scooby-philly Posted March 17, 2014 Share Posted March 17, 2014 Hey there - thanks for taking the time to read this. I will try and be organized with my thoughts here. Feedback of any kind would be great. So I've been seeing a woman I met on an OLD site. She made the initial move - offering her number after we chatted online for two weeks. We've gone on 5 dates now. 3 dinners, 1 coffee, and one on Saturday that was just great - a walk, sitting in a park, and dinner. On the way to dropping me off at my car - we met in the downtown area where I live, I asked her to pull over. I asked her if I could kiss her and she said yes - a short, but hot make-out session occurred. We talk or text almost everyday now. But it's been only 5 dates in like 7 or 8 weeks. I'm fine with taking it slow - I just don't want to go so slow as to turn her off. She seems fine with the pace. I know she's busy - she has a successful career and is in the closing stages of buying a condo. That's fine. I completely understand that. I think things are great right now. However, and this is where I'd like some perspective - I'm not the type of guy to try and date multiple women at the same time - even when we're in the just getting to know you stage. So, I'd like to avoid ending up spending all my focus/energy if it doesn't pan out - though I do know you live and you learn. I guess what I'm looking for is subtle ways to try and gauge her interest level - both in me and in a relationship. She's 29 and divorced - a year ago and they were separated for 5 months before that. I'm 32 and semi-divorced (never married but had an engagement break off). She's very different from the few people I've been in relationships with. But, it's a good kind of difference. I'd just like to get some input as to how to gauge what she's feeling - She's fairly attractive, smart, educated, and successful. In the past I would have been intimidated by someone like her, but not now. One thing I'm afraid of is having to make all of the plans myself - and initiating most of, not all, of the communication. I'm a pretty affectionate person but I'm aware that other people need to warm up at first. Okay, so that last part wasn't organized, but whatever. I'd like to keep going with her -and I think she likes me. What signs should I'd be looking for - beyond the common - she calls, or she plans, etc. And how can I feel more comfortable being affectionate with her if she hasn't warmed up to it yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 It doesn't hurt to take it slow. But you have to be aware of where her mind is. You two made out last time, so there is at least some chemistry. If she continues to want to see you, that means she is interested. Why not invite her over to your house and see how it goes? It's plenty of testing already. Time to show her how you really feel. Link to post Share on other sites
meeji Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Why not ask her? Communication is important. If you assume some incorrect information you could make the wrong move based off of that. If you want to get serious with this woman tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels. Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 I second phantom's recommendation about asking her over to your place. It's an implicit assumption that physical things will occur. It's a perfect venue for making dinner and watching a movie. You can try to make out some more, you know, to keep things going and to show you're interested in her that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Thanks for the feedback thus far. Yeah, that's what I've been thinking. Only problem is that I've been living with my folks for 9 months since my engagement broke off. Will be looking to move later this year or next year. So I can't have her over here yet. And I can't exactly invite myself over to her place. Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 You can touch her and see how she responds to your touch. Touch her hair, if in certain situations. Seems like you dont know too much about her either, ask her questions about herself, so you know more. Tease her... Also, just make playful fun. Bottom line is, you seem to be doing everthing fine. So dont fix it if its not broken, Keep on doing YOUR hobbies, and find time for her, and I think everything will playout fine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 So to continue my story... And I think this is more just a vent but all viewpoints are welcome as always. So we went on a 6th date this past weekend. Movies, dinner, then drinks afterwards. In between dinner and the drinks she purposely had us take a long walk and made a move to kiss me very passionately even though it was chilly and raining. After we made it to another place for drinks we walked backed to our cars - we had unknowingly parked in the same garage, and we ended up in her car for at least 45 minutes in a very hot make out session. Honestly I wanted it so bad and so did she but we both also wanted to wait. I think things are going fine. I'm verry happy right now and I think she is too - she confessed she felt butterflies when she was with me. I'm just, in the back of my mind nervous. My long-term relationship with an ex-fiance moved faster than this. I'm okay with a slower approach as we are both busy professionals, but I also want to make sure I don't end up tripping up over myself. I'd like to be the "easiest" part of her life. But, by the same token I don't want to be patient to the point of not making her make a decision at some point if she feels the same way I do. Relationships are give and take and I don't want to have it turn out that I wasted my time. Again, more just the unconfident side of me being scared. thanks for listening. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
