which is the worse confession?

[Waverly]

Just one possibility...

 

The kids MIGHT not end up knowing about your affair. I didn't tell mine after Dday, nor throughout our (failed) reconciliation, nor our divorce, nor the year and a half since the divorce. I don't want to get into a debate about whether or not it's right to tell them (it's a very personal decision and one that I researched extensively). If my kids suffered any trauma, it was really ultimately because their parents' marriage failed, primarily because we screwed up the reconciliation six ways from Sunday.

 

Your H might feel a need to expose to the universe; he might not want to tell anyone; or he might just confide in close friends and family for support. Exposure to your kids is a risk and a potential consequence. My point is that it shouldn't be a foregone conclusion.

 

On a separate note, do your best to quit feeling so beat up by posters. With LS, you have to take what works for you and leave the rest. Frankly, who cares how a bunch of random and anonymous internet posters feel about you? Make it an intellectual exercise. Even those that takes pot shots at you can serve as a potential foreshadowing of how your husband 'may' feel and a conversation you might need to have with him. Use this place as a learning tool. And if you're not learning from someone, disregard them and move on to someone's advice or viewpoint that IS making you think. Short of compromising your anonynimity, just put it all out there without fearing our judgment (at least as best you can). Get advice based on your full story, not just the least embarrasing version of it. Know what I mean?

 

As for ending your affair because of logistics, do you think that's the ONLY reason your affair ended? It might be one of them but I'm guessing that the love of your husband probably fits in there, too. You also seem to acknowledge that the fantasy version of your affair was unlikely to really unfold that way - I think you're smart enough to know that they rarely do. Given time, you would have discovered your OM had flaws (some of them significant ones), you would grow weary of his jokes, less enamoured with stories of his glory days, and the limerance would wear off - much like it probably did with your husband. Is that knowledge also a part of the reason you have chosen your husband? I think there might be an important distinction there between logistics being the only reason you stayed versus being one of many. I also find it significant that this man was an option years ago - you didn't choose him then and you haven't chosen him now. In both situations, you've ultimately chosen your husband.

 

I always appreciate your responses, BH. Honestly, I don't know if my kids will ever know about this or not. They're obviously not at an age now where they could even begin to make sense of it, and whether they would know in the future is still not at the forefront of my mind right now.

 

I take everything personally. I know that's pretty antithetical to being able to successfully participate in a forum like this; I've gotten better at it over the years, but I still have a pretty wide sensitive streak and take things to heart when I'm attacked. It's one of those conundrums of life where the opinion of others ends up taking on a disproportionate value versus my own self-opinion.

 

Logistics were part of it. My love for my husband was part of it. My love for my kids and the stable life they have was part of it. I'm well aware that my OM had flaws, some of them pretty glaring. Even during the A, I had moments where I looked at him and thought "no...I would rather be with my husband". I know that's in contradiction to my saying that I would have left my H for him, but hey, this is nothing if not messy. I have been trying recently to remind myself that I did choose my husband -- not just in the ending of the A, but consistently over the years.

[Waverly]

I do agree at least you are trying and that is more than I can say for most. I am sorry I have not been more supportive for you and at least noticed that part. Its hard to change the way you think. We all have done bad things In our lives and not really seen what they were until the damage is done.

 

Its good you are counseling.

 

Wow today just sucks..

 

Clay

 

Clay, you don't need to apologize to me. I'm sorry you went through what you did, and, like I said earlier, I appreciate you even trying to give advice to a WS, having been hurt by that in your past. I hope your day gets better...

[BetrayedH]

All things considered, I think you should read Not Just Friends, and then tell your husband. Plenty of couples have reconciled with similar lingering thoughts and feelings about or for the AP and yes, it's messy. If you're waiting for a perfect time, there's never going to be one. But I do think that book is a real eye-opener. Once that's done, I think you tell him, come hell or high water.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Waverly, it is not uncommon for a person involved in an affair to think about being together full time. The facts are...you considered it, you couldn't see it being viable, so you didn't.

 

In my experience, if someone really does not want to do something they see the obstacles.....and lots of them. You turned down the solutions he offered. Why?

 

Do not underestimate your inner-self finding only obstacles......there is a reason for that.

[Waverly]

Waverly, it is not uncommon for a person involved in an affair to think about being together full time. The facts are...you considered it, you couldn't see it being viable, so you didn't.

