It's been coming, and now it's here. Wife having affair, I'm prepping for divorce

[2sunny]

The sex. Sex is a given for vacations.

 

Wear protection!!!

[VanillaLife]

The sex. Sex is a given for vacations.

 

Wear protection!!!

 

Well actually not in this relationship. We have been in a sexless relationship for a while, that is obviously a big factor in why she has sought it elsewhere. We won't be having any sex

[Scott Thomas]

You mentioned that the OM is a bit religious and a member if the tea party movement.

Since they make a big fuss about their principals and morals, why not 'out' the OM? He's happy bedding your soon to be ex W, why shouldn't his social reputation suffer?

On another note, good luck.

If it's of any use, try recalling how Rambo, Bourne and Bond act when they're betrayed (not literally-we don't want you to burn down the entire town)

Edited March 22, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[VanillaLife]

You mentioned that the OM is a bit religious and a member if the tea party movement.

Since they make a big fuss about their principals and morals, why not 'out' the OM? He's happy bedding your soon to be ex W, why shouldn't his social reputation suffer?

On another note, good luck.

If it's of any use, try recalling how Rambo, Bourne and Bond act when they're betrayed (not literally-we don't want you to burn down the entire town)

 

For absolute sure I am going to out him at the appropriate time

[Iguanna]

I read your whole thread and I'm wondering, don't you have any feelings about this woman? I mean, you once married her, had kids with her, and now you are talking about her like you hate her. Not once have you stated that you love her, that you'll miss her, that you wish things were not like this. Why did you stop having sex? You are the victim here of course, but I can't stop thinking that a sexless marriage has two people at fault and you are on purpose hiding these facts. I can't imagine that my fiance would feel like this towards me after many years of marriage, after having kids, after all the love we have, and that he'll be planning my destruction in a forum with strangers. I'm sorry but this makes me sad. She is to blame for the affair but you are too cold hearted....

[Steadfast]

Too much drama here, not nearly enough reality.

 

Sadly, all of this smoke and mirrors, gathering evidence, etc will mean little to nothing to the courts. Unless you had a specifically worded prenuptial agreement. Otherwise, the court will focus on division of property (all depending upon where you live and state laws) the wage assessment for support, and who the custodial parent is. Frankly, you are far, far better off to reach an agreement with your wife our of court, unless you like giving your money to attorneys. I promise you will be shocked by how little emphasis the court will place on the infidelity. You will have mountains of recorded evidence, she will say you withdrew affection. They'll see it equal. I am assuming you live in the USA.

 

I do realize you wish to have justice done. You will find little in this process. You will have no control over what she does with the support money you pay her. There is no justice in the divorce process and the court will frown upon you if you push the issue. If there is an issue, you will be directed into meditation through a court-appointed councilor.

 

The best justice is living a good life for yourself afterward. Your plans to blow her (and him) up will not be viewed favorably. Sorry, it's true. The system is designed to send everyone on their way equally. Not justice.

[aliveagain]

How did your PI make out, was he successful? Do they always use the same parking spot?

[No Limit]

OP, if you think this craziness inside and outside is annoying - it's just getting started. But keep itup. It's alright to have weak moments, but like you've written in your earlier post, sex is a no-go or else it will bite you back in court.

 

All I can say is...I really want to shout you a beer right about now.

 

I'd have a sixpack of German beer to offer. And some Jack Daniel's.

[VanillaLife]

@Steadfast - I understand the sentiment and largely agree except here in my state if I can prove infidelity then she is not getting alimony, simple fact of law. That is well worth the PI fees

 

And no, no success so far with the PI. I am beginning to understand the same conflict of interest as lawyers... more in there interest to keep monitoring as long as possible rather than actually close it out quickly.

[stillafool]

No I am quite happy splitting them apart for a week or two while I focus on the kids and get plastered with wine at night to ignore her. I can make her feel pretty f;ing miserable in paradise

 

It's actually critical to the legal strategy to not condone the affair. If I imply she is ok to stay at home and screw him, that could ruin the whole thing

 

I certainly didn't mean let her know that is your plan. You could say something like "Honey I wish I could take the kids alone on the vacation and just spend daddy time with them." See what her reaction would be. At least you would have a peaceful and relaxing vacation without having to look at her loser face.

[VanillaLife]

Today has been a rough day. She went out with OM to do some big running. She did very well. I'd love to be happy for her but obviously can't see who she was with. I was just seething listening to more about mr f***ing wonderful. at some point she said "are you ok you look kinda depressed"? no sh*t sherklock

 

At this point I realize I don't know what her end game is. Are they planning on just being f**k buddies while sticking with the convenience of their marriages? Or are they planning to run away together. I'm very curious. Meanwhile it's getting increasingly hard to not confront her

[VanillaLife]

I certainly didn't mean let her know that is your plan. You could say something like "Honey I wish I could take the kids alone on the vacation and just spend daddy time with them." See what her reaction would be. At least you would have a peaceful and relaxing vacation without having to look at her loser face.

 

We are flying 9,169 miles to where we are going. That line ain't going to fly that far

[Steadfast]

@Steadfast - I understand the sentiment and largely agree except here in my state if I can prove infidelity then she is not getting alimony, simple fact of law. That is well worth the PI fees

 

And no, no success so far with the PI. I am beginning to understand the same conflict of interest as lawyers... more in there interest to keep monitoring as long as possible rather than actually close it out quickly.

 

I understand. It seems you are aware of the situation. I am glad to hear it.

 

The sooner you're out, the better. Stick with your plan. Keep your head.

