I need advice

[Rachel]

Well, last night was the big dinner. I called him up last Friday, and he sounded genuinely happy to hear from me. We went to dinner last night, after we had broken up exacly two months ago. Everyone who knows him had told me that he was miserable. We had dated for 2 1/2 years. He said he hadn't been sleeping as well, and going to work a lot earlier.

 

I have missed him terribly. Dinner went great. A bit awkward at first. He said he thought about me everyday. This is from a man that is not very verbal. He said this was going to be a great year for him and he was figuring a lot of things out, personally and professionally.

 

I asked him if there was hope for us, he said, said, in a kind tone of voice, "be patient with me". I said do you realize how good we are together? His response was; I know you are good for me, I DO know that. Then he said, and I'm not just saying that.

 

I asked him if he would like to know how I felt, and he said, I have a very strong idea how you feel. He said, I know how you feel.

 

He also said he had dated some casually, nothing serious....

 

So my questions are two fold:

 

What does "be patient with me" mean? Does he think we will get back together? The tone of voice he used, seemed to indicate exacltly that, however, how do we do that?

 

What do I do from here? slowly resume contact, and call him occasionally?

 

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I love this man with all my heart and I know he is beginning to see the light with respect to us, however, If he is going to casually date, then will his interests turn to another woman?

 

Help! I really feel soooo scared.

[Tony T]

You basically put him on the spot with questions he obviously felt uncomfortable answering, and therefore gave you vague answers.

 

There is no reason to interpret his answers one way or another. Whatever we post here, you would only want to believe the positive.

 

I will only say that if he has been losing sleep because he misses his relationship with you, most normal men would not have hesitated in desiring to explore a reconciliation.

 

There is some compelling reason why he doesn't want to do that at this time.

 

Again, it is useless to try to interpret his behavior but the fact that he joined you for dinner is a positive sign that he either wants to work towards a friendship, explore getting back into a relationship, or he is feeling very guilty about moving on.

 

Maybe somebody here is qualified to tell you what's on his mind.

 

As far as yourself, you already know what you want to do. You should probably have the strong desire to call him now and then, to invite him out now and then and to closely monitor his dating activities. I think doing all of this will have pain associated with it.

 

The best thing for you to do is call in every few weeks, don't invite him out (let him ask you to do something), and do exactly the same thing he's doing...date around.

 

His dating other people (and he's not going to tell you just how casually or uncasually) seems to me a sign of something only you know him well enough to interpret. Generally speaking, I don't think dating around casually has any meaning one way or another. If he is truly in love with you, these other ladies will have no meaning in his life. However, it's puzzling that if he really loves you and misses you...why would he have this curiosity to see other ladies?

 

He sent you a lot of very vague and mixed messages. While you were able to be physically in his presence, I'm not so sure last night's dinner was productive in any other way. You probably don't even remember what you ate or how it tasted.

 

I do hope this works out well but I don't think he gave any meaningful signs anything will happen soon. I have a feeling when you parted, you felt maybe a bit more empty than you felt beforehand. I've been there.

 

No need to be scared. I really see no reason to feel any particular way about this exchange. But I hope you will keep in mind that the two of you broke up two months ago and continuing to break the scabs on your wounds is not good for you. The best thing to do is move on with your healing process...and not hang around waiting for this dude.

[Rachel]

Dear Tony;

 

You have given me good advice on several occasions and this one is not an exception.

 

Yes, I do feel a bit more empty, but I guess, like all romantics I thought he would jump to a reconciliation.

 

I am hurting inside like crazy. Deep down, I believe there is a chance for us, but for now, I will cease all contact with him(or do you still think I should check in with him every few weeks?). I think if there's a chance, it won't be for anytime soon though, maybe many months from now.

 

The ball is in his court. He may have heard from other people that I had been casually dating(which I have), and at least now he knows that even though I have, my feelings for him are still strong, and the door is still open, if and when he wants to call, if I am available.

 

The only thing I hate that I did, is of course, I put out a bit too much emotion last night, even though I told myself before I wasn't going to do that. Oh, well, I guess I am human.

 

The ball's in his court. If he wants to work out his issues, then maybe he will call and we can start working out towards a reconciliation.

 

All I can say is, I know for sure, that calling him and the dinner WAS a good idea, if very painful afterwards. I know the type of person he is, and given his past history and the things he is dealing with(which he says for the first time that he IS dealing with the pain of his ended marriage and other issues,), that he would NOT have called me, even if he had desired to do so.

 

Well, any other words of wisdom would be appreciated. I just wish my heart wouldn't HURT sooooo much. Love is hard.

 

Any other words of wisdom from other folks out there would be much appreciated as well.

[Tony T]

I don't see any problem with you giving him a VERY BRIEF, friendly call every two or three weeks just to ask him how he is doing. Don't talk about anything serious and DON'T ask him about his dating activities and such. Keep the calls brief.

 

The less you see or talk to him, the better you will be served. Love is more a matter of timing than anything. If he is not ready for something more with you now, pouring your guts out to him each time you have contact with him is a major mistake and will surely drive him away.

