It's been coming, and now it's here. Wife having affair, I'm prepping for divorce

[VanillaLife]

Actually yes, it does mean that. I'm in NC too, but my exH and I had a pre-nupt....so I got to keep my property, I still hired the best attorney in my county though, just in case he and his AP had any ideas about going after my assets.

 

NC does support Alienation of Affection lawsuits however. What do you know about the other guy....you go after him in the lawsuit. Google it....lots of info.

 

Thanks .... this is very helpful... plan to discuss with atty

[VanillaLife]

Agreed! In my state I had to have a custody agreement in place otherwise she could have kept me from seeing my child until there is a custody hearing which around here can take up to 4 months. Don't leave until you have done that!

 

ALSO OP, don't sweat the kids thinking the other D-Bag is their dad.....you will ALWAYS be their dad. I worried about this w/ my daughter as she is very young, and even she thinks the "new guy" is a meathead.

 

Thanks for the support. The irony is this other guy is not a douche, if we wasn't f***ng my wife I'd say he's a decent guy. It will be important long term to make this work for the kids.

 

I have no plans on leaving the house. I am pretty good at keeping my s**t together during emotional distress.

[aliveagain]

Alienation of Affection can be hard to prove, protect your proof off site, it will scare the sh*t out of other man but may also cause problems for your wife so be careful what you share with the other betrayed spouse. Very likely the threat of it will help you negotiate a better settlement. Cary a voice activated recorder on you when you confront her. You wouldn't the first betrayed husband to be falsely charged with assault on confrontation. Listen to your lawyer, protect your children and your finances, don't fund her affair. No matter what, none of this is your fault, accept no blame for her infidelity.

[worldgonewrong]

- Start carrying a VAR (voice-activated recorder) with you at all times when you're around her. I don't know about your state, but apparently false domestic abuse charges are rife around here, to get the husband out of the house and put him on the defensive in a big way and maybe permanently. A VAR would go a long ways towards countering any false allegations.

 

But in some states it is ILLEGAL to record someone without their consent.

That whole bit of evidence could be chucked out of court, depending on the state.

[pteromom]

 

And yes pteromom she IS the mother of my kids and an awesome mother at that and I do not want to take that away from my kids. but i would rather do all this from a position of control rather than clawing from the back, if that makes sense. i'd rather it be my decision to play nice, rather than having to

 

You gain control by being the one to file, and by being prepared.

 

I understand wanting that. I think anyone would.

 

She is going to be very upset, and you know better than us if she is a vindictive person. If so, you definitely should take extra measures to protect yourself.

 

Hopefully though, you can get her on board with an amicable divorce where you can remain good co-parents.

[GorillaTheater]

But in some states it is ILLEGAL to record someone without their consent.

That whole bit of evidence could be chucked out of court, depending on the state.

 

This is true, but if I'm going to err, I'm going to err on the side of covering my butt. As it happens, a quick google search indicates that North Carolina (and most states) is a one-party state, meaning that so long as one party (the OP) knows a conversation is being recorded, he's good to go.

[VanillaLife]

Thanks everybody you have all been tremendously helpful and supportive

 

Met with the atty today who was excellent. Yes it's a no fault state but if I can prove her infidelity then she will not be entitled to any alimony (as long as - interestingly enough - I do not have sex with her - as that is considered forgiving the affair - oh well there goes the wild breakup sex lol). Given her and the OM's lack of income they will not be able to afford our current home so she will have to leave and I will retain the family home. We are going to use the alienation threat as a point of leverage. I can record conversations as long as I am a party to them, i.e. if it is us and her speaking that is legal, if I leave a tape recorder in the bedroom while I am out that is not. I don't think she is vindictive, but my initial approach will be shock and awe and as such it may back her into a corner so I will be getting a recording device.

 

Key next step is getting real evidence, email not enough, need to hire a PI and catch them in the "act" (which means in reality pictures of them kissing or cuddling or being together affectionately in public and then having putting them inside some place like a hotel or home where they could conceivably be 'at it'). Then they will find some paperwork heading their way.

 

At this point I am real curious if *his* wife is in the same boat as me and aware of what's going on. But I've been advised not to interact with her as she may have claims on my wife's assets under the alienation concept. Shame she's smoking hot we'd all probably be best served if we just swapped wives lol

[No Limit]

Shame she's smoking hot we'd all probably be best served if we just swapped wives lol

 

Well, since you can't have hot breakup sex with your wife and his wife might soon be breaking up as well...

 

But seriously pal, for a 'noob' you're doing pretty well. I actually can't wait for your post about revealing it, be sure to count the number of shades of green her face will turn into.

[VanillaLife]

Well, since you can't have hot breakup sex with your wife and his wife might soon be breaking up as well...