[beach]

Today has been a rough day. She went out with OM to do some big running. She did very well. I'd love to be happy for her but obviously can't see who she was with. I was just seething listening to more about mr f***ing wonderful. at some point she said "are you ok you look kinda depressed"? no sh*t sherklock

 

At this point I realize I don't know what her end game is. Are they planning on just being f**k buddies while sticking with the convenience of their marriages? Or are they planning to run away together. I'm very curious. Meanwhile it's getting increasingly hard to not confront her

 

Sure... Why wouldn't she stay?

 

She thinks she can have everything you provide for her life (including expensive vacations). She also figures you trust her and she can do anything she wants with no consequences.

 

She may think so much of herself (and so little of you) that she assumes she won't get caught.

 

 

Seems the ones who are cheating tend to love asking "are you ok?" It's like their way of being sure you don't know about their secret.

 

Are you ok = I hope you don't notice what I'm really doing.

 

I'm not sure you shouldn't expose before the trip. It's bound to be brutal if she goes with you.

[Scott Thomas]

1. Hire a lethal lawyer (lethal as in lawyer mode).

2. Go in with your guns blazing and divorce your wife. No alimony, no support. Her problems are no longer your problems. This is where you part ways and find a woman who deserves you.

3. Out the OM and destroy his reputation. He destroyed your marriage, why shouldn't his be destroyed as well. Give his wife all the evidence so that she can divorce him.

4. Be there for your children. Be the best father they can have.

5. Read 1,2 and 3 again.

[Iguanna]

So OP, all posters were worth replying to instead of me?

[Tinkerbelll]

So OP, all posters were worth replying to instead of me?

 

I read your post and I found it to be really out of place.

Of course it takes two to tango,we are all aware of that, but this guy is already facing a hard time in my view to reply to your insinuations.

You are basically stating that he has responsibility about what it's going on, while you do know nothing about his marriage and I think that if there are problems in the couple, it would be wiser to face them instead of cheating your husband anyway.

One last thing,we are all here talking with strangers for some support on our situations without feeling guilty about that.

[VanillaLife]

So OP, all posters were worth replying to instead of me?

 

I am sorry I just missed it in the thread. I just read it. You have a very valid point. I fully understand why this happened, and what happened to our marriage needed addressing. So whichever way this turns out, it's a wake up call we both needed. I still don't think having an affair was the right decision. I think the right decision would have been "I have had enough, I need to move on, let's get divorced" and then when that is done you can move on to someone else.

[VanillaLife]

Alright folks after playing it so straight all week last night it all came to a head. I confronted her about it. We had a long, civil, emotional and reasonable conversation about where we are at, how we got here, and what might happen going forward. I have said either we work on fixing the marriage or we get divorced. I found out that they have not yet had sex, so her position is better than I thought, though still not great (I can still pursue Alienation of Affection but not Criminal Conversation)

 

Obviously this was a heart over head move by me, but I had spoken with some friends in the day and they asked if I thought there was any hope for the marriage. That changed my view point significantly as ultimately I would want us to survive this. At this point after the conversation I'd say it's 80-20 whether it works, with the 80 being it doesn't. But at least I will be able to live knowing I tried.

 

Oh and it turns out the OM is also in a sexless marriage. Much longer than we have been. I really don't care from my perspective but it just makes me wonder how common this might be...

[2.50 a gallon]

VL

 

Who says the OM is in a sexless marriage?

 

The following is a short overview of the How to Seduce a Married Woman Playbook that many predator OM's follow

 

1. Do not pursue, start out by becoming a good friend with the MW

 

2. Become very good friends, some one she can trust, and will ask for your opinion

 

 

3. Then "I need a woman I can talk to. My marriage is in trouble and I need a woman's point of view"

a. I am in a sexless marriage

b. My wife is having an affair

c. My wife is crazy, accuses me of - fill in the blank

d. My wife is fill in the blank

 

(Anything to get her to reveal her problems in her marriage, i. e. a crack in the marriage he can subtly work on to widen)

 

4. At first appear to try and help her with her marriage, tell her to try and stick it out

 

Have your PI look into his background, I'll bet this is not the first time he strayed

Edited March 23, 2014 by 2.50 a gallon

[VanillaLife]

Yes all good points. I do find it hard to believe this is his first time. His claim is 8 years sexless. We are not have way to that and going nuts

[Iguanna]

Now I can see where this is going. The OP's wife will convince him not only to take her back but also to beg her to stay as well. It starts to become old by now, even after only 4 months in LS, these stories where the betrayed husband is threatening to do this and that and then the wife seduces him with sex (or other means), she plays the victim, she pretends to leave him and then he begs her to come back.

[2.50 a gallon]

VL

 

One other thought. Yes maybe there is a chance that you nipped it in the bud prior to it becoming physical.

 

But that is a big maybe

 

Cheating wives have one thing in common. they all lie.

 

How can you tell they are lying? Simple their mouths move.

 

In short, take everything she says with a grain of salt.

[2.50 a gallon]

VL

 

 

You might Google "How to Attract / Seduce a Married Woman"

 

 

And compare it with what your wife has said about the OM's actions

[stillafool]

Now I can see where this is going. The OP's wife will convince him not only to take her back but also to beg her to stay as well. It starts to become old by now, even after only 4 months in LS, these stories where the betrayed husband is threatening to do this and that and then the wife seduces him with sex (or other means), she plays the victim, she pretends to leave him and then he begs her to come back.

 

I have to agree with you. What about the poster whose fiancee was having sex while pregnant and the guy still took her back. Men love bad girls as much as women seem to love bad boys.

 

Well OP I wish you and your wife the best.