which is the worse confession?

[BHsigh]

It is a good point, and in some ways, it goes back to the original question that I posed in this thread. I know that reconciliation is an unbelievably tough road, and that there's no guarantee my husband would even give me the chance. Sure, I'm afraid to confess. Who in their right mind wouldn't be? But beyond that, I want to make sure that, if I'm going to confess and cause my husband this unspeakable pain, that I'm in a place to really put my all into supporting him after the confession, and can tell him - honestly - that I choose him 100%.

 

I don't know. There have been some harsh replies here, but I do want to say that I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to share their thoughts.

 

Just remember, you've already caused him the unspeakable pain, he just doesn't know it yet.

[Furious]

The whole point of my thread is that I can't keep living like this. I need something to change, one way or another. I'm scared to confess, for a million reasons, but I think I'll have to eventually.

 

Gently...have you ever considered you may have passive aggressive tendencies.

 

Passive aggressiveness is rooted in the inability to handle conflict and in the same token be controlling in an indirect manner.

[drifter777]

I agree with everyone telling you that if you do confess, you have to confess all they way. Everything. He'll sense if you are withholding and then not be able to believe anything you tell him about the details he needs. He may not even be aware he is picking up on dishonest - which is what withholding is - but consciously or subconsciously he will know and it will have a huge impact on R if you decide to try.

 

I still say don't tell him anything about your cheating IF you resolve to commit to him and your marriage. Like I said before, you don't have to reconcile if you never tell him. He'll just think you want to work on making your marriage better.

[Scott Thomas]

Drifter, forgive me for saying this but I am shocked that you, of all people, would suggest that she continue the deception. I have read your posts and admire the courage you displayed during your reconciliation. Furthermore, I have always thought highly of your advice. However, Believe me when I say this, I expected you to be the last person telling her to continue lying. In any case, you're entitled to your opinions.

 

What happened to his rights? His right to spend his life with someone who loved him unconditionally? Cherished, valued and honoured him. You want him to spend the rest of his days living a lie? Your spouse is supposed to be the one person who is there for you and with whom you can share all your intimate secrets.

 

What happens if he finds out years down the road (recall I Say Whoa)

 

Don't tell and continue betraying him? Perhaps if this was a drunk one night stand. An EA/PA is an entirely different scenario.

[Waverly]

Gently...have you ever considered you may have passive aggressive tendencies.

 

Passive aggressiveness is rooted in the inability to handle conflict and in the same token be controlling in an indirect manner.

 

I definitely would rather avoid conflict, particularly in a situation like this where I'm clearly the one entirely at fault. As for being controlling, directly or not, I wouldn't really describe myself as such. If anything, I dislike being in a position of authority or control over others.

[drifter777]

Drifter, forgive me for saying this but I am shocked that you, of all people, would suggest that she continue the deception. I have read your posts and admire the courage you displayed during your reconciliation. Furthermore, I have always thought highly of your advice. However, Believe me when I say this, I expected you to be the last person telling her to continue lying. In any case, you're entitled to your opinions.

 

What happened to his rights? His right to spend his life with someone who loved him unconditionally? Cherished, valued and honoured him. You want him to spend the rest of his days living a lie? Your spouse is supposed to be the one person who is there for you and with whom you can share all your intimate secrets.

 

What happens if he finds out years down the road (recall I Say Whoa)

 

Don't tell and continue betraying him? Perhaps if this was a drunk one night stand. An EA/PA is an entirely different scenario.

What you don't know can't hurt you - as simple as that. From a philosophical angle, if he never knows then did it ever happen? Kind of like the tree falling in the forest thing.

 

Let me be clear about this; I wish I could un-know my wife's cheating. If I never knew than I wouldn't still have triggers. Ignorance on this subject is bliss. This isn't even a close call to me.

 

If busts her someday then does anyone really think it will be worse than finding out from her now? I'm sure some of you will say "yes", but I don't think the pain is all that different. As I said before, getting crushed by a 10 ton truck is probably pretty much the same as being crushed by a 100 ton truck. And if he never knows then he has been saved a ton of pain, anger, tortured mind, and humiliation.

