which is the worse confession?

[Fluttershy]

Catch you on the breaking up forum!

 

Really, how old are your children? Do you really want to put them through this to be a do gooder (toooooo late!).

 

Make your husband the best partner he ever dreamed of from this point on if you want to honor him with your love.

Do you not understand you will be destroying not only his present, but his past and future.

 

I understand what others are saying about this, and I have mixed feelings I assure you. However, the part of me that would want you to tell me is the part of me that would want to kick you to the curb and walk!

 

Answer this...

 

What is your goal here?

a) to save your marriage?

b) to absolve you of guilt?

c) to alleviate some back asswards rebound anxiety?

d) to deepen you and your partners love?

 

What are you hoping will happen?

a) he will shed some tears but come running across some cornfield to gather you in his arms?

b) he will look you in the eye and tell you he forgives you, but you must forgive him for neglecting your needs?

c) you really have no idea what will happen?

 

I'll tell you what's going to happen, you're going to shake up your family to the core for what ... to show them you love them?

 

Where was that concern when your heart was beating for another and your children's welfare were just not in the picture (10 years??? don't delude yourself about this).

 

Want to be a good wife and mother? Really?

What in heavens name does dropping this mega ton bomb on innocents have to do with the innocents? Do you run to a police station and confess that you ran a red light? No, you say to yourself, "shoot, that was wrong, I'll have to pay more attention".

 

Sorry hon, I won't post to your thread(s) again. I'm an old guy, I've lots of experience, I just cannot see any good in this ... confession.

 

Z

 

Very few people would want to live their life unknown to them with someone who cheated. Those that do would rather have an easy false reality than a whole and honest partner. They are the proverbal ostrich in the sand type people. Thy are out there for sure.

 

OP shouldn't give up her chance at being a whole person of integrity on the hal chance her H is an ostrich.

[Timmos]

There is one thing you can do that will help greatly in establishing/maintaining no contact, as well as ending your affair fog:

 

Confess. Now, not later. Tell him the truth, beg for forgiveness. The unbearable pain you see in his eyes, the weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth - is very helpful in snapping back into reality.

 

And IF he decides to reconcile, you'll have plenty of help in the NC department.

[gettingstronger]

I am also in the now camp. I know you have taken a beating on here about being selfish and talking about your needs, but those that have followed your story would see that as a step in the right direction. In a few short weeks you have gone from being totally focused on the MM and his needs to really looking at what you need to do for your marriage. I think that's progress. I agree with the others that we are all entitled to the truth about our lives, I do acknowledge this truth will be painful and I know some will say it's not worth it, but I so disagree. I think living a lie and by extension having your husband living a lie is worse.

 

I know you understand the gravity of you past actions, no need to rehash that. But as most people have read my posts know I am a big fan of redemption and personal growth and responsibility. I can not always live up to my own expectations in that department but I do try. I hope the same for you. As always, be gentle on you and those around you as you work towards truth. Good luck.

[Zimber]

Very few people would want to live their life unknown to them with someone who cheated.

You don't know that, how could you? We just give our opinions here not statements that allude fact.

 

Those that do would rather have an easy false reality than a whole and honest partner.

Whole and honest? How? She is not honest by her own admission? So ... what's your point?

 

They are the proverbal ostrich in the sand type people. Thy are out there for sure.

You twist my warning into your own ideal. I understand why truth would seem the only solution. We all want to believe that betrayal is not possible with truth. Gives us the illusion of control and predictability. Nice fantasy. The fact is, is that nobody is above an affair. I do not judge the OP for what she did or why she did it. I've done some things I'm not proud of but celebrate them because they made me who I am today.

 

The OP's epiphany to value her family is the real beauty of this thread! I just don't see what value there is in shaking up her family's reality now?

I hope she might consider the opposite view of the majority and make the correct choice based on her (and hers alone) familiarity of her husband and how he might react.

 

OP shouldn't give up her chance at being a whole person of integrity on the hal chance her H is an ostrich.

Again, your ideal. Don't get me wrong, I get it. I'm tempted by it too. I would love to try to get a commitment that a woman will dump me before she cheated, but ... is that fair, realistic? Truth be told, I still struggle with it.

