which is the worse confession?

[Hope Shimmers]

Is it really true that most people who cheat end up doing it again? I'm genuinely curious if that's true or not.

 

I was going to ask Clay to provide those data as well.

[Steadfast]

...I had an affair. And in your mind, I probably threw some kittens in the river on my way home each night. Look, I did my husband a serious serious wrong. I have *never* denied that, here or in my real life. And this probably won't matter to you, but I didn't exactly do it blithely or without thought as to the possible ramifications. This has destroyed me -- I don't want to be this person. I was wrong.

 

I am reminded of some timely advice I got once, not soon after my ex confessed to her affair(s). Everyone has good traits and bad. Very few are completely tilted one way or another. The difference is found among those who constantly revisit their issues and 'revolve' around them, and those willing to make the choices that allow them to 'evolve' out of this unhealthy cycle.

 

My ex told me she cheated because she lost her attraction for me. I believed and accepted that, but some confusion grew when her actions didn't match. I often wondered if the fear of losing control or power in our marriage was the roadblock...with the possible addition of wondering if I'd ever let it go and trust her again. I can't say if I could have done that, for I was never given the chance. On my end, she seemed willing to let things ride but dealing with that rejection seems worse if it wasn't necessary. If I'm right, she chose to let me twist in the wind rather than work on her pride and selfishness. If I'm wrong, none of it really matters. Whats done is done.

 

Control entered into my mind when I read your opening statement. What you want to see happen plus some control over his reaction. You wish to speak and be heard. You want his understanding. I think you (along with most of us) realize there is no way to control this, so the info stays under your hat until you stumble upon a plan of action that suits you.

 

If you love him, you'll tell. The unknown that follows is the cost of your affair, but that shouldn't stop you from being sincere. I dare say the fear of this unknown might replace those lingering feelings for the OM.

[Scott Thomas]

Do most people who cheat end up cheating again?

This is a rather grey area. It depends on the BS finding out and divorcing or having a revenge affair. I think that a few people might be serial cheaters but the majority wouldn't repeat it after they see the pain they caused their BS. In cases where there has been no d-day or when the affair was rug-sweeped, the chances of another affair are higher.

Btw, when you do get the time, feel free to answer my queries.

[Waverly]

Do most people who cheat end up cheating again?

This is a rather grey area. It depends on the BS finding out and divorcing or having a revenge affair. I think that a few people might be serial cheaters but the majority wouldn't repeat it after they see the pain they caused their BS. In cases where there has been no d-day or when the affair was rug-sweeped, the chances of another affair are higher.

Btw, when you do get the time, feel free to answer my queries.

 

I just can't imagine ever doing this again, d-day or not.

 

In response to your other questions, yes, I'd be willing to do all of that. I admit I find the don't tell arguments compelling, but that's out of my own fear. My initial question on this thread genuinely wasn't meant to be selfish, by the way. It's not that I'm trying to be manipulative or controlling - although I see the point. I more was asking about being on the receiving end of a confession, and what would be preferable. (I get that neither is exactly ideal.)

[Scott Thomas]

In my opinion:

 

Confession and apology > finding out on his own, even years down the road

 

My wife didn't confess, I had to discover it after some time had passed. Needles to say, I would've preferred the honest truth. Divorced her immediately. It's one thing not staying monogamous, but deciding that your spouse does not have the right to decide for themselves?

May I inquire, is the hesitation greater after you scroll through the other woman/man threads?

 

In any case, your life, your decision and your responsibility if he finds out. We can only provide our opinions. How long do you intend on living in fear?

 

 

 

"When you stand before this crown, do not say that I was told by others to do thus or that virtue was an inconvenience at that moment"

 

Richard the Lionheart

[Furious]

Respect and the consequence of respect is giving the person you've wronged the gift of self determination.

 

That's true remorse and I believe most...after the initial shock....will appreciate the respect of being given the truth of their reality.

 

Sometimes the risk of losing something far outweighs the risk of saving what you don't want to lose.

[Buckeye2]

I think that a few people might be serial cheaters but the majority wouldn't repeat it after they see the pain they caused their BS. In cases where there has been no d-day or when the affair was rug-sweeped, the chances of another affair are higher.

 

 

Scott is right on. However, if your affair is over and now the thought of it freaks you out. If you have had a “come to Jesus moment” so to speak and will never cheat again. If you truly love your husband and can devote all of your energy to your marriage. Then I think it is best not to tell.

 

 

The only exception is the chance of getting caught.

 

 

Confession and apology > finding out on his own, even years down the road.

 

 

Look at this post.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/467123-my-mom-cheater

[AlwaysGrowing]

For me, once a person has decided unilaterally to engage in an affair, they forfeit the hat of "I want to protect you". One no longer gets to be protector, as they themselves are the very person their SO needs protection from. One can not claim to be the protector when they are the ones holding/wielding the knife.