 

But seriously pal, for a 'noob' you're doing pretty well. I actually can't wait for your post about revealing it, be sure to count the number of shades of green her face will turn into.

 

I would definitely be open to some fun with her, let's see where this goes!

 

Appreciate it. I am in an odd and unique circumstance where the grief most people feel at break up I've already felt over the past 3-4 years, and now this is almost like a game. Just engaged a PI and had some fun with him, we already found their "place" where they are going to get it on. Next time they go they will be unknowingly making a porno And that porno will bury them

[Trep]

I would definitely be open to some fun with her, let's see where this goes!

 

Appreciate it. I am in an odd and unique circumstance where the grief most people feel at break up I've already felt over the past 3-4 years, and now this is almost like a game. Just engaged a PI and had some fun with him, we already found their "place" where they are going to get it on. Next time they go they will be unknowingly making a porno And that porno will bury them

 

All I can say is...I really want to shout you a beer right about now.

[VanillaLife]

All I can say is...I really want to shout you a beer right about now.

 

Thanks ! Getting plastered on wine right now as that's the only way I can cope with sleeping with the b****. Gotta keep up pretences

[aliveagain]

Thanks ! Getting plastered on wine right now as that's the only way I can cope with sleeping with the b****. Gotta keep up pretences

 

Don't forget, you have a headache, forever.

[trippi1432]

Yes it's a no fault state but if I can prove her infidelity then she will not be entitled to any alimony (as long as - interestingly enough - I do not have sex with her - as that is considered forgiving the affair - oh well there goes the wild breakup sex lol).

 

Ah, the Bible Belt, gotta love it. I've heard it also resets the one year separation requirement, so best to refrain and don't allow yourself to be seduced either while on the wine. If it happens, do not make it public knowledge as it would just be your word against hers.

 

Good on hiring the PI to get the goods on them. Just on some state laws (and some are really stupid), but if they check in to a motel under the same last name, that is considered under NC law to be legally married. Perhaps you can get her on the grounds of bigomy if you catch them on that. It's also a state law that a spouse cannot have sex outside of their marriage. There's plenty of state laws that you can use for cheating spouses. However, some are really outrageous and outdated (like it's legal for a husband to beat his wife so long as it's in public on a Sunday on the courthouse steps). And we wonder what our politicians are up to in this state. lol.

 

Good luck, sounds like you have a good handle on things, know it's not easy and infidelity is a crap deal but it will get better when it's all over and done with so you can move on with your life.

[VanillaLife]

Thanks folks. Yeah this morning woke up with headache and a little heartache. Can't be a machine all the time.

 

Think we've found their spot and it's an effing car park. Like a couple of teenagers in the back of a pickup truck. I thought she had more class!

 

Today is the day to see all the other top lawyers and conflict them out of the picture

[MsOptimist]

Just wanted to throw my support out to you. You seem to have a good handle on things, especially with the recent legal advice. It's also good that you see your stbxw for who she is, a liar and a cheat. It's a harsh reality to face when the person you married isn't the person you thought they were, but you'll be better off in the end.

 

Your situation is very much like my boyfriend's. He was early 40s when he caught his wife cheating and he immediately sought a PI and retained a lawyer and proceeded to end the marriage (he's now 3 yrs post-divorce).

 

We are also in a no-fault state. I don't know all of the legal issues when it comes to children (I was also blindsided in my divorce but we had no kids). Initially he was going to go for sole custody of his 2 kids, but that would have cost a fortune (according to the attorneys) to try to pull off. He does now have 50/50 custody and usually has them closer to 60% of the time each week. Just want to give you hope that you'll be more than a weekend dad.

 

You will have more emotional days ahead, it's a normal part of the process. You'll be grieving the loss of the marriage you thought you had and the future you wanted. You'll go through all of the stages of grieving. Once she moves and things physically start separating and the kids ask more questions it's tough but you'll all be ok. Be the stability that your kids need during this crazy time.

[aliveagain]

Thanks folks. Yeah this morning woke up with headache and a little heartache. Can't be a machine all the time.

 

Think we've found their spot and it's an effing car park. Like a couple of teenagers in the back of a pickup truck. I thought she had more class!

 

Today is the day to see all the other top lawyers and conflict them out of the picture

 

What a class act, they have security video camera's in car parks, they may already be internet celebrities.

[VanillaLife]

@MsOptimist - thanks for that, always helpful to hear from someone similarly situated. I really do not want sole custody, for all the issues this woman is an exceptional mother and I do not want to deny my kids their mom. 50/50 will be the best for everyone IMHO. I'm hoping that in 3 years time I will have moved on, found someone new and I will be feeling positive too

 

 

I still can't over this idea of doing it in a pickup truck in a carpark. I had thoughts of an affair and always envisaged whisking someone off to some Ritz Carlton somewhere, lots of champagne, "nice" massages at the spa followed by "naughty" ones in the room lol Not the back of a f**ing truck. Maybe now I am seeing why we weren't a good fit!

