what is really going on?

[blue40]

Hi I'm new here. I feel really bad this morning. My boyfriend temporarily gave me keys to his house. This is because he has a woman coming to stay with him for 6 days. Long story and I don't know where to start , I want to keep this brief too and I feel kind of stupid posting here but I figure it's worth a try.

We have been on and off for 5 years. Back together this time for 4 months. When we got back together he told me he'd told her she could stay and have some sort of a get together (small party) at his house. I said that was ok as I previously had met her and she stayed one night (I was there) and it went fine. That was 5 years ago. He failed to mention she has all these feelings for him now as when we were apart (nearly 1 1/2 years) she visited and they had sex. They had had sex before we even met , I knew that and I agreed she could stay the night back then. Back then she also had a boyfriend so she wasn't so after my man.

I am very uncomfortable with the situation. He says it's no big deal and will be fine. I told him when he asked if I was ok with it when we first got back together, he left out the most important detail (that her feelings have grown since they had sex again and she has no man where she is.) so my agreeing is no longer valid. He told her she could stay anyways and when I asked for keys very quickly gave them to me.

I have such anxiety about this and it has caused problems in our relationship, though we had those before because he is so "friendly" with so many women he's had sex with in the past. This is mostly through face book. He did recently put a picture of us together there and mentions that he went places with me often so it is obvious we are together. This sometimes seems to trigger the women rather than stop them from coming around.

Yes I realize it is a crazy situation. Any advice, help in any way would be appreciated. I've spoken with my friends (who have been wonderful, really there for me.) but I would like to hear from people less emotional about me in the situation. Thank you.

[PegNosePete]

I don't get it. He gave you the keys to his house because there is some woman staying there for 6 days? So why did he give you the keys, as some kind of proof of trust or something?

 

But still - he is having some other woman, who has had sex with him and would like to again, round his house for a 6-day party?

 

If it were me, I would definitely NOT be OK with that.

[blue40]

Yes, he gave me the keys so I can feel I can trust him. He told her I would be there the whole time.

 

I am not OK with it but what can I do? I'm not going to just walk away with my tail between my legs and basically let her have him.

 

The party is not a 6 day event, just a small gathering she's invited some people to for 1 evening at his home.

[mercuryshadow]

SHE invited some people to HIS home? I've never heard of such a thing. And no, I'd not be okay with this AT ALL.

[blue40]

SHE invited some people to HIS home? I've never heard of such a thing. And no, I'd not be okay with this AT ALL.

Of course I am not ok with it. They are old friends , she is from here and has other friends (of course I said why doesn't she stay with them? She has an agenda- that's why!) and she wanted a place where she could throw a little party and see everyone. That isn't at all the part that bothers me.

[mercuryshadow]

Of course I am not ok with it. They are old friends , she is from here and has other friends (of course I said why doesn't she stay with them? She has an agenda- that's why!) and she wanted a place where she could throw a little party and see everyone. That isn't at all the part that bothers me.

 

 

 

Of course, but it sounds awfully imposing to me, which is why I remarked about it. Also, If those are people are truly friends of hers, she should stay with THEM. And I'm sorry, given the history, I find it highly inappropriate of your boyfriend to allow this to all to commence. Things have changed, and you are now in the picture. This woman should NOT be staying with your boyfriend.

[Chi townD]

I don't know, if the shoe was on the other foot and the girl I was dating was having some dude crash at her place and they've had a sexual past, I would be extremely uncomfortable with that too. So, you're not crazy to feel that way.

[blue40]

I say... don't go in accusing anyone of anything. She does sound like she has an agenda but your boyfriend might not. Does your boyfriend ever feel pressured to do things for other people (even if he really doesn't want to?)Maybe she asked and he felt it would be awkward to say no?

 

 

If he acts like you're crazy for not being completely on board, then be VERY wary. But it sounds like he understands where your coming from by giving you the keys and whatnot..

Wow, you pegged him 110% right. He doesn't say no to people. This is why she is staying and this is why I have keys. Honestly, I doubt he wanted to give me keys. I don't think he minds if she stays , though. He loves the attention, two pretty women "after" a man would be an ego boost for any man, especially one who LOVES female attention such as himself.

