which is the worse confession?

[Snowflower]

Thanks, Snowflower. I feel a little bit like that's winning the "favorite serial killer" contest, but, hey, I'll take what I can get.

 

And yeah. I hear you. Thanks...

 

No, I didn't mean it that way at all! You are displaying introspection, contrition, and I get the sense that you are really trying to figure yourself out. So many people (and I'm not just talking about WS) never seem to get to the point of doing that.

 

Anyway, I hope you tell your H soon. It's the right thing to do but you know that already! And when the fallout happens when you tell him, we will be here for you to help you through.

[Furious]

I definitely would rather avoid conflict, particularly in a situation like this where I'm clearly the one entirely at fault. As for being controlling, directly or not, I wouldn't really describe myself as such. If anything, I dislike being in a position of authority or control over others.

 

Just saw your response...

 

The fact that you've had an affair and are still in contact and emotionally involved with the affair partner, while your husband is still in dark as to his reality, is a definite sign you're in a position of passive aggressive control over another.

 

Lying and deceit is a position of authority and control...I'm surprised you don't see that in yourself.

 

You said in another thread was that you have a "good" marriage but wonder if "good" is good enough. Is this why you've experimented with a secret affair, to see if the grass s greener on the other side.

 

You'll never know if good was good enough if you stay on the fence, straddling two relationships. For sure it's frightening to get off that fence but you don't have to choose your husband or the OM....you can chose neither and but maybe that's too scary.

[Waverly]

Just saw your response...

 

The fact that you've had an affair and are still in contact and emotionally involved with the affair partner, while your husband is still in dark as to his reality, is a definite sign you're in a position of passive aggressive control over another.

 

Lying and deceit is a position of authority and control...I'm surprised you don't see that in yourself.

 

You said in another thread was that you have a "good" marriage but wonder if "good" is good enough. Is this why you've experimented with a secret affair, to see if the grass s greener on the other side.

 

You'll never know if good was good enough if you stay on the fence, straddling two relationships. For sure it's frightening to get off that fence but you don't have to choose your husband or the OM....you can chose neither and but maybe that's too scary.

 

I know it's a distinction that doesn't really hold much sway here, but I'm not really in contact with the OM anymore. Yes, he sent me a weird email last weekend, but I'm basically counting on not hearing from him again. At this point, I'm not sure I would reply, even if he did reach out.

 

I see your point about lying/deceit being a form of control. I think that's fair, but would add that it's part of what makes me so uncomfortable with what I did. I genuinely dislike feeling like I'm controlling someone; even though my actions were arguably quite controlling (and definitely deceitful), it's also something that I want to give back to my husband.

 

Yes, the "good enough" question is a huge part of why I did this. I always had feelings for this person, my marriage was in a rough spot, I wasn't feeling good about it, and I started to wonder what I missed out on years ago with the OM. I'm not defending any of that, but yes, that's what was going on in my head.

 

I can't choose my OM, and I have no idea if my husband would give me the opportunity to choose him. Yes, it's scary. The thought of choosing neither is terrifying.

[Furious]

I know it's a distinction that doesn't really hold much sway here, but I'm not really in contact with the OM anymore. Yes, he sent me a weird email last weekend, but I'm basically counting on not hearing from him again. At this point, I'm not sure I would reply, even if he did reach out.

 

I see your point about lying/deceit being a form of control. I think that's fair, but would add that it's part of what makes me so uncomfortable with what I did. I genuinely dislike feeling like I'm controlling someone; even though my actions were arguably quite controlling (and definitely deceitful), it's also something that I want to give back to my husband.

 

Yes, the "good enough" question is a huge part of why I did this. I always had feelings for this person, my marriage was in a rough spot, I wasn't feeling good about it, and I started to wonder what I missed out on years ago with the OM. I'm not defending any of that, but yes, that's what was going on in my head.

 

I can't choose my OM, and I have no idea if my husband would give me the opportunity to choose him. Yes, it's scary. The thought of choosing neither is terrifying.

 

 

You're passively giving your power to both these men. Your value is measured by you.

 

Choosing neither means being alone...but maybe that's something to consider.

[Waverly]

You're passively giving your power to both these men. Your value is measured by you.

 

Choosing neither means being alone...but maybe that's something to consider.

 

I have considered it. And I don't know; maybe it's the answer. I don't always feel like I love my husband the way I should. If we didn't have kids, I'd probably consider it more seriously.

[BetrayedH]

At this point, I'm not sure I would reply, even if he did reach out.

 

What's the matter with saying, "I would not reply?"

 

You have to start somewhere, Waverly. You have acknowledged that it's a dead-end relationship. I think you also get that your H will require NC if you want a chance at reconciling. This is the only logical first step and while I get that a confession is scary, going NC shouldn't be. You really need to get yourself out of this analysis paralysis. Every contact with this man is a step in the wrong direction.

[Waverly]

What's the matter with saying, "I would not reply?"

