It's been coming, and now it's here. Wife having affair, I'm prepping for divorce

[VanillaLife]

I'm male in early fourties, been married nearly a decade and a half, with two kids either side of 10 years old. We are "living the dream" on the outside but the passion left the marriage years ago, maybe it was never really there to begin with. Anyway I have now just found out she is knee deep in an affair with a guy locally (who is also married with kids, going to be a cluster I can see it). I love the woman dearly but I do not think either of us are "in love" or have been for years. This has been coming for a while.

 

However I have several concerns. I'm the earner, and a pretty big earner at that. I absolutely do not want to end up in a situation where him and her are living of off me. I absolutely want to support my kids, but not these two grown adults. The can f*** each other but not me! What is my best approach here?

 

Second I want to get 50/50 custody of the kids and would appreciate guidance there from experience. I don't want them taken away from there mother which is unlikely anyway but I do not want to be the once a month weekend dad. I absolutely adore these kids and want them to continue growing up knowing ME as Dad not this other guy.

 

Otherwise looking for general banter, support, therapy etc While it is not actually a surprise, when it hits you, it knocks you out.

 

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with the best divorce attorney I am aware of in my county, so I am already covering that base. Right now she (wife) does not know I know. I am going to wait to confront until I know and understand my future options much better. I think she and him are plotting their "escape" together thinking me and his wife don't know.

 

Oh that's the other thing... once I have lined up my ducks, what are people's thought on me approaching her? To be clear we consider ourselves family friends. Last time I saw this couple we were at local restaurants and we were all cheers with the wine and swapping happy family stories.

[Mr.Milked]

In my state...

 

 

#1) I would file for absolute divorce due to her infidelity.

 

 

#2) I would petition for homestead property; (meaning as long as the kids are minors, I am maintaining the home.) Meaning, she decided to blow up the family and she can leave the house/apartment.

 

 

#3) My attorney would draft an agreement for her to sign where I would maintain the "homestead property" in in lieu of any child support or alimony, maintenance.

 

 

#4) If your attorney isn't willing to make this happen and also fight for your right to maintain your acquired assets, get another attorney.

 

 

#5) Don't drag this out, be quick and swift.

 

 

#6) Why settle for 50/50 ???

[VanillaLife]

Thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated. A huge newbie here to this whole thing, obviously.

 

If I am reading you correctly because she is the one having the affair, I can basically have her kicked out of the house, keep the kids here, and her and loverboy can go f** off and find their own place? And support themselves?

 

I actually do not want to separate the kids from their mother, but I will if it means she does not separate them from me, if that makes sense?

 

I am in NC btw, I have no idea on the law here. I do know the lawyer I have picked is very sharp and takes no prisoners, which is exactly what I want.

[GorillaTheater]

The above is a good list. I'd add:

 

- Interview every family lawyer in your area that you possibly can. That alone will preclude that attorney from representing her.

 

- No warning for your wife prior to service of your petition. Maintain the tactical advantage.

 

- Start carrying a VAR (voice-activated recorder) with you at all times when you're around her. I don't know about your state, but apparently false domestic abuse charges are rife around here, to get the husband out of the house and put him on the defensive in a big way and maybe permanently. A VAR would go a long ways towards countering any false allegations.

[VanillaLife]

The above is a good list. I'd add:

 

- Interview every family lawyer in your area that you possibly can. That alone will preclude that attorney from representing her.

 

- No warning for your wife prior to service of your petition. Maintain the tactical advantage.

 

- Start carrying a VAR (voice-activated recorder) with you at all times when you're around her. I don't know about your state, but apparently false domestic abuse charges are rife around here, to get the husband out of the house and put him on the defensive in a big way and maybe permanently. A VAR would go a long ways towards countering any false allegations.

 

Again shrewd advice. I do like the last point. Kids might help, they know I would not lay a finger on her. But better to cover options

 

I had read about the second point of scoping out each attorney. I may try to go to a few. At $750 for a consultation though might be expensive, though I certainly appreciate a bad settlement will cost me many multiples of that down the road.