 

In my experience, if someone really does not want to do something they see the obstacles.....and lots of them. You turned down the solutions he offered. Why?

 

Do not underestimate your inner-self finding only obstacles......there is a reason for that.

 

Wellll....if I'm being totally honest, it wasn't just me. We both realized that we didn't want to be the kind of people who would have done what we would have had to to be together (if that makes sense). He actually was the one who had more of a sudden realization of it than I did, since he was the one who was going to have to move. I admit that there were a couple of points though when it sounded like he was really going to go through with it. I definitely had that kind of internal "oh sh*t; I can't really go through with this" type of reaction.

[leonine]

I can really relate to much of your story as presented in this thread. I was a WW and I developed serious feelings for the MM. After it was over I was a complete mess, between the grief for the lost relationship and the guilt over what I had done. I knew that I loved my husband, but I still had lingering feelings for the ex and of ambivalence towards my marriage.

 

A couple of months after the A ended, I told my BH the truth, and to be honest, I didn't really have any expectations, other than I knew that he would be hurt and upset. I wanted us to get back to where we once were, and I didn't know if that was possible. I knew it wasn't going to be possible though, as long as I had this huge secret breaking any hope of true intimacy. I respected him enough to be my partner in working through this if he was willing. Fortunately, he was, and in many ways we are better now than we ever have been. I just wish we had gotten here without all the pain. I (justifiably) still feel a lot of guilt, but at least it's all out in the open.

 

My advice is tell him sooner than later, and let go of the outcome. It will be what it will be and it will suck and hurt and all that, but down the road, no matter what happens, you will be a better person for having gone through it. It's the only path to authenticity.

[xAkulax]

Waverly, having been on some of your previous threads, I think that you've tapped into your exact dilemma here. If I gather correctly, you would make a break from your husband to be with your OM but neither of you could handle being thousands of miles away from your children. If you go into a confession with that mentality, it severely diminishes your chances of your H wanting to reconcile because no one wants to be someone's second choice or backup plan. Still having feelings is one thing; just staying because you can't work out the logistics with your soulmate is quite another.

 

Personally, I don't buy any of the soulmate crap. People experience limerance in new relationships and an affair is just a bunch of fantasy engagement. Your husband cannot compete with a fantasy, nor should he have to. You made a commitment to give up engaging in fantasies of other men long ago. And your OM ain't all he's cracked up to be. In fact, it appears that he's able to move on and you're the one still trying to keep up this emotional daydream.

 

If you haven't read it, I highly suggest the book, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Many affairs follow a very typical pattern of loose boundaries and engaging in a fantasy when your very real (and imperfect) husband is right next to you.

 

Read the book and see if it changes your perspective.

 

ETA: from what I've seen, it takes about 6 months of strict NC for the rose-colored glasses to come off. Consider sticking with NC and setting a six month deadline for yourself to make a firm decision to stay with your H or release him.

 

 

I agree if the op can't figure out her feelings then this marriage will end badly

[Almond_Joy]

My motives for waiting are mixed. Partially, I want to put it off because I'm scared. But partially I genuinely do want to be able to go to him with a clear answer in my heart about what I want and answers about why I did it. But I hear you (and everyone) that waiting isn't really doing him any favors.

 

I do have two young kids (both under four). How would that play in to waiting or not?

 

 

Everyone reacts differently to traumatic news. It's one thing to learn you were betrayed. Add to that any implication that you're still attached and connected to the affair....that kind of double hitter can drive some over the edge emotionally and induce dangerous behaviors. If your husband gets erratic, emotionally abusive, aggressive...that will invariably affect the lives of your children. Granted the disharmony that brought about the affair likely has an effect too, but my thinking was the latter is the lesser tragedy of the two scenarios.

 

You know your husband, if you think there's a possibility of that kind of reaction it may be better to have a clean cut confession where everything about the affair is behind you and you're wholly focused on rebuilding the marriage.

[harrybrown]

But just because I prefer not to think of it as some story of my being used up and spit out by someone who didn't care about me, that doesn't mean that I can't also feel remorse and regret for getting involved in the first place. The past was the past, and it should have stayed there. We should have both independently decided that an affair was wrong and - logistics or not - stayed committed to our marriages. We didn't, and I genuinely feel remorse for that.