 

I have already given you my best words of wisdom in my previous post. But, if you want my industrial strength advice, the most he could possibly ever want you at this time is when you start seeing someone else. That will drive him nuts. Anything short of that will be mostly an annoyance.

 

Don't spill your feelings out to him anymore. Last night was enough. Until he comes around, just make the rare contact you have with him light in nature.

 

Have a great weekend and go out and have some fun with your friends.

[Laurynn]

ahhh..reading your posts here, brought back memories of similar situations i've been in. i can remember feeling so happy yet feeling so sad because the guy was really vague and i still didn't know where things stood [and patience is definitely not my strong suit lol]

 

i'm trying to figure what he could have meant by 'be patient with me'.......why did you two break up again ? whose idea was that ?

 

you mentioned that he had stuff to deal with from his past married.....how long had he been married, how long has he been divorced....was he divorced when you two began dating ?

 

does he have children with his ex/any reason for him to have contact with her ?

 

what's all this stuff he has to deal with, personally and professionally....do you have any idea what he's talking about ?

 

laurynn

[Rachel]

i'm trying to figure what he could have meant by 'be patient with me'.......why did you two break up again ? whose idea was that ?

Well, I am "guessing" that by be patient with me, he was letting me know that there is possibly hope for us down the road. We did kiss briefly and were very affectionate the whole night. We have only broken up Once, and it was to clarify why the relationship wasn't moving forward. I was aiming for a two month break. He said he needed more than two months and that he knew two months wouldn't be sufficient.

.how long had he been married, how long has he been divorced....was he divorced when you two began dating ?

He had been married for almost 6 years. She left cold turkey. He is truly a gem of a person. Everybody loves him. He had been divorced for abuot 6 months when I met him. The first year he was very standoffish, and you could tell how truy devastated he was. But through our 21/2 year relationship, I must say, It was incredible. We have shared some TRULY fun times. He is just great to be around.

 

And no, there are no children.

what's all this stuff he has to deal with, personally and professionally....do you have any idea what he's talking about ?

1. Professionally, he's a stockbroker, and his company due to all the dot com stuff has been pressuring the sales guys to SELL SELL SELL. He has been with them for 14 years, and is your typical steady-eddie type person. He says he is contemplating leaving his job.

 

2. Personally; I think he definitely is trying to a)deal with the pain of his past which he has SEVERELY avoided doing, b)try to move on and see what he wants out of the rest of his life. He said he is thinking that he MAY want children. He knows that I do, and up to this point has been more in the NO side, but always indecisive.

 

I dont' know how to describe how much I love this man. He is truly a wonderful person and friend, and lover. I just invited him to dinner(which you and strawberry were all for!!). He JUMPED on it. Kissed me when he walked in my house to pick me up, we had a great time, but we did end up discussing about us, some. That's when he said, that he knew that I was GOOD for him, and that he's not a fool. He said "be patient with me". So, I guess that's why I am thinking he meant a ray of hope for us.

 

I would LOVE any advice. My heart is very HEAVY and breaking tonight. I had done soooooo good the past two months(overall), and now today, I am in pieces.

[Tony T]

....I really need to take a shower and wash my hair first. Can you wait?

[lisa]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2yrs and I am finding it very difficult to understand absouletly everything. We broke up because i thought he was spending too much time with every person in his life but me. I am not being selfish or posseive it was just difficult for me to spend quality time together.

 

In the past he cheated on me twice two weeks and i know for a fact that he did not sleep with them just kissed them , but that still dose not make it any easier. anyway i eventually forgave him and things were o.k but then he started to spend too much time with a female co-worker and it made me feel uneasy. We had an argument(nothing major) but he saidto me " I need to grow up and stop being so insecure". i know this girl quite well and i don't feel threatened by her physical appearance , but i still felt something was going on. maybe I was paraniod but , after i told him my feelings and after he said i need to be more mature about things he decided to end the relationship right there and then.

 

I feel so confused. He said that he needs to be single for a while(i don't really understand that) all i can think of is that he wants to be able to be with other people.

 

anyway he rang me up about a week after we broke up and he asked me to meet him at his house to get all my stuff that was there.

 

I went there feeling very angry and hurt and expecting him to be rude to me as that was how he was when we broke up and when i got there he was quite polite and nice. i thought o.k be mature don't carry on , just get your things and go.

 

easier said than done. we were sitting down and he just kissed me and then we ended up sleeping together. now i know you are probably saying silly girl but i truly did not&still do not know what to make of all this. he sends me text messages on my phone a few times and we have ended up sleeping together again. he wants this to continue and i told him i feel confused and hurt. i asked him flat out if he has met someone else or if he is sleeping with someone else on a casual basis and he said no. i told him that i would not get angry, of course i would be hurt, but i would simply walk away and get on with my life if he choses to live his life like that. he just said no he is not with anyone else , but needs to get himself together.

 

i spoke to my sister about this and we are not sure what to make of this situation. i am not sure if he is just using me or if a part of him can't let go.

 

i really miss him. i don't know if i am doing the right thing. sorry i think i have written an essay here, i am confused and don't know how to get everything out.

 

please advise me what to do!