 

You have to start somewhere, Waverly. You have acknowledged that it's a dead-end relationship. I think you also get that your H will require NC if you want a chance at reconciling. This is the only logical first step and while I get that a confession is scary, going NC shouldn't be. You really need to get yourself out of this analysis paralysis. Every contact with this man is a step in the wrong direction.

 

Throw me a bone here, BetrayedH. A few weeks ago, I would never have even contemplated saying I might not reply...

[Furious]

I have considered it. And I don't know; maybe it's the answer. I don't always feel like I love my husband the way I should. If we didn't have kids, I'd probably consider it more seriously.

 

 

Do you see you're rationalizing.

 

I really don't want to come down hard on you but just re-read what you've written. How is the issue of not divircing someone because of the "kids" but at the same time risk cheating and making a divorce all that much worse if it came to light.

 

Smh....

[Waverly]

Do you see you're rationalizing.

 

I really don't want to come down hard on you but just re-read what you've written. How is the issue of not divircing someone because of the "kids" but at the same time risk cheating and making a divorce all that much worse if it came to light.

 

Smh....

 

Of course I am... I can't go back and undo my cheating. It's done. And as much as I'd like to be completely noble now, I still have the self-preservation instincts, and am still scared out of my mind (of a lot of things). I'm not defending it, but am certainly copping to my less-than-ideal reactions here...

[Owl6118]

I know it's a distinction that doesn't really hold much sway here, but I'm not really in contact with the OM anymore. Yes, he sent me a weird email last weekend, but I'm basically counting on not hearing from him again. At this point, I'm not sure I would reply, even if he did reach out.

 

Many people liken affairs to physical addictions. I have reservations about how far that analogy can be pushed. But for this issue, it is spot on. Let me explain, from the persepective of an alcoholic who celebrated his 20th anniversary of sobriety yesterday.

 

Every recovering alcoholic knows the difference between being DRY, and being SOBER or CLEAN.

 

When you are not drinking that day or that week, but constantly telling yourself "I can control this, a little time off and I can drink again and keep it under control," you are not sober. You're just a dry drunk. You are already negotiating to fall off the wagon.

 

To be sober is to acknowledge that you are sick, that your dependency is destroying your life and wrecking havoc on those you love and will continue to do so without end, and to have a change in your deepest heart--a resolution that you are ready to end this pain, and that you will therefore NEVER drink again. Ever. Not once. Yes, you get there one day at a time, but it all starts with the committment.

 

Don't kid yourself that you are in No Contact, you're not. No matter how many days it's been, you're still white knuckling it. in AA terms, you're a dry drunk.

 

But you can begin your recovery, just as soon as you are ready to be. Then you will resolve to end that pain forever through real committment to NC.

 

I beleive you are very close to hitting your bottom. But you're not there yet.

Edited March 26, 2014 by Owl6118

[Furious]

Of course I am... I can't go back and undo my cheating. It's done. And as much as I'd like to be completely noble now, I still have the self-preservation instincts, and am still scared out of my mind (of a lot of things). I'm not defending it, but am certainly copping to my less-than-ideal reactions here...

 

I touched a nerve....sorry.

 

Yeah....self preservation and fear is a huge thing to deal with.

[Waverly]

Many people liken affairs to physical addictions. I have reservations about how far that analogy can be pushed. But for this issue, it is spot on. Let me explain, from the persepective of an alcoholic who celebrated his 20th anniversary of sobriety yesterday.

 

Every recovering alcoholic knows the difference between being DRY, and being SOBER or CLEAN.

 

When you are not drinking that day or that week, but constantly telling yourself "I can control this, a little time off and I can drink again and keep it under control," you are not sober. You're just a dry drunk. You are already negotiating to fall off the wagon.

 

To be sober is to acknowledge that you are sick, that your dependency is destroying your life and wrecking havoc on those you love and will continue to do so without end, and to have a change in your deepest heart--a resolution that you are ready to end this pain, and that you will therefore NEVER drink again. Ever. Not once. Yes, you get there one day at a time, but it all starts with the committment.

 

Don't kid yourself that you are in No Contact, you're not. No matter how many days it's been, you're still white knuckling it. in AA terms, you're a dry drunk.

 

But you can begin your recovery, just as soon as you are ready to be. Then you will resolve to end that pain forever through real committment to NC.

 

I beleive you are very close to hitting your bottom. But you're not there yet.

 

I'm not sure how much further I could really fall at this point.

 

But to your larger point: yes, I am absolutely white-knuckling my way through this right now. I've (we've) struggled with NC. A lot. And I'm closer now to saying I'll do it than I have been at any point in the past few months. I know that sounds completely ridiculous, but it's true. I know I need to do it, and Owl6118, your posts yesterday were a big part of getting me to even say that. So, yes, I am gritting my teeth and making my way through it one hour/day at a time right now. And I want to be strong enough to say that, if I ever hear from him again, I'll ignore it. I want that to be true, and I want to be able to do it. But this whole experience has taught me nothing if not that I'm weak and can't always be trusted to do the right thing. So I guess when I say things like that, I'm just acknowledging that I may fail. I'm guessing that's the wrong mindset...