 

I've spent a lot of time reading everyone's responses and considering what to do. I do have my therapist telling me that confessing isn't really the answer, and I obviously am tempted by that idea, as well as by those here who say it isn't the answer. But ultimately, I know how I would feel if the positions were reversed. I would unequivocally want to know. He deserves to know, and you're all right -- the least I owe him is the agency to determine his own path, and whether he wants to be with me or not based on clear knowledge of the facts.

 

I like your comments here. It will not be easy, but follow thru with what you are saying.

 

I hope you and your H find happiness, if not together, then apart. But I do applaud your thoughts on treating your H the way your would want to be treated. He does deserve to know.

 

Good luck.

[Lamron]

Waverly,

 

I read through much of your thread, but not all. So my apologies if I add nothing new.

 

When I had a quick glance at your early posts (outside of this thread) I saw that your OM is an alcoholic who had been sober for five years. In that time he met his wife, married and started a family.

 

Alcohol addition is a very cruel thing – chains that bind - and always pestering to get the person back to drinking. My sympathies to him on that, but we have to be realistic as concerns you.

 

Firstly, I feel very strongly that your affair really had very little to do with him starting-up drinking again – in the long run. (You said he sent you a drunken email, that he had started drinking again, and that he showed up to work drunk. You also said he was going to start/re-start AA). Perhaps his affair with you served as a “means to cope” for a while (like any addiction) and then when it ended it gave him an excuse to go back to his old tried-and-true “coping mechanism”. I’m not ragging on him as a human being. Again, I sympathize with him – but that sympathy only goes so far. If you had not gotten involved with him, perhaps he would have started back drinking earlier to cope with the “stress”…

 

If not, then if you had disengaged from your husband to be with him then the stress that would have resulted from him leaving his wife likely would have triggered the same thing. Then you would be absent your husband, and dealing with someone with a serious addiction. Not to mention that you likely didn’t know him that well as concerns day-to-day things. (You said your husband is your best friend, but the “romantic thing” wasn’t there anymore. Hello life and kids! A question. Wouldn’t you like to have a good friend at home – getting passion/romance as it could be had while raising kids, and then perhaps being happy and romantic latter given that you succeeded in raising those kids? – or would you want/need to have cheap “romance” in the idealized/fictitious world of no problems/issues of a family, responsibilities, etc.?).

 

Again, not trying to rag on the OM or you. I’m in my 50s and have dealt with these things (including, unfortunately, being cheated on by my wife).

 

But this is a digression.

 

Here is the real intent of my post.

 

You said you couldn’t imagine your affair coming to light apart from you confessing. Maybe. Your OM is going through a hard time and his alcohol addiction is raging. Back in full force - I presume. Do you think he might take AA seriously and make an inventory of his wrongs and admit to his wife the nature of his wrongs? (There’s your wild card for you - unless you know that woman wouldn’t contact your husband.) Or maybe he will get to a place of depression and, while drunk, confess to his wife irrespective of AA. Or maybe he will get drunk, depressed, and try to call you at 3:30 am (hope your cell phone is off! – but if it is, and you have a land line, then he may still have enough active brain cells to search up your number) – if you husband hears that phone go off then he will get suspicious.

 

Actually, while men are not as emotionally astute as women, they still – eventually – get their radars up. Might your husband’s radar already be up?

 

If you confess on your own then that is a major plus. If you confess but your husband comes to think that you are doing that because you think you might be outed then that’s bad. If you are in fact outed then that’s horrible.

 

Sorry for the long post.

 

But, please, no gaslighting, no trickle-truthing -- be honest and upfront!! The gaslighting and trickle-truthing is what was most horrible to me. And might still be what sinks my marriage.

 

Best of luck.

 

P.S. I think you are a level headed person and I am impressed with the introspection you express in your posts. I really wish you the best.

 

P.S.S. There is a pinned thread "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know" at the top of this forum. You may want to read that carefully (a few times). Your husband likely will also like to see it so that he knows he is not abnormal.

He can read it there and you can discuss. (I'd raise it a little while after you confess. He likely will find comfort that you are trying to do the right thing and understand what a BS might be going through.)

Edited March 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
other forum url removed

[atreides]

I just read parts of your other threads, I am not sure confession is the correct context. I think you hit it on the nail with "limbo" it certainly feels that way with the other threads in context.