freetolove Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 just be open with her and ask her what she THINKS about exclusively dating. Link to post Share on other sites
freetolove Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Hmm at your age I feel like you're moving a little slow but that's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted April 3, 2014 Author Share Posted April 3, 2014 Well... We had a very awkward set of texts last night. I sometime doubt myself in situations - not just dating - and end up saying things I don't really feel or expressing more concern or fear than I really do if I'm honest. I was telling her how much fun i had saturday and was trying to compliment her on making the move because I don't feel sure about how to proceed with her - i.e. she's very private and doesn't give off a lot of vibes. That led to her asking what I meant, and the long of it, she made it very clear she's not interested in anything serious right now. Well, I'm not looking to rush into things. I want to make sure we're compatible. I rushed into my relationship with my ex-fiance too quickly and was fearful of being alone or not being to find someone else so I ignored my feelings saying we weren't compatible. I like this woman a lot - and she likes me as well - but I'm also not going to play a game of being at her beck and call. She's been divorced for a year now and they were separated for 5-6 months before that so one would think - and I may be off base here, that she'd be ready for something. I mean, I get her point about not rushing into things...that's fine. I'm all about using reason and taking time to explore. But in 2 months we've gone out 6 times, and I don't see getting in more than 1 or 2 more dates in the next 2 months given her schedule and the fact that we only see each other on the weekends. So I'm just confused. I'm okay with slow, I know I keep saying that, but that doesn't mean i want to wait for her too much. I know that click you feel with someone doesn't come along that often but I don't want to force her into a situation. But I want to be respectful of myself as well. I deserve some accommodation, to a certain extent. I don't know. Maybe I'm just scared of her breaking everything off at some point without warning or for reasons she doesn't tell me about as they happen. Link to post Share on other sites
KRuss Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 I am at a similar juncture, although I am older than you. I understand your thought process and I think you only have two choices, due to the fact you are interested in moving things along. You can either be patient, and enjoy things as they are, or ask. I am pondering the same myself right now. I think it is based off of a bit of fear that we are worried they may not feel as we do, so we want to not get further involved if they don't feel the same. Good luck to you…. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted April 5, 2014 Author Share Posted April 5, 2014 So we had plans to meet up for coffee this saturday morning early and take a walk since she was busy the rest of this weekend. Made the same plans for the following saturday to be followed up later in the day with another "date". Well, she just cancelled on me for tomorrow morning saying "a friend she's been helping" is spending the night. I believe her because she been's mentioning this person regularly for a while but she did it via text. It's annoying and after saying it was okay and i understood I did send a follow up text saying it would have been nice to at least get a phone call about it or at least a little more information since she's a private person and whose to say she isn't trying to juggle multiple flings. I don't think she is, but I don't like getting treated for a patsy either. At this point, I think I'm going to give her a taste of her own medicine and just not contact her or respond for several days to see what happens. Ugh!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
HarmoniousBlunder Posted April 5, 2014 Share Posted April 5, 2014 Scooby-philly, Sounds like you want a relationship and she doesn't. Once people begin dating, they start to reveal themselves......believe her. Sure, it hurts because you really like her. But, she clearly noted her intentions. Unless you are content with the way things are headed, which I doubt, I'd let her go now and find someone who is deserving of your attention. But, if you decide to keep it going, the ball is in her court and I would not contact her at all. Good luck.