what is really going on?

[ExpatInItaly]

Agreed , he didn't insist on spending time alone with her, but yeah I guess if he says I'm smothering him, he must have wanted to.

 

Yup. I would kick him to the curb. He wants to be with her, it's quite obvious.

[blue40]

Yup. I would kick him to the curb. He wants to be with her, it's quite obvious.

What's funny is I don't think so. If he wanted to be with her, wouldn't he have just broken up with me before she even spent all that money to visit? He was with me the whole time.

But now, he in my opinion, is treating me worse than before the trip! I have concluded I should have just said no to this visit. He wouldn't have taken my no, though, he would have done what he wanted anyways. And if he wanted sex that week, she was there. I was not in a good position to do anything.

But now to get no appreciation for going along with this? He says it was a compromise and he owes me nothing for it.

I get that you have to stand up for yourself and this is probably a reflection of him respecting me even less for putting up with this bs but I don't understand why it seems that other people who want decent treatment from men they are attracted to get it and I do not. Yes, putting up with bs is obviously not getting me anywhere but I really wish someone had the answer to why my love life turned out so bad and more important, what can I do to fix it???

Leaving him is no guarantee I will do better. He is worse than the last one and it wasn't supposed to go that way (otherwise should have just stayed with the last one.) Single life sucked so bad and I was single and dated a lot for almost 2 years. I'm at a loss. I wish someone would help me , even if the advice I get is not the most ethical. People with far less ethics are doing far better than me in relationships. I try to be a good person and I get this bs. I am good looking, have a stable job etc. I am a loyal woman who doesn't have casual sex. Any guesses as to what I'm doing wrong? Thank you again everyone.

[ExpatInItaly]

What's funny is I don't think so. If he wanted to be with her, wouldn't he have just broken up with me before she even spent all that money to visit? He was with me the whole time.

But now, he in my opinion, is treating me worse than before the trip! I have concluded I should have just said no to this visit. He wouldn't have taken my no, though, he would have done what he wanted anyways. And if he wanted sex that week, she was there. I was not in a good position to do anything.

But now to get no appreciation for going along with this? He says it was a compromise and he owes me nothing for it.

I get that you have to stand up for yourself and this is probably a reflection of him respecting me even less for putting up with this bs but I don't understand why it seems that other people who want decent treatment from men they are attracted to get it and I do not. Yes, putting up with bs is obviously not getting me anywhere but I really wish someone had the answer to why my love life turned out so bad and more important, what can I do to fix it???

Leaving him is no guarantee I will do better. He is worse than the last one and it wasn't supposed to go that way (otherwise should have just stayed with the last one.) Single life sucked so bad and I was single and dated a lot for almost 2 years. I'm at a loss. I wish someone would help me , even if the advice I get is not the most ethical. People with far less ethics are doing far better than me in relationships. I try to be a good person and I get this bs. I am good looking, have a stable job etc. I am a loyal woman who doesn't have casual sex. Any guesses as to what I'm doing wrong? Thank you again everyone.

 

Not necessarily, no. When I said "be" with her, I meant that he wants to get physical with her. You said he got upset when you didn't leave them alone the whole time - why do you suppose that is? It sounds to me that he wants the chance to have sex with her again, but he doesn't break up with you because he doesn't have to. You provide the convenient comforts of a relationship but he gets ticked off when it cramps his style. Ick.

 

In any case, I think he's not the right guy for you. He flat-out told you to expect this to happen again. All you can do is decide whether or not you want to stick around for that. I sure as hell wouldn't. You're not doing a good job of enforcing the boundaries you expect him to respect. There are far better guys out there; learn to expect more from them than this. The fact that you went along with it indicates you need to stand up for yourself more and filter out the shady guys more carefully.

[JessieJ08]

Well No he wouldn't break up with you for her. Why have one when you can have both. She maybe a girl that does not require a guy make her number one, she may even like the fact he is in a relationship with someone else. Either way this guy is all in it for selfish reasons. Like I said he is insecure you sticking around when he knows its upsetting you is actually making him proud deep down. I really think you should leave this guy alone walk away be better then this immature insecure gross crap!