 

In my opinion, one thread you had is about staying for the children which in my opinion is the wrong reason. If you confess for R, it needs to be for the right reasons. The same reasons that created the love you had, that love that created your children. IMO it is unfair to have the blocks of life such as stability and kids be the forefront that leads to R.

 

I applaud your self-awareness in all of this and i think it has been a couple of months via the timeline from your other threads. However, it does feel like the "back burner will have to do because the front burner no longer works."

 

You should confess as it is the right thing to do, but as far as R... you need to be sure of what you feel, something extremely difficult while still in the fog but oh so important. Unlike others on LS I have read, you are much more self-aware and is why I bring this up.

[drifter777]

Telling him does nothing but cause him lifelong pain. Don't do it. This notion that you must have complete honesty to R is romantic rubbish. If he never knows then you don't face R; you just need to repair yourself or divorce and give him a chance to start over.

[gettingstronger]

I think the point some of you are missing is that the dishonesty is effecting the OP- she needs to come clean to move forward not only in her marriage but in her life-not only that the whole idea of "what you don't know won't hurt you" is just an excuse to be dishonest- so many BS say that after finding out about the A is helped answer so many questions, many BS blame themselves for their WS behaviors during an A-they have no idea why things seem off and they are filled with self doubt-finding out about the A puts things in perspective for the BS-

[revelations]

Waverly

I honestly know of no way to tell your husband "Dear I was banging another guy, whoops my bad, please forgive me". Anyway you tell him will have devastating results which your husband will suffer for the rest of his life. Really think about what you are confessing to him and prepare yourself the best you can. Expect that his reaction will not be good, after all you are the person he trust and loves and you have destroyed him.

 

Now I know what I wrote above sounds very cruel. However by you confessing you are taking giant first steps in possibly saving the marriage along with improving yourself. It is okay to take comfort in that. Think about it, you are risking loosing the marriage so that your husband can make an informed decision if he wants to stay with you. That is an unselfish act among some very selfish acts you have already committed. I give you credit for that and most WW on here are caught and never would have confessed.

 

Okay telling him. First off I would make it as soon as possible, make sure the kids have someplace else to stay for a few days. Write out a timeline of how many times you have seen the xOM, how many times you had sex (yes this includes oral, fondling, etc.). Have all your passwords and screen names handy. Now sit him down and break his heart..

 

Their is no honest way to predict his reaction. However to soften the blow you might want to say something like "Dear you have been a good husband to me, however I have fallen short of being a good wife to you. This will break your heart and for that I am sorry. I have been unfaithful to you. I will answer any of your questions you have and I am willing to help you work through the pain in the hopes that you will give me a second chance that I do not deserve". He may ask you a thousand questions, he may ask the same questions over and over again. Answer each one honestly even if it causes more pain for him. He may want you to hold him, or he may want you to stay away from him, either way respect that. He may burst out and call you horrible names, do not agree with the names he is calling you, however do not retort to them either, it is best to remain silent. He may walk out, if so let him. At this point the only thing you can really do is to reassure him that you are their for him if he wants you their.

 

Read everything you can about affairs, people here can recommend some good books on it. Get yourselfand your husband into IC and then MC if he will go. You want to show your husband that you are willing to go the whole 9 yards, offer to pay for them if you can. It may require you to get a second job, however it shows that your willing to do anything to help him feel better. Telling your husband that you love him might be of comfort to him, however it can also backfire on you. Remember he is still too raw at this point. You gave yourself to another man so he may question your love for him. He may not eat or drink much, try and encourage him to keep up his strength. However do not be surprised if he rejects these things you offer.

 

I am only telling you a few things I have read and what I went through when I finally discovered about my XWW. Their is a sticky post on here Things that every wayward spouse needs to know I suggest reading it more than once. It is pretty accurate on what a BS goes through. Do not expect him to trust you anytime soon. Be ready that it may take years before his is not questioning why it took you so long at the store. Make sure that you offer him anything he needs to prove that you are trustable. Let him know that you will continue to offer that proof for as long as he needs it. Look up the word amends and understand it. Let our BH know that you will do this on a daily bases for him, some may be small others large, however daily. Remember you can never truly compensate him for the hurt you have caused him. Do not try and tell him that you are going to compensate him by being faithful. You can not use something as compensation that you should have been doing all along.