[sidney2718]

Originally Posted by Waverly

I know this sounds stupid. But he was a good friend for ten years. I care about him.

 

Its not stupid. Its your choice. You are choosing him over your H. You have to do what is right for you. You can not stay married and keep this man as a friend. That is just the way life goes. So give up your H and keep him in your life.

 

That way your H is free to find a woman that will love him the way he deserves.

 

Clay

 

I agree with most of this. However, many married folks have good friends of the opposite sex. Most of those relationships are above board and perfectly fine.

 

The problem here is that Waverly recognizes that there is an emotional bond between her and the OM and she recognize that there is really no way that the two of them could have an affair. That ship has sailed. The major difference between this and most relationships between a married person and a person of the opposite sex is that the emotional tie between them influences her feelings about her husband and probably will for at least a while.

 

There is no way that I can see for Waverly to solve her problem. The best solution would be for her to try to put the OM out of her mind (fat chance) and out of her life (also fat chance). After that she can work on her marriage or divorce, as she and her husband see fit. This "best solution" will be painful all around. Most other choices would be, I think, deadly.

[Scott Thomas]

From a philosophical angle, if never knows then did it happen?

 

Err it did. From a philosophical angle, if I never went to school, I'd be inclined to think that the earth is flat and I would fall off if I ventured too far.

Doesn't change the fact that it's curved.

 

You chose to stay with your wife after her A. Waverly's husband also deserves the same choice.

 

The question isn't about hypothetical situations-it's about a human being's right to live a life the way they want. Why shouldn't he have the chance to find someone better or know the truth about his marriage? Because Waverly doesn't want a divorce? Why were his feelings not important before the A but are suddenly extremely valuable after the A?

 

As for finding out after a few years-this implies that those years were a lie. What if he feels betrayed, duped, misled and that he was deceived into working/sacrificing for a marriage that turned out to be a lie. What if he's too old to start over again and ends up resenting waverly for ruining his life? Will the anger be any worse? What is he thinks it is? There's a thread about this by a poster who discovered that her mother cheated years ago. Do you think her husband is happy with the fact that he worked hard and spent all those years earning for someone who broke her vows? If a divorce would be the result, why not separate now and spend those years finding someone else? If they reconcile, why not now so that by 3-5 years their marriage is sufficiently stronger.

 

Ultimately, the choice is Waverly's. We're there any other problems in your marriage before your A?

Have you reached a decision yet? Regardless of your decision, do remember that you will face the consequences, intended and unintended, of this choice. Be prepared for any eventuality.

[italianjob]

What you don't know can't hurt you - as simple as that. From a philosophical angle, if he never knows then did it ever happen? Kind of like the tree falling in the forest thing.

 

Let me be clear about this; I wish I could un-know my wife's cheating. If I never knew than I wouldn't still have triggers. Ignorance on this subject is bliss. This isn't even a close call to me.

 

If busts her someday then does anyone really think it will be worse than finding out from her now? I'm sure some of you will say "yes", but I don't think the pain is all that different. As I said before, getting crushed by a 10 ton truck is probably pretty much the same as being crushed by a 100 ton truck. And if he never knows then he has been saved a ton of pain, anger, tortured mind, and humiliation.

 

Yes, a lot worse.

It's an old movie, but have you ever seen "The Truman Show"?

I haven't been there, luckily, but this happened to a couple I know. The H found out 8 years later. He had all the pain you talk about and on top of that he felt just like the leading charachter from that movie, everybody knew it was just a fake world except him.

[Waverly]

I agree with most of this. However, many married folks have good friends of the opposite sex. Most of those relationships are above board and perfectly fine.

 

The problem here is that Waverly recognizes that there is an emotional bond between her and the OM and she recognize that there is really no way that the two of them could have an affair. That ship has sailed. The major difference between this and most relationships between a married person and a person of the opposite sex is that the emotional tie between them influences her feelings about her husband and probably will for at least a while.

