RoseMadder Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 This all started 4 years ago when my mom went away with nan for the weekend to visit relatives. Dad had been acting a bit weird but nothing unusual for him, he's always kept secrets and told lies about the stupidest things like saying he's not drinking and then sneaking out to buy booze and drinking it in secret. Nobody minds if he wants a drink, HE'S the one who says he's quitting, so why hide it from us? I digress... So while moms away my dad came up to my place (over the road from theirs) and starts telling me how he feels abandoned by my mom, she cares more for nan than she does the rest if us (not true, at all) and he's unhappy. I thought he was just being melodramatic and said to tell mom how he's feeling when she gets back. "Whatever happens between you at least you're doing something about it now and you haven't got another women on the go" I said to him. What an idiot I am... He then said HE was going to go away for a night to get his head together, weird, but whatever, he's my dad , I can't tell him he has to stay in. So off he goes and I didn't think more of it until a few hours later my phone rings, it's dad, when I answer the phone the first thing he says is "I've met someone else" WTF!!! He then says that he's at hers but won't tell me who she is and he's in love and won't be coming home. He then told me to keep it from my family until he figures out how to tell them! At this point I lost it a bit telling him he has no right to ask me to lie to my H and brothers, that I couldn't just sit there and say nothing when they asked where he was. Then I hung up. Five minutes before the men where due back from work dad calls again. He's made a mistake, he can't leave us, please don't say anything to the boys.. I said ok, but in truth I told my H and eldest bro. So he comes home and when we're alone begs me to keep it from mom, it's over, she didn't want him to leave his family for her. So I decide I'll not say anything, have a snoop and see if things are really over with this woman, she posted on FB "Looks like I'm destined to die alone ..." And this is the truly, truly f****d up part of it - she did die, the VERY NEXT DAY. Stroke or something like that. So I believed dad when he said that she rejected him and even though I was furiously p****d off at him for years because I felt he'd gotten away with it and I hadn't, my guilt at not telling mom was eating me, I eventually forgave him. Fast forward 4 years and I'm in the bath at their place (mine was broke) and I hear dad talking in the room underneath me. He's talking to a woman and telling her he loves her and is arranging to meet her the next day. Earlier on that day he'd asked me to ask mom if we can have Sunday lunch later because my stomach was bad, she wasn't to know he'd asked, he just needed a few hours to "sort some stuff out" and like an idiot I had. So I just lost it, I told him I'd heard everything, he tried to say I'd misheard etc... but I was having none of it. When he realised I wouldn't back down he started crying and admitted that he'd been flirting, nothing had happened sexually (bull$hitt) and he called her in front of me and told her it's over. So again I kept daddy's secret, I just cannot hurt my mom, she is the world to me, she's the most sweet, loving, generous person I know. She NEVER puts herself first. A few days later he tells me he met up with his ow to say goodbye (ggrrrrr) and he says that she told him she didn't want to break up his family. Sound familiar? Anyways, since then he's been going into work at night ( never did it before) still sneaky with his phone, my H works with my dad and his ow so he see's stuff, dads ALWAYS looking for excuses to get out the house, even if we draw him a list of stuff we need from the shop he'll not buy his cigarettes so he's got an excuse to take an hour long trip to a shop five minutes away. I'm desperately trying to stay out of it, everything I read says to do that but it's so hard. But just ignoring dads f-ing affairs aren't enough, he came up to me and my H the other day asking if we can get him some weed! WTF! He usually hates the stuff, says it upsets his guts. So straight away I know the only reason he wants it is for his slut and I'm furious, I tell him no, I don't think it's for him and I'm not going to do the ow a favour! I say he's stupid, he's the manager of a business who's ****ing his employees and offering to sell them drugs!!! What is going on in his head? He could lose his family and his job all in one go! He's asked my H again this evening and he said no, we won't help you destroy yourself. I'm so confused, I've got serious health problems and all this is just making it worse and my poor mom, I'm sure she knows something's up, he's lost weight and shaved his beard off and is acting like a twat but whenever I bring him behaving strange up she just shrugs it off and changes the conversation. Please help me, any advice would be so welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
xAkulax Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Your dads an a$$ hole tell your mom the truth and be there for her she will need you for support more then ever. PS Who the hell ask there kids for weed???????????????? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Your Dad has serious issues. Cut him off completely. He needs to get some counseling and own his S*** but right now the only thing you are doing is enabling him. Seriously, step away completely NOW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseMadder Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Your dads an a$$ hole tell your mom the truth and be there for her she will need you for support more then ever. PS Who the hell ask there kids for weed???????????????? He's always had boundary issues, he'd buy me ciggies and booze when I was 13, he was the cool parent, I could talk to him about anything, stuff a kid shouldn't be able to tell their parents without them killing someone, but it never seemed to bother him. I'm nearly 30 and he figures if I smoke weed, why not ask me to get it for his ow? It's ****ed up man... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseMadder Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Your Dad has serious issues. Cut him off completely. He needs to get some counseling and own his S*** but right now the only thing you are doing is enabling him. Seriously, step away completely NOW. It'd be hard to cut him off while he's living just over the road, I agree with you but logistically it'd be difficult. I really do need to step away, I'm just so bloody angry at him, until the first A he was perfect dad. Now all I can see are the lies and hurt he's causing and he thinks he's so damn clever! He's so smug because he thinks he's always going to get away with it. I hate the way he's made me a liar... Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Normally I would never tell children to get involved in their parents issues, but he has already involved you to the point where you are complicitous. Your father has obvious boundary issues so don't expect him to be able to function without involving you. He has no right to involve you in his duplicity at all and I am very afraid if your mom finds out you covered, she will also see you as a liar and on his side. I would tell her because by you covering for him you are enabling him, and if he never gets caught, he never has to get help,and he is spiraling out of control with screwing employees and providing weed for them. Good luck, Grumps 6 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 It'd be hard to cut him off while he's living just over the road, I agree with you but logistically it'd be difficult. I really do need to step away, I'm just so bloody angry at him, until the first A he was perfect dad. Now all I can see are the lies and hurt he's causing and he thinks he's so damn clever! He's so smug because he thinks he's always going to get away with it. I hate the way he's made me a liar... No need to keep his secrets any longer. Tell him if he doesn't tell your Mom in front of you within a day - you will tell her. Don't expect your mom to leave the M - and don't expect your dad to quit cheating. Your dad is a jerk - first for asking you to lie for him - but most for being a serial cheater. I hope your Mom finds the courage to be free from his toxic ways. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseMadder Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Normally I would never tell children to get involved in their parents issues, but he has already involved you to the point where you are complicitous. Your father has obvious boundary issues so don't expect him to be able to function without involving you. He has no right to involve you in his duplicity at all and I am very afraid if your mom finds out you covered, she will also see you as a liar and on his side. I would tell her because by you covering for him you are enabling him, and if he never gets caught, he never has to get help,and he is spiraling out of control with screwing employees and providing weed for them. Good luck, Grumps Thank you so very much for your advice Grumps, I think you're right, if I don't tell her then his spiral out of control won't stop until he's ruined all our lives. I don't think for one minute he wants to leave mom for his new ow, he just wants cake, I also think my mom may forgive him but he needs a metaphorical kick in the balls I have worried that my mom might be angry with me but now I think she'd be angrier at him for putting me in this position. Thankyou again for your wise words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Read this thread, https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/467123-my-mom-cheater Hopefully it'll help you see that the truth has to come out. Your dad has put you in a really bad and uncomfortable position, shame on him. HE should be the one to come clean to her, so encourage him to do so. If he refuses, you'll have to tell her what you know, at least this way she can decide for herself if she wants to forgive him and work it out, or divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseMadder Posted March 18, 2014 Author Share Posted March 18, 2014 Read this thread, https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/467123-my-mom-cheater Hopefully it'll help you see that the truth has to come out. Your dad has put you in a really bad and uncomfortable position, shame on him. HE should be the one to come clean to her, so encourage him to do so. If he refuses, you'll have to tell her what you know, at least this way she can decide for herself if she wants to forgive him and work it out, or divorce. Thank you for helping with this, I think either I have to tell her or him tell her in front of me, otherwise he'll just lie through his teeth to her. I honestly think she loves him and will take him back, I'm just hoping I can use the advise on LS to help guide them to do, what they need to do, and do it in the right way. Should be easy huh? Lol Link to post Share on other sites
bobwhite007 Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Thank you for helping with this, I think either I have to tell her or him tell her in front of me, otherwise he'll just lie through his teeth to her. I honestly think she loves him and will take him back, I'm just hoping I can use the advise on LS to help guide them to do, what they need to do, and do it in the right way. Should be easy huh? Lol she changes the subject.?She may be cheatin too. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 she changes the subject.?She may be cheatin too. Huh....? Where did you dig this up from....? Link to post Share on other sites
bobwhite007 Posted March 18, 2014 Share Posted March 18, 2014 Huh....? Where did you dig this up from....? Wrong thread i guess sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseMadder Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 I just told her. H and I went secret squirrel to the ow house tonight because he had made up some crappy excuse about having to go to work, his car was there. I texted him saying I'd seen his car and had to tell mom everything because I wouldn't lie to her any more. He hasn't been in touch since. I came home and told mom, she wasn't upset or anything, she said she's got bigger problems (nan's cancer, my illness etc..) than some silly old man who doesn't know how to behave! WTF! I actually think she was worried that he may not come home. I hope I haven't ****ed things up by texting him. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I just told her. H and I went secret squirrel to the ow house tonight because he had made up some crappy excuse about having to go to work, his car was there. I texted him saying I'd seen his car and had to tell mom everything because I wouldn't lie to her any more. He hasn't been in touch since. I came home and told mom, she wasn't upset or anything, she said she's got bigger problems (nan's cancer, my illness etc..) than some silly old man who doesn't know how to behave! WTF! I actually think she was worried that he may not come home. I hope I haven't ****ed things up by texting him. Any advice? No. You've done what you should, now stay out of it, and block any attempt on his part to enrol you in his silliness. Say no, and mean it. Move well away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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