 

Even if you could actually end up long term you have to understand this guy isn't even willing to let go of girls he just slept with and thats not normal. Even if he is standing up for these females thats worse.

 

You deserve more then this guy... just the fact of everything you have said and you noticing this not a good situation just proves you deserve more then what you settled for this guy may play like he is such a great catch but Yuck He is a gross little insecure boy, he honestly deserves to be stuck with the female who would sleep or try to sleep with guys no matter what circumstances even them being in a relationship. Just leave and watch in a few years this guy isn't going to end up anywhere serious or with any woman of value. He will end up with insecure chicks like him who don't have boundries or respect and much worse will cheat on people. Save yourself from this

[blue40]

Well No he wouldn't break up with you for her. Why have one when you can have both. She maybe a girl that does not require a guy make her number one, she may even like the fact he is in a relationship with someone else. Either way this guy is all in it for selfish reasons. Like I said he is insecure you sticking around when he knows its upsetting you is actually making him proud deep down. I really think you should leave this guy alone walk away be better then this immature insecure gross crap!

 

Even if you could actually end up long term you have to understand this guy isn't even willing to let go of girls he just slept with and thats not normal. Even if he is standing up for these females thats worse.

 

You deserve more then this guy... just the fact of everything you have said and you noticing this not a good situation just proves you deserve more then what you settled for this guy may play like he is such a great catch but Yuck He is a gross little insecure boy, he honestly deserves to be stuck with the female who would sleep or try to sleep with guys no matter what circumstances even them being in a relationship. Just leave and watch in a few years this guy isn't going to end up anywhere serious or with any woman of value. He will end up with insecure chicks like him who don't have boundries or respect and much worse will cheat on people. Save yourself from this

It has occurred to me I am just the "queen" of the desperate, married (etc. - otherwise unattractive in a fundamental way) flawed women around him. I don't want to be queen in this castle of trash. The previous queen , who was a contributing cause to our brake up last time has been in touch. She was only with him on and off a short time (partly because she moved away, still lives elsewhere.) until she found someone else also briefly- she doesn't stick around long. I am pissed off that he is interacting with her.

I took a short trip myself and I do my best thinking when driving and in new settings. I did miss him, however my thoughts were mostly on fate vs. free will. I found my answer. It is not fate that I have a love life like this. I chose that destiny in choosing a man like this. Still I wish fate would let someone decent I am actually attracted to cross my path. My free will leads me to look but I came back to questioning fate vs. free will because my choice to look has somewhat led me here.

Don't know if any of that makes sense. Besides anger, I feel stuck. Thank you again everyone. Please keep the comments coming. I am enjoying the different perspectives which are intelligent and caring, qualities I respect and need these days from my interactions.

Yes, I think he may get a little bit of a kick out of my emotional reactions to his poor treatment. From my perspective (though he'd never admit it.) this woman who's now coming back around did cheat on him. This is the type of woman he mostly has around that I am "complaining" about. Disloyal, where I am loyal, not that physically attractive- though his opinion probably differs and just no character or stability with jobs, the type who "needs" a helping hand from a man- where I am more a responsible type. But he does cause a bad reaction in me. However even though I am mad , I am strangely calm today.

[preraph]

Use those keys! Look, there are people who stay friends. I'm one. It doesn't mean either that they will or they won't have sex again sometime, but it sounds like he's not going to do it right now while you're his GF no matter how much she begs. Usually, if you have the stomach for it, the best way is to befriend the woman. Make her see what he loves in you, make her feel bad if she gets in the middle.

 

But please, keep one perspective on this, and that is: She was there first. So actually, YOU are the interloper here. That's probably why she doesn't feel she needs to stay completely out of the way. Old relationships often settle into harmless friendships, though. He gave you the keys. It is the most he could do without telling her no she can't stay there. Give them some time alone, yes, but I think you should tell him you want to be a visible couple while she's here.