 

OP, sorry, I wasn't going to reply again :s

 

If you tell, if you don't, what is best is that you succeed in your marriage.

I truly hope you do!

 

Z

[twosadthings]

I too have read your previous threads and am struck by how your story line is a horrible twist on the "Romeo and Juliette" plot. In your instance you and your lover are the to be hated characters and your families are the innocents who get to eat those sandwiches you mentioned because they happen to be in the way of your true happiness.

 

Your tale of woe and complaint of being between a rock and hard place is of your own creation and is being prolonged unnecessarily by you. If you can't offer your husband a real reconciliation then do as I suggested in my first post. Set him free . He will be able to get over what you did by getting over you but to delay the start of his healing is just another example of your selfishness and continued cruelty to those you should be loving.

 

Grow up,

 

Twosadthings

[Almond_Joy]

So, now or later. It seems like most people say now. I don't know if I'm just clinging to this as a delay tactic, but I do think that BH's six-month window makes sense too. I just keep thinking that if I just keep pushing through, if we both stick to NC, if I just get further out from this whole mess, (and believe it or not, I'm actually far less of a mess than I was a few months or even weeks ago), I'll be in a better place to give the kind of confession I want to be able to give. The honest-to-god "I choose you with my whole heart" one, not the "I choose you sort of by choice and sort of by default but I'm still a mess about it" one that I'd end up giving now.

 

 

From the betrayed partner side, I'd rather get a messy confession now than a neat confession later. The longer you wait the more the confession will hurt him. The motives for waiting seem more self serving than anything else unless there are kids involved. You are not doing him any favors by waiting to tell him.

 

Let him decide if he wants to stay during your fog. That should be his choice to make, not yours.

 

I also think that your torment over keeping the truth hidden is a good sign of a sense of integrity and respect. Glad you ended the affair and want to come clean.

[BetrayedH]

Just to be clear, the 6-month suggestion was a last resort option based on your previous statements that you two only ended the affair because neither of you could leave your kids. I am of the belief that that is foggy, wayward thinking. I also find it really interesting that even you acknowledge that such statements make the affair seem more 'meaningful.' To be honest, that's excellent insight and your foggy, wayward thinking is already clearing better than your previous threads (yay!). And I really get that. Nobody likes admitting a mistake, let alone having done it for something stupid. You at least want to feel like you made auch a big mistake for something meaningful, for someone that cared. But that's part of the illusion. If you look at him as simply a cheater and liar that never really cared for you, well then you feel even more stupid about your decisions. But the reality IS that he's a liar and a cheater and didn't care enough about you to leave or care enough about his wife to confess. This is not the makings of a fairytale. Frankly, it's not a stretch to think that he'll try his hand at infidelity again but this time, with someone local. He suffered no consequences, got rid of you fairly easily, and you've now opened up a vacancy. This is how serial cheaters are born. They get away with it and use that experience to get away with it better next time. I'm not trying to be rude about him; this is just how it happens.

 

My motivation is to see your marriage succeed. The more you see that 'relationship' for what it was, the more remorseful you're likely to be, and the more likely that you'll be prepared to do what's necessary to reconcile. I figured that if reading a book and taking a few months got you to a point where you saw this affair in a more realistic light, then so be it.

 

But trust me, the idea of lying to your husband for so much as one more day is very disconcerting to me. Your H doesn't deserve to have another six months stolen from him and every day you continue to lie is both bad for you and something he can be more resentful about when the truth comes out. It's really a last resort. I just thought it was one to consider because of those damaging statements you'd previously made and because I think there are worse crimes than taking a six month period to stop your affair, go NC, read books and go to IC to be introspective, and eventually give a full and voluntary confession. I think it's a tough call but I do really respect those that say not to delay.

[drifter777]

If I was your husband I wouldn't want to know. Unburdening yourself now is selfish - he really doesn't need to have to live with this the rest of his life. Be a good faithful wife from here on and spare him any further betrayal and call it mercy for a good man.