 

In the moment that one decides to betray, they chose their new role. That role does NOT include making decisions for their spouse. One is no longer on the "team of us", the sooner the BS knows, the better off they will be.

[thummper]

If you love or ever loved your husband and you have the minimum amount of respect for him then you will let him decide about his own life. Your husband is not a child who needs you to take decisions on his behalf, he is not someone who can't understand the dark side of life or who need a protection he never asked for.

You have already been a very selfish person being unfaithful to your husband, are you going to choose for yourself again? Where is your remorse? Where is your care about your husband? Don't you think he deserves at least that much of respect from you?

 

who are you trying to protect? where was that need to protect him when you were cheating on him?

Funny how people that didn't care to protect their partners when they were cheating on them become very "protective" when it comes to disclose their affair.

You know what is right and what is wrong, you are very easily letting people who tell you not to disclose your affair convince you because that is the music you want to hear. At least for once make what is right for your husband and not just for yourself.

 

 

Kinda hits the nail on the head, doesn't it? Affairs are so destructive to everyone concerned. His heart will be shattered when he finds out. He will no doubt be blindsided by all of this. He won't understand what HE did to cause the WS to betray him in this way. It's possible that you don't have to tell him what you did because these things always seem to come to light sooner or later. People talk. Someone gets careless. E-mails that the WS thought were deleted, weren't and hubby discovers them while looking for something else. It seems to be a rare thing for an affair to remain permanently undiscovered. It's just a matter of time until it all comes out. Will he forgive? Will he leave? Will he contact the OM's wife to find out if she knew. God, these things are so sordid! In the long run everybody loses: husbands, wives, children, families. It's all so sad! It may not seem like it, Waverly, but I really do wish you the best in what you have to do and what you ultimately have to go through. And I wish your hubby the best, too. Sometimes life just sucks.

Edited March 22, 2014 by thummper
misspelled word

[Waverly]

How many years are you married?

When did the affair start and end?

Was is an EA, PA, both?

 

Road, I've been married for six years. The affair was last year; it ended in the fall after about four months. It was both.

[Clay]

Wav,

Its really up to you what you do. I know we all have really focused on the cheating and pushed the issue of weather to be honest or not but in the end its your life. I know from your other thread we talked about you focusing on finding a way for you to be healthy again. I know it will be hard for you to get to that point but if that is really what you are striving for your going to have to make some hard choices.

 

Its really what it all comes down to in the end. I have been hard on you about being honest and being a cheater but I think you really should know I appreciate that you came to this board to seek help in the first place. This had to be hard to do. Its very hard to open yourself up like this. Its really good that you did this. Its the first steps of many to help you make the right decisions in your life.

 

I hope you take to heart what a lot of us have said. Its hard for us not be just be insanely critical after being cheated on. Our lives have been destroyed by people that cared far less than you are demonstrating now.

 

If you get the time read sofies thread. I think her thread might help you see some of what we are all trying to say about remorse.

 

Clay

[Scott Thomas]

If is was an emotional affair and you really do love the OM then the best thing would be to leave your H. The reason I typed this is because if you REALLY LOVED your husband in the first place, you wouldn't have fallen in love with another man after a mere six years. If that love wasn't strong enough to resist temptation than there really is no point in continuing a fascade.

 

I understand that you two have a shared history; fell in love at one point and decided to get married, bought a house, had a child etc.

Yet, if this isn't enough then there really is no point is staying married. I think you still harbour feelings for your husband and might even love him, but this is because you two have a history. Imagine, if you could rewind history back by 10 years, and had the chance to chose between the OM and your H? To begin with, you already hose the OM over your H last year.

 

Look at this from a different angle. We don't know how long we'll live. We won't live again, and get only one shot at life. Your husband (and you) deserve the chance to live this life with someone who loves him (and you) unconditionally. It would be really cruel to deprive him of this choice. How would you feel if someone deprived your son from making his own decision and spending his life with someone who loved him.

 

I'm not trying to egg you on. You chose to leave the marriage. You may now choose to confess/continue deceiving your husband (but please don't say that you are protecting him-you're protecting yourself).

[Scott Thomas]

"If you live someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If not, they never were".

[road]

Road, I've been married for six years. The affair was last year; it ended in the fall after about four months. It was both.

 

 

 

How did your BH find out?

 

 

What have you done to repair the broken trust?

 

 

Is there 100% NC?

 

 

That means no indirect contact such as looking at OM's FB, looking at old texts, and so on.

 

 

OM lives far away. What is in place to make sure that there will always be thousands of miles between you and the OM?

 

 

Is there anything in place that can cause NC to break?

[janedoe67]

How did your BH find out?

 

 

What have you done to repair the broken trust?

 

 

Is there 100% NC?

 

 

That means no indirect contact such as looking at OM's FB, looking at old texts, and so on.