[Chi townD]

Well, if the PI gets the goods on them, just let him or her tell you that they got it. I would strongly advise you NOT to watch it for yourself. If you see it, you might lose it and go off on her; thus, losing the upperhand and the element of surprise. Just have the PI give it to your lawyer.

 

 

ALWAYS KEEP A VAR ON YOU! Record everything especially on DDay and after. Your wife will be like a wounded animal caught in a corner. And what do cornered animals do? They strike back. She could threaten you with false allegations. So, make sure you have everything on tape.

[VanillaLife]

Well, if the PI gets the goods on them, just let him or her tell you that they got it. I would strongly advise you NOT to watch it for yourself. If you see it, you might lose it and go off on her; thus, losing the upperhand and the element of surprise. Just have the PI give it to your lawyer.

 

 

ALWAYS KEEP A VAR ON YOU! Record everything especially on DDay and after. Your wife will be like a wounded animal caught in a corner. And what do cornered animals do? They strike back. She could threaten you with false allegations. So, make sure you have everything on tape.

 

Good advice. I'm a bit more emotional at this point than I have been so I will not look to see those pics. I am fairly certain we will get them today because I take my boy to soccer on Thursday's and she just asked me take my daughter along too because "she wants to go running". Last time I remember you went running by putting one foot in front of the other rather than lying back with them spread wide but hey who am I to know?

 

And yes I am getting a mailbox set up today so I can order a VAR and have it delivered discreetly. When the s**t hits the fans I expect it to spread far and wide

[Chi townD]

Dude, you don't have to have one delivered. A good one is about $40-$50 bucks at Walmart or Best Buy.

[VanillaLife]

Dude, you don't have to have one delivered. A good one is about $40-$50 bucks at Walmart or Best Buy.

 

really? oh cool. i know where i am going today!

[Purepony]

Just make sure that you log off your computer because you said you were typing this. You ddon't want her doing a search engine check and see you on Love Shack

[VanillaLife]

Just make sure that you log off your computer because you said you were typing this. You ddon't want her doing a search engine check and see you on Love Shack

 

I'm using a computer she doesn't use which I lock when not here. I am curious about leaving online traces though. I have tried to keep out identifiable info

[2.50 a gallon]

VL

 

No doubt you have your chit together

 

But, be warned divorce is War! You can read about it, but until you are in the battlefield you don't know how you'll react.

 

Also you need prepare yourself for the possibility she might want you back. I caught my Ex cheating, kicked her out, she moved in with the OM, and every chance she got she went out of her way to rub salt in the wound, and tell me what a prize he was. And yes, even though I threw her out, it still hurt like heII

 

I was lucky as we didn't have any kids, so I was able to just walk away.

 

In order for me to heal, I tried to get back into the dating game

 

A little over a month after the break up, a neighbor held another BBQ and invited her and the OM over. She came by early, to visit with our cats. Actually it was to pour more salt in the wound. As she got ready to leave she threw her can of soda in the trash and noticed an empty bottle of champagne and knowing what that meant headed straight to the bedroom, and knew I had not spent the night alone.

 

She immediately fell to the flour, crying and begging for a second chance. She even went to far as to go outside and at the top of her lungs let the neighborhood know, that the OM was worthless in bed.

 

It was the hardest day of my life, far worse than d-day, having to tell the woman that I loved enough to marry, that there was no chance.

[VanillaLife]

Yeah well today was a tough, tough day. First really emotional day so far.

 

Started off this morning when she posted on FB her usual #TBT picture. Don't know how she did it but she picked the pic of her I happen to think was the day she was at her utmost most beautiful. She looks like a super-model. That tugged on me.

 

Then we went to lunch together to a place we go nearly every day. We are like their best clients. Anyway out of nowhere when they brought our food as usual but brought us a bunch of goodies and thanked us for being such nice clients and always coming in.; F*** I nearly balled it crying right there and then. Couldn't finish my food, wife didn't understand what was wrong with me.

 

Then I was *sure* they were going to meet up and I'd get the evidence, but didn't happen, and now I am back on edge waiting for next step.

 

And then to top it all I had that make-up sex urge. We were both in the bathroom, she was getting ready to go out exercising. She was looking happy and I have to go to say it's probably the first time in like 5 years where I looked at her and thought "s**t I'd like to f**k you right now". How TF does that happen?

 

So yes when this escalates beyond this stage I get it's going to get a hell of a lot worse before it gets better. At least tomorrow I go see another lawyer and that will get my mind back on the game rather than the emotional side of it. I will conflict the two of them out of every decent lawyer in the county before the reveal