 

Things may look very bleak for your marriage at times. One thing that may be of some comfort to him is to give him a "get out of marriage free card". Let him know that if he wants to leave he is free to do so. That you will refuse any and all spousal support including his retirement and house (if you own one). With child support (if you have kids) figure out a budget for the kids and see if he agrees, request only 50% of what it takes to support them financially. Make sure he has as much access to the kids and is in their lives as much as possible. You may want to offer him this in the form of a post nuptial agreement. Their are people that may advise against this, however remember you cheated so would you feel right about taking his hard earned money also? I would like to believe that since your wanting to confess that you would feel this is wrong as well. By offering up that post nuptial agreement you are showing your BH that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions.

 

Remember you have had the chance to receive and give pleasure to another man. Your husband had no choice in this and is only receiving pain for your actions. You need to understand that this is very unfair to him, he will probably feel a since of injustices. This is why you should work very hard at finding different ways you can make amends to him, even if he is leaving you. The more you humble yourself the better your chances will be. Now humbling yourself does not mean being a door mat either. Calling you awful names months after D-Day is not acceptable. Threats or acts of violence at anytime is not acceptable. Do not grovel or beg, show remorse and guilt. When making amends show that you are grateful for the chance to do this. Make sure to point out his positive traits and brag about him to others. You will have to work very hard to show him that he is number one to you. Remember you were distracted by another man and put your BH as number two. Make sure to show him that this will never be the case again.

 

I hope this helps you in some way and that you can save your marriage and worth through this painful time. You will have to do the heavy lifting now to save the marriage.

[Owl]

Telling him does nothing but cause him lifelong pain. Don't do it. This notion that you must have complete honesty to R is romantic rubbish. If he never knows then you don't face R; you just need to repair yourself or divorce and give him a chance to start over.

 

I think some men feel like this, and then others feel like I do...that I'd want to know, to make my own informed decision.

 

OP...you probably do need to give some serious thought as to which 'group' your husband fits best in...those that would want to know the truth, or those that would not.

 

And choose to tell or not based off that, as well as based off your own needs in all of this.

[Waverly]

Firstly, I feel very strongly that your affair really had very little to do with him starting-up drinking again – in the long run. (You said he sent you a drunken email, that he had started drinking again, and that he showed up to work drunk. You also said he was going to start/re-start AA). Perhaps his affair with you served as a “means to cope” for a while (like any addiction) and then when it ended it gave him an excuse to go back to his old tried-and-true “coping mechanism”. I’m not ragging on him as a human being. Again, I sympathize with him – but that sympathy only goes so far. If you had not gotten involved with him, perhaps he would have started back drinking earlier to cope with the “stress”…

 

Maybe he would have. It's another one of those questions that I'll never really know the answer to, of course. It is very possible that some other stress would have come up in his life and he would have started drinking again anyway. As it stands though, we had the A, and about three weeks after it ended, he started drinking again. I know it's not my fault, and I understand that it was his choice to do that, but I do feel a level of guilt for that as well.

 

If not, then if you had disengaged from your husband to be with him then the stress that would have resulted from him leaving his wife likely would have triggered the same thing. Then you would be absent your husband, and dealing with someone with a serious addiction. Not to mention that you likely didn’t know him that well as concerns day-to-day things. (You said your husband is your best friend, but the “romantic thing” wasn’t there anymore. Hello life and kids! A question. Wouldn’t you like to have a good friend at home – getting passion/romance as it could be had while raising kids, and then perhaps being happy and romantic latter given that you succeeded in raising those kids? – or would you want/need to have cheap “romance” in the idealized/fictitious world of no problems/issues of a family, responsibilities, etc.?).

 

All fair points. The best thing about my relationship with my husband was always that we were really good friends. I think one of my worries with him is that that's really all we ever were. The romance was never huge for us. We were good friends, and when we started dating, it was easy and comfortable. I'm not knocking those things -- they were compelling enough for me to marry him. And yes, if things had turned out differently, and I had left him? I would have lost that friendship, I would have lost that solid foundation, and done it all for someone who had already demonstrated he not only had a serious addiction, but who, you're right, I really didn't know in the day to day reality of life. I don't know if I really would have gone through with it, or if it would have been worth it if I had. That's all totally fair.