 

 

Thanks folks this is tremendously helpful and supportive. I only found out last night she's f**ing this other guy though I suspected it for a few weeks

[VanillaLife]

Sorry one other wrinkle to consider... right now we are in a freakin huge McMansion that is way too big, but I kept paying it to keep the family happy. Well now I am done with that, so I actually want to put this place for sale and downsize to something normal. Will that screw up the plan to keep the homestead? It's not like I'd move to a hovel but down from like 5.5k sq ft to something like 3k.

[GorillaTheater]

This is a great resource for you as a father:

 

Divorce Information for Men and Fathers | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com

 

Pay special attention to "The List" and read over their forum.

 

You sound like you have your head on straight, even this early in the game. That will serve you extremely well, brother. You can handle this.

[GorillaTheater]

Sorry one other wrinkle to consider... right now we are in a freakin huge McMansion that is way too big, but I kept paying it to keep the family happy. Well now I am done with that, so I actually want to put this place for sale and downsize to something normal. Will that screw up the plan to keep the homestead? It's not like I'd move to a hovel but down from like 5.5k sq ft to something like 3k.

 

A question for your lawyer. I'm not sure anyone here is qualified to say what the ramifications may be. About the only thing I can say on that point is to NEVER leave the family home, even if that means the misery of temporarily sharing it with your STBXW.

[pteromom]

Yes, see an attorney so you can get options. Don't plan on "homesteading" or what custody arrangement you want to make until you see an attorney. Laws could be different in your state.

 

Your attorney will tell you your options in regard to custody, finances, your home, etc.

 

The one thing I recommend though is to go into robot-mode. Do not make decisions based on a need for revenge or a desire to hurt your STBX. Be fair and logical and focus on handling the divorce as if you were dissolving a business partnership.

 

You don't want to do/say anything that comes back to bite you in the butt.

 

AND...

 

This is still your children's mother. Their best interests should be at the forefront of your mind at all times.

[VanillaLife]

Thanks everybody. Again very helpful and supportive.

 

And yes pteromom she IS the mother of my kids and an awesome mother at that and I do not want to take that away from my kids. but i would rather do all this from a position of control rather than clawing from the back, if that makes sense. i'd rather it be my decision to play nice, rather than having to

[gotsohosed]

Vanilla Life, are you in North Carolina? I am about to start the process here. My attorney said I would be at a disadvantage if I moved out before a separation agreement was signed just like an above post mentioned. I can not image living under those conditions but I do not have a choice.

I hope all goes well for you. You seem pretty put together for what happened. I am a mess.

[stillafool]

I can pretty much guarantee that when push comes to shove your wifes affair partner is not going to leave his wife and kids to be with your wife. She is in for a big shocker and disappointment. Read around this board and you will see that the MM rarely leaves his wife and kids for the OW.

[VanillaLife]

Vanilla Life, are you in North Carolina? I am about to start the process here. My attorney said I would be at a disadvantage if I moved out before a separation agreement was signed just like an above post mentioned. I can not image living under those conditions but I do not have a choice.

I hope all goes well for you. You seem pretty put together for what happened. I am a mess.

 

Yes I am here in NC. I have no plans on moving out. We have a couple of spare rooms I will be ok with using. For now I am doing the charade and sleeping in the same bed. Remember I only had it confirmed last night, so last night was rough and I did not sleep at all, but tonight copious amounts of wine and the knowledge I have already gleaned, along with knowing I am seeing a top attorney tomorrow, will see me rest well by her side tonight.

[bubbaganoosh]

One thing. when your wife is served, be sure to have the evidence you have and let the OM wife know the day your wife is served because she will no doubt contact the OM and he will come up with some kind of story to make you look like a crazy man.

[VanillaLife]

I can pretty much guarantee that when push comes to shove your wifes affair partner is not going to leave his wife and kids to be with your wife. She is in for a big shocker and disappointment. Read around this board and you will see that the MM rarely leaves his wife and kids for the OW.

 

I am definitely not banking on that, but for sure the guy is thinking with his d**k right now and not his head and that will certainly work to my advantage. I am used to very complex litigation in my job so I actually somewhat relish taking these two on. They are both super-human fit machines, but I am focusing on brain rather than brawn here

[bubbaganoosh]

Yes I am here in NC. I have no plans on moving out. We have a couple of spare rooms I will be ok with using.

 

 

Wrong! she cheated, not you. Make her stay in the spare rooms and you keep your bedroom. Don't feel sorry for her. she's the one who caused this mess and she has to pay for her behavior.

