Please help me understand where I went wrong... (long)

[CurvyGurl]

I am going to try to be as brief as possible, but give detail so that you know the flow and what happened. My history is that I have never had a boyfriend... things usually fall apart around date 3. I have never been with anyone longer than 3 weeks.

 

So, I met M a few weeks ago, he responded to an ad I placed online. This was a very straightfoward ad, said I was lookng for someone who was ready to date, be a grown up in a relationship, etc etc. He emailed me, we talked via email for about a week or so... he's incredibly deep and passionate about causes. I was interested in someone who could talk about something besides football and cars.

 

We met for coffee one Saturday and talked for 4 hours. Met the next day and talked for 4 hours. Emailed all week, made dinner plans for the following Friday but they got moved, so we ended up getting together Saturday. Watched some movies, had dinner, popcorn... around 10:00 we start getting close and by 11:00 there is kissing and touching... long story short, no sex but he ended up staying the night.

 

I have NEVER had anyone share my bed before. Have never woken up naked next to a man, have never had a full body massage (twice), have never experienced anything that happened. THis is all new to me... this he knew and knew well.

 

I dropped him off at the train station Sunday afternoon. We emailed on Monday, both said we had a great time. Tuesday he was out of the office. Today he comes back to work and throws out 'I'm not in the market for a relationship right now. I feel like I have some growing and exploring to do with myself and I'm going through an introspective self evaluation right now."

 

Needless to say I find the above to be complete f'ing bullsht. He suffers from frustration that there are a lot of women who only care what you have and will base your worth on that... won't give you the time of day unless you drive a $50,000 car and wear Egyptian Silk and pay for them to get their hair done... yeah those kind of women, of which I have never been nor will I ever be. He's having some deep personal issues about that, and is admittedly depressed...so he has shut me out.

 

So I told him, 'hey, you wrote me, remember? How could we do all this talking before and suddenly after we pass the friendship marker we can't talk anymore? What's with that?" Then I told him, I was here, if he wanted to talk, I understood what he was saying. Conversely if he wanted me to go away, just say the word. He said he was fine and that he was doing some 'self evaluating' and he would talk to me tomorrow.

 

Is he a lost cause? Is he full of sht? I hate hate hate investing time into something and walking away, so of course I am looking for a reason to keep one eye open. WTF happened? I thought we were headed in a good direction?

[quankanne]

good to see you back, CG, though I wish it was for a less troubling reason

 

okay, my take on it? he doesn't actually find anything "wrong" with you, but he's leaving before he thinks he'll get hurt. Or he's afraid of you because you're still an innocent in his eyes, and he doesn't want to hurt you. And because you're neither shark-like or unattainable – you fall in that kind, lovely, REAL category – he's afraid of what may happen or even unwilling to stick long enough to find out. Hence the "I need to discover myself, it's not you" speech.

 

ironically enough, if you were a man-eater or even one of those unattainable women, he'd prolly be all over you trying to prove himself.

 

which really, really sucks ...

[CurvyGurl]

Originally posted by quankanne

 

 

ironically enough, if you were a man-eater or even one of those unattainable women, he'd prolly be all over you trying to prove himself.

 

which really, really sucks ...

 

 

You hit the proverbial nail right on the head... I think that is what pisses me off the most. He's so anti-Atlanta women because they're maneaters.... he finally meets one and he doesn't want her either??? He'll probably go chasing after someone who'll eat him alive. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

Waste of breath talking.

[herbalyyys]

hey...honest, I'm not single-ing you out...just doing a browse thru the threads! I would not worry about what is going on in his head.Maybe he had a wake-up call and realized he was too much of a dic*/sh*t head to try and lead you on.Who knows...chalk it up to experience.

 

you're just starting to find yourself,right?

 

If you want to know more about how peoples mind work,there is a TON of online,free personality tests...http://www.kyko.com, and the Meyers-Briggs test(Ithink thats it) but its not so much to figure out other people, but they areSOOO good on helping you see your own weaknesses and strengths.Once you know your weak areas, you can concentrate on making them strong points.

 

Some people are intuitive,some methodical...try a few...all it takes is time and it will help you find the answers that are already inside you. Just google "personality tests" and do the free ones.Have fun! By the way, my psyche profile is "ENFP"-dead on right(type that into google and you will understand).

[Mr Spock]

You will prevail curvy girl. I do have faith in you. Take it from a maneater, it makes not a whit of difference if they're not into you. He seems better than most, men are terrified of telling you they're not into you. Sometimes they date you for YEARS before you figure it out. He gave you a gentle letdown-it's not because you aren't cool or pretty or good enough. It's just that way sometimes.

 

You WILL find someone worthy.

[KaiaMahina]

Curvy Girl, hate to say this, but you got off easy.