[RightThere]

I beleive you are very close to hitting your bottom. But you're not there yet.

 

I loved all of your post except this.

 

Bottom is not even on the horizon yet. You'll know it after some time has passed once the OP has been completely honest about everything with their spouse.

[Waverly]

I touched a nerve....sorry.

 

Yeah....self preservation and fear is a huge thing to deal with.

 

No need to apologize. Your observations are totally fair.

[Owl6118]

I'm not sure how much further I could really fall at this point.

 

 

Not much. Just a little more. To the point when you truly beleive in your innermost heart that the pain and harm of staying where you are is worse than the pain of growing toward wholeness.

 

I want that to be true, and I want to be able to do it. But this whole experience has taught me nothing if not that I'm weak and can't always be trusted to do the right thing. So I guess when I say things like that, I'm just acknowledging that I may fail. I'm guessing that's the wrong mindset...

 

Yes, it is, I am sorry to say. You are close, very close but not there yet.

 

It's when you say "I will do this," --note, not want, will-- "because I cannot live one more day being what I have become, and doing what I am doing to those who love me and whom I love."

 

I'm not saying you won't slip. I'm saying your heart will not want you to slip anymore. It will want to be turned toward life and health.

[Owl6118]

I loved all of your post except this.

 

Bottom is not even on the horizon yet. You'll know it after some time has passed once the OP has been completely honest about everything with their spouse.

 

Sorry, I am deep in the effort to try to help turn Waverly toward NC. I was thinking only of that bottom.

 

Next comes willing to deal with stealing the integrity of her husband's life. No, you are right, we are not there yet nor very close.

[sidney2718]

Aliveagain: It's my xAP who is drinking, not my husband. As for your other questions... well, read the last 12 pages to see that I obviously don't have clear answers to them.

 

BH: You know I can't argue with anything in there.

 

Road: Oh, Road. I do appreciate your bluntness. As for OM being a player or stringing me along...I don't know if I agree. I don't know why he sent that. Sending me a two-line message affirming that he's staying married isn't exactly making me hold onto hope that we'll have some silly fairy-tale ending. If anything, it's pushing me away.

 

As for my counselor... I know she's looking out for my own interests. I don't know if I'm cynical enough to think it's just so I feel good and keep coming back week after week. But she knows that repairing my marriage is something that's obviously on my mind. So even though my husband isn't her priority, my own stability is. Does that make sense?

 

The OM was clearly trying to shut down your relationship with him in a relatively kind way. Saying that he would not be divorcing is the same as saying "no hope" to you.

[Waverly]

The OM was clearly trying to shut down your relationship with him in a relatively kind way. Saying that he would not be divorcing is the same as saying "no hope" to you.

 

Trust me, we've been beyond the point of "no hope" for months. That's precisely my point -- there's no stringing along happening here. It's done; we both know it.

[not-so-sure]

I'm not sure how much further I could really fall at this point.

 

But to your larger point: yes, I am absolutely white-knuckling my way through this right now. I've (we've) struggled with NC. A lot. And I'm closer now to saying I'll do it than I have been at any point in the past few months. I know that sounds completely ridiculous, but it's true. I know I need to do it, and Owl6118, your posts yesterday were a big part of getting me to even say that. So, yes, I am gritting my teeth and making my way through it one hour/day at a time right now. And I want to be strong enough to say that, if I ever hear from him again, I'll ignore it. I want that to be true, and I want to be able to do it. But this whole experience has taught me nothing if not that I'm weak and can't always be trusted to do the right thing. So I guess when I say things like that, I'm just acknowledging that I may fail. I'm guessing that's the wrong mindset...

 

The biggest act of love you can offer *yourself* is to follow through on all of the things you've been writing about. Despite your affair, what I read is a person who values integrity strongly. The consequences of restoring some of that integrity will have some far reaching implications and crucially you will lose a lot of control over the outcome. But, you will stop putting yourself through the wringer.

 

The biggest act of love you can offer your *husband* is to give him full awareness of his marriage, and submit to the outcome that ensues. For me, keeping that secret from my wife was a stain on our marriage. She spent a lot of time searching for solutions to a 'problem' she didn't know existed. And that was despite me telling her regularly the problem was not hers to fix.

 

Despite what I write, I'm still on the fence about disclosure. For me, I valued the shreds of integrity I had left over keeping the secret. It was painful to admit my failing and it has obviously had a huge impact on my marriage.

 

On the other hand, the xAP seems to have gotten by fine without it. We work in the same office block so I do get some occasional news about her. Then again, everyone lives behind some sort of facade. Just depends how big you want that facade to be. Eventually, I guess the lies become too much.

[Waverly]

Trust me, we've been beyond the point of "no hope" for months. That's precisely my point -- there's no stringing along happening here. It's done; we both know it.

 

(Which, I suppose, to the overall point here -- it shouldn't really matter to me what he was doing. I'll get there.)