 

You said you couldn’t imagine your affair coming to light apart from you confessing. Maybe. Your OM is going through a hard time and his alcohol addiction is raging. Back in full force - I presume. Do you think he might take AA seriously and make an inventory of his wrongs and admit to his wife the nature of his wrongs? (There’s your wild card for you - unless you know that woman wouldn’t contact your husband.) Or maybe he will get to a place of depression and, while drunk, confess to his wife irrespective of AA. Or maybe he will get drunk, depressed, and try to call you at 3:30 am (hope your cell phone is off! – but if it is, and you have a land line, then he may still have enough active brain cells to search up your number) – if you husband hears that phone go off then he will get suspicious.

 

Actually, while men are not as emotionally astute as women, they still – eventually – get their radars up. Might your husband’s radar already be up?

 

Ok, I'll play along. If I put aside the morality of telling or not for a minute, there is still some back-of-the-napkin calculus to be done in terms of whether my husband would ever find out or not. Like I said, I think that the odds are overall pretty low. I have zero evidence of the affair - all emails and texts have been deleted, we didn't talk on the same phone enough to raise any suspicious patterns on the bill, my xAP lives on the other side of the country; they've never met and we have zero friends in common. He does know of him, but just as someone who I've been friends with for years. He also knows that he has, historically, had a drinking problem, and that he has turned to me over the years when he's at a low point. So even the theoretical drunken late night phone call wouldn't be unexplainable. The biggest risk on my end is honestly that he would see me on LS, or find a book about affairs lying around somewhere (one of the reasons I've avoided getting one, to be honest).

 

The wild card, as you rightly point out, is the drinking. He (the OM) has made it very very clear that he will never tell his wife. He also has two very young children and is petrified of not being with them 100% of the time. I genuinely don't believe that he will ever confess. That said: the drinking. He's been drinking on and off for a few months now (it's not overwhelming him yet, but he's certainly not headed in a good direction), so yeah. Who knows what could come out in a bad drunken argument. He hid the drinking from his wife for the first month or so, but she knows now, and I get the sense things aren't great there. He mentioned that she wants them to go to MC; he followed it up by saying that it was solely to discuss the drinking; that he had no intention of talking about the infidelity. If she finds out, I have no doubt she would find me and tell my husband. I've never met her, but that's just the sense I get of her. And she would be well within her rights to do so.

 

Back to my husband: he is actually a pretty sensitive guy. In the midst of the A, his radar was definitely up. I wasn't acting normally, of course. Since then, he thinks things have improved (and they have), so he's not asking any pointed questions anymore.

 

If you confess on your own then that is a major plus. If you confess but your husband comes to think that you are doing that because you think you might be outed then that’s bad. If you are in fact outed then that’s horrible.

 

Agreed.

 

I really appreciated your response... thanks for taking the time.

[DasPope]

I don't think you should tell him at all. Telling him only helps YOU with YOUR guilt. It does nothing for him. Instead of telling him why not throw yourself into your relationship with your husband and try to be the best partner you can.

[Waverly]

I think some men feel like this, and then others feel like I do...that I'd want to know, to make my own informed decision.

 

OP...you probably do need to give some serious thought as to which 'group' your husband fits best in...those that would want to know the truth, or those that would not.

 

And choose to tell or not based off that, as well as based off your own needs in all of this.

 

I wish there were some way to know that. Just some quick background on my husband: he had an amazingly unstable childhood. Name a problem, and it probably appeared at some point in his family. Divorce, infidelity, drinking, drugs, death of a parent. The list just goes on and on. There are still stories that come up sometimes that just throw me for a loop.

 

But, despite (because?) of all of that, he's turned into the most stable person you could ever hope to meet. His mom and sisters have all also eventually stabilized their own lives, but even they marvel sometimes at how "normal" he turned out. As a result of all the upheaval he had as a child, he really really values providing a good stable family life for our kids.

 

But -- having gone through all of that also means that he is incredibly forgiving of people. He's seen the total sh*t that people go through and create for themselves, and he's always amazed me with his capacity to remain non-judgmental and generous in his assessment.

 

So, not sure where that leaves me, to be honest. Part of me thinks he would want to know, because why wouldn't he? It's his life and his marriage and he should be able to decide what to do from here. But part of me also thinks that his capacity to forgive and his basic generosity of spirit, coupled with his intense desire to provide a stable life for our kids, would win out in the end, and if that's the case, why would he want to know something that he'll just have to work past eventually anyway, whether he stays with me or not? (I'm also fully aware that I am probably twisting to suit my own purposes/fear.)