 

There is no way that I can see for Waverly to solve her problem. The best solution would be for her to try to put the OM out of her mind (fat chance) and out of her life (also fat chance). After that she can work on her marriage or divorce, as she and her husband see fit. This "best solution" will be painful all around. Most other choices would be, I think, deadly.

 

I actually do have a few close male friends. My husband doesn't worry about any of them because (yes, I am cringing as I write this) he trusts me. But yes, obviously, the OM is different.

 

I'm trying to put him out of my mind and out of my life, believe it or not. We're in far less frequent communication than we were even a few weeks ago. I admit it hasn't been entirely my doing, but it's a fact nonetheless. At this point, I feel like even the current level of infrequent (and it genuinely is quite infrequent) communication is in its death throes. He did write to me this weekend, but it was, of all things, a two-line email to tell me that he was talking about getting divorced, but won't be. That's it. I don't know why he sent it, we didn't talk about it, we're not on the phone or sending anguished messages over what this means for "us". There is no us. It's over, and I've had an incredibly hard time dealing with that, but I'm trying. I'm not over it, but I'm a little bit closer than I was a while ago.

 

I think the key phrase you have there is "after that". After that, I can work on my marriage or divorce. I don't know which it will be. But I do want to get him out of my mind so that I can make that next step a little bit clearer.

[Waverly]

Ultimately, the choice is Waverly's. We're there any other problems in your marriage before your A? Have you reached a decision yet? Regardless of your decision, do remember that you will face the consequences, intended and unintended, of this choice. Be prepared for any eventuality.

 

Yes, of course there were problems. I know the correct thing to say is that the affair happened because of problems inside of me -- and that's true -- but I also can't imagine having had an affair if my marriage had been super strong at the time. So, yes, there were problems. That doesn't mean I earned the right to an affair, by any means, but it does mean that things weren't great. Was I considering divorce though? No.

 

No, I don't have a real decision. I can't really argue with the basic fact that he should be able to steer his own life based on a full knowledge of the facts. But in addition to the small minority here, I also have my counselor telling me that it's not necessary to disclose the full truth; I know she is looking out for my interests here, but I also have to think a little bit about the number of couples she's worked with over the years. That issue aside, I'm not totally convinced that she's the right therapist for me; I'm seeing someone new later this week to see if it's a better fit.

[not-so-sure]

Yes, of course there were problems. I know the correct thing to say is that the affair happened because of problems inside of me -- and that's true -- but I also can't imagine having had an affair if my marriage had been super strong at the time. So, yes, there were problems. That doesn't mean I earned the right to an affair, by any means, but it does mean that things weren't great. Was I considering divorce though? No.

 

No, I don't have a real decision. I can't really argue with the basic fact that he should be able to steer his own life based on a full knowledge of the facts. But in addition to the small minority here, I also have my counselor telling me that it's not necessary to disclose the full truth; I know she is looking out for my interests here, but I also have to think a little bit about the number of couples she's worked with over the years. That issue aside, I'm not totally convinced that she's the right therapist for me; I'm seeing someone new later this week to see if it's a better fit.

 

Right now I'm a bit of a fence sitter on the disclosure thing. I still feel like I had enough guilt and pain for the both of us, but like many here, ultimately felt that my wife should have all the facts about our relationship in her possession.

 

In retrospect, my motivations were probably more about getting her to make the decision on the relationship, and now that it's a few months later, she has decided to stay, and I'm still in a bit of a limbo. Improving, but still a ways from home I must admit. I am glad I decided to stay and tough it out (and glad for opportunity after disclosure) but my emotions are still dragging behind me unfortunately.

 

Also in retrospect, I feel I could probably have moved on with healing myself without the disclosure and while there was a risk of news coming to her from other avenues, it would have been extremely unlikely.

 

The point about the therapist (psychologist in my case) is that they are there to get *you* to where you want to be and to discover what it is *you* want to get out your time with them. They're not there to impose some moral imperative upon you. They can explore different avenues of action for you but they are not meant to bring you to a confession in circumstances like this. They are there for you to discover your own best course of action.

 

Now you've decided, it seems, your husband needs to know, the questions you really should asking yourself now are how, when, and why?

