if this were the case) I am innocent.

 

Protect yourself and best of luck.

[Speakingofwhich]

I agree you didn't do anything wrong, but I also think you are dealing with a potential nut job. The "poor woman may just want the truth" is not a reason to send a total stranger profanity filled texts. No matter what suspicions you may have. I get one of those from someone I don't know, I'm contemplating filing a police report on the "poor woman"

 

I thnk her husband is taking her for a ride, but being kind to a stranger goes out the window when they are rude and (if this were the case) I am innocent.

 

Protect yourself and best of luck.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This.

 

Anytime someone approaches you rudely, and you accommodate them you are letting them know that you will allow them to treat you in an abusive manner. Don't be surprised if they follow up with more rudeness or other crazy behavior.

 

It's not unkind or gamey to block someone who treats you this way. It's smart. The gaminess is on her.

 

I think you wrote that a photo of her and him together is now on the dating site. So, she knows he's trolling for women on there so what can you tell her that will help her?

 

If you tell her you were with him only one time, trying to help yourself by getting rid of her, it may make her stop contacting you and it may not. If he's still going out with others she may believe he's still seeing you and you both are lying about it. Because trying to reason with an irrational person is insane. And she has demonstrated she isn't rational.

 

This woman has been abusive to you. If you contact her you are opening yourself up for more of the same. It's anyone's guess as to whether she'll follow up with other weird behavior or not.

Edited March 18, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[Lookin4awayout]

Well..i decided to respond to the message. I basically told her that I had no idea he was married & that if she'd like to talk about it like a mature adult woman we can do that. But if she came to me like she did in the text I would be forced to block her to cease all communication with me. She responded immediately. She did apologize for coming at me the way she did, but she said she was angry. I told her while I understand she was angry I felt her anger was misplaced with me. She said she found out because she saw a text from me from the day me & him saw each other. She said that night he lied & said he was going to the casino, but she noticed a few days later he didn't take any money out.

 

Apparently he lied & said I was a co-worker. She knows about the dating profile & what I thought was his fb was actually a second one. His REAL one has pics of him & his family all over it..she knows about the fake fb profile too.

 

I decided to be honest & let her know that while me & him used protection he was more than willing to NOT use it, but I insisted so I advised her to get an std check because he may not be using it with other women he may be seeing.

 

Of course she questioned why I would sleep with a man & not check him out before.. I told her what I do as a grown woman is my business & I didn't need a morality talk from her. She asked me for a screenshot of his dating profile because he said he deleted it, but I told her I didn't need to do all of that because she obviously had access to his profile if she was able to put pics on it herself. But as far as I know it's still there.

 

I asked her has he done this to you before & at first she said no, but then she said she knew of the fake fb & everything else. The conclusion I've come too is that he's either a habitual cheater & I got caught in the trap sorta speak or they cheat back & forth on each other..because she didn't seem too surprised @ what I told her.

 

Anyway I wished her luck with what she does & went on my merry way and as far as I'm concerned I'm done with it.

 

Btw I DID ask her how she found me & she did NOT answer..at this point though it doesn't matter, I've blocked them both from fb as well.

Edited March 18, 2014 by Lookin4awayout
To add something

[jellybean89]

I get one of those from someone I don't know, I'm contemplating filing a police report on the "poor woman"

 

There is not a police department in the world that would let someone who got a text with bad words file a police report. Law enforcement has many more actual issues to deal with than someone sent me a message and I didn't like it. Our department wouldn't even entertain this type of complaint. Many departments won't even act on violence unless violence has actually happened. If we allowed every person who got a text they didn't like to file a report, very little actual police work would get done as the detectives and other staff would spend their time filling out paperwork on "my neighbor looked at me wrong" or "she took my parking spot and then called me a beotch" incidents.

 

OP, I am glad you responded to the betrayed spouse and I don't think a single person didn't already know she was angry when she reached out to you...as you now know her husband was filling her head full of lies.

 

And for what its worth, she has a valid thought on sleeping with someone who you don't check out....not every person is comfortable with having sex with a stranger (or not someone who they know well) and we see it all the time that women who go off with strangers do get assaulted and/or raped. So while yes, you are a grown woman and can have sex with who you want; her comments aren't that strange because of all the horror stories in the news about women (and young girls) meeting people online and going off with them and getting hurt.

[Lookin4awayout]

There is not a police department in the world that would let someone who got a text with bad words file a police report. Law enforcement has many more actual issues to deal with than someone sent me a message and I didn't like it. Our department wouldn't even entertain this type of complaint. Many departments won't even act on violence unless violence has actually happened. If we allowed every person who got a text they didn't like to file a report, very little actual police work would get done as the detectives and other staff would spend their time filling out paperwork on "my neighbor looked at me wrong" or "she took my parking spot and then called me a beotch" incidents.

 

OP, I am glad you responded to the betrayed spouse and I don't think a single person didn't already know she was angry when she reached out to you...as you now know her husband was filling her head full of lies.

 

And for what its worth, she has a valid thought on sleeping with someone who you don't check out....not every person is comfortable with having sex with a stranger (or not someone who they know well) and we see it all the time that women who go off with strangers do get assaulted and/or raped. So while yes, you are a grown woman and can have sex with who you want; her comments aren't that strange because of all the horror stories in the news about women (and young girls) meeting people online and going off with them and getting hurt.