I would not go so far as to say he understands where I am coming from. He has been very distant with me, quite a jerk lately in fact. Sick of my nagging, yes, but (although I get there is no excuse for nagging, I know just say it once , he heard me . . .) this is an extremely frustrating situation.

[blue40]

So does anyone have any advice on how to handle the situation? I am worried she will make a move on him right in front of me (not to mention behind my back) , I should speak up, right? I doubt my boyfriend will say anything. He'll just say "it's no big deal" if she's too hands on, for example . . .

[GorillaTheater]

I should speak up, right?

 

You'd be crazy not to.

 

"I'm not okay with this. At all."

 

Is this a dealbreaker for you? I'd argue that it should be.

[d0nnivain]

Why are you worried she will make moves on him in front of you? I'd rather that then behind my back.

 

 

When she gets there, be tactile with your guy & use body language to mark your territory. Get between them etc.

[blue40]

Why are you worried she will make moves on him in front of you? I'd rather that then behind my back.

 

 

When she gets there, be tactile with your guy & use body language to mark your territory. Get between them etc.

I like this. We have already discussed it a bit, because he made reference to me not being so loud during sex while she is in the house (!!!) And I told him "I am not cruel, I wouldn't do that." He has made comments about her sitting by him, even if I already am because "I have two sides." and I have stated I will be holding his hand and he said "When do we hold hands?"

We do hold hands, particularly when we are walking.

I really like this suggestion, I just don't want to be "chasing him around" trying to force affection on him though . . . Still, it is subtle and possibly the best solution to marking territory.

My guess is she will possibly try behind my back too. And really, the more openly affectionate I am with him, the more she may be triggered to also make her own moves. I feel she is the type to compete, ( I think that is part of the motivation for the visit.) rather than to say to herself "ok, he is with her now, lets look elsewhere." I don't see her just letting this stand.

My boyfriend is very go with the flow, lets just see what happens. (Which is maddening for me.)

[blue40]

You'd be crazy not to.

 

"I'm not okay with this. At all."

 

Is this a dealbreaker for you? I'd argue that it should be.

It's a gray area. He has always had a lot of women around him. Besides his child's mother (who has no interest in him, just wanted to know who would be spending time with her daughter.) this particular woman was the only one who sat with me at dinner and was pleasant. That was then, this is now however.

I liked her for treating me decently in the past. So I told him when we first got back together I was ok with her staying and having a little party. It was he who failed to tell me that they had become MUCH closer while we were broken up.

She asked to stay and he didn't say no, he knew I didn't want that. The "deal" was I will be there the whole time. He has told me he told her that and she is not pleased. (not that I am concerned with what pleases her. This is ridiculous!)

[mercuryshadow]

It's a gray area. He has always had a lot of women around him. Besides his child's mother (who has no interest in him, just wanted to know who would be spending time with her daughter.) this particular woman was the only one who sat with me at dinner and was pleasant. That was then, this is now however.

I liked her for treating me decently in the past. So I told him when we first got back together I was ok with her staying and having a little party. It was he who failed to tell me that they had become MUCH closer while we were broken up.

She asked to stay and he didn't say no, he knew I didn't want that. The "deal" was I will be there the whole time. He has told me he told her that and she is not pleased. (not that I am concerned with what pleases her. This is ridiculous!)

 

 

Since you have decided to put up with this plan, I think it may be best if you speak with her directly. I don't think your boyfriend, given his attitude, is suited to play the role of messenger. Speak with her, but don't be confrontational. Keep it as civil as you possibly can, but be direct with her. It's honestly a big red flag IMO, that your boyfriend would even put you in this position. See what happens, but you should NOT have to fight anyone else for your boyfriend's affections or attention.

[blue40]

Agreed, in fact she is the type to likely open a conversation with me the minute we are alone. I think we'd be alone at some point. I will hear her out and let her know he is in fact committed to me and I am accepting of his friendship with her. I will be welcoming to her. I will not necessarily go out of my way to hang all over him or be obnoxious in any way unless I am pushed. But even then, I think it best to address it with him first. Very good advice here, really glad I posted. Please keep it coming. Thank you everyone.