[underwater2010]

My 2 cents...make the confession without the "I still have feelings". That is your cross to bare. Please DO NOT lay that on him.

 

You have a choice to either stay and invest all your ALL your energy into your marriage....or leave. Time to quit thinking in La La Land and move into the real world. Life will throw many things your way and if he is willing to stay with you, then you owe him at least a whole hearted attempt at true reconciliation. If not then leave.

[veritas lux mea]

I confessed to my husband. Told him everything. Sometimes a little delayed. He is my best friend and I couldn't have my lie between us for the rest of our life. I thought about just leaving him but that would have been cruel to him with him never knowing the why.

 

So I came clean. It wasn't easy and I didn't have all my feelings sorted. Still don't at times. But I never fell in love with mOM and always wanted my BH. That made my descision to tell easier. If he had cheated I would want to know. So I wanted to show him the respect he deserves and then work my butt off proving to him I could be a good wife again if he gave me a second chance. He did and I am thankful everyday!

[Waverly]

From the betrayed partner side, I'd rather get a messy confession now than a neat confession later. The longer you wait the more the confession will hurt him. The motives for waiting seem more self serving than anything else unless there are kids involved. You are not doing him any favors by waiting to tell him.

 

My motives for waiting are mixed. Partially, I want to put it off because I'm scared. But partially I genuinely do want to be able to go to him with a clear answer in my heart about what I want and answers about why I did it. But I hear you (and everyone) that waiting isn't really doing him any favors.

 

I do have two young kids (both under four). How would that play in to waiting or not?

[Clay]

I'm actually surprised you have not told him yet after your last thread on the other man/ woman section.

 

You can wait but the longer you do the more he will hate you. Sure it makes you feel less pain now but honestly this is really going to affect your kids in a way you can not even imagine.

 

I hope for your H's sake and your kids sake he gets custody of them. They will need a strong person in there life. They will need to know the difference between right and wrong.

 

You clearly don't have a clue of any of those things at this point in your life so It would be best you take a back seat to help raising them until you get your head on straight.

 

Sorry to be harsh but I think you really need to take care of you and fix what is wrong with your before you try to be a role model for them.

 

Clay

[Waverly]

Just to be clear, the 6-month suggestion was a last resort option based on your previous statements that you two only ended the affair because neither of you could leave your kids. I am of the belief that that is foggy, wayward thinking. I also find it really interesting that even you acknowledge that such statements make the affair seem more 'meaningful.' To be honest, that's excellent insight and your foggy, wayward thinking is already clearing better than your previous threads (yay!). And I really get that. Nobody likes admitting a mistake, let alone having done it for something stupid. You at least want to feel like you made auch a big mistake for something meaningful, for someone that cared. But that's part of the illusion. If you look at him as simply a cheater and liar that never really cared for you, well then you feel even more stupid about your decisions. But the reality IS that he's a liar and a cheater and didn't care enough about you to leave or care enough about his wife to confess. This is not the makings of a fairytale. Frankly, it's not a stretch to think that he'll try his hand at infidelity again but this time, with someone local. He suffered no consequences, got rid of you fairly easily, and you've now opened up a vacancy. This is how serial cheaters are born. They get away with it and use that experience to get away with it better next time. I'm not trying to be rude about him; this is just how it happens.

 

My motivation is to see your marriage succeed. The more you see that 'relationship' for what it was, the more remorseful you're likely to be, and the more likely that you'll be prepared to do what's necessary to reconcile. I figured that if reading a book and taking a few months got you to a point where you saw this affair in a more realistic light, then so be it.

 

But trust me, the idea of lying to your husband for so much as one more day is very disconcerting to me. Your H doesn't deserve to have another six months stolen from him and every day you continue to lie is both bad for you and something he can be more resentful about when the truth comes out. It's really a last resort. I just thought it was one to consider because of those damaging statements you'd previously made and because I think there are worse crimes than taking a six month period to stop your affair, go NC, read books and go to IC to be introspective, and eventually give a full and voluntary confession. I think it's a tough call but I do really respect those that say not to delay.