 

 

OM lives far away. What is in place to make sure that there will always be thousands of miles between you and the OM?

 

 

Is there anything in place that can cause NC to break?

 

These are all excellent questions. Except the first one, since she has not confessed yet and he doesn't know, which is what the thrust of this thread is about.

 

A humble confession is the first step.

[Waverly]

How did your BH find out?

 

 

What have you done to repair the broken trust?

 

 

Is there 100% NC?

 

 

That means no indirect contact such as looking at OM's FB, looking at old texts, and so on.

 

 

OM lives far away. What is in place to make sure that there will always be thousands of miles between you and the OM?

 

 

Is there anything in place that can cause NC to break?

 

My husband doesn't know.

 

We don't have 100% NC right now. We're in really minimal contact. He's a social media holdout, and I've deleted everything. His life is on his side of the country, mine is on mine. There's no chance our paths would cross.

[Clay]

My husband doesn't know.

 

We don't have 100% NC right now. We're in really minimal contact. He's a social media holdout, and I've deleted everything. His life is on his side of the country, mine is on mine. There's no chance our paths would cross.

 

Except the fact he emailed you yesterday. An email provider can duplicate your messages to two different places. If the request had been made.

 

This is where my xW screwed up. I work in IT. You think you are covering your tracks but all the while your leaving a trail.

 

The sooner you tell him the less you have to hide.

 

That way you can go be with the man you really love.

 

Clay

[Waverly]

Except the fact he emailed you yesterday. An email provider can duplicate your messages to two different places. If the request had been made.

 

This is where my xW screwed up. I work in IT. You think you are covering your tracks but all the while your leaving a trail.

 

The sooner you tell him the less you have to hide.

 

That way you can go be with the man you really love.

 

Clay

 

He did email me yesterday. But it was specifically to say "I thought I might get divorced, but I'm not". Even if I decided he was the one love of my life, he's not an option.

 

I'm sure there is an electronic trail that I'm not aware of. You're right. And however this ends, I'm looking forward to not hiding things anymore.

[Scott Thomas]

How, if I may ask, do you plan on not keeping"things hidden anymore"?

[Waverly]

How, if I may ask, do you plan on not keeping"things hidden anymore"?

 

The whole point of my thread is that I can't keep living like this. I need something to change, one way or another. I'm scared to confess, for a million reasons, but I think I'll have to eventually.

 

Sorry if this seems short. I'm feeling beaten down at the moment. (Yes, I deserve it, no, it's nothing compared to what my husband will go through..)

[Scott Thomas]

"Why do we fall?"

 

So we may rise even higher.

Hopefully, your husband will forgive you. You two will be able to reconcile and end up with an even stronger marriage. Only one way to found out.....

[Hope Shimmers]

if you REALLY LOVED your husband in the first place, you wouldn't have fallen in love with another man after a mere six years. If that love wasn't strong enough to resist temptation than there really is no point in continuing a fascade.

 

So you are saying that everyone who has an A has fallen out of love with their spouse and that the action of having an A means that the love is gone?

 

These statements, in my opinion, are incongruous with the fact that many married people on this forum reconcile after an A. Why would they reconcile if the love was gone? I read an entire long thread on here where many men (or women) who got caught having A's said they still loved their spouses, they didn't know why they had an A, etc.

 

Human emotions are extremely complex. It is possible to love two people at the same time. It's not that black and white that if you love one person, you must stop loving all other people. The act of falling in love with someone - allowing that to happen - is the issue. There are many reasons people have A's that do not necessarily mean that the WS has stopped loving their BH.

[Hope Shimmers]

Waverly,

 

I can tell that you are beaten down and I'm sorry. I thought your question about the best timing to confess was a great one - I was surprised that it almost universally got changed to "whether or not you should confess" in the responses, when you have been very clear all along that you intend to confess. The fact that you want to do it in the least hurtful way as possible, despite the pain that you are going through now, speaks to your character in my opinion. Especially because you are saying that BEFORE a D-day. Many people on here who reconcile (according to my reading) do so even in the situation where a D-day happened and they were still in communication with the AP and probably still would be had the D-day never happened. You on the other hand are doing your best to stop it even though you haven't been "caught". Kudos to you.

[thummper]

"Why do we fall?"

 

So we may rise even higher.

Hopefully, your husband will forgive you. You two will be able to reconcile and end up with an even stronger marriage. Only one way to found out.....

I truly do hope that's true. Life is short. Happiness is sometimes in short supply, too. We need all of it we can get.

[road]

My husband doesn't know.

 

We don't have 100% NC right now. We're in really minimal contact. He's a social media holdout, and I've deleted everything. His life is on his side of the country, mine is on mine. There's no chance our paths would cross.

 

 

 

Your BH must be told.

 

 

You must go NC with the OM as long as you are not in NC. There never will be a chance for you to recover your feelings for your BH.