 

I've been reading this thread since it started and in many ways it could have been written by me. I have my own thread where I didn't reveal all of my emotions (or perhaps any of them really). You owe it to no-one to share your thoughts but I thank you for sharing. I am not alone, and if you choose to tell your husband, you will not be alone either

[Waverly]

Right now I'm a bit of a fence sitter on the disclosure thing. I still feel like I had enough guilt and pain for the both of us, but like many here, ultimately felt that my wife should have all the facts about our relationship in her possession.

 

In retrospect, my motivations were probably more about getting her to make the decision on the relationship, and now that it's a few months later, she has decided to stay, and I'm still in a bit of a limbo. Improving, but still a ways from home I must admit. I am glad I decided to stay and tough it out (and glad for opportunity after disclosure) but my emotions are still dragging behind me unfortunately.

 

Also in retrospect, I feel I could probably have moved on with healing myself without the disclosure and while there was a risk of news coming to her from other avenues, it would have been extremely unlikely.

 

The point about the therapist (psychologist in my case) is that they are there to get *you* to where you want to be and to discover what it is *you* want to get out your time with them. They're not there to impose some moral imperative upon you. They can explore different avenues of action for you but they are not meant to bring you to a confession in circumstances like this. They are there for you to discover your own best course of action.

 

Now you've decided, it seems, your husband needs to know, the questions you really should asking yourself now are how, when, and why?

 

I've been reading this thread since it started and in many ways it could have been written by me. I have my own thread where I didn't reveal all of my emotions (or perhaps any of them really). You owe it to no-one to share your thoughts but I thank you for sharing. I am not alone, and if you choose to tell your husband, you will not be alone either

 

Thanks so much for responding. I just read your thread, and I did see myself in some of your descriptions of how you felt about your marriage and your wife. Do you mind if I ask you how things have progressed since you confessed? It sounds like your wife has decided to stay; are you feeling more invested in your marriage as well? Were you able to fully move on from your feelings for your OW?

[not-so-sure]

Thanks so much for responding. I just read your thread, and I did see myself in some of your descriptions of how you felt about your marriage and your wife. Do you mind if I ask you how things have progressed since you confessed? It sounds like your wife has decided to stay; are you feeling more invested in your marriage as well? Were you able to fully move on from your feelings for your OW?

 

I'll keep your thoughts in this thread and head over to the other one and update it.

[aliveagain]

Your marriage will fail because you gave up on your marriage. Bringing a third party into it rather than working on the issues is a guarantee for failure. Even if you continue to lie and hide this from your husband you still know what you did, you have mortal secrets, marriage ending secrets, it can't survive because marriages with deceptive partners always fail. If your husband is drinking, guess what, he knows or suspects. Why did you allow this to happen, why have you chosen chaos over normalcy, why did you choose the path that will ultimately hurt your family the most, why wouldn't you just let your children have a normal life? What if it was your husband that was having unprotected sex with a neighbour for the last 4 or 5 months, what would you want for yourself? Can you decide to stop being so selfish and do whats best for your family instead of just protecting your a$$?

[BetrayedH]

A post by KathyM in another thread (one worth quoting)...

 