 

Having been down your road more times than I care to recount, I thoroughly understand your frustration, your bewilderment and your justifiable anger. But count your lucky stars you got this pathetic, self-absorbed goofball out of your life before he could do real structural damage and compromise the integrity of your emotional foundation.

 

I got this kind of limp d**k abandonment skit from my fiance last June, less than 10 days after HE insisted we go look at engagement rings. He literally wasted nearly 18 months of my life, all told, and for what? Because he suddenly and inexplicably decided that he couldn't cope with a committed relationship that he initiated and pursued whole-heartedly and without any pressure from yours truly.

 

Understand one thing about this type of human being: their self-absorption knows no limits. Their relationship with you is based on them and their abandonment of you is based on them. You have little, or nothing, to do with it. You could be anyone.

 

And yes, if you were an evil, clawing, manipulative she-devil, he would probably be killing himself just to be within arm's reach of you. My fiance was married to someone like that for 19 years. Couldn't even make it to the altar with a "wonderful woman" he had "dreamed of being with" his whole life.

 

Yeah. Right.

 

I hate to say this, but while I'm sorry you've had to experience this, I'm at least relieved to know that it's not only happening to me. I can only say: beware! there are plenty more like him out there. And an intelligent and emotionally stable woman like you doesn't need to have her precious time wasted.

[Mz. Pixie]

He could be scared, truly.

 

You will have to trust what your gut tells you to do.

 

What's up with hating Atlanta girls?? I am a former GA girl- let me tell you- we rule!

 

You are the prize honey, keep remembering that.

 

My b/f has been through every bad relationship you can imagine- including a wife that cheated on him for 1 1/2 years before he found out and got PG with the other guys kid before their divorce is final. He has been in a relationship too with people who just wanted things from him.

 

At times he pulled back from me because he said he was scared because he was already falling for me. Turns out he meant it because he never stopped contacting me or talking to me.

 

Give him some space. If he comes back cool. If not then he doesn't deserve you. I know this sounds like a bunch of crap logic but it's so true. One day you will find someone who thinks your innocence is refreshing and special!

[blind_otter]

Or you could become an evil, clawing, manipulative she-devil.

 

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Says an evil, clawing, manipulative she-devil.

[CurvyGurl]

I dunno. I am trying not to waste time analyzing him. I won't understand him. It will just drive me crazy.

[CurvyGurl]

I've missed an update since I first posted this... he came around and we tried again to move forward and then he had another episode in which he became distant and melancholy. I tried reaching out, assuming that since we'd been intimate that he'd actually allow me in, but no such luck, so I stepped back.

 

I sent him a last email a few days ago, saying he'd changed so much since I'd met him that I'm not sure which is the real M. It's clear he's going through something that he finds difficult to articulate, so instead of talking he ignores me, cuts me off, shuts me out, is short and snippy and depressed. I had asked if he had made any plans for the weekend to see if he wanted to do something. He says 'I'm gonna be spending the weekend studying.' And that was the end of the conversation. He's not in school. ???????????????

 

 

Not what I signed up for.

 

So he calls this morning. To say he's sorry for being so distant. He's unhappy here and things are not happening for him as he'd like them to... adn that's depressing him. And when he's going through stuff, he just withdraws and doesn't let anyone in. He said 'I don't want to put you through this, I can't keep doign this, pushing you away. You're wonderful you're beautiful and I know you care about me, I just wanted to apologize to you.'

 

I told him I didn't really know what to say.

 

And I don't.

[Mr Spock]

You say

 

"I'm sorry, but I've given you two chances. I KNOW I'm beautiful, and wonderful. It's too bad you're going to miss out on that"

 

and hang up the phone.

 

 

Cause like you NEED more sh*t in your life than you already deal with.

[CurvyGurl]

I've been alone my WHOLE life and I am tired of it. TO be honest, when the times are good Id much rather be with him than be alone. And when the times are bad, I'd just like to know it's not a permanent condition that he'll come back around.

 

On top of that we've just known each other a month. It's a rocky start and I am insecure, so I am no gem either.

 

UGGGGHHH. Perhaps i'll just bury my head in the sand.

[Mr Spock]

I know curvy, but you've only REALLY just started trying. You don't even have a relationship with this guy really.

 

I DO know how you feel, although we're very different.

[KaiaMahina]

you consider the alternative of being with someone who is only there when he's able to emotionally deal with it, which is basically a selfish person with too many problems.

 

Please, Curvy Girl, I know what alone is all about, too. And we're none of us without our peculiarities and issues. But some people have absolutely no interest in dealing with their issues and will happily dump them on your pile for you to carry as well. After a time of struggling and laboring beneath these burdens, being alone suddenly becomes preferable.

 

I'm sick and tired of being alone as well, but I fear being in "virtual relationships" with moody, uncommunicative men who make you happy for a few minutes and then plunge me into despair for days or weeks. Cut your losses and look for other options. Don't let him become your only (potholed and dead end) road to (brief and transitory)happiness.