[TAV]

You said you have been dating on and off. Was his 'friendliness' one of the reasons you split up before? Why do you think that this time it is going to last? You have been exclusive for 4 months and he still needs to have his ego stroked. Apparently you are not doing it for him. He sounds like a lot of work; would you not rather have someone who wanted to go for you and only you?

[blue40]

You said you have been dating on and off. Was his 'friendliness' one of the reasons you split up before? Why do you think that this time it is going to last? You have been exclusive for 4 months and he still needs to have his ego stroked. Apparently you are not doing it for him. He sounds like a lot of work; would you not rather have someone who wanted to go for you and only you?

Yes, his lack of boundaries with other women is why we split before.

 

This time it is going to last because he knows (if he believes what I say, which may not be the case.) that I will leave and never come back or speak with him again because this is very hard on me.- to accept a man like this.

 

Apparently I am not doing it for him, true, but is it him or me? I am too available which is never exciting. I am not the first woman he's driven mad so I don't necessarily think it's me or my total availablility "not doing it for him."

 

I would very much rather have someone who wanted me and only me. HOWEVER, nothing is perfect. All these people you see in "good" relationships, many times is a bullsh*t, or a situation where someone is settleing in some way. Again, nothing is perfect.

 

I was apart from him for nearly 2 years. I dated many people (no sex) and did not find anyone else. He has a reason for always coming back to me too- even with all this "activity" around him. Certainly he didn't lay low and not have women around and have sex while we were apart. Can it be that I am really the most sexually compatible and that is the ONLY reason he returns to me?

 

At any rate, I will not go back again. I am trying so hard to make this work and he is treating me poorly. Though he doesn't see it that way. He thinks I'm a nag and I need to lighten up and that I am making a big deal out of nothing because everything will be fine with this visit . . .

 

Yes, if someone else crossed my path that I was attracted to and he demonstrated to me he was a good person who wouldn't pull crap like this, I'd jump on the opportuinity. But being realistic, it seems no one is going to save me- weather I'm in this relationship or out of it. I don't have sex outside of relationship and I do not want to be without sex, companionship, affection, someone to love. And I do love him. But he is hurting me and simply says he can't do everything I ask and that I am controlling. I do have a controlling side.

[mercuryshadow]

Yes, his lack of boundaries with other women is why we split before.

 

This time it is going to last because he knows (if he believes what I say, which may not be the case.) that I will leave and never come back or speak with him again because this is very hard on me.- to accept a man like this.

 

Apparently I am not doing it for him, true, but is it him or me? I am too available which is never exciting. I am not the first woman he's driven mad so I don't necessarily think it's me or my total availablility "not doing it for him."

 

I would very much rather have someone who wanted me and only me. HOWEVER, nothing is perfect. All these people you see in "good" relationships, many times is a bullsh*t, or a situation where someone is settleing in some way. Again, nothing is perfect.

 

I was apart from him for nearly 2 years. I dated many people (no sex) and did not find anyone else. He has a reason for always coming back to me too- even with all this "activity" around him. Certainly he didn't lay low and not have women around and have sex while we were apart. Can it be that I am really the most sexually compatible and that is the ONLY reason he returns to me?

 

At any rate, I will not go back again. I am trying so hard to make this work and he is treating me poorly. Though he doesn't see it that way. He thinks I'm a nag and I need to lighten up and that I am making a big deal out of nothing because everything will be fine with this visit . . .

 

Yes, if someone else crossed my path that I was attracted to and he demonstrated to me he was a good person who wouldn't pull crap like this, I'd jump on the opportuinity. But being realistic, it seems no one is going to save me- weather I'm in this relationship or out of it. I don't have sex outside of relationship and I do not want to be without sex, companionship, affection, someone to love. And I do love him. But he is hurting me and simply says he can't do everything I ask and that I am controlling. I do have a controlling side.