What is hurtful and destructive is the affair itself, not the honesty when it is confessed. Keeping it a secret is very self serving for the WS, not to mention very manipulative. It's deciding for your spouse what they can and cannot know over something which they have every right to know. I think what is most harmful is taking away a BS's right to the truth about their own life and to present a false image in order to manipulate the BS into staying. I think robbing a BS of their choice in life and deceiving them for a lifetime in order to get them to stay in a relationship with you is the worst thing you could do to the BS. Even worse than the infidelity itself. I also think living with the guilt without disclosing the affair is very destructive to the relationship because the couple is not able to have an authentic relationship when there is always this elephant in the room that the BS is not aware of. This lie and continued deception prevents true intimacy. It prevents the couple from truly processing and working on the relationship in the way it needs to be worked on. Not disclosing, and trying to go through life with that lie hanging over the marriage is like putting a band aid on a gaping wound and never treating the wound itself, but only covering it up temporarily hoping it will heal on its own. I don't believe true intimacy can come from a heinous lie and deception that lasts a lifetime. That is the most manipulative, selfish, dishonest and unfair thing a WS can do is to force a BS to live his life in the dark without ever knowing the truth of their relationship and who they are married to. To take away one of the most important choices he has in life. Nobody has a right to do that--to deny his spouse the truth about something so important and which impacts the BS's life so greatly. True healing comes from being honest with your spouse, being forgiven by your spouse, working through the issues that contributed to the affair together, and coming to a place of restoration, where love and trust is regained. Otherwise, it's all a facade. A manipulation. Which no one has a right to do to another person. To deceive a spouse for a lifetime, be dishonest with them for a lifetime, and deny them their choice about their own life and manipulate them to stay unknowingly in a fake marriage is the most cruel thing you could do to a spouse. Being honest with your spouse is not the cruel thing. It is the path to recovery. Without truth, there is no true recovery. Just a facade. A manipulation. And if the truth results in the BS deciding to leave the marriage, then recovery and healing happens separately for both parties, where both parties can move on with their life with full knowledge of the truth.

[road]

I actually do have a few close male friends. My husband doesn't worry about any of them because (yes, I am cringing as I write this) he trusts me. But yes, obviously, the OM is different.

 

I'm trying to put him out of my mind and out of my life, believe it or not. We're in far less frequent communication than we were even a few weeks ago. I admit it hasn't been entirely my doing, but it's a fact nonetheless. At this point, I feel like even the current level of infrequent (and it genuinely is quite infrequent) communication is in its death throes. He did write to me this weekend, but it was, of all things, a two-line email to tell me that he was talking about getting divorced, but won't be. That's it. I don't know why he sent it, we didn't talk about it, we're not on the phone or sending anguished messages over what this means for "us". There is no us. It's over, and I've had an incredibly hard time dealing with that, but I'm trying. I'm not over it, but I'm a little bit closer than I was a while ago.

 

I think the key phrase you have there is "after that". After that, I can work on my marriage or divorce. I don't know which it will be. But I do want to get him out of my mind so that I can make that next step a little bit clearer.

 

 

 

OM is a player stringing you along.

[road]

Yes, of course there were problems. I know the correct thing to say is that the affair happened because of problems inside of me -- and that's true -- but I also can't imagine having had an affair if my marriage had been super strong at the time. So, yes, there were problems. That doesn't mean I earned the right to an affair, by any means, but it does mean that things weren't great. Was I considering divorce though? No.

 

No, I don't have a real decision. I can't really argue with the basic fact that he should be able to steer his own life based on a full knowledge of the facts. But in addition to the small minority here, I also have my counselor telling me that it's not necessary to disclose the full truth; I know she is looking out for my interests here, but I also have to think a little bit about the number of couples she's worked with over the years. That issue aside, I'm not totally convinced that she's the right therapist for me; I'm seeing someone new later this week to see if it's a better fit.

 

 

 

Most counselors fail because they put forth their client first not repairing the marriage. They tell the client things to make the client feel good so they keep coming and keep getting paid.

[Waverly]

Aliveagain: It's my xAP who is drinking, not my husband. As for your other questions... well, read the last 12 pages to see that I obviously don't have clear answers to them.

 

BH: You know I can't argue with anything in there.

 

Road: Oh, Road. I do appreciate your bluntness. As for OM being a player or stringing me along...I don't know if I agree. I don't know why he sent that. Sending me a two-line message affirming that he's staying married isn't exactly making me hold onto hope that we'll have some silly fairy-tale ending. If anything, it's pushing me away.

 

As for my counselor... I know she's looking out for my own interests. I don't know if I'm cynical enough to think it's just so I feel good and keep coming back week after week. But she knows that repairing my marriage is something that's obviously on my mind. So even though my husband isn't her priority, my own stability is. Does that make sense?

[Bittersweetie]

I actually do have a few close male friends. My husband doesn't worry about any of them because (yes, I am cringing as I write this) he trusts me. But yes, obviously, the OM is different.