 

In other words: I have no idea which category he would fall into.

[katielee]

he had an amazingly unstable childhood. Name a problem, and it probably appeared at some point in his family. Divorce, infidelity, drinking, drugs, death of a parent. The list just goes on and on. There are still stories that come up sometimes that just throw me for a loop.

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

Consider....that he picked you for a reason. That there was and is something broken in him that may have chosen someone who brings HIS issues to the surface in some way so they can be dealt with. An individual such as your husband, with this kind of childhood, has some FOO stuff that needs to be looked at.

I hardly can stand to look at it this way because it appears then that it puts some blame on the BS but that's not it at all - it's sometimes (most times?) a very subconscious thing.

The thing about affairs from a BS perspective - not only do we have to deal with the crap the affair puts on us, but it forces us to examine everything about our life. An affair is a form of abandonment - and your husband must have this issue from FOO stuff I'm guessing? . I am looking very hard at this in IC because it has been a theme of my life for a long time too.

 

Just a suggestion, I may be very wrong on this. But if not, that would necessitate a confession.

[katielee]

I'm guessing you were already suspicious?

 

I know there's no 100% guarantee. Nobody expects to get caught, right?

 

 

I can tell you for sure, as a former WW, I knew I would eventually tell him so that our lives would be split wide open for some purpose I didn't realize at that time. Harsh, sucks, cruel but that's what it was. Could it be for you too?

[Waverly]

Consider....that he picked you for a reason. That there was and is something broken in him that may have chosen someone who brings HIS issues to the surface in some way so they can be dealt with. An individual such as your husband, with this kind of childhood, has some FOO stuff that needs to be looked at.

I hardly can stand to look at it this way because it appears then that it puts some blame on the BS but that's not it at all - it's sometimes (most times?) a very subconscious thing.

The thing about affairs from a BS perspective - not only do we have to deal with the crap the affair puts on us, but it forces us to examine everything about our life. An affair is a form of abandonment - and your husband must have this issue from FOO stuff I'm guessing? . I am looking very hard at this in IC because it has been a theme of my life for a long time too.

 

Just a suggestion, I may be very wrong on this. But if not, that would necessitate a confession.

 

Sorry, I know this is a really minor point in your reply, but what is FOO?

[Fluttershy]

Sorry, I know this is a really minor point in your reply, but what is FOO?

 

Family of origin issues.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I don't think you should tell him at all. Telling him only helps YOU with YOUR guilt. It does nothing for him. Instead of telling him why not throw yourself into your relationship with your husband and try to be the best partner you can.

 

But that relationship will be based on a facade; not authenticity. I find it impossible to have true intimacy with a spouse while harboring such secrets.

 

Plus, being the best partner she can would include honesty, not deception.

[drifter777]

But that relationship will be based on a facade; not authenticity. I find it impossible to have true intimacy with a spouse while harboring such secrets.

 

Plus, being the best partner she can would include honesty, not deception.

Ok, this is your perception and opinion. Mileage may vary for others. Telling him to relieve guilt is selfish and just plain wrong. She can choose to re-commit to her husband or not - and he never has to know about her betrayal.

[Ap22]

Honestly? Because emotions aren't always that black and white. If I could simply turn off my feelings for my xAP, I would have done so a long time ago. I'm doing everything I can to get over it, but in the meantime, I know I'm keeping my marriage in an unfair limbo, and leaving my husband in the dark.

 

 

When a woman has feelings for 2 men, she doesnt quite love either enough. Personally, I'm going through reconciliation with my cheating wife. Had she told me she still has feelings for the OM, I couldnt do it.

 

You were selfish for having an affair and its painfully obvious you still worry about yourself first. You still have feelings for this other man? Tell your poor husband the entire truth and let him decide what he wants to do. Reconciling takes 100% commitment, honesty, and it is incredibly hard work. There is absolutely no way in hell it can ever be done successfully if you have feelings for the AP.

 

You need to, at the very least, separate from your husband until you are clear about what you want. I cant think of a more cruel way to live than to not only have to deal with your wifes infidelity, but also with the fact that she has feelings for the AP.