 

 

 

Some people just don't mesh well together in significant ways. It sounds as if his lack of boundaries with other women brings out the worst in you (and personally, I don't blame you. I had an ex for 5 years who was the same way). Did he promise to revamp these behaviors when you got back together? That's actually a rhetorical question, because I doubt you would have gotten back with him had he not. These behaviors are ingrained in him, and it's unlikely that if he hasn't changed by now, that he ever will, at least not in this situation. I truly hope you MEAN it when you say this is his last shot. Because for all the times I said that to my ex, only to return to him when he'd make another round of promises, I was actually teaching him that what he was doing was okay. He and I simply did not work well together. We cared for each other very deeply until our dynamic destroyed the both of us.

 

 

The woman you are dealing with in this scenario is being territorial, and I'd venture to say that your boyfriend enjoys it. Going forward, utilize whatever advice here that seems reasonable to you and keep us posted. People will be here to support you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, his lack of boundaries with other women is why we split before.

 

This time it is going to last because he knows (if he believes what I say, which may not be the case.) that I will leave and never come back or speak with him again because this is very hard on me.- to accept a man like this.

 

Apparently I am not doing it for him, true, but is it him or me? I am too available which is never exciting. I am not the first woman he's driven mad so I don't necessarily think it's me or my total availablility "not doing it for him."

 

I would very much rather have someone who wanted me and only me. HOWEVER, nothing is perfect. All these people you see in "good" relationships, many times is a bullsh*t, or a situation where someone is settleing in some way. Again, nothing is perfect.

 

I was apart from him for nearly 2 years. I dated many people (no sex) and did not find anyone else. He has a reason for always coming back to me too- even with all this "activity" around him. Certainly he didn't lay low and not have women around and have sex while we were apart. Can it be that I am really the most sexually compatible and that is the ONLY reason he returns to me?

 

At any rate, I will not go back again. I am trying so hard to make this work and he is treating me poorly. Though he doesn't see it that way. He thinks I'm a nag and I need to lighten up and that I am making a big deal out of nothing because everything will be fine with this visit . . .

 

Yes, if someone else crossed my path that I was attracted to and he demonstrated to me he was a good person who wouldn't pull crap like this, I'd jump on the opportuinity. But being realistic, it seems no one is going to save me- weather I'm in this relationship or out of it. I don't have sex outside of relationship and I do not want to be without sex, companionship, affection, someone to love. And I do love him. But he is hurting me and simply says he can't do everything I ask and that I am controlling. I do have a controlling side.

 

It sounds like it could the reason for the next split too. I say that (however pessimistic it sounds) because it seems as though he still doesn't understand the concept of boundaries. What's changed? He's letting a former sexual partner stay in his house. Excuse me? No. There are no boundaries here. He omitted very important details when he got you to agree to this - that is incredibly underhanded of him. That would not fly in my book!

 

You say you don't want to be without love, companionship, and so on. So this is what you settle for?

[blue40]

Some people just don't mesh well together in significant ways. It sounds as if his lack of boundaries with other women brings out the worst in you (and personally, I don't blame you. I had an ex for 5 years who was the same way). Did he promise to revamp these behaviors when you got back together? That's actually a rhetorical question, because I doubt you would have gotten back with him had he not. These behaviors are ingrained in him, and it's unlikely that if he hasn't changed by now, that he ever will, at least not in this situation. I truly hope you MEAN it when you say this is his last shot. Because for all the times I said that to my ex, only to return to him when he'd make another round of promises, I was actually teaching him that what he was doing was okay. He and I simply did not work well together. We cared for each other very deeply until our dynamic destroyed the both of us.

 

The woman you are dealing with in this scenario is being territorial, and I'd venture to say that your boyfriend enjoys it. Going forward, utilize whatever advice here that seems reasonable to you and keep us posted. People will be here to support you.

Wow thank you. I hope I do not have to come back for advice during her visit but we shall see. When we got back together he simply said "I'll handle the women." I chose to trust him but I am watching because I don't feel he is handling the women and he has not been treating me so good recently. I will keep everyone posted. Thank you again.

[blue40]

It sounds like it could the reason for the next split too. I say that (however pessimistic it sounds) because it seems as though he still doesn't understand the concept of boundaries. What's changed? He's letting a former sexual partner stay in his house. Excuse me? No. There are no boundaries here. He omitted very important details when he got you to agree to this - that is incredibly underhanded of him. That would not fly in my book!