 

Well I just didn't feel it was in her place to comment on how I deal with men, her concern should be if her husband is sleeping with other women and bringing home diseases..I'm just not a judgmental person and I assume other's aren't either, but of course I'm proven wrong every time ..and as far as not knowing someone well and what not, you can be with a person for a long time and still not really "know" them..I have some stories I could tell, but it's not my place to do that.

[Lady2163]

There is not a police department in the world that would let someone who got a text with bad words file a police report. Law enforcement has many more actual issues to deal with than someone sent me a message and I didn't like it. Our department wouldn't even entertain this type of complaint. Many departments won't even act on violence unless violence has actually happened. If we allowed every person who got a text they didn't like to file a report, very little actual police work would get done as the detectives and other staff would spend their time filling out paperwork on "my neighbor looked at me wrong" or "she took my parking spot and then called me a beotch" incidents.

 

OP, I am glad you responded to the betrayed spouse and I don't think a single person didn't already know she was angry when she reached out to you...as you now know her husband was filling her head full of lies.

 

And for what its worth, she has a valid thought on sleeping with someone who you don't check out....not every person is comfortable with having sex with a stranger (or not someone who they know well) and we see it all the time that women who go off with strangers do get assaulted and/or raped. So while yes, you are a grown woman and can have sex with who you want; her comments aren't that strange because of all the horror stories in the news about women (and young girls) meeting people online and going off with them and getting hurt.

 

Yeah, sure whatever. I'm in a small town and you can file a report, get the paper trail started, but they probably wouldn't create a task force.

 

Not all police departments are the same.

[Lady2163]

Well I just didn't feel it was in her place to comment on how I deal with men, her concern should be if her husband is sleeping with other women and bringing home diseases..I'm just not a judgmental person and I assume other's aren't either, but of course I'm proven wrong every time ..and as far as not knowing someone well and what not, you can be with a person for a long time and still not really "know" them..I have some stories I could tell, but it's not my place to do that.

 

Personally, from your description, it sounds like she's trying to control you or Get the upper hand in her mind.

 

I say this for two reasons:

 

1) giving a morality lecture to a stranger

2) not answering your question about how she found you

 

That was very kind of you to talk to her and take the time. Good thoughts to you!

[uneek74]

Lookin: You failed to mention that you had slept with the man. I can see why you felt compelled to respond to this woman. You gave the impression that you only talked to him online or saw him once, but had not been intimate. (of course this is your business however). But you left out a lot of details.

 

 

I hope that you get out of this mess very quickly. It seems like you have pooped and stepped in it. I would run far away from him and her.

 

 

Good luck to you!

[2sunny]

Well..i decided to respond to the message. I basically told her that I had no idea he was married & that if she'd like to talk about it like a mature adult woman we can do that. But if she came to me like she did in the text I would be forced to block her to cease all communication with me. She responded immediately. She did apologize for coming at me the way she did, but she said she was angry. I told her while I understand she was angry I felt her anger was misplaced with me. She said she found out because she saw a text from me from the day me & him saw each other. She said that night he lied & said he was going to the casino, but she noticed a few days later he didn't take any money out.

 

Apparently he lied & said I was a co-worker. She knows about the dating profile & what I thought was his fb was actually a second one. His REAL one has pics of him & his family all over it..she knows about the fake fb profile too.

 

I decided to be honest & let her know that while me & him used protection he was more than willing to NOT use it, but I insisted so I advised her to get an std check because he may not be using it with other women he may be seeing.

 

Of course she questioned why I would sleep with a man & not check him out before.. I told her what I do as a grown woman is my business & I didn't need a morality talk from her. She asked me for a screenshot of his dating profile because he said he deleted it, but I told her I didn't need to do all of that because she obviously had access to his profile if she was able to put pics on it herself. But as far as I know it's still there.

 

I asked her has he done this to you before & at first she said no, but then she said she knew of the fake fb & everything else. The conclusion I've come too is that he's either a habitual cheater & I got caught in the trap sorta speak or they cheat back & forth on each other..because she didn't seem too surprised @ what I told her.

 

Anyway I wished her luck with what she does & went on my merry way and as far as I'm concerned I'm done with it.

 

Btw I DID ask her how she found me & she did NOT answer..at this point though it doesn't matter, I've blocked them both from fb as well.

 

I admire your honesty and ability to handle this awkward situation with dignity.

 

I think you did well!

[Lookin4awayout]

Personally, from your description, it sounds like she's trying to control you or Get the upper hand in her mind.

 

I say this for two reasons:

 

1) giving a morality lecture to a stranger

2) not answering your question about how she found you

 

That was very kind of you to talk to her and take the time. Good thoughts to you!

 

Well, what I didn't add to my comment in my post for fear of being seen as a "horrible" person is I said: "And as far as what I do as a grown woman that's my business. Save the morality speech for someone else, I'm not the one married to a cheater."

 

Yes I picked up from her very quickly that she is manipulative and judgmental. Like her trying to get me to send her a screen shot..like uh I'm not doing your investigative work for you..

 

I really think they are just playing a game with each other and probably try to manipulate and get the upper hand on each other all of the time..and I only gathered all of that just from the little exchange me and her had..

 

Ugh..I have separated myself as far away from that as possible.