[blue40]

Use those keys! Look, there are people who stay friends. I'm one. It doesn't mean either that they will or they won't have sex again sometime, but it sounds like he's not going to do it right now while you're his GF no matter how much she begs. Usually, if you have the stomach for it, the best way is to befriend the woman. Make her see what he loves in you, make her feel bad if she gets in the middle.

 

But please, keep one perspective on this, and that is: She was there first. So actually, YOU are the interloper here. That's probably why she doesn't feel she needs to stay completely out of the way. Old relationships often settle into harmless friendships, though. He gave you the keys. It is the most he could do without telling her no she can't stay there. Give them some time alone, yes, but I think you should tell him you want to be a visible couple while she's here.

All of that happened. I used the keys all the time, I gave them less than 2 hours without me the whole near week long time she was here. I told him I expect to be introduced as his girlfriend and he should show it besides. He was great with that. I was very nice to her, she oddly enough wanted to know who some of the women around were, there was one who is just a friend who stopped by and another (also just a friend) who called. I ended up explaining to her who these females were and reassuring her! She did not appreciate me overall though I was probably just as nice to her as he was. He was good but I go back to I shouldn't have had to have been in the situation in the first place. I shouldn't be "surviving", I should be enjoying my relationship and being secure in it. And with the latest communications from the ex who we have bad history with, I'm just tired of the whole thing. Being here is helping me work through it. Who knows, maybe we can get past all this. I plan to say "no" in the future and walk away for good if he doesn't respect it.

[Cunning_Linguist]

First off, you guys are exclusive right? It's not just assumed?

 

I don't think it matters whether you think it's ok if she comes and stays or not. What matters is that he thinks it's ok. Personally if my partner did this I wouldn't really care because if I'm exclusive with someone I trust them 100%, but I would NEVER put my partner in this sort of situation. It's downright disrespectful to your feelings. He is putting her feelings above yours. If you two are in this together (which it honestly sounds like there is an imbalance in this department) then when he makes decisions like this he should be consulting his other half. He can be independent on other things but with something like this, he should be considering you first.

 

You need to express your feelings on the subject. If you don't he is going to assume your silence as consent and do what he wants. This woman is trying to steal your man, no doubt about it. He is probably not socially aware enough to really see this and is just going along like a lil naïve puppy.

 

Men need you to express things in a clear manner. Using subtle hints will most likely not work. You need to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Explain clearly what you want and manage expectations. If there isn't communication like this then assumptions are made and people get hurt.

[preraph]

If she was prying into who the other women were, that does raise a flag with her but not with him. Either she thought maybe you didn't know about them and wanted you to out of spite or she's still trying to find out if she's cleared for landing or there's other obstacles. Still, he did give you free reign. Maybe when things calm down you can ask him nicely what exactly their friendship is about.

[blue40]

First off, you guys are exclusive right? It's not just assumed?

 

I don't think it matters whether you think it's ok if she comes and stays or not. What matters is that he thinks it's ok. Personally if my partner did this I wouldn't really care because if I'm exclusive with someone I trust them 100%, but I would NEVER put my partner in this sort of situation. It's downright disrespectful to your feelings. He is putting her feelings above yours. If you two are in this together (which it honestly sounds like there is an imbalance in this department) then when he makes decisions like this he should be consulting his other half. He can be independent on other things but with something like this, he should be considering you first.

 

You need to express your feelings on the subject. If you don't he is going to assume your silence as consent and do what he wants. This woman is trying to steal your man, no doubt about it. He is probably not socially aware enough to really see this and is just going along like a lil naïve puppy.

 

Men need you to express things in a clear manner. Using subtle hints will most likely not work. You need to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Explain clearly what you want and manage expectations. If there isn't communication like this then assumptions are made and people get hurt.

Absolutely we are exclusive.

 

I communicate very clearly, this has been clearly stated by him and by me so there is no assumption. He is my boyfriend and I am loyal to him.

 

He is clear on my boundaries too. I plan to stick to them. I just want more certainty in my relationship.