 

You say you don't want to be without love, companionship, and so on. So this is what you settle for?

I agree with you which is why I was concerned enough to post. I feel he manipulated me into agreeing she could stay. When I found out the situation had changed between them, I took back my agreement but he went ahead and told her she could stay anyway.

 

I do have other men interested in me but I am not interested in them. I want things to work with this man. I do know this is crap treatment and I sometimes wish I'd made different choices in partners in the past instead of being his girlfriend. It feels that bad sometimes.

[JessieJ08]

In your title you post what is really going on but I feel like you know what has always been going on with this guy. Your just not wanting to accept it truly. You can't change how someone is and you def can't make them right, If your boyfriend is a Liar about females and he doesn't care about how you feel enough to respect you and let go of all other woman. your wasting your time, maybe the guys that hit on you aren't what you want but how about just be single and have fun and focus on yourself... And wait for a good guy that you will want to come along. Instead of being on your boyfriends list of many females.

 

He will never change these boundaries specially since he didn't think you were worth that respect in the beginning no way will he now or ever.

So you rather walk around holding the hand of an insecure boy who needs attention from lots females vs. being happy about who you are and knowing your worth more then dudes like this?

 

If you can't truly stand up for yourself you will fall for anything and anyone and I don't think thats good for you, because you will keep ending up with jerks like your boyfriend. Yea he is friendly, Im sure to every female he encounters so what makes his friendliness so special? NOTHING

 

He gave you keys ok but are you actually going to be there the whole time even at night with them? I'm guessing not so him giving you the keys is like truly a test of your character. He knows your not going to actually use them to check up on him and if you do he will say your crazy and it will go bad trust me. Don't fall for that mess

[blue40]

^^^^ a lot of good points in this advice.

 

I survived. Barely. What this poster said did somewhat happen. I was around the entire time and he did get mad about it. I was gone a total of an hour and a half. I don't think anything happened but he is the type who can be nagged into something and seems to want to keep many women around at any cost.

I think there is something wrong with him and something wrong with me but I have given up on my love life. We were apart almost 2 years and I didn't do any better in finding someone else when I was alone either.

Still I shouldn't be just surviving. I am playing with the idea of saying no. "No, she cannot stay in this house if you want to keep me as a girlfriend." Because he has already told me this will happen again, that she will be back. I feel trapped as though there really is no solution to this besides being single or settling for some guy I don't really want. I don't want this , sharing a man , either.

[ExpatInItaly]

^^^^ a lot of good points in this advice.

 

I survived. Barely. What this poster said did somewhat happen. I was around the entire time and he did get mad about it. I was gone a total of an hour and a half. I don't think anything happened but he is the type who can be nagged into something and seems to want to keep many women around at any cost.

I think there is something wrong with him and something wrong with me but I have given up on my love life. We were apart almost 2 years and I didn't do any better in finding someone else when I was alone either.

Still I shouldn't be just surviving. I am playing with the idea of saying no. "No, she cannot stay in this house if you want to keep me as a girlfriend." Because he has already told me this will happen again, that she will be back. I feel trapped as though there really is no solution to this besides being single or settling for some guy I don't really want. I don't want this , sharing a man , either.

 

Hold the phone - WAT?! Oh, honey. No. Hell NO.

 

OP, your guy has learned absolutely nothing about boundaries. He bulldozes right over yours. His desires are far more important than your feelings to him, and he has very little respect for you. That is an absolute, unequivocal dealbreaker in my book. Trust me, you can do far better than a guy who wants to spend time alone with a woman he once had sex with. Yuck.

[blue40]

Hold the phone - WAT?! Oh, honey. No. Hell NO.

 

OP, your guy has learned absolutely nothing about boundaries. He bulldozes right over yours. His desires are far more important than your feelings to him, and he has very little respect for you. That is an absolute, unequivocal dealbreaker in my book. Trust me, you can do far better than a guy who wants to spend time alone with a woman he once had sex with. Yuck.

Agreed , he didn't insist on spending time alone with her, but yeah I guess if he says I'm smothering him, he must have wanted to.