 

 

Just a note to point out, if you do disclose and choose reconciliation, please be prepared to give up all these other male friendships as well. It may seem "unfair," however you have proven that you cannot recognize boundaries.

 

I do have a few male friends, but they are "friends of the marriage", friends of both of us. If these guys are "friends of the marriage" then it may be ok...it's up to your H to decide.

[Sub]

What you don't know can't hurt you - as simple as that. From a philosophical angle, if he never knows then did it ever happen? Kind of like the tree falling in the forest thing.

 

I don't understand this logic at all. If we followed this "angle", why not just continuing having an affair? Then maybe another? As long as he doesn't know, what's the harm? Who's to say this rationale doesn't enable the WS to either continue with an A or have another one down the line?

 

 

Let me be clear about this; I wish I could un-know my wife's cheating. If I never knew than I wouldn't still have triggers. Ignorance on this subject is bliss. This isn't even a close call to me.

 

What you wish is that she wasn't dishonest in the first place by cheating. You don't cover up dishonesty with more dishonesty. You should know who your wife truly is, warts and all.

 

 

If busts her someday then does anyone really think it will be worse than finding out from her now? I'm sure some of you will say "yes", but I don't think the pain is all that different.

 

If my WW had come clean herself instead of me finding out, it would have been so much less painful. The biggest obstacle to R initially was what I perceived as her unwillingness to disclose anything, to keep me in the dark for whatever reason. If she had initiated disclosure, I would have felt respected and definitely more loved, like she wanted me to truly be a part of her whole life.

[katielee]

 

 

 

 

If my WW had come clean herself instead of me finding out, it would have been so much less painful. .

 

have you thought if he finds out another way than your confession? This is what may sink my marriage - not the affairs, the lying. It doesn't say anything about me, but it says a WHOLE LOT about my husband. The word coward was said a few times...

[BHsigh]

What you don't know can't hurt you - as simple as that. From a philosophical angle, if he never knows then did it ever happen? Kind of like the tree falling in the forest thing.

 

I beg to differ, plenty of what you don't know can hurt you. You don't know when a virus enters your body, you don't even know that it's there until you start to see or feel the symptoms, and by then you are already infected and the damage is being done.

 

When a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, the impact from the falling still has many effects. The tree may hit another tree on it's way down, it may destroy birds nests, squirrel holes, bee's nest or any number of other animals living spaces. The sound waves and pressure from the fall (which are still transmitted regardless of hearing capacity around it) may dislodge any number of animals, leaves, branches etc. from a number of trees around it. Indeed, this single act of destruction may destroy countless lives around it, possible for miles, lives that you never knew had anything to do with this tree.

 

Much like an affair, no one may know that the affair happened, but it's reverberations can and will be felt, regardless of how much the WS thinks that they can hide it.

[Owl]

You have to understand something...as a result of your affair, your husband's trust in you will be shattered (rightfully so, keep in mind).

 

Not every BS goes through the massive Q&A routine...some, as Drifter has indicated, don't want to know much if anything about the affair. But, the vast majority do need to hear the whole story. They need to understand exactly what it is that they're being asked to forgive the WS for. The size, scope, width, breadth, and depth of the betrayal.

 

So it's entirely possible (even probable) that your H may well want to read any emails/texts/etc... that you've exchanged with OM.

 

Yes, it'll suck for him. And for you.

 

But the only way to rebuild that shattered and destroyed trust is by demonstrating to him that you're NOW behaving in a trustworthy fashion, and will continue to do so in the future even when it's painful for you to do so...where you avoided doing so before.

 

No offense...but it seems to me that you've been delaying this long enough.

 

If you're going to tell...it needs to happen NOW, not next week/month/year/decade.

 

There will never be a "right time" to do this, nor will you ever be comfortable with doing it...you shouldn't be.

 

But...that's all the more reason to get it done before you talk yourself out of it.

 

Hadn't seen a response to my post. Specifically, I wanted to ensure that OP read the part in bold.

[Waverly]

Hadn't seen a response to my post. Specifically, I wanted to ensure that OP read the part in bold.

 

Sorry, Owl. Yes, I did see it; apologies for not responding. Your words are in my head though.