[VanillaLife]

One thing. when your wife is served, be sure to have the evidence you have and let the OM wife know the day your wife is served because she will no doubt contact the OM and he will come up with some kind of story to make you look like a crazy man.

 

Thanks again helpful advice. One to discuss with the lawyer but interested in thoughts... do I hire a PI to get photos of them in the act? Not necessarily full on but some public kissing. I saw on her messages they were meeting at some park which I am sure resulted in some inappropriate PDA's.

 

PS this is all so crazy. This weekend we were out skiing in the West and a friend commented on what a perfect family we looked. Tonight I am writing this and she is sat 10 feet away and on her iPhone certainly texting this f**er.

[bubbaganoosh]

Thanks again helpful advice. One to discuss with the lawyer but interested in thoughts... do I hire a PI to get photos of them in the act? Not necessarily full on but some public kissing. I saw on her messages they were meeting at some park which I am sure resulted in some inappropriate PDA's.

 

PS this is all so crazy. This weekend we were out skiing in the West and a friend commented on what a perfect family we looked. Tonight I am writing this and she is sat 10 feet away and on her iPhone certainly texting this f**er.

 

If you can afford a PI then by all means hire him. The more you have, the harder it is for her to deny. I don't know how it will hold up in court. Is NC a no fault state?

[VanillaLife]

If you can afford a PI then by all means hire him. The more you have, the harder it is for her to deny. I don't know how it will hold up in court. Is NC a no fault state?

 

No fault? Sorry I only decided I am divorcing today. I don't even know what means lol. Seriously I still have a lot to learn. I do want to make sure I have sufficient evidence at the very least so this other lady she knows. She is very nice and I don't want the two of them making out I am some crackpot

[bubbaganoosh]

No Fault means that it doesn't matter if she cheated with one guy or the entire NFL. Everything is cut and dry down the middle.

[SoleMate]

I agree with the advice above to try to keep it civil. If you and your STBXW can both establish households within a short distance of each other (1-2 mi is ideal), then it's easy to execute a 1 week on/1 week off custody setup. That prevents the weekend/theme park Dad syndrome.

[VanillaLife]

No Fault means that it doesn't matter if she cheated with one guy or the entire NFL. Everything is cut and dry down the middle.

 

Looks like NC is a no fault state. Does that mean her infidelity is of no real relevance? Or does it still help me establish some form of upper hand?

[bubbaganoosh]

IMO it doesn't mean anything in court. The way it's set up now is 50-50. If you agree who gets the house then you sell it and divide the proceeds after the payoff of the mortgage.

 

One thing I know is if you know this marriage is heading no where, then file, end it, and get on with your life.

 

Your not going to lose your kids. They know who their dad is and if you get 50-50 great, and If you get every other weekend, then you make sure that it's quality time spent with them. You won't lose them.

 

If you have the proof, then lay the card out on the table, let her know that she's was dancing to the music on your dime and now it's time to pay the piper. Give her the papers and let the OM wife know either by phone call or go over and show her. Make a copy of all you have and let her deal with him.

 

If she hands you a sob story, chances are she's sorry only because she was caught. Be prepared for a ton of crying.

[trippi1432]

Looks like NC is a no fault state. Does that mean her infidelity is of no real relevance? Or does it still help me establish some form of upper hand?

 

Actually yes, it does mean that. I'm in NC too, but my exH and I had a pre-nupt....so I got to keep my property, I still hired the best attorney in my county though, just in case he and his AP had any ideas about going after my assets.

 

NC does support Alienation of Affection lawsuits however. What do you know about the other guy....you go after him in the lawsuit. Google it....lots of info.

[TheBladeRunner]

A question for your lawyer. I'm not sure anyone here is qualified to say what the ramifications may be. About the only thing I can say on that point is to NEVER leave the family home, even if that means the misery of temporarily sharing it with your STBXW.

 

Agreed! In my state I had to have a custody agreement in place otherwise she could have kept me from seeing my child until there is a custody hearing which around here can take up to 4 months. Don't leave until you have done that!

 

ALSO OP, don't sweat the kids thinking the other D-Bag is their dad.....you will ALWAYS be their dad. I worried about this w/ my daughter as she is very young, and even she thinks the "new guy" is a meathead.