 

I am opening myself up here to be throttled, but it's all in the old threads anyway, if someone is looking for a reason to condemn me. Yes, BetrayedH, you're right. Foggy thinking or not, it ended because of logistics. Neither of us were interested in being in an A just for being in A; it was actually starting to break both of us. When it became clear that we couldn't be together legitimately, the A ended. We both came really close to making some massive life changes to be together, but in the end, we would have had to drag innocent spouses and kids into it -- basically duping them into moving across the country (go ahead and collectively crucify me) -- and neither of us were capable of that. So sure, he was a liar and a cheater. So was I. And no, it's not and never was a fairytale in the making. Even in the midst of it, we had conversations basically amounting to "we would never be as happy as we think we would be", because we knew how many people would have to be hurt along the way. But it's also not so simple as to say that we're both destined to become serial cheaters and that I'm kidding myself to think that there was any reality to it. As for him not suffering any consequences... well, let's just say that his life is pretty disastrous at the moment, d-day or not. It's not my decision as to whether he tells his wife or not (I've actually told him that I think she deserves to know), but I get why he doesn't want to.

 

But just because I prefer not to think of it as some story of my being used up and spit out by someone who didn't care about me, that doesn't mean that I can't also feel remorse and regret for getting involved in the first place. The past was the past, and it should have stayed there. We should have both independently decided that an affair was wrong and - logistics or not - stayed committed to our marriages. We didn't, and I genuinely feel remorse for that.

 

I've spent a lot of time reading everyone's responses and considering what to do. I do have my therapist telling me that confessing isn't really the answer, and I obviously am tempted by that idea, as well as by those here who say it isn't the answer. But ultimately, I know how I would feel if the positions were reversed. I would unequivocally want to know. He deserves to know, and you're all right -- the least I owe him is the agency to determine his own path, and whether he wants to be with me or not based on clear knowledge of the facts.

[Waverly]

I'm actually surprised you have not told him yet after your last thread on the other man/ woman section.

 

You can wait but the longer you do the more he will hate you. Sure it makes you feel less pain now but honestly this is really going to affect your kids in a way you can not even imagine.

 

I hope for your H's sake and your kids sake he gets custody of them. They will need a strong person in there life. They will need to know the difference between right and wrong.

 

You clearly don't have a clue of any of those things at this point in your life so It would be best you take a back seat to help raising them until you get your head on straight.

 

Sorry to be harsh but I think you really need to take care of you and fix what is wrong with your before you try to be a role model for them.

 

Clay

 

Obviously I'm in the wrong here by having had an affair. I 100% own that. And I know to some people, saying that I can have had an affair and still be a good person is like saying that Hitler loved his dog. But let's keep in mind that you don't know anything about me as a mother, or about me as a person, really, beyond what I've shared about one specific situation in my life. You also don't know what kind of parent my husband is.

 

I appreciate your taking the time to reply, but telling me that I'm an unfit mother just isn't helpful or really relevant to the question that I posed.

[Clay]

Obviously I'm in the wrong here by having had an affair. I 100% own that. And I know to some people, saying that I can have had an affair and still be a good person is like saying that Hitler loved his dog. But let's keep in mind that you don't know anything about me as a mother, or about me as a person, really, beyond what I've shared about one specific situation in my life. You also don't know what kind of parent my husband is.

 

I appreciate your taking the time to reply, but telling me that I'm an unfit mother just isn't helpful or really relevant to the question that I posed.

 

I am really not trying to direct this as your unfit. I am trying to relay this to the point that you made a series of decisions that will negatively affect there lives. The level of damage you can and have caused might not be realized to you at this point in time.. Its hard for you to see it right now but in time you will see it. When you do see this it will be to late to do anything about it.

 

You are right I know nothing else about you. I just know what you have stated in your post. I hope you can tell your husband in a way that does not affect your children much but I just don't see that as likely. I am biased in my opinion. I am the BS. Its been Seven years since my divorce and I think I can say with a calm voice you really don't realize the damage you just did to your kids.

 

You cant go back and change what you did but you can take time for you and get help. You can fix yourself so you can make healthy choices in your life. You can be a better person and a great role model for your kids. Its your choice in the end but I can tell you most people fail because they have the same attitude you do right now.