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted April 5, 2014 Author Share Posted April 5, 2014 You are right. I am looking for something....I cant help myself though. Shes the first person I had great chemistry with since my engagement fell through. I dont know if im ready for a serious relationship but I dont mind taking my time. I though after 6 dates she'd be at least considerate enough to call to cancel plans. At this point I have to leave it in her hands and wait for her to figure out if she likes me enough to at least keep to plans and communicate. Im surprised since she's initiated by giving me her number before I asked and by taking the lead physically. It just sucks right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted April 5, 2014 Author Share Posted April 5, 2014 Would be interested to know your gender. Yes it is the fear that they will not feel the same way. I know it takes all kinds but why are you on a dating site a year after yor divorced if yo dont want to meet someone and see where it goes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 So, we had an impromptu meetup late, late saturday nice - she called me at 11 and we talked and ending up going out for a beer at 12am and spent two hours talking. Then a 3 hour makeout session in my car. As I stated previously, she's a very private woman. I haven't been to her place and she hasn't really revealed a lot. I have stuck my foot in my mouth a few times - honestly I am scared. She's very different and I would have considered her out of my league in the past, but we've got great chemistry. We plan on going out next weekend and I think I'd like to lay it out - let's go slowly, let's get to know each other, lets be passionate but also open and honest and see where things go. She's not ready for something serious - in terms of the commitment and the "sacrifice" and I'm not ready either. I may want it, and I definitely do in the long term, but I need to be true about my other feelings, which are I'm finally in a place to take charge of the rest of my life and I'm not ready to give that up either. I just want to get to know her, have fun, and see what happens. thanks to all who responded! Link to post Share on other sites
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Share Posted April 7, 2014 I have an almost identical situation - it's been two months. I can't count dates because we've had 'dates' and we've had weekends together (with friends) where she and I were a couple. But she is very private and reserved and I initiate almost everything. There is a chance she' not really that interested or just enjoying whatever comes along with us. But when we are together, we really enjoy each other's company and seems to have very good chemistry. Recently I've taken a real soulful look at this relationship and where it might go and what it might be. In my case, I know she hasn't had many relationships and definitely not long ones. So some of the initiation and bottled up feelings I attribute to that. But maybe not all. The thing is I really like her, I really enjoy our time together and I feel connected to her when we are together. I'm not annoyed by initiating or lack of her talking about her feelings. Maybe sometime I will be. Until then, the person I enjoy spending time with is easy and doesn't provide me bad stress. So, I'll just take it as it comes. I don't know if she's very interested or just a little bit - but when we are together everything works well (and we see each other only once a week or so too). So, my advice - if you like her. Don't stress and just go with it. If it annoys you, let her go. For me, I'm not really looking to have to have a relationship so willing to see where this on one goes because we feel right together. To leave her and get into another one just because I don't get all the warm fuzzy's yet..doesn't seem quite right. I know who she is and this is her personality and I like her...so going with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted April 7, 2014 Author Share Posted April 7, 2014 Yes - i feel exactuly the same way. I didn't have a lot of dating experience when i was younger, so i rushed into my relationship with my ex-fiance because it felt soo good to have someone else. I've been on a number of dates with people since I went back into dating and this particular woman I'm seeing now is awesome. I just have to fight the "clinger" or "old" person I was - I know better now that you can't change people and that people's actions speak louder than anything else. She's funny, smart, hard-working yet simple, honest, and loyal. She's stated clearly she doesn't want a committed relationship, and that's fine with me as long as she's open to continue seeing me and getting to know each other more and more. I've just started a new job and she will be too in 2 weeks - so we're both going to be busy and I'm also contemplating going back to school, so I will busy and I don't perceive her as someone whose going to be dating around a lot - so I will just see what happens. As you said - she causes me no stress and we have a great vibe when we are together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scooby-philly Posted April 15, 2014 Author Share Posted April 15, 2014 Well, She texted me out of the blue friday as I was leaving work. She was on her way back into the city after work and wanted to have a drink. Long story short - magic happened. It was not awkward and we had a planned date on Saturday. Planned date went well - show, dinner, music. Then, another round - with her complimenting me on never having gotten off so much. Well, things are good. I don't say that to brag, but I am writing this only as self-assurance that I was right not to push things and to let her set the pace. She confuses me at times, at times I feel awkward, at times I feel incompetent - it has nothing to do with her - just my fears. When I'm not giving in to my fears or letting my doubt rule me - we are totally awesome together. Thanks to all who gave advice! Link to post Share on other sites
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