 

Clay

[twosadthings]

Waverly,

 

After two high hard ones I hope this somewhat change of pace doesn't come across as confusing. It could give me no greater pleasure than to offer you support and encouragement. In the past I have opined to betrayed spouses that a one hundred percent remorseful and all in spouse with full time with children is far better than no spouse and half time with your kids. With that said I have also said that the most hurtful thing in my imagination would be to have a false or one foot out the door reconcilliation.

 

If you tell him that you want to be married to him but you can't deny the feeling you have for another you will never be able to reconcile. Think about the times you will catch him looking at you and wondering what you are thing. The sadder part will be that when that happens you will absolutely know what he is thinking. Could you deal with that?

 

You have, when he is told or finds out about your faithlessness, forever changed his ability to give you unequivicable and loving trust. You may try to do what you can to restore that trust but the truth is that his trust in you came from within him. You can only destroy, change or deminish it.

 

Perhaps this post is not the softball I thought it was going to be. I still think that if you need to have feelings for your lover so that you can look at yourself in the mirror when you brush your teeth you are worthless as a wife to your husband.

 

Good luck to you and your family,

 

Twosadthings

[Buckeye2]

I do have two young kids (both under four).

 

I haven’t read your other threads or even every post in this thread. That being said, your husband might want to DNA test your kids. Are you ready for that?

[thummper]

Waverly, I certainly do not think that you're an unfit mother. However, I sincerely believe that you probably should seriously consider ending your marriage. Your reason for ending your A isn't very compelling as far as feelings for your husband vs the OM go. It feels very lukewarm at best. I feel that your husband deserves someone who wholeheartedly loves him and has no feelings for another man. In short, sorry to say, he deserves someone far better than the woman he has chosen to spend his life with, not knowing how she has betrayed him. Good luck on whatever you choose to do, but know that your future together with him doesn't really look very promising.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Waverly, you don't have to define the affair relationship other than toxic. It was unhealthy for both of you.

 

Your AP is back drinking after 5 years of being sober. Do you think the affair played a role in any way? Could his reverting to prior poor coping skills be a sign that he is not as healthy as you thought he was? Would you really want to be with a person who reverts to poor coping skills when life gets stressful? Would you want your children around that?

 

Is it enough to say.....we don't bring the best out in each other. That you simply did not like who either of you became, the lengths you were both prepared to go (trick his wife/family into moving close to you). At the end of the day, whether or not it was "real" doesn't matter.

[BetrayedH]

Just one possibility...

 

The kids MIGHT not end up knowing about your affair. I didn't tell mine after Dday, nor throughout our (failed) reconciliation, nor our divorce, nor the year and a half since the divorce. I don't want to get into a debate about whether or not it's right to tell them (it's a very personal decision and one that I researched extensively). If my kids suffered any trauma, it was really ultimately because their parents' marriage failed, primarily because we screwed up the reconciliation six ways from Sunday.

 

Your H might feel a need to expose to the universe; he might not want to tell anyone; or he might just confide in close friends and family for support. Exposure to your kids is a risk and a potential consequence. My point is that it shouldn't be a foregone conclusion.

 

On a separate note, do your best to quit feeling so beat up by posters. With LS, you have to take what works for you and leave the rest. Frankly, who cares how a bunch of random and anonymous internet posters feel about you? Make it an intellectual exercise. Even those that takes pot shots at you can serve as a potential foreshadowing of how your husband 'may' feel and a conversation you might need to have with him. Use this place as a learning tool. And if you're not learning from someone, disregard them and move on to someone's advice or viewpoint that IS making you think. Short of compromising your anonynimity, just put it all out there without fearing our judgment (at least as best you can). Get advice based on your full story, not just the least embarrasing version of it. Know what I mean?

 

As for ending your affair because of logistics, do you think that's the ONLY reason your affair ended? It might be one of them but I'm guessing that the love of your husband probably fits in there, too. You also seem to acknowledge that the fantasy version of your affair was unlikely to really unfold that way - I think you're smart enough to know that they rarely do. Given time, you would have discovered your OM had flaws (some of them significant ones), you would grow weary of his jokes, less enamoured with stories of his glory days, and the limerance would wear off - much like it probably did with your husband. Is that knowledge also a part of the reason you have chosen your husband? I think there might be an important distinction there between logistics being the only reason you stayed versus being one of many. I also find it significant that this man was an option years ago - you didn't choose him then and you haven't chosen him now. In both situations, you've ultimately chosen your husband.

[Waverly]

You cant go back and change what you did but you can take time for you and get help. You can fix yourself so you can make healthy choices in your life. You can be a better person and a great role model for your kids. Its your choice in the end but I can tell you most people fail because they have the same attitude you do right now.

 

Clay

 

I genuinely am trying. I'm in NC; I've been going to therapy; I'm trying to focus on my kids and my family. I posted here because I am trying to figure out how to right things in my marriage, if that's even possible. If I still have a failing attitude, then I honestly don't know what else to do.

[Waverly]

Waverly,

 

After two high hard ones I hope this somewhat change of pace doesn't come across as confusing. It could give me no greater pleasure than to offer you support and encouragement. In the past I have opined to betrayed spouses that a one hundred percent remorseful and all in spouse with full time with children is far better than no spouse and half time with your kids. With that said I have also said that the most hurtful thing in my imagination would be to have a false or one foot out the door reconcilliation.

 

If you tell him that you want to be married to him but you can't deny the feeling you have for another you will never be able to reconcile. Think about the times you will catch him looking at you and wondering what you are thing. The sadder part will be that when that happens you will absolutely know what he is thinking. Could you deal with that?

 

You have, when he is told or finds out about your faithlessness, forever changed his ability to give you unequivicable and loving trust. You may try to do what you can to restore that trust but the truth is that his trust in you came from within him. You can only destroy, change or deminish it.

 

Perhaps this post is not the softball I thought it was going to be. I still think that if you need to have feelings for your lover so that you can look at yourself in the mirror when you brush your teeth you are worthless as a wife to your husband.

 

Good luck to you and your family,

 

Twosadthings

 

Thanks. I hope it didn't come across that I can only handle softballs. I know the hard truths here, I just don't feel like some of the attacks I've been getting here are really useful in any way.

 

I know it's messed up. I guess what I really hope is that I could have had genuine feelings, and acknowledge that those feelings were real, but still be able to 100% put them behind me. That's my goal, and I guess my original question was whether I need that to be true at the time that I confess, or whether it's enough to be working towards that.

[Waverly]

I haven’t read your other threads or even every post in this thread. That being said, your husband might want to DNA test your kids. Are you ready for that?

 

I actually laughed at this. Yeah, sure, he might. It's been a running joke that we should actually DNA test them to make sure that I'm their real mother. They look that much like him.

[Waverly]

Waverly, you don't have to define the affair relationship other than toxic. It was unhealthy for both of you.

 

Your AP is back drinking after 5 years of being sober. Do you think the affair played a role in any way? Could his reverting to prior poor coping skills be a sign that he is not as healthy as you thought he was? Would you really want to be with a person who reverts to poor coping skills when life gets stressful? Would you want your children around that?

 

Is it enough to say.....we don't bring the best out in each other. That you simply did not like who either of you became, the lengths you were both prepared to go (trick his wife/family into moving close to you). At the end of the day, whether or not it was "real" doesn't matter.

 

Yes, the affair was pretty definitively the reason he started drinking again. And you're right; ultimately, it has pretty much destroyed both of us. Trust me, I know you're right. I would give anything to go back and undo all of this.

[Clay]

I genuinely am trying. I'm in NC; I've been going to therapy; I'm trying to focus on my kids and my family. I posted here because I am trying to figure out how to right things in my marriage, if that's even possible. If I still have a failing attitude, then I honestly don't know what else to do.

 

I do agree at least you are trying and that is more than I can say for most. I am sorry I have not been more supportive for you and at least noticed that part. Its hard to change the way you think. We all have done bad things In our lives and not really seen what they were until the damage is done.

 

Its good you are counseling.

 

Wow today just sucks..

 

Clay